Well, the good news is that an actual STRUGGLE Pro show is imminent. The bad news is that thanks to the recent parking lot-based maelstrom of violence, we’ve had to completely rework the card and delay the tag title tournament’s opening stages until next time. So here’s what we’ve got lined up, with the ever-present “card subject to change” asterisk:
KORN DEMON vs. TONY UNITY: The Demon has been a fighting champion so far, and his next challenger is theoretically a 40 year old businessman, but he can obviously hold his own, or he wouldn’t be here.
UNO MUERTE vs. IMMORTAN JIMMY: I guess we’re eventually going to get a one-on-one do-over of the Super C-Cup Final, and we’ve got a man who can’t die against a man who can absolutely die to see who gets a second shot at Rodimus Primo.
BIG DICK FUCHS vs. TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX: The big Texan takes on the even bigger suplex dinosaur, as two powerhouses with disappointing won/loss records attempt to get back on track.
COKE PARTY vs. THE GROZNY TWINS: The Russian super athletes take on the American super addicts. Ricky Coke needs to get back from Peru or wherever the hell he is, so he can corral his psychotic brother and give the women’s champion a break.
HAPSBURG RAYTHEON VI vs. TOXIC WALT: A multi-billionaire makes his debut against a man who still thinks it’s 1987, because that’s just how we roll around here.
CRAWDAD HOSHINO vs. HODA DUDA-DAY: The undisputed champion of randomly-chosen words makes her Western Hemisphere debut against someone old enough to be her mom. Wrestling!
EL CHOPPO vs. MAYONNAISE BOY: In one corner, a misunderstood weirdo. In the other, Mayonnaise Boy.
BIG BABY LUCIFER vs. CHURD GRUNSON, DICK SMALES, BOLPHUNGA SLOPSLEY, & BUCKO CLAMBAKE: Strength in numbers will be proven so very false by this match.
YUMIKO LA GRANGE & TOSHIYO NAKANO vs. LORELEI & JEZEBEL GRIM: The Grim Sisters take on the Nakano Cousins in a contest to try and score a pin before someone gets their brain erased by Lorelei’s right arm or YLG’s right knee.
And because it had to happen sooner or later, here is the tentative THE FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY 2020 tag title seeding:
- Bad Religion (Spike & Mayhem)
- Team Twizzy (Nightraven & Graves)
- Secret Evil Service Elite Agents (Bulldog & Fang)
- Reverse Racism (Minh & JEFF)
- The Turd Experience (2 & 2A)
- The 46 Defenders (Walter & Neal)
- Wild Card TBD
- Wild Card TBD
But what about the #7 and #8 seeds? Well, that’s where we’ve introduced something we like to call THE WILD CARD CHALLENGE. Here are the rules: First, any two wrestlers from any weight division can form a tag team and enter the challenge. Then, the teams are split apart and each member is entered into one of two battle royals, where victory (pinfall, submission, or over-the-top-rope) gets your team either the 7 or 8 seed, depending on which one you win. Ah, but what if two members of the same team win both battles royal? If that happens, there will be no #8 seed, and the Wild Card Challenge winner moves up to the #1 seed, and gets a first round bye. What’s that, you say? That there’s the potential for a team that’s never even had a match together to be the top seed in a championship tournament?
CURRENT WILD CARD ENTRANTS
- The Rockin’ Rocksmen (Rocky & Roland)
- Big Winthrop & Lil’ Xeljanz
- The Grozny Twins (Dimitri & Ludmilla)
- The Fighting Cocks (Red & Orpington)
- BIG BOI SEASON (Chungus & Treat Boy)
- COKE PARTY (Ross & TIGER)
- The Grim Sisters (Lorelei & Jezebel)
- Humble Ministries (Smothers & Dobalina)
- The True Sons of Liberty (Garfield Vanzetti & Buford Randall)
- Team No Impulse Control (Immortan Jimmy & CANNONBALLS)
- The Harbingers (Calamity & Doom)
- Cobra Highway (Kinski & Kemp)
The only other piece of news we have is that Murray’s big “slammed straight” deal with the local prison was scheduled to happen soon, but it’s apparently been postponed. He still won’t tell us what it actually entails, and ensures us that we’re going to love it, which probably spells impending disaster.
Anyway, see y’all soon.