This sunday saw STRUGGLEWEEN take place, with surprisingly good attendance, despite us not having the budget to advertise it ahead of time, meaning that the goodwill from WAR PARTY 2021 continues. It also means that we don’t have to sell our blood to eat food this week, which is also a plus. WATCH THE SHOW HERE, then come back and read about it.
DARK MATCH #1: Buzz McClanahan (Hoss Dojo) defeated William Nilly (Hoss Dojo) in 11:34 with the Altitutde Adjustment
NERD RATING: 91% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
This went about how you’d expect, with the pretty-much-ready-for-prime-time McClanahan making short work of Flesh-Colored Tights Guy. This had a bizarre ending though, where they kept going after the bell, but seemingly kept it limited to fairly nonviolent grappling, which kinda makes me wonder if the Nilly kid is heart of hearing, or just stupid. Or both.
DARK MATCH #2: Deadly Nightshade (Hoss Dojo) defeated Ashley “Slashley” Gore (Freelance) in 9:02 with a rollup
NERD RATING: 76% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Nightshade is another one of Ol’ Ross Gracie’s freaks from the Dojo, and Slashley is a local free agent who I’m pretty sure we just booked because it was Halloween and we knew she’d show up dressed like some kind of horror monster. And while Nightshade is still technically a trainee, she showed us all the difference between someone being trained by a living legend and someone learning on the job in outlaw mudshows, and just trapped Slashley in a flash pin before she could get going.
STRUGGLEWEEN PROPER
MATCH #1: Froggy Terry defeated Zippity Duda in 17:08 with the Frog Leg Remover
NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Zip seemed to be more aggressive in this one, and actually tried for that nasty-ass armbreaker of his pretty early, but he ended up on the losing side here, as has seemed to be the case ever since the absolutely blazing-hot start to his career ended with a loss in the Super C-Cup tournament. Either way, this was a pretty exciting sprint, and the ratings nerds marked it accordingly, as our first 5-star match in a while.
MATCH #2: Screaming Rage Man and Business Clown went to a double countout, and no one bothered to record the time
NERD RATING: 76% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Well, this… This was a mistake. Gus clearly came out prepared to face mind-numbing violence, donning his deathmatch-reffing attire, but sticking Rage Man and a fairly angry clown together in a match with countouts and DQs just didn’t work, and they got mutually counted out before this had a chance to stand out in any way.
MATCH #3: Team Twizzy defeated Skip Legday & Captain STRUGGLE in 22:03 after Graves hit Skip with a diving legdrop
NERD RATING: 95% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
The mall-goths made a goddamn statement here, y’all. It’s not unthinkable that they woul’ve won this, seeing as how they’re tag specialists, and how this was the first time Skip and the Captain have competed in a tag match together. (no, really, honest) What was unthinkable, though, is Skip being the one to eat the pinfall, seeing as how he physically outmatches just about anyone we have here, and would be a world title contender if we, you know…. Never mind. But Team Twizzy has put the whole of STRUGGLE on notice after seemingly being skipped over in contention to the Grim Reapers’ tag titles after dropping them at War Party.
MATCH #4: Jezebel-Gun (Yumiko La Grange & Toshiyo Nakano) defeated Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti & Donita Zapata in 11:36 when YLG hit PHV with a diving foot stomp
NERD RATING: 79% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
You know, as an impartial observer, I’m not supposed to see either of these teams as the good guy or the bad guy. But Patience is one of the most awful human beings I’ve ever known, and Donita kept trying to beat up her sister for having odd musical tastes, so yeah, there’s your bad guys. That being said, the fan favorites threw the rulebook out almost immediately, and Referoth lost control of this early, with J-Gun’s theoretical leader, Jezebel Grim, making her presence felt often enough to turn this essentially into an undeclared handicap match. Then again, this is a team of “good guys” featuring one fairly normal person and two violent head-cases, so your mileage may vary, I guess. Patience and Donita never had a chance.
MATCH #5: Hillbilly Grim defeated Big Baby Lucifer in 28:02 with the Bionic Elbow
NERD RATING 98% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Hahahaha, wow. This was a match between two people who probably have a combined age around 90 and a combined weight close to half a ton, so clearly, it was destined to be a high-flying, fast-paced clinic of skill and agility. These two spent more time gasping for air than wrestling, and for some reason, the fans and ratings nerds loved it.
MATCH #6: Ace La Grange defeated Dimitri Grozny in 26:33 with the Spear
NERD RATING: 99% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This was meant to be Dimitri’s coming out party as a singles competitor, having recently announced the split of his co-ed tag team with his twin sister for some reason* and even bringing dear ol’ dad to thing with him. Thing was, the Ace La Grange Redemption Tour continues unabated, and the young Russian was merely his latest stop. This was almost another 5-star match from the nerds, which became a recurring theme.
*TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT FLASHBACK-TO-RECENT-EVENTS CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: The shared apartment of wrestlers and fraternal twins DIMITRI AND LUDMILLA GROZNY. LUDMILLA enters, having apparently just finished a jog, while DIMITRI sits on the couch, intently watching television)
DIMITRI: Hey, there you are. Come check this out. (pointing at the TV)
LUDMILLA: Yeah? What is this?
DIMITRI: Okay, so you know those names that people in the locker room keep calling us?
LUDMILLA: They call us many names, Dimitri. Fucking Americans.
DIMITRI: No, no… Well, yes, but specifically, how they keep calling us “Jaime” and “Cersei.” I finally looked up what that was from.
LUDMILLA: Ohh, it’s that dragon show or whatever. I never watched it.
DIMITRI: Yeah, I finally decided to watch it just now, and I get it now. You see, there are these two twins, Jaime and Cersei, and they’re blonde like us, and well… Kind of assholes…
LUDMILLA: Ah. These idiots, they are clearly jealous of us.
DIMITRI: Clearly. But you see, Cersei, she’s the queen, and what’s-her-name from the good Judge Dredd movie plays her, which is pretty cool, and Jaime, well he’s-
LUDMILLA: (Suddenly staring at the screen with a wide-eyed look of shock and astonishment, while DIMITRI continues to talk to her instead of paying attention) Uh…. Uhhhh… D-Dimitri?
DIMITRI: But Jaime, he’s like a bodyguard to the king, and-
LUDMILLA: DIMITRI!
DIMITRI: What? (he turns back toward the TV screen and suddenly gets an extremely similar look of utter horror to what his sister has going on right now)
LUDMILLA: Is… Is that.. Them!?
DIMITRI: AHHHHH! OH GOD! WHY WOULD THEY BE DOING THAT!? WITH EACH OTHER!???
LUDMILLA: AAAAHHH!!!!
DIMITRI: AAAAHHHHH!!!!
LUDMILLA; AAAHHHHH!!!!
DIMITRI: AAAAAHHHH!!!!!
LUDMILLA: TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFFFF!!!
(DIMITRI fumbles with the remote, which has suddenly seemingly died, and he furiously removes the batter cover and rolls the batteries around to no avail)
DIMITRI: NOO! USELESS! THE BUTTONS, THEY DO NOTHING!
LUDMILLA: FOR GOD’S SAKE, NOW YOU JUST KILLED A CHILD!
(DIMITRI finally jumps up and jerks the power cord from the wall, killing all electronic entertainment immediately, and the two stare blankly ahead at the black screen, shaken to their very cores)
LUDMILLA: My god, Dimitri… Is that what people think of us? Is that… what they think we do!?
DMITRI: I… I don’t… Okay. First thing is first, we need to spend some time apart. We can’t be a tag team anymore.
LUDMILLA: Right, yes. Good idea.
DIMITRI: And secondly… One of us needs to move out.
LUDMILLA: Yes, that is a good idea. A very good – ONETWOTHREE, NOT IT!
DIMITRI: Fuck!
At this point, we stopped for a much needed commercial break. Check it out and help us keep the lights on.
MATCH #7: Executive Solutions (Kruger & Mad Dog) defeated Bad Religion (Spike & Mayhem) in 39:37 when Kruger hit Mayhem with a V Trigger thingy
NERD RATING: 99% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This was a #1 contender match for the tag titles between the two mercenaries that Garfield Vanzetti hired to take out Skip Legday (and his check may have bounced, because they’re still here, looking for work) and the pair of bloodthirsty clergymen who were once the alpha dogs of the tag division here, but seemed to fall on hard times as soon as title belts became available, This was kind of a “no matter who wins, we lose” situation, but fuck it, whoever can bring the titles back to STRUGGLE from The Grim Reapers of Warrior Pro is welcome to try, I guess. This was not quite the bloodbath we all expected, but it was a war, and trained killers tend to do better in wars than men of the cloth, so here we are, even if Billy Wayne Humble did try his damnedest to tip the odds in their favor. Not sure when a title match will happen, but word has it that Puño Dorado is keen on having the big (as in he moved it from his building to the local baseball stadium) upcoming TSLL debut show be some sort of grand gathering of several promotions, so a match on semi-neutral ground may be the scene there.
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY STADANKOWICZ!
MURRAY: Ladies and gentleman, that was one heck of a match, and with me at this time are the new #1 contenders to the tag titles, the team of Wilhelm Kruger and Mad Dog Wo- Wojo- Wocha- Wojeyhew- No, Wojasko-
(KRUGER snatches away the microphone)
KRUGER: One shot, one kill! That’s all it takes! And Grim Reapers! I hope you’re out there somewhere watching this, because this is just a taste of what’s in store for you two! The spoils of war are in our grasp, gentlemen, and Executive Solution always gets our man! KILLING! IS OUR BUSINESS! AND BUSINESS? (he gets an evil smile) …Is about to pick up. Tell ’em, Mad Dog!
