For once, the news isn’t completely horrible, as we’re kicking off the new year by actually doing a show, roughly halfway through the month. 2021 was one for the record books, for lack of a better phrase, but now it’s time for:
ANOTHER PERFECT YEAR.
This should be an… interesting show, as it’s taking place at the Nakamura Ballroom, adjacent to local titty establishment Gorgeous Gummo’s Casa de BUTTS, owned and operated by our own Gummo Nakamura. The show should take place this Sunday afternoon, unless something goes wrong, so expect it sometime in April. Here’s what’s on the card, as of right now: (subject to change)
DOCTOR REVEREND BILLY WAYNE HUMBLE VS. MARIOLUIGI LUCABRASI – Poor Marioluigi has had some exciting matches, but very little success in the heavyweight division, and his rumored scheme to drop those last 10 pounds to make the cruiserweight limit have been an uphill struggle. Apparently, his little sister Zelda is lobbying hard for him to go vegan, but various cured meats make up at least 45% of his diet, so she better not hold her breath. He heads into this one against Billy Wayne Humble, whose last match was his first loss, and he’ll probably have an army at ringside to prevent this from becoming a trend.
BIG DICK FUCHS VS. BUCKO CLAMBAKE – Fuchs has a new mean streak, along with a new manager in First Class Johnny San Diego, and he’s looking to start building some momentum here. Bucko is in the same boat, sort of, where he’s “gone Hollywood,” with a sweet new haircut and theme music and whatnot. Anyway, if Big Dick doesn’t put that 400-pound idiot away in under 5 minutes, it might be considered a moral defeat, because Clambake is still pretty much trash.
THE PHANTOM ROCKER VS. ZELDA LUCABRASI – Look, I’m not gonna lie, we appreciate Gummo Nakamura letting us use his new venue rent-free. The thing is, putting on a wrestling show in an active strip club means you’re gonna have most of your female talent absolutely refuse to be on the card, which leaves with a choice between just the lower-tier women who are desperate to move up in the rankings or the absolute party animals who probably should be left off the card to avoid incident. (Jezebel and Donita were both intentionally left off the card, and I’m already regretting booking PARTY TIGER‘s title defense for this show) Anyway, if they can survive the heckling from all the horny drunks, these two should put on an aerial display.
SKIP LEGDAY VS. DOUG GRAVES – Skip is feeling pretty salty after eating a pinfall loss in a tag match against Team Twizzy at STRUGGLEWEEN, and Doug is feeling confident from being the dude who did the pinning. Either Doug is in serious trouble here or this match could potentially fuck up the heavyweight rankings for the rest of the year, ha ha ha, oh god.
PRESIDENT EVIL VS. PARKING LOT DUVAL – Evil hasn’t had a match since a disappointing WAR PARTY 2021 finish against Big Bird Machine that would’ve been heartbreaking if the dude had a heart. He wanted a match to get his mojo back and was feeling particularly cruel, but also wanted someone who would at least put up a fight, so he called out the homeless guy. Hopefully, poor Duval can find a ride back to the Vito parking lot after the show, because he may not be in any shape to walk once this is over.
SCREAMING RAGE MAN VS. BUSINESS CLOWN – We fucked up and put these two in a match with countouts and disqualifications last time, and it worked out about as well as using a fully-loaded saltwater fish tank as a home for a gerbil. So now, the lunatic of God’s creation and a surprisingly violent clown get to cut loose without restrictions, and this should be a soul-killing bloodbath.
HAPSBURG RAYTHEON VI VS. BLACK PANTHER MASK – HR6 has faced BPM twice and lost both times, even just walking off in frustration the second time around, and these are the only two blemishes on his record. Panther is looking for a real statement victory here, and going three for three against the evil billionaire will fully establish him as a main event guy around here.
2/3 FALLS FOR THE WOMEN’S TITLE: PARTY TIGER VS. BECKY (WITH THE AWFUL HAIR) – The title match series between these two stand tied at 1-1, with Becky taking the title at WAR PARTY and TIGER reclaiming the strap at STRUGGLEWEEN. This is some real serious shit here, as both have been granted a rematch once already, and after that, it’s time to head to the back of the line and let someone else have a shot. TIGER is fighting to assert herself as the top dog in the division after a lengthy previous championship reign still saw wrestlers like Lorelei Grim, Stormy Knight, and Yumiko La Grange get all the headlines in the dirtsheets. For Becky, it’s a desperate, do-or-die situation for someone whose title reign lasted precisely one match. This should be a good one.
