While enjoying a well-deserved semi-retirement, STRUGGLE/TSWA/various other promotions legend Ol’ Ross Gracie has kept busy. When our beloved Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn isn’t in use by STRUGGLE, the local bingo community, or that one shitty high school garage punk band whose drummer’s dad can afford to rent the building, Hoss has been there, training the superstars of tomorrow! He’s also been training several others, but they can’t all be winners, brother. Anyway, we thought it would be cool to give you, the gentle wrestling fan, a peek into the future. So we got Ol’ Hoss to sit down with assistant trainer / fellow local legend Yumiko La Grange to tell you what’s up with these people.

DOJO STAFF

HEAD TRAINER: Ol’ Ross Gracie

HOSS: God damn, look at that handsome son of a bitch. My name is Ross Gracie, and I am the meanest, orneriest varmint you ever laid eyes on. I will lariat you right outta yer fuckin’ boots, and with the obstacle of them boots removed, I’ll snap your goddamn ankle. And you might learn a thing or two in the process.

ASSISTANT TRAINERS:

YUMIKO LA GRANGE

HOSS: And moving on to my assistant trainers, this here is the former ladies’ champion of the damn world, a veteran of twenty-plus years in this here squared circle, and let me tell ya, she is meaner’n a snake and crazier’n a goddamn wildcat. The woman is all fucked up, ya hear? She’s plumb loco, gonna take a team of brain doctors a decade to figure out her shit, and half of ’em won’t survive. Hell, she is one-

YUMIKO: What the hell, Hoss!? You do realize I have been right here this whole time, right? Jesus!

HOSS: Eh, well. Show me the lie, woman.

YUMIKO: …Just go on to the next one.

ACE LA GRANGE

HOSS: And then, there’s this guy. Jack LeGrande, former world’s-

YUMIKO: Ace La Grange.

HOSS: Whatever. Ace La Grange, former world’s champion.

YUMIKO: Disgraced former world champion.

HOSS: Sure, fine. Anyway, he’s one of the greatest natural talents to step inside the ring-

YUMIKO: …Talent, which he squandered on liquor, pills, and random sluts.

HOSS: -and he’s here to share his experiences-

YUMIKO: …Experiences being a developmentally-stunted man-baby.

HOSS: -with a new generation of wrestlers.

YUMIKO: …Serving mainly as a cautionary tale.

HOSS: Jesus God damn, woman, if you still hate him so damn much, why did you sign up for the same job?

YUMIKO: (sighs) Because I am his ride here.

HOSS: Welp, this is gettin’ dark. Let’s just move on, shall we?

DONITA ZAPATA

HOSS: Well, you know, I never was a fan of the tattoos or the weird hair and what-have-you, but this little gal sure does seem to enjoy hurtin’ folks. Brings a tear to an ol’ cowpoke’s eye to know the old ways haven’t been lost.

YUMIKO: I remember one time, I gave her a concussion, and she just kept fighting.

HOSS: See what I mean? The girl’s tough as nails!

YUMIKO: …Or just stupid.

SKIP LEGDAY

HOSS: He’s a big one, ain’t he? I mean, as long as he’s wearing pants or you maintain eye contact.

YUMIKO: Oh god, his legs. It is grotesque.

HOSS: All that aside, he’s probably the most reliable assistant trainer I got here at the Dojo. I mean, aside from a screamin’ case of body dysmorphia, he’s the only one here without some kinda severe mental disorder.

YUMIKO: I am still right here in the room with you, Hoss.

HOSS: Yeah, well. Again, show me the lie.

YUMIKO: Just move on the the fucking trainees, Hoss.

HOSS: See what I mean?

YUMIKO: …

THE TRAINEES

THE BASKETBALL CRANK

HOSS: Ah, hell. This guy’s damn near seven feet tall, and maybe ninety pounds, and he’s got a damn basketball for a head. I don’t even know where to begin.

YUMIKO: We could just not and then say that we did.

HOSS: Works for me.

BROCCOLORD

HOSS: Just… I don’t even… Goddammit, is everyone in this town some kinda damn weirdo?

YUMIKO: Pretty much.

HOSS: I just get tired of hearin’ about it, always carryin’ on, sayin’ some shit like “chewing tobacco is a dangerous and disgusting habit, chew broccoli instead.” Gonna just haul off and punch him in the balls one of these days.

