COOL ZONE #2 CARD (Subject to Change):
1. Lorelei & Junior Grim vs. Jezebel Grim & Toshiyo Nakano – The winner of this match takes the spot formerly occupied by Lorelei & Jezebel in the Wild Card Challenge battle royals, (battles royal?) plus they win a five dollar bet. As of right now, we don’t know if that means ten dollars total, or if it’s precisely five dollars, for a total of $2.50 each. Due to the two Wild Card matches happening on this show, the winner also wrestles twice in one night. Which seems kind of dumb, seeing as how entry was open to literally anyone, and both teams could have been in, but what do I know?
2. Tyrannosaurus Plex (with Manny Diaz) vs. Dick Smales – No wrestling show is complete without a match where a dumpy, old, bald man gets hurled into the sky repeatedly by a giant dinosaur man, while a middle-aged former world champion in US flag Zubaz shouts slogans at them both.
3. WILD CARD CHALLENGE BATTLE ROYAL #1 – The winner gets their team in the tag title tournament as the #8 seed, or gets the #1 seed and a first-round bye if their partner wins the second battle royal. Wrestlers can be eliminated by pinfall, submission, or being tossed from the ring, because these matches tend to suck, and we’d like to end this as fast as possible. Current competitors, subject to change, but probably not:
- Rockin’ Roland (Rockin’ Rocksmen)
- Lil’ Xeljanz (Winthorp & Xeljanz)
- Ludmilla Grozny (Grozny Twins)
- Rhode Island Red (Fighting Cocks)
- El Grande Chungus (BIG BOI SEASON)
- PARTY TIGER (COKE PARTY)
- Brother Smothers (Humble Ministries)
- Buford Randall (TSOL)
- CANNONBALLS! (Team No Impulse Control)
- Harbinger Calmity (Harbingers)
- Reinhold Kinski (Cobra Highway)
- Comrade DIRECT ACTION (Outside Agitators)
- Junior Grim/Toshiyo Nakano, depending on who wins the first match
Important to note here is that The True Sons of Liberty, (Garfield Vanzetti & Buford Randall) Team No Impulse Control, (CANNONBALLS! and Immortan Jimmy) and the theoretical Grim/Nakano team are all newly-formed teams that have never had a match together before this show. Also, counting the Wild Card Challenge teams, the tag tournament features four co-ed teams (including the Secret Evil Service Elite, who are already in the main bracket) and one all-female team, and there have never been anything but all-male champions before now. So either this tournament will be a triumph of human progress or a crushing reaffirmation of the patriarchy. Wrestling!
4. Zelda Lucabrasi vs. Taco Belle – The breakout star of the YASS KWEENDOM 2020 tournament takes on the high-flying nacho enthusiast. This could have serious implications over who PARTY TIGER‘s next challenger might be. Zelda is hoping for a title match rematch, while Belle, you know, sometimes you just gotta make a match and see what happens, like everyone was in that tournament and all but one is coming off a loss, and well, shit. We didn’t think this thing through. Should be at least decent though.
5. Froggy Terry vs. Radical Jeremy – RANDOM MATCH hell yeeeaahhh, old schoooool! I think we need to do more barely-planned house shows, so we can flesh out the ranking a little more. Until then? Stuff like this.
6. Marioluigi Lucabrasi vs. Tucker Schertz – Same as above? Man, we gotta give heavyweights something to fight over eventually. Or maybe get Marioluigi to sit in a sauna for a while, so he can fight cruiserweights.
7. WILD CARD CHALLENGE BATTLE ROYAL #2 – See above. Winner gets the #7 seed, or possibly #1.
- Rollin’ Rocky
- Big Winthorp
- Dimitri Grozny
- Buff Orpington
- BIG TREAT BOY
- Ross Coke
- Sister Dobalina
- Immortan Jimmy
- Harbinger Doom
- Skull Mayday
- Raoul Kemp
- Lorelei Grim/Jezebel Grim
Kinda looks like most of these teams opted to put the stronger halves of the team in this one. Personally, I’d try not to have a weak link, but again, what do I know?
7. Reverend Freakout vs. Big Baby Lucifer – BBL is really trying to make a case for himself as a top guy lately, and Freakout has always been a deceptively tough dude, at least when he sticks to one plane of existence.
9. NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP STREET FIGHT – Tony Unity (champion) makes an OPEN CHALLENGE – So apparently, no one will know who the challenger is until after the show starts, meaning we can’t do any sort of expert analysis or update the stupid poster art. I’m hoping for the funniest possible outcome, where the challenger ends up being some loser schmuck, and Unity finds a way to still lose somehow.
10. CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: Immortan Jimmy vs. Rodimus Primo (champion) – Jimmy won the right to a one-on-one do-over of the tournament’s three-way final, and this should be kind of wild. Then again, anything involving Jimmy ends up ridiculous, like he probably breaks three windows while making toast. It’s Legend vs. Young Upstart here, but I wouldn’t count Primo out if leaving this one with his reign intact. If you ask me, that kid’s got something special. He’s got the touch.
NOTE: Jimmy wrestles earlier in one of the Battles Royal, so in case something untoward happens to him, we will make a substitution for this match. Then again, he is Immortal and in possession of a level of dumbassery that only immortality can grant a person, so he’ll more than likely just wrestle injured.
