The first show of the STRUGGLE COOL ZONE 2020 non-tour is in the books, and it was a wild one. This is where I used to embed the Twitch recording, but the jackasses broke embedding somehow, so here’s a link. Watch it, then read about what you just watched, like some sort of jackass.
MATCH #1: Lorelei & Jezebel Grim defeated Yumiko La Grange & Toshiyo Nakano in 25:37 when Lorelei hit the Burnin’ Lariat on Toshiyo
Nerd Rating: 80% ⭐⭐⭐
This one got off to a wild start, when Jezebel somehow managed to split her own head open with a headbutt, but best I can tell, she’s already got some sort of brain damage, so no harm done there. For people who probably hadn’t been around each other in a decade an had never wrestled on the same show, the Nakano cousins (and I still don’t know why Yumiko kept Ace’s last name, I’d have dropped that shit as soon as the ink on the divorce papers were dry) wrestled like a well-oiled machine, showing a lot of teamwork. Thing is, the Grims wrestled like an even better-oiled machine, and one which was roughly twice the size of the previously mentioned machine, and Lorelei ended this one with a lariat that put Toshiyo somewhere in early 2021. After the match, Yumiko absolutely blew up backstage, which kind of leads me to believe that this was a one-and-done thing, rather than an actual tag team.
(TO BE CONTINUED WITH THE HELP OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA)
MATCH #2: Big Baby Lucifer squashed Dick Smales, Bolphunga Slopsley, Churd Grunson, & Bucko Clambake in 4:27
Nerd Rating: 57% NO STARS
Hahahahaha, Jesus Christ. This was over before it started. That new Satanic Spike finisher that Lucifer busted out here doesn’t look like it should do much, but damned if it didn’t take out almost the entire other side. Whenever we finally get our world title situation figured out, this guy figures to be a top contender, which will probably sink the company, but that’s sports for you.
MATCH #3: El Choppo defeated Mayonnaise Boy in 17:29 with a rolling kesagiri chop
Nerd Rating: 76% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
A lot of the younger guys have been trying to make a case from themselves, as the time draws near for us to just give up and replace the missing world title belt with a fuckin’ plaque or something, and Choppo made a decent showing here. The one issue he seems to have is that he goes for that big stupid-ass worm chop sometimes without bothering to check what part of the ring he’s in, and sometimes, it ends with a chop to the nuts (which is effective, but damn, man) or a chop to the knees, which probably hurts him more than his opponent. Mayo Boy lost, as he usually does, but sometimes, I honestly think he’s more focused on making people uncomfortable than winning, in which case this match was also kind of a failure. Which is not to say that he’s turned over a new leaf and is now respectful of people’s personal space and/or sexual repression. Honestly, I think he just kept getting the shit chopped out of him before he’d get a chance to tickle someone’s ball bag or whatever.
MATCH #4: Crawdad Hoshino defeated Hoda Duda-Day in 14:11 with the Figure Eight Leglock
Nerd Rating: 75% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Heading into this one, I think Hoda got the hint that this was a “let’s show off what the new kid can do” sort of match, and she went into this one pissed right the hell off and dominated the early stages. But you cannot stop the inexorable march of time, and sometimes, there’s a younger wrestler doing backflips on top of you in the process. This was probably not the hot debut Crawdad would have liked to have had here, but she got the win, and that’s what matters. Our own Murray Stadankowicz caught up with her after the match, but I’m not gonna lie, to attempt a transcription would be to tempt falling into some sort of Lovecraftian descent into madness. The gist of it seemed to be how happy she is to be here, but she took the scenic route to get there, saying something about “celery treadmills,” and while I’m assuming she had no idea what she was actually saying, she said some very insulting things about the Irish.
At this point in the livestream, we took a brief pause to run some commercials in conjunction with local Channel 73, which still won’t actually talk to us about airing on their channel. It sends a few bucks our way, though, and every little bit helps. Check it out here, if you care about crying or white chocolate.
MATCH #5: Hapsburg Raytheon VI defeated Toxic Walt in 26:52 with the Leveraged Takeover
Nerd Rating: 90% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Well, I’ll be goddamned. Not gonna lie, I sent the rich kid into this one against a wild motherfucker like Walt, hoping he’d get the shit kicked out of him, (I mean, have you met the guy?) but even though Walt brought war to the motherfucker, he took it like an actual by-God wrestler and got the win. After the match, Murray got these comments from the blue-blood:
MURRAY STADANKOWICZ: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here with Hapsburg Raytheon VI, following his thriling victory over Toxic Walt. Mr. Raytheon, sir if I could-
HAPSBURG RAYTHEON VI: Ladies and gentlemen!? My God man, have your personal doctor check your eyes! That arena was filled with the most uncouth rabble I have ever seen! Such foul-smelling apes, hurling vile obscenities, and eating such strange food. Just was that thing that man was eating in the front row?
MR. WEI: It was a hot dog, sir.
HR6: A WHAT!? Good Lord, I knew that these people were poor, but I had no idea that they had resorted to eating dogs!
WEI: No, sir, a hot dog is a term for a sausage made of assorted organ meats, grilled and served inside a bun. The dog here is metaphorical.
HR6: Hmm… So not unlike something akin to foie gras, then? How convenient! Wei, let us away, to the concession stand! I desire to sample such a – what was it? “Heated dog?”
WEI: hot dog, sir.
HR6: Terrific!