YUMIKO: I shudder to think of what his home must smell like.

BUSINESS CLOWN

HOSS: Look at this sonovabitch. Just look at him. Can’t even call him a clown, because he takes it as a compliment. Another desperately needed ball-punch if you ask me.

YUMIKO: Apparently, the clown thing was some half-baked idea his therapist had to help him unwind from the stresses of working as a hedge fund manager.

HOSS: And let me guess here, it didn’t work, so he’s trying wrestling now?

YUMIKO: Yup.

HOSS: But… If clownin’ didn’t work, why does he still have the face paint and the shoes and all that nonsense?

YUMIKO: The man worked in finance. He is a complete fucking psycho.

HOSS: Eh, sounds about right.

COBRA HIGHWAY (RAOUL KEMP AND FITZCARRALDO KINSKI)

HOSS: Yep. Keeps gettin’ better. A hophead writer and his little German buddy, tryin’ to get to the bottom of what wrasslin’ is all about. It’s about beatin’ up pissants like these, if ya ask me. That documentary the one guy made about the dipshit who got eaten by salamanders was pretty good, though.

YUMIKO: Oh yeah, “The Sala-Man.” Saw it on Netflix. I actually read one of the Kemp guy’s books, and he actually is a pretty good investigative journalist, as long as your definition of journalism is “go on a three-day PCP rampage, then just make shit up.”

CONGOLIA DONDELINGER

HOSS: The hell is that girl even thinkin’ with a name like that? It’s goddamn offensive! There could be kids in the audience!

YUMIKO: I… What? What are you even talking about?

HOSS: Don’t even tell me you don’t think that’s fucked up, woman!

YUMIKO: Well, it is an… unusual name, but I don’t see why it upsets you.

HOSS: Seriously!? You don’t see a problem with someone being the Mongolian Dong Licker?

YUMIKO: (just stares at Hoss with an eyebrow raised)

HOSS: Just sayin’, it’s goddamn ridiculous!

YUMIKO: Hoss… Do you have your hearing aid in?

HOSS: I mean, this is a weird time for that, but yeah, I’d love a beer, thank you.

YUMIKO: …

HOSS: Either way, you oughtta have a word with her about that soon.

YUMIKO: Wait, why me?

HOSS: Well, ya know. Mongolia’s right next to China, ain’t it? Hell, y’all are probably cousins.

YUMIKO: Hoss… I am not Chinese, I am from Japan.

HOSS: What? Well I’ll be damned… Say, do you know Yoshihiro?

YUMIKO: I… Uhhh… I would need more to go on.

HOSS: Wait, like a last name?

YUMIKO: Technically a first name, but yeah.

HOSS: Ah, hell, I never caught his last name. You’d know him if you saw him though. Asian fella. Real dark hair.

YUMIKO: …Jesus fucking Christ, Hoss.

THE DREAD LOBSTER

HOSS: This kid here, you know, he’s got a lotta potential. He’s big, he’s fast, and the lobster thing is kinda weird, but it’s wrestling, you know? But sometimes, I get the feeling that, well, you know it’s bad to make baseless accusations and whatnot, but… I think he might be on the drugs.

YUMIKO: (sarcastically) Nooo, really?

HOSS: No, no, I’m serious! Always showin’ up late, always hungry, always hangin’ out with that degenerate in the parking lot. I got a real, real bad feeling about him.

YUMIKO: Almighty Jah is going to be pissed when he hears about this.

DEANDRA STROYER

HOSS: Well, on one hand, she’s bigger’n a damn house, and can probably lift one, too. On the other hand, I swear to Christ, you tell her something and it just goes right through her ears; it’s like tryin’ to teach calculus to a goddamn dog. Also, I’m goin’ on the record here, her bein’ that damn big? That ain’t natural, y’know?

YUMIKO: I would rather not speculate.

HOSS: Well, I’m too old to give a fuck anymore, so I’m gonna speculate wildly. The girl’s on some shit, I mean, if she was any more juiced, she’d be battin’ cleanup for the Yankees by now. It ain’t good, y’know? Gonna end up with liver failure and a full beard if she don’t slow down.