(Prior to the actual show start, there should be some yet-to-be-determined “dark matches” as always. Expect Gummo Nakamura to show up somewhere, as he really wants to wrestle on his new building’s first show, but still has managerial duties, so he needs to get out there early)
IN OTHER NEWS
Tyrannosaurus Plex hasn’t been seen or heard from since WAR PARTY, and it’s rumored that his client/manger relationship with Manny Diaz may have come to an end. While T-Plex is an uncaged beast who only knows the language of violence, he’s generally leaned toward the side of truth and justice, and seemed visibly uncomfortable with being pressured to join The Evil Administration. And with Administration officials strongly suspecting that the made a business decision to tap out to a mere hammerlock in the War Party match, (to the contrary, it’s been rumored that he was fighting through shoulder problems for most of the year, and this was just the final straw that broke the tyrannosaurid’s back) Plex is more than likely going to have very large, very evil problems when he returns to action, so he may need all the help he can get.
Speaking of the Evil Administration, retired former superstar First Lady Evil has been hinting at taking a more active role in Administration affairs, and has been vocally displeased with Agent Bulldog‘s rather lackluster WAR PARTY performance. President Evil, however, sees her in kind of a Hand of the King role, so her spot in the team seems safe for now. But with Agent Fang winning the cruiserweight title and focusing on singles action, she’s going to need to gets some wins, fast.
In other faction news, Humble Industries seems to be rapidly expanding, and the artist formerly known as The Überklaw has seen the light of the word of Lord, and is now to be known as Brother Klaw. Meanwhile, Sister Candy was recently seen speaking to what locker room snitches described as “a bigass scary-looking dude in a damn cloak,” and man, a cloak is never good news. Billy Wayne Humble, meanwhile, has taken a hand-off approach as of late, instead choosing to spread the word of The Lord (or if rumors are to be believed, chlamydia) at the local cosmetology school and the massage parlor next door to the arena.
The card hasn’t been set for the upcoming TSLL debut show, however advance ticket sales have been serious enough to warrant a move from the Tri-state Luchatorium to the surprisingly well-maintained Ciro Terranova Memorial Ballpark across town. And while the card hasn’t been set, a match for the STRUGGLE Tag Titles between Executive Solutions and Warrior Pro‘s Grim Reapers has been confirmed for the card, and word is that Puño Dorado has sent out feelers to promotions including EWX, Lucha POWER, and Hyper Pro Wrestling MOSES for potential guest appearances. Also, severely unconfirmed rumors have Dorado trying to put together some sort of one-night tournament for a theoretical TSLL Championship.
And as expected, with Extreme Wrestling XTREME taking control of the former STRUGGLE No Police Involvement Title, they’ll also be taking over the Decline of Western Civilization II tournament. The card hasn’t been set, but it’s expected to include EWX, STRUGGLE, and TSLL wrestlers, should be a one-night tournament culminating in some sort of ungodly deathmatch, and according to Tony Unity, any match featuring the NPI champion (currently, The KoЯn Demon) will be a title match. So one way or another, there will be up to three championship matches, and the tournament winner will walk away with the belt.
Meanwhile, in similar news, the YASS KWEENDOM 2022 tournament is expected to be a joint venture between STRUGGLE and Japan’s Notoriety promotion, with a qualifying round taking place here, followed by the four qualifiers being flown overseas (on Notoriety’s dime, obviously) to the Tri-Prefectural Area for the actual tournament. This could get complicated, as one of STRUGGLE’s biggest female stars, Yumiko La Grange, is persona non grata in a Notoriety ring, due to old drama from way back in the Olive Japan Women days, but a strong showing in the qualifying round could make things get real awkward, real fast.
Details are much more sketchy regarding the SUPER C-CUP 2022 tournament, but with STRUGGLE’s, well… struggles, TSLL is expected to be the tournament host. This is ideal, as their roster seems to be getting stacked high with lil flippy dudes. Hyper Pro Wrestling MOSES legend King Poseidon has allegedly expressed an interest in spot in the tournament, and allegedly wants a theoretical “dream match” against STRUGGLE legend Tupac Machine, who has been rumored to be considering retirement after 2022.
As of right now, there are no plans for a The Friends We Made Along the Way 2022 tournament, because the last one sucked.