It was that time again, so we took a break from tag tournaments and trips to the Cool Zone, and had ourselves an old fashioned house show. Check it out here, then come back and read about it, because you’ve got nothing better to do.
MATCH #1: Gunnar Van Heusen defeated Business Clown in 19:00 with a High Fly Flow Attack
Nerd Rating: 85% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
The two dominant themes of the night were “hoss Dojo talent fighting established wrestlers from the main roster” and “people bleeding so very much.” Fortunately, this was one of the less bloody matches of the night, but Clown still busted the kid open by the end of the match. In the end Gunnar won, though, cementing the notion that Clown is better suited to the hardcore division than fighting submissiony-suplexy types.
MATCH #2: Sweet Brown Sugar Disco Dynamite Mama Fox defeated Junior Grim in 13:18 with a Black Mass spin kick
Nerd Rating: 91% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Of all the Dojo trainees, Extremely Long Name Fox has always been considered one of the most ready-for-prime-time talents of the initial class, and she finally lived up to it, just karate-ing the shit out of Junior for thirteen minutes here. Might be time to fully graduate some of these kids.
MATCH #3: ELIMINATION TAG – Humble Ministries defeated The Rockin’ Rocksmen in 37:49
Nerd Rating: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
I honestly don’t remember booking this as an elimination match; all I know is that Rocky pinned Smothers with that spinning neckbreaker thing, and they just kind of kept going after that. For a minute, this couldn’t have seemed to go much worse for the Ministry, with sister Dobalina (sister Barb Dobalina) facing a 2-on-1 situation and bleeding like a stuck pig from Sister Candy sliding some light tubes into the ring and having it backfire miserably. Then, she just fuckin’ powered up and took out both Rocksmen, single-handed. It was one of the damnedest things I ever saw, and Dobalina has never had a singles match, but she just shot way up in the women’s title rankings.
MATCH #4: Tyrannosaurus Plex squashed Bolphunga Slopsley in 2:37 with a northern lights suplex
Nerd Rating: 63% ⭐
Well, that happened.
MATCH #5: Pam From Human Resources defeated Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti in 13:07 with a grenade arm slam
Nerd Rating: 73% ⭐⭐
Man, Pam is delightful human being and Patience is kind of the opposite of that, but at least she doesn’t seem to have any habits which would cause a bloodbath to break out, you know? Welp, for some ungodly reason, she went under the ring and pulled out a damn staple gun, and poor Pam was leaking for the rest of the match. Fortunately, the year 2020 wasn’t paying attention, so it mostly just seemed to piss her off (which seems unimaginable if you know her) and she finally put her down with that crazy-ass chokeslam thing.
MATCH #6: Zippity Duda defeated Tupac Machine in 12:10 with an Achilles Hold
Nerd Rating: 84% ⭐⭐⭐
Well, hell. Lil’ Zip had been seemingly on his way to proving his early winning streak was a fluke and heading back down to Jobbersville, but he picked up a huge win here against a Tri-State Area legend. The weird part is that he’s always had this “master of the armbar” thing going, but caught Pac with a leg hold this time.
MATCH #7: Jezebel Grim & Toshiyo Nakano defeated Velveeta Dream & Soccer Ninja in 27:16 when Jezebel speared Ninja
Nerd Rating: 89% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Somewhere in between Jezebel introducing the Hyper Pro Wrestling Moses veteran to shitty dive bars, recreational drug use, and Dungeons & Dragons, (which makes more sense when you find out that Junior is the DM) the two have actually become a pretty formidable and cohesive tag team. The two rookies came to fight, but between Nakano’s experience and Grim’s size, power, and disregard for her own safety, (she busted herself open with repeated headbutts again) they were simply outmatched.
MATCH #8: CANNONBALLS! defeated Mayonnaise Boy in 13:31 with a flying head attack
Nerd Rating: 71% ⭐⭐
CANNONBALLS! forming a tag team with Immortan Jimmy doesn’t seem to have amounted to much, with neither guy managing to score a tag tournament spot in the recent WILD CARD CHALLENGE, and with the two never actually teaming up. So BALLS! is back in singles action, just flying all over the goddamn place, while The Oily One tries to make him uncomfortable enough to get caught. In the end, the Human Artillery went to the pay window after this one, which is good, because he has a lot of hospital bills from an incident earlier this year where he tried to tame a wild bear that’s been roaming around his property. Also, he says he really needs to upgrade his home to a double-wide, because “the living room’s too small, and Mr. Bear keeps knocking over all my shit.” Somehow, I dunno, I believe this man when he says this.
MATCH #9: STREETFIGHT – Screaming Rage Man defeated Big Dick Fuchs in 33:47 with a Yakuza Kick
Nerd Rating: 81% ⭐⭐⭐
Rage Man had been missing since getting knocked out in an explosion in the finals of the deathmatch tournament, but I dunno, he just sort of showed up. And by “showed up,” I mean “literally kicked the back door of the building off its hinges, picked up and threw a vending machine, then pointed and screamed at the dry erase board until someone agreed to an impromptu match. And man, I know he lost, and I honestly don’t think any living human could’ve taken down Rage Man that night, but Dick Fuchs stepped up big time, and this might be the greatest match of the man’s career. He went toe-to-toe with the living embodiment of Old Testament God’s wrath, lasted over 30 minutes, and almost maybe kinda squeaked out a win once or twice. He’s a bad, bad man, and hopefully someday, he can finally get over the hump and win a few.
MATCH #10: The Outside Agitators defeated The Turd Experience in 36:26 when STRUGGLE DIRECT ACTION hit Turd 2 with a Phoenix Splash
Nerd Rating: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
The hot new tag team that is absolutely not Skip Legday and Captain STRUGGLE picked up a quality win here against the more stablihed team of the turds. The interesting part is that the general perception is that the team is basically “Skull and his little buddy,” but DIRECT ACTION seemed to take charge of things here, and ended up getting the pin. For he record, Skull Mayday got busted open, an I’m pretty sure one of th turds did too, because that’s the kind of night it was.
MATCH #11: Nasty Dick Bacteria defeated El Choppo in 31:30 with a running spinebuster
Nerd Rating: 90% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
This was an absolutely wild one. For the first half of he match, it looked like Nasty ick was just going to steamroll El Choppo, even going so far as to mock him by stealing his Famous Stylish Chop. But at some point, Choppo got going, and this became an absolute war, and even after Dick had brought a lot of under-the-ring plunder into the match, he almost pulled off the win a few times, with only Dick blocking the pinfall attempt saving him. I know, there’s no such thing as a moral victory, but fuck it, Choppo joins Big Dick Fuchs in the Moral Victory Club after this one.