NEXT SHOW!
STRUGGLE Pro SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #5 is happening soonish, maybe, and the final stop of the non-tour will be a big one, with two (2) new champions crowned, or maybe even three, who knows. Tentative card is as follows:
Yumiko Nakano vs. Junior Grim – Nakano makes her North American debut versus the normal-sized Grim Sister who wears actual wrestling gear and thus shames her family (not really, they love and respect her a great deal).
Team Twizzy vs. The Rockin’ Rocksmen – The rockin’ party dudes of the 1980s face their dark, twisted 2020s equivalent.
“The New and Improved” Donita Zapata vs. Pam From Human Resources – The unofficial Donita Humiliation Tour begins with the title tournament match that never happened.
El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine vs. Parking Lot Duval – The son of the Tri-State Area’s greatest legend takes on a man of legendary misfortune.
No Police Involvement Championship – The KoЯn Demon (champ) vs. Buff Orpington (falls count anywhere) – The resident hoss of the Fighting Cocks tag team seeks singles gold versus the one guy who didn’t disavow nu-metal by like 2005 or whenever.
YASS KWEENDOM 2020 FINAL Women’s Title match – Zelda Lucabrasi vs. PARTY TIGER – The first STRUGGLE Tri-State World Women’s Champion of the new era will be crowned, where the ultimate underdog takes on some sort of human-sized, inebriated cat.
SUPER C-CUP 2020 FINAL Cruiserweight Title Match – Uno Muerte vs. Rodimus Primo – The STRUGGLE Tri-State World Cruiserweight Championship will be decided between a man with a crippling fear of death and a dude apparently obsessed with a cartoon from before he was born.
BREAKING NEWS: VANZETTI TAKES LEGAL ACTION AGAINST STRUGGLE AND LEGDAY
After recent events, where Captain STRUGGLE Rock-Bottomed him and then proceeded to mysteriously double in size and defeat him in a singles match a few weeks later, Garfield Vanzetti has taken out a restraining order against not only the Captain, but also injured superstar Skip Legday. This is a pretty bizarre move, as Skip hasn’t set foot in a STRUGGLE ring since suffering a ruptured testicle in a match against Vanzetti last year, and Vanzetti is still insisting that it was not Captain STRUGGLE but in fact Legday himself who defeated him at SHELTER IN PLACE #4. Standing outside his fortified single-wide trailer on the outskirts of Grim Holler, Vanzetti associate Buford Randall made the following statement:
First of all, I’d like to thank the Vanzetti family for giving me this opportunity to speak on their behalf. Neither of them could be here today, as Garfield is bravely and patriotically recovering at home from his injuries, and his wife, Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti is currently sequestered at a nearby motel, where she assured us that she is planning secret anti-antifa strategy with fellow patriot Crash Ferrari.
As we have recently seen, the STRUGGLE wrestling promotion has been under siege by foreign savages and fake-news communists, but it is time for all people who value freedom to take a stand. And we do not run from tyranny; we face it head-on in the spirit of freedom and liberty. It is in this spirit that Mr. Vanzetti kept this country safe for twenty years as a police officer, and continues to do as a professional wrestler. These colors do not run, and neither does Mr. Vanzetti. And that is why he has taken out a restraining order against both the foreign terrorist known as Captain STRUGGLE and the radical socialist Skip Legday. They must not come within 1,000 yards of Mr. Vanzetti or they will face serious legal repercussions. As he is a man of great kindness and compassion to the weak and disabled, this also protects STRUGGLE and Legday from physical harm, should he have ever faced them in a wrestling ring without them resorting to underhanded cheating and trickery.
This is a great day for professional wrestling, a great day for STRUGGLE Pro, and a great day for America, as we are now rid of wrestling’s two greatest villains and communist fascists. God bless America, and God bless Garfield Vanzetti. Thank you.
STRUGGLE Pro has not made an official statement on this development, but when reached for comment, STRUGGLE head booker Uncle Abdul cussed for like three solid minutes, it was wild.
OTHER NEWS AND NOTES
- Ace La Grange‘s neck injury isn’t as bad as previously feared, but he is still going to miss significant time.
- As a result of the excessively violent post-match attack that took out Ace, (the main part of which was cut off in a camera switch, thanks a fucking lot, Buddy From the Ring Crew) President Evil has been suspended for the remainder of the tour, and we are still exploring further disciplinary actions.