YUMIKO: …Among other things.

HOSS: Wait, what?

YUMIKO: Uhh, forget I said anything. You do not want to know.

HOSS: Well, goddammit, I’m curious now.

YUMIKO: Ugh, fine, just… come here. (She whispers something in Hoss’s ear)

HOSS: JESUS CHRIST! That happens? What in the fuck, how do you even know about this shit?

YUMIKO: I have been doing this since I was fifteen, Hoss. I do not know what the men’s locker room is like, but believe me, I have seen shit that would turn you white.

THE GENTRIFICATOR

HOSS: Back when I was a boy, my pa had him a little watermelon patch out by the house. And one day, a big storm came up, helluva storm, blew part of the fence over and whatnot. And I remember lookin’ out the kitchen window, watchin’ all this lightning and wind and everything, and a hailstone hit one o’ them melons. Big one too, I’d guess maybe golf ball sized – the hailstone, not the melon – and I tell you what, that just just split right in two. Just perfect, right down the middle, like someone took an axe to it. And I dunno, whenever I look at this varmint, I always think back to that melon, and I dunno, it gives me comfort.

YUMIKO: Hoss… Are you saying what I think you are saying.

HOSS: …

YUMIKO: …That you have wondered what it would be like to lure him out into a secluded area and cleave his head in two with an axe?

HOSS: …

YUMIKO: …

HOSS: …Yes.

YUMIKO: Oh, thank God, as long it is not just me.

HOSS: Yeah, think it’s one o’ them universal things. Hell, I seen Skip this close to backhandin’ one of ’em, and that man’s damn near a saint.

THE HARBINGERS (DOOM AND CALAMITY)

HOSS: These fuckin’ idiots give me the creeps.

YUMIKO: Ugh, if we get any more dipshit losers around here with a red-and-black color scheme, I am going to need to get new gear.

HOSS: And the lil fuckers never listen to a damn thing you say, just cuttin’ you off to tell you how goddamn doomed you are. I swear to Christ if I-

HARBINGER CALAMITY: Weeee are the Harbingers!

HARBINGER DOOM: Harbingers!

YUMIKO: Oh, what the fuck!?

CALAMITY: There shall be a great cataclysm! The Red King shall rise, and you shall all be doomed!

DOOM: Dooooomed!

HOSS: Goddmmit, how did you assholes get in here, anyway?

CALAMITY: The doooor was open!

DOOM: The doooor!

CALAMITY: All you know shall be consumed in a rising tide of blood! A crimson deluge that consumes all! Destroys all!

DOOM: Destrooooys!

YUMIKO: Will you two just get the fuck out of here?

CALAMITY: Yes, but before we leave, I bring prophecy! That I will not be here Friday, because I have a dentist’s appointment!

DOOM: For a cleeeeaniiing!

YUMIKO: Whatever, now go away!

CALAMITY: We shall return on the morrow!

DOOM: Laaaaater!

HOSS: Ah hell. Sometimes, I think I shoulda listened to my momma and become an architect.

IVAN GROZNY JR.

HOSS: Got one o’ them legacy hires here. This one’s the youngest boy of Ivan the Awful. He’s like a puppy with big paws, which is to say he’s a big kid who trips over his own goddamn feet. If he ever grows into himself, he’ll be world’s champion, but until then, he’s just a fuckin’ idiot. Looks impressive, at least.

YUMIKO: You go all these years, thinking that there are only a finite amount of abdominal muscles, like six or whatever, but it turns out that there is no upper limit on how many you can have. Just… Damn.

HOSS: Jesus Horatio Christ, pull yourself together, woman, that kid’s barely outta high school.

YUMIKO: I was just saying, is all.

HOSS: Right. I’m telling you, woman, you really need to start dating again.

YUMIKO: Kiss my ass, Hoss.

HOSS: Welp, I reckon you best get to growin’ one before I can do that.

YUMIKO: …

HOSS: Just sayin’ though, as a fellow divorcee, you wait too long, you’re gonna end up like Ol’ Hoss did. Old, gray haired, fat, combin’ corn chip crumbs outta yer damn mustache…

YUMIKO: I really do not think a mustache is going to be a concern.

HOSS: You say that now, but give it about twenty years, woman.

YUMIKO: My god.

