It was a night of big returns and utter stupid ridiculousness. You know the drill by now. CHECK OUT THE SHOW HERE, then come back to find out how to feel about it. WRESTLING!
DARK MATCH #1 – EWX STREET FIGHT: Morbid Manuel defeated Secret Pete in 8:51 with a pop-up tiger bomb (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 69% – Nice 👍
Well, I guess the good news here is that we know neither of these guys will be their boss’s Championship Open Challenge later on. They brawled and hit each other with shit and cut each other with sharper shit, and then the gimp got knocked out by a powerbomb. Daaark maaaaatch.
DARK MATCH #2: Veleveeta Dream defeated Zelda Lucabrasi in 12:21 with the Five-Cheese Frog Splash
Nerd Rating: 83% ⭐⭐⭐
Velveeta Dream isn’t even on the main roster yet, but looked like a legitimate contender here. This was back-and-forth for a while, but it eventually just broke down to Dream showing off against someone who almost won the women’s championship tournament a few months back. The promotion’s financial future remains in utter chaos, but roster-wise, we’re doing just fine, I think.
And with that, we begin the show proper…
MATCH #1: PARTY TIGER & Pam From Human Resources defeated Yumiko La Grange & Crawdad Hoshino in 39:00 when TIGER hit Crawdad with a Rolling PARTY Suplex
Nerd Rating: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This was just a bizarre match all around. If you missed STRUGGLE SESSION #6, Yumiko demanded a tag match with the champ as some sort of 5th-dimensional chess move to jump the line and become the number one contender. As for the match itself, shit got weird when Referoth got knocked out, and when I say that I mean knocked smooth the fuck out, like he was down for several minutes. Then things went off the rails, with Yumiko heading outside and grabbing a damn pipe wrench and just kind of staring TIGER down for a while, and there was eventually a period of roughly forever where she just went absolutely psycho on poor Pam, who might be the one wrestler in the company that she actually likes. In the end, the best laid plans of mice and women go oft awry, and TIGER asserted herself, pinning Crawdad. Yumiko was strangely subdued backstage, only taking out a folding table of little donuts and deli sammiches and kicking a hole in the front of the already-broken snack machine.
MATCH #2: Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble defeated Hogarth the Unyielding in 19:54 with a running crucifix
Nerd Rating: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
IT’S THE DAMN NUMBERS GAME. Humble came out looking flat in this one, and was really looking like he was about to get squashed by the Olympian Hoss, but every time Hogarth would attempt to put the Good Doctor Reverend away, members of the Ministry would find ways to prevent a pin. I think Sister Candy even tried to seduce Ancient Gus at one point, but the joke’s on her, because I’m pretty sure that old fart hasn’t popped a boner since 1989. In the end, Humble managed a flash pin for the win, but we managed to shoo him out of the arena before he started trying to sell snake oil to the audience. (They had to wait until after the match at the gimmick table for that)
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY STADANKOWICZ: Wrestling fans, with me at this time is Billy Wayne Humble-
HUMBLE: Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble.
MURRAY: Oh, I’m sorry, Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble, who we just saw score a thrilling victory over Hogarth the Unyielding! Now, Doctor Reverend, you seemed to start that match very slowly, and you might say even got dominated in the early stages. Just what was going wrong out there?
HUMBLE: Ah well, you see Dear Murray, I was at less than 100% coming into this match, do a long night of doing The Lord’s work.
MURRAY: The Lord’s work?
HUMBLE: Yes, as you know, I am but a faithful servant of God, and there were several young female members of the congregation who desperately needed me to minister to them, Murray. I mean, they needed it, and they needed it bad. And some of these girls had severe drug and alcohol problems, in addition to other, more physical addictions, which required many hours of counsel and hands-on intervention, and we ended up intervening until early in the morning hours.
MURRAY: That’s a wonderful thing you did, Doctor Reverend.
HUMBLE: Indeed it was! (mumbling) At least till I got too sore to keep going.
MURRAY: Wait, what?
HUMBLE: Oh, just a little religious humor, Murray.
MURRAY: Ohhh, haha, terrific! Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Wayne Humble!
