COOL ZONE #3 CARD!
1. Yumiko La Grange & Crawdad Hoshino vs. PARTY TIGER (STRUGGLE Women’s Champion) & Pam From Human Resources
This was kind of a last-minute addition where someone who hates being in tag matches and opening the show demanded to open the show in a tag match, because it represented the easiest way to jump the line and become number one contender. No way that’ll backfire hilariously.
2. Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble vs. Hogarth the Unyielding
Can the power of Mount Olympus propel the big man past Humble and the thousand people he’ll more than likely have at ringside? Probably not.
3. Donita Zapata vs. Becky (With the Awful Hair)
A battle of truly awful hairstyles, and yet only one of the two looks like that involuntarily.
4. The Outside Agitators (Mayday & DIRECT ACTION) vs. The True Sons of Liberty (Vanzetti & Randall)
Skull Mayday and Comrade DIRECT ACTION finally get a confrontation with Garfield Vanzetti after he effectively got Skip Legday and Captain STRUGGLE effectively barred from the building. Not that this is relevant to them in any way, folks.
5. NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP OPEN CHALLENGE – Tony Unity (champ) vs. ???
Not saying that I doubt the validity of this “open challenge” thing, but after Unity’s own employee took him to the limit at the last show, ten bucks says the challenge he accepts is from someone way less psychotic than Uncle Smelly.
6. Ace La Grange & El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine vs. President Evil & Agent 35
No countouts, no disqualifications, no way this doesn’t end with the ring painted a ghstly shade of red. Ace and El Hijo were stupid accept this match and even stupider to request it. There, I said it.
7. CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP – Immortan Jimmy (champ) vs. Froggy Terry
You can say a lot of things about Jimmy, mostly involving the phrase “crazy idiot,” but you can’t say he isn’t a fighting champion. As for Terry, he’s also a crazy idiot, so what can you do.
8. FINAL ATTEMPT EVER – Ross Coke vs. Crash Ferrari
It feels like people forgot that Crash broke Ricky Coke’s neck and Ross swore revenge like a whole damn year ago, mainly because Ross has been too out of it to actually show up when we’ve tried to have this match. But here were are once again, and Ross demanded the match with the stipulation that if he no-shows, it’s getting marked down as a forfeit loss with no rematches ever and no chance of revenge. And yes, we’ve lined up a replacement opponent for Crash, in case of nigh-inevitability.
NEWS AND RUMORS
- Former Tri-State Area wrestling fixture and “manager of champions” First-Class Johnny San Diego has reportedly returned to the region after finally paying off his back child support and has begun the process of applying for a managerial license with the athletic commission. No word on potential clients so far, though.
- There has been no word on a return date for the injured Big Bird Machine, although rumor has it that he was extremely upset with El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine for intervening in his ongoing feud with President Evil.
- Expect several Hoss Dojo trainees to become full-fledged main roster wrestlers soon. Business Clown, Soccer Ninja, Velveeta Dream, and the Cobra Highway and Harbingers tag teams are considered done deals at this point and have already started having matches against main roster talent, but they’re more than likely not the the only ones graduating.
- Could a Mexican lucha libre style promotion be opening soon in the Tri-State Area? I don’t know!
PROMOS, PROPGANDA, AND TALES OF THE VISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(Backstage, in front of the big banner with all the STRUGGLE logos on it where he film all of our promos, MURRAY STADANKWICZ stands, flanked by YUMIKO LA GRANGE and CRAWDAD HOSHINO)
MURRAY STADANKOWICZ: Wrestling fans, with me at this time is the team of Yumiko La Grange and Crawdad Hoshino, who are set to-
(YUMIKO snatches away the microphone)
YUMIKO LA GRANGE: Leave now, Murray. Your presence is no longer required here.
MURRAY: But I was going to-
YUMIKO: NOW, GOD DAMN IT!
