This house show report is incredibly late. So late, in fact, that the Twitch stream of it is already set to be deleted tomorrow, so I’m not going to embed it. I dunno, it’s been a really rough couple of weeks here at STRUGGLE Headquarters, and I’m sure you’ll hear about it eventually. Finances are rough right now, and we’ve got some decisions to make, and that’s about all I can say right now. Thank Nate’s mom. Yeah.

MATCH #1: BATTLE ROYAL: Nasty Dick Bacteria defeated Toxic Walt, Uncle Smelly, Big Baby Lucifer, Hogarth the Unyielding, Ugly, Stupid Bob, CANNONBALLS!, & Black Panther Mask
ELIMINATIONS:
Panther eliminated by BALLS with the Cannonball Roll at 20:51
BALLS eliminated by Walt with surf Nicaragua at 23:30
Bob eliminated by Walt with Surf Nicaragua at 24:15
Hogarth CRITICALed by Lucifer with a big splash at 28:34
Lucifer eliminated by Walt with Rattlehead at 34:50
Smelly eliminated by with Wrecking your Neck at 1:09:42
Walt eliminated by Dick with a diving stomp at 1:32:20

Look, I rarely have to do this, but God damn, I apologize for this match. Seriously, I have no idea what happened here, because at some point, it just broke down to Smelly, Walt, and Nasty Dick standing around for a damn hour. Hogarth was knocked out in the ring the whole time, (he’s had a real rough time lately, Jesus) and it would look like they were really concerned, just standing there staring down at him. But then, someone would just randomly drop an elbow on him, and at one point, Smelly picked him up off the mat and kicked him in the nuts. (He’s had such a hard time lately) Considering that Dick and Walt are at least mild degenerates, and Smelly is nearly feral, I’m assuming drugs were involved. Anyway, this was the worst thing that’s ever happened in pro wrestling, aside from all the murders.

MATCH #2: Marioluigi Lucabrasi DREW Gummo Nakamura at 30:00 ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Sometimes, Gummo utterly baffles me. He’s fat, he’s slow, his diet consists of cheap steaks and menthol cigarettes, and he’s gotta be pushing fifty by now. But here he is, going half an hour with a guy who can run circles around most of the other heavyweights on the roster. It’s weird, because back when he was actually young and in semi-decent shape, (and when he was still calling himself “Gary Nantucket”) he was never really more than a lower-card guy. Maybe the secret of wrestling success is to get old and absolutely wreck yourself physically, through personal abuse and neglect. Probably not, though.

MATCH #3: Yumiko La Grange defeated Donita Zapata with a Cross Kneebreaker at 11:33 ⭐⭐1/2⭐

Watch MATCH OF NOTE! – Grungy vs. Grouchy from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv

This had an incredibly wild moment, where Yumiko just started blasting Donita in the face with knees, to the point where it was pretty clear that she was hurt pretty bad, but somehow, she managed to just pop right up and start swinging, like nothing was wrong. Of course, the thing that happens in all her matches happens, where The Phantom Rocker showed up and started kicking her in the face, and all the fighting spirit in the world isn’t going to beat the damn numbers game. I tried to get Murray to get an interview in afterward, but she was stomping up and down the backstage area, looking for the Rocker, cussing and swinging a baseball bat around, just a total mess of rage and concussions, and he wisely kept his distance. He did manage to get within speaking distance of Yumiko, but it didn’t go much better.

POST-MATCH WITH YUMIKO LA GRANGE

MURRAY: Excuse me, Miss La Grange, if I could have a mo- (Yumiko turns around, revealing that she’s on the phone and looking super-pissed, and shushes him by holding up a finger)

YUMIKO: What!? Junior! How many times do I have to tell you!? NOTHING METAL GOES IN THE MICROWAVE!… No, I do not care if it looked cool!… Well, is it still burning?… Okay, just… NO! Do not do that! Do not touch anything! Leave them alone! Let them do their job! Just- Just go stand in the yard! With your hands in your pockets! I will be home shortly!

(She hangs up and frowns, mumbling something in Japanese that Captain STRUGGLE later described as “nothing but huge, huge cusses” and walks quickly toward the exit, before stopping at the door, then looking down and frowning even harder, clearly realizing that she still has her ring gear on)

MURRAY: (genuinely concerned, and totally not in “backstage interviewer” mode) Uh, Yumiko?

