(THE SCENE: STRUGGLE Pro Acting President NATE RUGGLE‘s office in the old Blockbuster next to the arena, where we join a heated argument in progress. NATE and UNCLE ABDUL are trying to diffuse the situation, as STORMY KNIGHT voices her disapproval with the general state of things.)
NATE: …Look, just calm down, and-
STORMY: Calm down!? You can’t be serious! I have been here since you relaunched this promotion, and I have beaten everyone you’ve put in front of me! How can I NOT be the number one contender!?
ABDUL: You haven’t beaten everyone. Hell, last time you and Jezebel crossed paths, she pinned you.
STORMY: And this was when she came in fresh, after I took out her little buddies, Wish Dot Com Yumiko and The Great Communicator. One on one, I beat her every time.
ABDUL: …Except that time y’all went to a draw.
STORMY: Because she ran from me for thirty minutes!
Look, I hate the Prez. We all do. Maybe some of you don’t, but you’re wrong. But at this point, we all have to admit that for the time being, it’s his world, and we just live in it. So he’s pretty much the uncrowned World’s Champion for now. The Korn Demon’s rank may be a little low, seeing as how he’s actually the EWX champion right now. HR6 looked unbeatable for a while, but is seemingly dropping like a rock after pretty much getting embarrassed twice by Black Panther Mask. Hopefully, if and when we get the money situation sorted, we can get an actual belt, even if it will probably end up around the waist of a huge asshole.
WOMEN’S DIVISION
Becky With the Evil Hair
PARTY TIGER
Jezebel Grim
Yumiko La Grange
Stormy Knight
Lorelei Grim
Soccer Ninja
Zelda Lucabrasi
Pam from Human Resources
Virginia Slams
Becky is now a two-time champ, even if the second reign comes with a HUGE asterisk. TIGER remains a top contender, but her ranking may be deceiving, with her title rematch exhausted and the rumors about her legendary substance abuse taking a turn for the even worse as of late. Jezebel is the actual top contender right now, and Soccer Ninja looks like a potential superstar, and is moving up like a damn rocket lately.
CRUISERWEIGHT DIVISION
Agent Fang
Immortan Jimmy
Uno Muerte
Tupac Machine
Captain STRUGGLE
Froggy Terry
Jackson Victory
Cobra Nightraven
Zippity Duda
Radical Jeremy
There is no God, and if there is one, He isn’t on our side, as evidenced by The Evil Administration controlling both the current active singles titles. Jimmy theoretically has a rematch, but seems to have disappeared lately, while Uno Muerte remains solidly put as The Main Dude We Thought Would’ve Been Champ by Now.
TAG TEAM DIVISION
The Grim Reapers
Executive Solutions
The Coke Brothers
The 46 Defenders
Team Twizzy
BIG BOI SEASON
Bad Religion
Annihilation
Them Mook Boys
The Turd Boyz
The tag titles remain firmly lodged somewhere under a motorcycle seat out on the west coast, but with a title defense set for that big TSLL debut show… someday, that could change… someday. Then again, the Execs seem like huge assholes, so maybe the belts are better off elsewhere? Anyway, the Cokes haven’t been seen since the title loss, which is crazy, seeing as how it went down as an all-time great match, and they had less than normal to be ashamed of. The 46 Defenders have been quietly movin’ on up lately, Bad Religion seems to have fallen on hard times, and the looming specter of Annihilation has to concern pretty much everyone at this point. Also, there’s a pretty mean tag team with that name, too.