MAD DOG: Reapers gonna reap, huh? Well, executives gonna execute! AAHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
MATCH #8: Agent Fang defeated Immortan Jimmy in 21:00 with a springboard moonsault to become the NEW Tri-State World Cruiserweight Champion
NERD RATING: 97% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Jimmy seemed unbeatable heading into this one, but the combination of what amounted to a 4-on-1 disadvantage and his own self-destructive tendencies ended what had been an impressive reign as cruiserweight champion. More than once, he went for the coffin drop, but every time, he overshot his goal just enough to bounce his crazy-ass head off of various pieces of plunder that the Evil Administration had tossed into the ring and fail to attempt a cover. Fang just kind of let his teammates set him up until he finally found an opportunity to put the Undying One away.
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Ladies and gentle-OOF
(PRESIDENT EVIL kind of hip-checks Murray out of frame, sending the microphone flying, which AGENT BULLDOG deftly snatches out of the air and hands to AGENT FANG, who pauses to admire his ill-gotten title belt for a moment before speaking)
FANG: (Flailing his arms and imitating the wild mannerisms of IMMORTAN JIMMY) “An object at rest cannot be stopped! MAAA-HAHAHAHA!” Well, Jimmy? Feeling pretty restless now, aren’t you? They all say you can’t die, but it doesn’t matter, because you sure can lose, can’t you? Look at it! (he stops to fog us the title belt and kind of polish it with his elbow pad) Beautiful isn’t it? And guess what! Ever since the dipshits that run this place let some other company take the NPI belt, you know what that means? That means that this is the top men’s title in this company! It means that I’m the number one guy in STRUGGLE Pro!
(PRESIDENT EVIL cocks his head and glares at FANG, while AGENT BULLDOG and AGENT 35 nervously take a step back)
FANG: Uhh, It means that I’m the number two guy in STRUGGLE Pro!
(EVIL nods in approval, and BULLDOG and 35 take a step forward)
FANG: And the rest of you out there can try all you want, but none of you losers will ever be able to win this belt from me! And you know why? (somewhat quietly and nervously) Can… Can I say it?
PRESIDENT EVIL: I think you’ve earned it, little buddy.
FANG: Nice. And you know why!? Because EVIL! ALWAYS ! WINS! YEEEEAAAHH!!!
MATCH #9: PARTY TIGER defeated Becky (With the Awful Hair) in 10:30 with Hold My Beer to become a TWO-TIME Tri-State World women’s Champion
NERD RATING: 90% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Speed kills, and despite her heroic intake of various depressants, few humans on this earth can move much faster than PARTY TIGER, and the fact that she took down the champ in just over ten minutes can attest to this. Whatever game plan Becky had coming into this flew quickly out the window, and TIGER had this one in the bag before it even really seemed to get going. PARTY TIGER is now a multiple-time STRUGGLE women’s champion, and while the pre-2019 title history is sealed and considered to be a separate title, she joins elite company with Yumiko La Grange as the only other multiple-time champ. Of course YLG’s three reigns lasted multiple years and only ended due to injury, pregnancy, and arrest, but she was also mostly fighting inferior competition, so it’s a diseased-apples-to-weird-ass-oranges situation, I guess.
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Wow, what a match! With me at this time is the NEW STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling Tri-State World Women’s Champion, ladies and gentlemen, here is PARTY TIGER!
TIGER: (holding the title belt triumphantly skyward) YEEEAAAH, WOOOOO! It’s party time again, motherf- (hiccups) Motherf- (hiccups) My duuuuuudes!
MURRAY: So, Miss TIGER, how does it feel to now become a two-time world’s champion?
TIGER: Well, y’know, it’s like, fuckin’, y’know, I was down pretty low after I lost the belt the first time around, so like, y’know, when I got my rematch, (hiccups) I knew I couldn’t, y’know, like, I couldn’t lose it again, man. And it really good good to- Oh, hey…
(BECKY WITH THE AWFUL HAIR walks up and stares intently at the championship belt before finally entering a stare-down with PARTY TIGER)
BECKY: TIGER… I know I can beat you. I know it, because I’ve done it before. And when I took that title from you, and you came to me asking for a rematch, I gave you one. And I’m asking you right now…. I want a rematch. You owe me that much.
TIGER: (holds up the belt and looks at it for a second, before looking Back at Becky and nodding) Yeah… Like… Best two outta three. You want a rematch, you can- (hiccups) You got one.
BECKY: (nodding) Best two out of three.
(BECKY and TIGER both extend their arms as if to shake on it, but the fact that TIGER’S Tigger costume has no actual opposable thumbs screws up the logistics of such a thing, and there’s an incredibly awkward moment where they try and fail repeatedly, before they each make a fist and kind of dap each other up to seal the deal)
MURRAY: You heard it here first, folks! PARTY TIGER will defend her title against the former champion, best two out of three falls!
BECKY: Wait, I just meant two out of three matches, like for the whole series.
TIGER: Eh, fuck it, I’m down if you are.
BECKY: Cool.
(BECKY and TIGER nod at each other once more and repeat the fist-bump, as the camera fades to black)