YUMIKO: NOT NOW, MURRAY! (She frantically looks around, before finding a cardboard box full of unsold t-shirts and grabbing the one on top, which ends up being a Tyrannosaurus Plex shirt. She briefly studies it, kind of wrinkles her nose in disgust, then puts it on, tugging the bottom down as hard as she can, in an ultimately futile attempt to cover as much as she can)

MURRAY: Well, uhh, I was just, uhh… Did you say something about a fire? Is everything okay?

YUMIKO: (Still looking down at her general clothing situation, furious to the point that her left eye is twitching) Murray… My ass is hanging out.

MURRAY: Uhhh… I don’t know what you… Uhhh…

YUMIKO: I… I have to go now. I have to go home, and stand before the police, the fire department, and God himself to explain to them the breathtaking stupidity of my son… My only begotten child… And my ASS! is HANGING! OUT! (All the wrestlers milling around backstage freeze, either startled, terrified,or a mix of the two) Oh, everything is just fine, Murray.

MURRAY: (sounding relieved and completely oblivious to the obvious sarcasm) Oh good! I was worried for a second there!

YUMIKO: (Does the “stunned speechless” thing we all do when something flies over Murray’s head, then shakes her head and starts back toward the door, still tugging at her new T-Plex shirt. Suddenly, she notices ex-husband Ace La Grange, clearly trying to stay hidden behind Hillbilly Grim.) ALAN! You are coming with me! He is still your son, too. (her eyes narrow with utter contempt) …Obviously.

ACE: Uhh, well, ya know, I’m supposed to have a match later with-

YUMIKO: IT IS CANCELLED!

ACE: (looking toward STRUGGLE head booker Uncle Abdul) Uhh, hey brother, can she do that?

ABDUL: (backpedals slightly, while shaking his head and waving his hands in a universally-recognized, wordless way of saying “my name’s Paul, and that’s between y’all”)

(Yumiko and Ace leave, and the backstage area remains uncomfortably quiet, while President Evil, off in the corner, begins to look around the room, annoyed)

PRESIDENT EVIL: Ugh, seriously!? An easy layup like that, just hanging in the air, and no one says anything!? Fine, I’m always the bad guy, I’ll say it- it’s not like she’s got an ass to hang out, anyway. There, it’s done! Are you happy!? You fucking cowards all disgust me. Next time there’s an easy zing like that, I’m not leaving it for any of you miserable little shits. I’m going to the can. No one try to follow me.

(On the way there, he notices BIG TREAT BOY, contentedly munching on a freshly-unwrapped Daelman’s brand Stroopwafel. He eyes TREAT BOY up and down in with a look of disgust, before slapping the confection out of his hand and onto the filthy backstage area floor.)

EVIL: Stroopwafel bitch! (He finally enters the restroom, slamming the door behind him)

(TREAT BOY sadly contemplates the ruined snack, before just sort of shrugging and pulling a brand new stroopwafel out of the back of his tights and resuming previous munching activities)

UNKNOWN VOICE: (seriously, it sounded wholly unfamiliar, and analysis of the footage didn’t show anyone’s mouth moving) That’s our Treat Boy!

(The room erupts into laughter, as a short sting from a horn section plays, but no one questions where it came from, because that’s just the sort of thing that happens around here)

MATCH #4: Cyberta Defeated Lorelei Grim with the Literal Iron Claw at 28:39 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

Watch FIVE STAR MATCH: Hillbillies vs. Cyborgs from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv

It seems like the recent troubles between the Think Tank and the Evil Administration have really lit a fire under Cyberta’s ass. All of a sudden, she’s gone from being a huge disappointment to be an unstoppable literal wrestling machine. I’d be remiss in failing to mention that Brain God made his presence known multiple times in this one, but it’s also worth pointing out that she went into this one with a 100 pound weight disadvantage (even with those heavy-ass robot arms) against an undefeated wrestler. Either way, this was a classic, and on one hand, a rematch is tempting, but on the other, we’ve already got the Think Tank and the Evil Administration feuding; throw in the Grims and you’ve got a full-on gang war. Which would probably be kinda fun, actually. Huh.

MATCH #5: Ace La Grange vs. Tucker Schertz got cancelled

Welp.