LIL’ SNOOKS TUTWILER

HOSS: Ah hell, it’s the dumbass kid of that big fella what referees Hillbilly Grim’s backyard fed. Maybe wrestling will be good for him, he looks like he could use a good ass kickin’ or three.

YUMIKO: Ugh, what is it with all these Juniors running around this place?

HOSS: Wait, ain’t your boy a junior?

YUMIKO: My point exactly.

LEWIS VAN LEEUWENHOEK

HOSS: Ah, hell, it’s one o’ them fellas that’s afraid of germs. Sounds like a bunch o’ bullshit if you ask me. I been ankle-deep in horse manure half my goddamn life, and I turned out okay.

YUMIKO: Did you really, though?

HOSS: …

YUMIKO: I think it will be hilarious when this moron gets MRSA from that disgusting old ring mat. Does that make me a bad person?

HOSS: Well, probably.

YUMIKO: Eh, what can you do.

SOCCER NINJA

HOSS: This little gal here absolutely refuses to use her hands in a match. What the hell kinda wrassler don’t wanna punch someone in the face? Hell, gettin’ to punch people legally is why you sign up in the first place!

YUMIKO: Donita is convinced that this girl has the hots for her, which is completely not true, but I never say anything, because watching how uncomfortable she gets around her is funny. If anything, she has eyes for Skip, which is just… Eugh.

HOSS: She don’t use her hands and Skip’s legs can barely hold the rest of him up. If we can duct tape them together somehow, we’d build the perfect wrestler.

YUMIKO: I doubt the game engine would support that.

SWEET BROWN SUGAR DISCO DYNAMITE MAMA FOX

HOSS: Ya know, she might be just about the best outta this sad bunch, but god damn, that ring name.

YUMIKO: The entire decade of the 1970s exploded all over her wrestling license.

HOSS: If wrasslers wore jerseys with their names on ’em, she’d bankrupt the damn promotion.

YUMIKO: It is like a game of Boggle broke out, and in the end, we all lost.

HOSS: If we ever hire a ring announcer, the poor bastard’s gonna run out of air and die before she gets the the ring.

VELVEETA DREAM

HOSS: I heard this little gal pretty much eats nothing but cheese all day. And here she is, shit, 120, maybe 130 pounds? How in the hell is she not one o’ them two-ton folks you hear about having to be hauled out by the coroner in a damn boat trailer with a tarp over it?

YUMIKO: …Oh boy, because what this promotion needs is another wrestler who makes you wonder how they have not yet died.

HOSS: It’s goddamn maddening.

YUMIKO: We should probably keep her and the broccoli weirdo separate, in case there is some sort of Gatekeeper/Keymaster situation there.

HOSS: The hell are you talkin’ about now?

YUMIKO: You know, like in Ghostbusters.

HOSS: You goddang kids and your damn cultural references, you know I can’t keep up with the damn internets.

YUMIKO: Hoss… I am pushing forty, and so is that movie.

HOSS: Movies ended when John Wayne died, and I refuse to hear different.

YUMIKO: Ookay.

YANNI ACROPOLIS

YUMIKO: I think I rented an apartment from this guy’s dad when I first came to the States. (Starts speaking in a crude approximation of a Greek accent) “One guest in pool. You bring guest, they pee in pool, I evict, okay? One guest, not after dark until light is fix. Light no work, is dangerous. Hot tub is no for sex. You no sex in hot tub. You make sex in hot tub, I evict. You pretty girl. I no care, I evict, okay?”

HOSS: Christ, was that really a problem?

YUMIKO: No. (mumbling) Not if you kept your top on and your voice down.

HOSS: Wait, what did you just say!?

YUMIKO: I… Uhh, I said nothing.

HOSS: No, no, no, I coulda sworn-

YUMIKO: You are imagining things.

HOSS: But I swear, I just heard you say-

YUMIKO: You are old, Hoss. You are old, and your brain is dying, and it makes you hear things that no one said.

HOSS: …

YUMIKO: …

HOSS: Eh, well… I reckon you.might be right.

YUMIKO: I always am.

THE BIG KID WHO’S NOT GONNA MAKE IT

HOSS: Yep, that’s a damn shame, right there.

YUMIKO: You really do hate to see it.