So the next stop on the Cool Zone 2020 non-tour is kind of a super-special, featuring the entirety of the tag team championship tournament, wherein the real gold is The Friends We Made Along the Way. The entire tournament bracket, plus one other huge main event match, after the jump.
THE FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY 2020 TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT
#1 SEED: Bad Religion (Rabbi Spike & Father Mayhem
WHY THEY’LL WIN: Because they literally haven’t lost yet, and the of the two teams to give them the stiffest competition, The Coke Brothers haven’t existed in any meaningful form for a while, and The Think Tanks left town months ago. They’re big, mean, and nasty, they don’t give a fuck about the rules, and they’ll more than likely have Humble Ministries in their corner. I’ll be shocked if they’re not the champs by the end of the night.
WHY THEY’LL LOSE: I dunno, maybe God truly exists, and will send a lightning bolt to smite those who would do evil in his name? Just spit balling here.
#2 SEED: Team Twizzy (Cobra Nightraven & Doug Graves)
WHY THEY’LL WIN: A nice contrast of styles, with the graceful high flying of Nightraven (if that is his real name) and the hardcore fat guy madness of Graves. Hardcore fat guy madness can be tough to beat, just trust me on this one.
WHY THEY’LL LOSE: I’m not going to type “Bad Religion exists” for all of these, but just know that it’s implied for every team in this tournament. Also, there’s the issue of Cobra Nightraven’s general disinterest in things. Like I mean all things in general. He has severe depression and desperately needs therapy, is what I’m saying.
#3 SEED: The Secret Evil Service Elite (Agent Bulldog & Agent Fang)
WHY THEY’LL WIN: A rare mixture of technical prowess, athletic skill, and well, you know… Evil. They’ll backflip over you to stab in you in the head, and then they’ll put on an impressive submission hold while you reckon with your fresh wounds. Also, factoring in potential outside interference, their crew includes a hardcore, fork-stabbing degenerate, a faceless legion of expendable cannon fodder, and The Prez himself.
WHY THEY’LL LOSE: Well, they’re tiny. Fang is a cruiserweight, and not one of the “not quite heavyweight” kind, like both members of Reverse Racism. And I’m all for progress and equality, but let’s face it, when Bulldog’s in there, she’s giving up 100 pounds on most others in this thing. Pound for pound, she might be the best wrestler in the whole group, but “pound for pound” doesn’t mean much against a monster like Turd #2A or BIG TREAT BOY, you know?
#4 SEED: Reverse Racism (O.G. Minh & The Inscrutable JEFF)
WHY THEY’LL WIN: They might be the most uniquely skilled team in the tournament, with Minh as sort of a combination brawler/suplex machine and JEFF as a goddamn ninja of some sort.
WHY THEY’LL LOSE: Another team of cruisers in a tournament with a fair amount of hosses to deal with. And Minh is a bit of a showboat, and that’s gotten him in trouble before.
#5 SEED: The Turd Experience (Turd #2 & Turd #2A)
WHY THEY’LL WIN: They’re probably the most cohesive team of the field, working together like a well-oiled machine, which I guess in this case would be an auto-flushing toilet. Also, while there hasn’t been much evidence of the two Turds actually being unhygienic, the team’s general theme suggests as much, and opponents are often scared to touch them.
WHY THEY’LL LOSE: Potential heat-related illness from full-body spandex ring attire.
#6 SEED: The 46 Defenders (Walter & Neal Grabowski)
WHY THEY’LL WIN: A couple of gritty, hard-working lunch pail guys, as well as several other euphemisms for Caucasian wide receivers doomed to a career of practice squad duty, due to having a 40 time measure in minutes.
WHY THEY’LL LOSE: Walter Grabowski is a literal senior citizen who has had multiple heart attacks, not to mention that time he just sort of seized up during a match and we had to just call a winner. The 46 Defenders represent the tournament’s greatest chance of an in-ring death. Wrestling was a mistake.
#7 SEED: The Fighting Cocks (Buff Orpington & Rhode Island Red)
WHY THEY’LL WIN: They’ve made a career out of sneaking in under the radar and surprising people as of late, kind of like how a WILD CARD CHALLENGE victory managed to insert the Cocks into the tournament in the first place. I’ve met my quote for sexual innuendo for this post, and I think part of my soul just died.
WHY THEY’LL LOSE: They have a tendency to fight more like a slapped together team of singles than an actual team sometimes, and have had trouble against more established teams. Something something penis joke.
#8 SEED: BIG BOI SEASON (El Grande Chungus & BIG TREAT BOY)
WHY THEY’LL WIN: They’re the largest team in the tournament, as well as being the WILD CARD CHALLENGE team that was most likely to have been in the tournament with normal seeding, anyway. They share the kind of bond as a tag team that only a deep, abiding love of fried foods can bestow.
WHY THEY’LL LOSE: if they can’t overwhelm the smaller teams with their power and/or bulk, it’s the age old story of a large-ass man blowing up and trying to catch his breath while a smaller opponent kicks the hell out of him. Also, they fight Bad Religion in the first round. (I’m gonna sound so stupid if the Bads shit the bed, y’all.)
THE OTHER MATCH:
El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine vs. President Evil: In addition to the tournament final, there’s a pretty huge semi-main event. This is a major grudge match, after The Prez beat up El Hijo’s dad, followed by the kid starting a huge brawl that ended with Evil suffering a concussion and a broken nose. The two principles in this contest had this to say:
EL HIJO DEL BIG BIRD MACHINE: You know, as long as I’ve been a wrestler, I’ve been told to be afraid people like you. “Don’t mess with that guy, kid – He’s a bully.” Well, guess what? I hate bullies. And I already showed you that I’m not afraid of nobody! Did you think you were above the law, Holmes? You really thought you were going to mess with mi familia and just get away with it? I already hurt you once, and when we step in that ring, I’m gonna hurt you again!
PRESIDENT EVIL: Oh, Baby Bird… what are we going to do with you? You know, this is the part where ‘m supposed to yell and scream and tell you all the terrible things I plan to do to you, but you know what? I’m going to try something different this time. I’m going to offer you some guidance – God knows your dad never did. But seriously, I’m going to be the bigger man, and I’m going to offer you a small piece of advice: Pray. I know that sounds weird from a guy who’s got the whole hellfire-and-skulls motif going on, but I’m being serious. Kid, you need to get yourself to church and find Jesus. No, seriously! Pray for forgiveness, pray for guidance, hell I dunno, pray for whatever it is that you people pray for. Seriously, hear me out here! Just try it! Starting tonight, before you go to sleep. I want to see you hit a knee at the foot of your bed, and let the spirit of The Lord fill you! Bow down, get on your knees! Lower! Lower. You need to kneel down, and keep going until you can put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye, because when I get a hold of you? You won’t have a fuckin’ prayer, boy.