MATCH #6: COKE PARTY defeated The Grozny Twins in 28:34 when PARTY TIGER hit Dimitri Grozny with the Captain Morgan Latch
Nerd Rating: 91% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
By the look of them, the outcome of this match should have something along the lines of what Big Baby Lucifer did to those poor bastards earlier. Dimitri and Ludmilla Gozny are pretty much the objective ideal of what a human being should look like, (I mean, as long as you’re into blondes, I guess) while PARTY TIGER was almost too hammered to stand by bell time, and Ross Coke continued an impressive streak of competing in and sometimes winning matches, despite having not set foot on planet Earth in about a year. I guess between the two of them, there’s the perfect amount of uppers and downers to find a happy medium. At least that’s a theory I’ve got the scientists working on. Both teams made en extremely strong showing, though, and the Groznys were in it to the end, to the point where this was nearly a time limit draw. Oh hey, remember that thing I said earlier about Lovecraftian descents into madness? Here’s Ross and TIGER after the match!
PARTY TIGER: Hey! We just, like (hiccups) – Like, you know, we just beat those two what’s-their-names, and like, you know-
ROSS COKE: I am Krishna.
PARTY TIGER: You know, dude, like (hiccup) when we get in that Wild Card challenge, we’re gonna, like get a spot in (hiccups) the tournament and shit, and like, you know –
ROSS: i am Krishna! I am all of you!
PARTY TIGER: and like, you know, like, dudes – (hiccups) We’re gonna like, kick some ass, man, and then, I’m gonna be a champion twice, man, like some kinda (hiccups) champion-champ, like you know – thing. And then, we’re-
ROSSS: I AM KRISHNA!
TIGER: Duuuude. What the f- (hiccups) what the f- (hiccups) What the ffffuckin’ heck is wrong with you!?
ROSS: Don’t you see!? The p-p-p-planets, man! The planets, and the p-p-people, and he electrons! It’s the goddamn electrons!
TIGER: Uhhh…. Do what now?
ROSS: The-the-the g-g-g-goddamn electrons! Spinning around, doing crazy shit! Inside it all! Inside me! Inside you! I Krishna, goddamit, and I AM YOU!
TIGER: No. Um. Duuude. That’s wrong and shit. (hiccups) Like, I am me. Like I got a mask and like, boobies and shit, and you don’t. Well, you know, like you do, but that’s just ’cause you’re fat or whatever. Not official boobies. Stop being weird.
ROSS: i know you would s-s-s-s-say that! Because I am ALL! I am Krishna, and i am everything! There is important w-w-work to be done!
(ROSS just sort of sprints off in a random direction, and smacks into a bunch of shit, before disappearing into the distance. PARTY TIGER just watches, mouth agape, until she finally takes a swig from a bottle of vodka.)
TIGER: Yyyyeah. I, uhh… Don’t think we’re gonna win, you guys.
MATCH #7: Tyrannosaurus Plex defeated Big Dick Fuchs in 13:02 with the Pterodactyl Wing Suplex
Nerd Rating: 73% ⭐⭐
This was put-up-or-shut-up time for two wrestlers who joined STRUGGLE with high expectations and while T-Plex had a good run of stomping jobbers for a minute there, they’ve both been punching bags ever since. This was a classic battle of two hosses, hossing each other around, until the Suplex Tyrant finally did that unholy fuckin’ chickenwing suplex he does sometimes. Now, at this point, we’re getting into backstage rumors rather than a post-show report, but TSWA legend Manny Diaz was actually spotted backstage after the show, and seemed to be looking for T-Plex. Not sure what that was about, but it’s probably worth making note of. This loss is a major blow for Big Dick, and that’s such a terrible accidental pun that I’ve lost my train of thought in mid-sentence.
MATCH #8: immortan Jimmy defeated Uno Muerte in 9:38 with the S.O.S.
Nerd Rating: 86% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Meanwhile, in a match that was the complete opposite of the previous one. The Undying One fought The Man of Precisely One Death for right to challenge Rodimus Primo for the cruiserweight title at the next show. These two flew the fuck around the ring like idiots and probably crammed more action into nine minutes than some of the 20+ minute matches ended up having. Jimmy gets the win and moves one step closer to reclaiming a championship that the technically never lost, and you have to wonder how much longer Muerte is going to be able to defeat his urge to lock himself in at home with a gallon of Lysol.
MATCH #9: Tony Unity defeated The Korn Demon in 19:56 by TKO to become the NEW STRUGGLE Pro No Police Involvement Champion
Nerd Rating: 83% ⭐⭐⭐
Well, this happened. This was a suprisingly bloodless, yet absolutely insane brawl across the arena, that left the building full of barbed wire bats, ladders, chairs, and what appeared to be Luigis of some sort. The Demon appeared to have this completely wrapped up following a tiger bomb, but after Unity kicked out he just collapsed, and and couldn’t get up by the time Gus made the ten-count. In the end, it was actually good for him that he stayed down, because I’m not sure if he’d sill be around if the match continued. He collapsed again backstage, and word got back to us from the hospital that his appendix had just “fuckin’ exploded,” according to a doctor who had a very strange sense of decorum. He’ll be out for the time being while he recovers from an emergency appendectomy, but should be back before the end of the non-tour. Meanwhile, Unity is the new champ, and while I’m not in a total panic that one of our three active titles is technically in the hands of another promotion, I am at least kind of concerned.