(CRAWDAD flinches and momentarily looks scared, while a confused MURRAY just sort of backpedals off camera)
YUMIKO: TIGER! Listen to me. I will speak slowly and clearly, because I know are somewhere drunk right now, and you have always been stupid. I am exclusively a singles wrestler and I requested this tag match. I am a main event wrestler, and I was fine when they told me it would have to be the opener. Would you like to know why? Because you possess something that belongs to me! Let me give you a history lesson, little girl: Since this company was founded, there have been two kinds of women’s champion: Me, and someone about to be beaten by me! I was the first STRUGGLE women’s champion! That belt may as well have my name on it! That belt may as well have my picture on it! IT IS MINE! IT BELONGS TO ME! And yes, I understand. You beat me in the tournament, and good for you. But do you know what you did not do? You never beat me in a title match. Twenty-one years ago in a sumo hall in Tokyo, I lost a match for the OJW title; I was seventeen years old, and it took a concussion, a fractured eye socket, and twelve stitches to put me down. That was the last time I lost a match for a singles championship. If you do not believe me, just look it up. I won that title two years later and had to vacate it because of a knee injury. I have held that STRUGGLE belt three times: I vacated it in 2005 for another injury, I vacated it again in ’07 before Junior was born, and I was stripped of the title in 2011 due to… Legal issues. The point here is that you are a fraudulent champion, and you possess stolen goods; a belt that the previous champion – me – never fucking lost! So by all means, Tiger, go ahead, party it up. Have a great time, show off that shiny new belt to all your friends, and continue to disgrace that title that you never even bother to defend. But when I get my hands on you, when I cave in your skull with my knee, and I pin your shoulders to the mat, you will not be able to run from me anymore. I will be the number one contender. And you will an ex-champion. The party… Will be over.
(YUMIKO stares menacingly into the camera for several seconds, and it actually starts to fade to black before a grinning CRAWDAD suddenly pops into the frame)
CRAWDAD: I microwave very happy to have match with Yumi-chan! Pam and Tiger lemonade wombats! Very wrestling! Much excite!
YUMIKO: God fucking damn it, Crawdad…
(Cut to one of the unused storage rooms of the Vito Genovese Memorial bingo Complex and Auction Barn, where we see PRESIDENT EVIL sitting in a big, comfy leather desk chair, while AGENTS BULLDOG AND 35 are hard at work, clearing out boxes of old merchandise and assorted bits of debris, while AGENT FANG sits on the floor, working to assemble what appears to be a high-end prefab desk of some sort.)
PRESIDENT EVIL: MY FELLOW AMERICANS! While my faithful minions get the new office together, I felt it would be a good time to address recent events. It has come to my attention that and unqualified legacy hire and a pill-popping dope fiend have challenged 35 and I to some sort of street fight. To this challenge, I answer with the following statement.
(EVIL makes a big show out of pulling a stack of papers out of his suit jacket and comically balancing a pair of reading glasses on the front of his new hockey-style mask, then loudly and exaggeratedly clears his throat)
EVIL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AAAAHHHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(EVIL pauses briefly to pull Page one off of Page Two)
EVIL: HAAA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAAAAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AAAHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(EVIL carefully folds up his “speech” and gently removes the glasses and dlicately slides them into his pocket.)
EVIL: Thank you, and God Damn America..
(Cut to FROGGY TERRY standing in front of an undisclosed brick wall, as is often the way of the wrestling promo. And yes, he is still wearing the frog costume.)
FROGGY TERRY: Yo, listen. Froggy Terry here . And at this next show, Foggy Terry is gonna wrestle Jimmy for his belt. And they say Jimmy can’t die, but Froggy Terry ain’t care. Froggy Terry don’t need to kill the Jimmy to take his title, all Froggy Terry gotta do is just do what Froggy Terry does best. Which is Froggy Terry winning wrestling matches. Froggy Terry is gonna be the champ, and all y’all gonna look at Froggy Terry and be all like, “damn dude, that’s Froggy Terry, and he’s the champ.” Froggy Terry.
(Meanwhile, back in front of the big promo banner thingy)
MURRAY STADANKOWICZ: Wrestling fans, you’ve heard it here first: Ross Coke will face the man standing next to me right now, Crash Ferrari at STRUGGLE PRO COOL ZONE #3!
CRASH FERRARI: What is this, Murray, the fifth attempt at this stupid match?
MURRAY: Third, I believe.
CRASH: Yeah, whatever. Third. Who cares? Who cares that I broke the neck of that fatass’s little brother? Who cares that I ended his career? If it wasn’t me, it would have been heart disease or sticking a fork in a light socket or something! I don’t deserve this! Look at me! I am the greatest athlete the world has ever seen! I should be in a real promotion, fighting for a world championship! But no, I’m here in this pisshole, getting ready to fight a fat, old cokehead over something I had forgotten about! This is bullshit! I know he’s not going to show up, but I hope he does, because kicking his ass might briefly ease the pain of having to put up with this place. Crash out.
(cut to ROSS COKE in an undisclosed location, staring intently at a particle physics textbook that he is clearly holding upside down)
ROSS COKE: The electrons. The g-g-g-g-goddamn electrons, people. It’s time. It’s f-f-f-finally time. It’s finally time….