- After SHELTER IN PLACE #5, two-thirds of the Hyper Pro Wrestling MOSES wrestlers who managed to make it here will have finally seen action in a STRUGGLE ring, but Crawdad Hoshino’s wherabouts are still unknown. However, recent social media posts have included selfies of her hanging out on a pier with a sea lion and riding in a sidecar with a member of the Hell’s Angels, so she is believed to be somewhere in California. Her legendarily bad English speaking skills have not improved, but she seems to having a great time, at least.
- STRUGGLE President Nate Ruggle has announced that the promotion has signed an exclusive contract with “the hottest free agent tag team in pro wrestling,” but no one seems to know who was actually signed, and other members of the front office are keeping their mouths shut about who that could be.
SOME PROMOS!
NOTE: Words and statements inside <these little pointy bracket thingies> have been translated from Japanese.
TOSHIYO NAKANO: Hello. I just like to say that, uhhh, I very excited – <wait, shit> – I AM very excited to wrestle in, uhhh STRUGGLE Pro, and I… <dammit, what was that word> I.. Uhhh… I hope to do well for American wrestling fan, and I… <Motherfucker!> I… Just… Uhhh… Hey, can we start over?
UNSEEN CAMERA GUY: Battery’s almost dead, whatever we get now is what we’re gonna have to use.
TOSHIYO: <Son of a bitch!> Uh… Well… See… See you soon? <Fuck!>
THE PHANTOM ROCKER: (mostly trying and failing to not laugh between every word) Hahaha… Oh man… So, hey dudes, I… Hahahahaha, Jesus… Just wanna let you all know that at the next show you’re gonna… hahaha…. Gonna get a real treat, when you… hahahahaha, oh man, just gimme a second here…. (takes a deep breath) Okay. whew. You’re finally gonna get to get the NEW AND IMPROVED Donita Zapata. I’m sure you’re all excited for this, and oh man, let me tell you, she’s excited too. Isn’t that right, Donita?
DONITA ZAPATA: (off camera) NO! FUCK YOU!
ROCKER: Ahh-hahahahahahaha, oh man, dudes… You have gotta see this shit. You sure you don’t wanna be on camera with me right now?
DONITA: NO! no, no, no, no, no! I fucking hate you!
ROCKER: Hahahaha, see, I told you guys, she’s super-excited for you to see her new hair – hahahaha, ohhh man, and hear her new theme music.
DONITA: I swear to God, Lita…
ROCKER: Hahahahahahahaha, oh man, we gotta end this promo now, if this keeps up, I’m gonna wet myself, seriously. Anyway, don’t miss this, it’s gonna be rad as hell, you guys.
BUFF ORPIINGTON: Let me tell you something, brother, when I get in that ring with the Korn Demon, he’s not gonna know what hit him! I’m gonna hit him from the front and the back, and it’s gonna be some real stiff competition! ‘Cause when one of the Fighting Cocks comes for you, boy, know that we’re gonna be comin’ hard! You hear me, boy? I’m coming! I’m coming hard!
KORN DEMON: Well ya know, I heard a lot about this Orpington guy, and they say he’s a pretty tough guy, eh? But the fella needs to know that he’s not in the tag team division anymore, and now he’s gotta go one on one with The Korn Demon! And quite frankly, I gotta say sorry, buddy, but this kinda fight ain’t isn’t gonna go how he wants it, ya know. He’s gotta be sittin’ there asking himself if he’s mentally and physically prepared for the kinda fight he’s in for. Like ya know, hey, Buff… Do you think you can handle a street fight with me? Because if you aren’t, this is gonna end with you a bloody heap and me holdin’ that title belt. So, Buff, do you think you can handle that? Are you prepared, eh? AAAAAAARREEE YOOU REEEADDDDYYYYY!?
(ZELDA LUCABRASI looks like she’s about to say something, then stops and starts looking around the room, like she’s makinhg sure the coast is clear)
ZELDA LUCABRASI: I-
(MARIOLUIGI LUCABRASI suddenly appears, as if by magic)
MARIOLUIGI: That’s right, and I wanna tell-a you all one thing – After my baby sister wins that-a championship, I’m-a gonna-
ZELDA: Vaffanculo!
(ZELDA stomps out of the room looking absolutely pissed, and MARIOLUIGI only pauses briefly, then shrugs and continues whatever the hell he was saying, which we didn’t bother to record)
PARTY TIGER: Heyyyy you guys, I just (hiccups) I just – just wanna say that, like, you know, Zelda, man, like ya know, she’s-
(PARTY TIGER suddenly burps really loudly, and immediately looks like she’s in a great deal of distress)
TIGER: Oh… Oh god… That… Fuckin’ A, that had a flavor to it… Oh jeez… Just, like… Man, you guys, like gimme a second here…. Ohhh God…
(TIGER stumbles over to a nearby vending machine and proceeds to pull a sweaty, crumpled $1 out of… somewhere. After several attempts, she manages to get a can of Coke out of it, then to the shock of everyone watching, immediately pours most of it right on the floor. She then produces a small bottle of Jack Daniel’s from wherever the hell she previously got the dollar from and uses it to refill the can before turning the can up and taking the whole thing down in one swallow.)