(HUMBLE shakes his head, silently mouths out the word “dipshit”, then walks off)
MATCH #3: Becky (With the Awful Hair) defeated Donita Zapata in 20:33 with the Paul Mitchell Driver
Nerd Rating: 90% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Phantom Rocker actually accompanied Donita to the ring for this one, but I’m not sure why. She clearly wasn’t there to help, and never interfered on Becky’s behalf either, and it’s not like Donita was going to roll under the ring and come out clad in buffalo plaid and a Gruntruck t-shirt. Meanwhile, Donita went hard right out of the gate, hitting the Pacific Northwest Bomb early in the match and dominating in the early stages, but she couldn’t sustain that level of violence. Becky just sort of managed to outlast her opponent, kicking out of a second P.N.B. at roughly 2.999999, then just wore her down from there. She is clearly having a rough time in new forced role as a glam rocker, but it’s at least partially her fault for signing a math contract that didn’t specify how long she’d have to do that. But hey, what do I know?
POST-MATCH WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
DONITA: God fucking dammit! How much longer do I have to wear this bullshit!?
ROCKER: Until I say you can stop.
DONITA: but that’s not fair!
ROCKER: Ha, look, check it out! The consequences of your own actions!
DONITA: I should put you through that wall right now, Lita!
ROCKER: Okay, go ahead and try, but you’re only prolonging the misery.
DONITA: (seethes with anger)
ROCKER: Way I see it, you should probably be on your best behavior around me. You know what sounds good right now? Skittles. Sure would like a bag of Skittles…
DONITA: I am not getting you candy.
ROCKER: That’ll add a month.
DONITA: Fuck you!
ROCKER: Hey look, another month.
DONITA: But the goddamn snack machine has been broken for months!
ROCKER: There’s a convenience store about a block from here.
DONITA: Okay, fine. Just let me go change, and-
ROCKER: There’s no time; you’ll just have to go dressed how you are.
DONITA; What!? No fucking way! This was just supposed to be a wrestling thing!
ROCKER: Ohh. Oh no. I can feel my blood sugar dropping. So very low. If I pass out, that’s another full year.
DONITA: Oh, fuck you. FINE.
(DONITA starts to walk off)
ROCKER: And remember I hate the blue ones, so you’ll have to pick all of those out!
(DONITA shoots her a double bird without even turning around, Bryan Cox style, while ROCKER laughs evilly)
MATCH #4: The Outside Agitators defeated The True Sons of Liberty in 13:20 when Comrade DIRECT ACTION hit Buford Randall with a moonsault
Nerd Rating: 77% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
We finally got the big grudge match between the two valor theif dipshits and the two guys who totally have nothing to do with Skip Legday or Captain STRUGGLE. And in the category of things we didn’t absolutely see coming for months, the TSOL totally got worked over by the Agitators.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here with-
(GARFIELD VANZETTI snatches away the microphone)
GARFIELD: This is preposterous! A sham! A miscarriage of justice! Those two men should not be here! That is Skip Legday and Captain STRUGGLE! I know it, you know it, and the American people know it! Those men are not allowed with 100 feet of me after I bravely filed for a restraining order! We won that match by disqualification! I don’t care what the referee says! That was an illegal three-count, and that match was stolen! I screamed at the referee, ‘STOP THE COUNT,’ but he was part of the conspiracy! As God is my witness this will not happen again! They will not steal another rightly-won match from patriotic Americans! STOP THE COUNT! STOP THE STEAL! This isn’t over, Skip! Mark my words, THIS! ISN’T! OVER!
At this point word came from backstage that Ross Coke – who had honestly been on his best behavior all day – slipped on a puddle of something in the bathroom. (I have no idea what the substance was, but I could tell it wasn’t piss, and I didn’t feel strongly enough about it to call the boys down at the crime lab.) Anyway, he hit his eye on the corner of one of the sinks, and it was just a real ugly scene, potentially jeopardizing his match with Crash Ferrari later on.
At this point, we had to cut to commercials. If you’re a weirdo, you can see those here. Not sure why you’d do that, but it helps us keep the lights on, so you do you, I guess.
MATCH #5 – OPEN CHALLENGE STREETFIGHT FOR THE NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP: Tony Unity defeated Lil’ Chucky Unity in 14:01 with the Age of Quarrel to retain the title
Nerd Rating: 79% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Goddammit, Tony. He comes out and starts blabberin’ about open challenges, then brings out his runt of a cousin, then proceeds to kick the little dude’s as for fourteen minutes. We told him to stop having his “open challenges” answered by his employees and he starts bringing out his relatives. Maybe next time, he’ll bring out a baby or someone in a wheelchair. Fuck.