TIGER: Whew, okay. Better. (hiccups) So wait, like, what were we talking about?
UNSEEN CAMERA GUY: The championship match against Zelda.
TIGER: Ohhhh shit, right right right… Like, you know, Zelda, like… she’s like, you know… Like… She’s my friend, maan, I just… I just… (suddenly starts crying) I love her so much maaan, and like, you know, she’s all, like, you know, like… fuckin’… You know? I looove you guuuyyysss.
CAMERA GUY: Uhh, are you okay?
TIGER: (suddenly stops crying, like it never happened) What? Oh yeah, like, (hiccups) I’m great, dude. So what were we talking about?
CAMERA GUY: (frustrated) Uhh.. nothing, never mind.
TIGER: Right on. So like… (hiccups) You guys know where I can score some X?
(camera shuts off abruptly)
A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM PRESIDENT EVIL
(the shot begins with an extreme closeup of PRESIDENT EVIL’s face, and he looks pissed)
PRESIDENT EVIL: My fellow Americans… They… Those bastards suspended me. They actually suspended me! Me, President Evil, the President of Professional wrestling, and the main reason anyone ever goes to their little pissant dirt show of a promotion! So now, I want everyone in that office to listen to me. Do you even realize what you’ve done by taking me out of action!?
(the camera slowly zooms out to reveal EVIL, AGENT BULLDOG, AGENT FANG, AGENT 35, and FIRST LADY EVIL in and around a bigass, luxurious swimming pool, just having the best possible time, while a nearby Bluetooth speaker plays the theme from Caddyshack, aka “I’m Alright” by the great Kenny Loggins)
PRESIDENT EVIL: You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Aahhh-hahahahahaha! You think this is punishment!? Listen to what these idiots did! They suspended me for the remainder of the tour, and then like five minutes later, the announced that the next show was the end! They suspended me for one fucking night, when I probably wasn’t going to be booked anyway! Idiots!
AGENT BULLDOG: They are very incompetent, sir.
PRESIDENT EVIL: Indeed! and seriously you guys, what was the big deal anyway? So I dropped Ace on his head! So what!? I don’t get what everyone’s so upset about, hell, if anything, I did him a favor! Now, he can’t humiliate himself by trying to wrestle in public anymore! And now, when he takes part in his favorite pastime – sobbing uncontrollably while beating off to the memory of his ex-wife – his hands could go numb, and it’s like she’s right there! That asshole should thank me!
FIRST LADY EVIL: (manning the grill) Hey babe, can you ask the new guy what kinda cheese he wants on his burger?
PRESIDENT EVIL: What? Oh yeah…. Thirty five! What kinda cheese do you want?
AGENT 35: Oh, uhh,, Actually, I don’t want cheese on mine.
FIRST LADY EVIL: That’s stupid. Everyone wants cheese.
AGENT 35: But I really don’t want-
FIRST LADY EVIL: YOU WANT CHEESE. EVERYONE WANTS CHEESE.
AGENT 35: Oh, uhhh… I mean, I guess, uhhh….
FIRST LADY EVIL: You’re getting American. Since you couldn’t make a decision, you get the shitty cheese.
AGENT 35: Yes, Mrs. Evil.
PRESIDENT EVIL: Aren’t you forgetting something!?
AGENT 35: I, uhh… Thank you Mrs. Evil.
PRESIDENT EVIL: That’s better. so anyway, while you dickheads and shitheels are all piling into some smelly building to watch the rest of those maggots pretend to be wrestlers, I’ll be here. Winning, like I always do.
AGENT FANG: Evil always wins!
PRESIDENT EVIL: Ab-so-lutely, Fang. Oh yeah, and one more thing. A lot of people keep wanting to know why I did it. “Oh boo hoo, why would you do such a thing, we love Ace La Grange, because we’re all drunken losers, just like him, boo hoo hoo!” Well, honestly, you don’t seserve to know,, and even if you did, you’d all be too too stupid to understand. So I’ll just leave it nice and cryptic: One down; one to go. Don’t think about it too hard, or you’ll hurt yourself. Prez out.
STRUGGLE PRO SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #5 COMING SOON-ISH.