MATCH #6: Ace La Grange & El Hijo Del big Bird Machine defeated President Evil & Agent 35 in 18:30 when El Hijo hit 35 with the Spinning Bird Bomb
Nerd Rating: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Well, this one got wild. I mean between the violent tendencies of Evil and 35, how pissed off Ace and Lil’ Bird were, and the fact that the ring was full of goddamn pipe wrenches, mayham was the only possibility. But things got even wilder when Agents Fang and Bulldog came out, and just when it looked like the bad guys were going to take this one easy, BY GOD, THAT’S BIG BIRD MACHINE. The legend came back with a vengeance, and evened the odds just enough for his boy to take 35 down for the three count, once all the extra parties had left. Funny thing is that simultaneously on the outside, President Evil had the Constitutional Crisis locked in, and if this had been falls count anywhere, he probably would’ve gotten the W. Either way, the good guys won, but I have a feeling that as long as both the Bird and the President walk upright, this feud is far from over.
POST-MATCH WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(ACE LA GRANGE is sitting on an empty ice chest backstage, with bags of ice [how do you think the chest got emptied] wrapped around various limbs. He looks up and BIG BIRD MACHINE, apparently not feeling very social, has entered he room)
ACE: Bird! Hey brother, I just want you to know that you really saved my ss out there, and-
(Saying nothing, BIRD reaches into an unseen pocket somewhere on his costume and pulls out a big wad of rolled-up cash, then pauses to count it, before tossing it in the ACE’s general direction)
ACE: Whoa, uhh… Damn, brother, what’s this for?
BBM: We’re getting the band back together. And if you’re going to ride with me, you’re not doing it in Zubaz and Wolverines. Get some real gear.
ACE: But… Brother, this… I can’t.. Just… Damn brother, this is a lot of money!
BBM: Then get something good.
(BIG BIRD MACHINE walks off, leaving a bewildered ACE, pondering his sudden windfall)
MATCH #7 – CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP: Immortan Jimmy defeated Froggy Terry in 8:06 with a Coffin Drop to retain.
Nerd Rating: 74% ⭐⭐
Well this… Happened. At some point, I dunno how to say it, but Jimmy just started bouncing on Terry, and Terry stopped getting up. It was like watching Tigger kill a man in cold blood. as a wrestling match, it sucked ass, but as a study in human psychology, it also sucked ass.
Before the main event, Ross Coke comes out with a bandaged eyeball, and apologizes to everybody for fucking up so goddamn much, but then assures us that he found a suitable replacement for the match. Which leads to…
MATCH #8: Ricky Coke defeated Crash Ferrari in 15:33 with the $450-an-ounce Splash
Nerd Rating: 72% ⭐⭐
HOT DAMN. A year after having his neck broken in a match with Crash (that was way back when the house shows were in the low single digits) and probably five months after it fully healed, Ricky’s back. He looked like he wasn’t completely 100% yet, what with a year of ring rust and having to adjust to the lower quality of American narcotics, but he was not to be denied. So Ricky finally gets his revenge, (unless you consider that he also won the first match and theoretically already had a year-old stockpile of revenge) and everyone goes home happy. I mean, except for Crash, who lost the match. And while I have assurances that this is only going to be an injury with minimal downtime, it would be kind of darkly hilarious if Ross misses the rest of 2021.
POST-SHOW WITH THE INVISIBLE OUTDOOR CAMERA!
[A noticeably upset – even with the mask – PRESIDENT EVIL approaches his car in the dark parking lot. (That one streetlight went out again, and we keep calling the city about it, but that’s neither here nor there right now) As he opens the driver’s side door, a strangely familiar voice speaks to him from the shadows]
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE, SHROUDED IN SHADOWS: Well, Mister President… Looks to me like you’ve got a Bird Problem. a Big Bird problem.
PRESIDENT EVIL: What? Who is that?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Just someone with a mutual enemy, Evil. and someone who might be able to help.
EVIL: I don’t your help. Or anyone else’s.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Do you not? Sure couldn’t tell, going your match tonight.
EVIL: (grunts)
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE: Listen. I’m not here to make friends, Evil. I just want what you want. and that’s for the Bird to suffer.
EVIL: I’m listening…