(NOTE: This used to be called The STRUGGLE Session, but we realized that was too good a name and will be using it for house shows going forward)
First of all, the biggest story as of late was Tupac Machine’s somewhat turbulent run in Warrior Pro’s G2 Tournament. After a hot (yet controversial) start, scoring wins over La Guerra De Sangre’s Super Mohan and Red Masterson, it ended disappointingly with to two straight losses to Trey Taylor and Jack Gold, thanks in no small part to intervention by President Evil and his Administration. Somehow, this also lead to an interpromotional war between STRUGGLE and La Guerrra, which also ended disappointingly, as a La Guerra vs. B.A.R.S./Evil Administration match ended in a time limit draw.
And in truly inexplicable Evil fashion, rather than participating in the post-show press conference like a normal person, he came back home, waited several weeks, and then clogged up a back hallways at The Vito giving a foul-mouthed and, quite frankly, barely-coherent press conference. Basically, it was a lengthy exercise in his pathological need to screw with people, and this time around, (and thankfully for the rest of us here) he seems to have aimed his personal Chaos Cannon toward the west coast. The following is a partial transcript:
PRESIDENT EVIL: (holding a huge meatball sammich and somehow taking bites through his mask between sentences) …Disgraceful. Absolutely fucking disgraceful. It’s bad enough that I’m forced to compete with inferior talent like The Zohan and whoever the fuck else that was – El Asso Wipo, El Fetal Alcohol Syndromo or whatever, who gives a fuck – But I was also forced to punch down to their level by getting teamed up with a couple of loser dipshits – who started all of this, by the way.
I’m completely innocent here, as always. Just minding my business, as a goodwill ambassador to Warrior Pro, just being a delightful little snuggy-bear, when Tupac Machine started mouthing off to everyone, and I had to call in the Administration to save his scrawny ass. And I mean, seriously, that man’s gotta he in his fifties by now, he’s too goddamn old to throw temper tantrums like that. And seriously, it sucks. It sucks being the only adult in the room, and it sucks even more with whatever the hell kind of bullshit that was with that time limit draw. Frustrating. Infurating, even. Christ sake, I mean, I’m old, I’m fuckin’ tired, I didn’t get to hurt as many people as I’d have liked, and I work with fucking children. Next question. How ’bout you, four-eyes?
THE PRESS: With all due respect, Mr. Evil, that doesn’t sound anything like what actually happened.
EVIL: (Barely intelligible, through a huge mouthful of meat, cheese, and bread) Heh. Oh, you dear, sweet summer child. You must be new around here. Next question, but an actual question this time, and from someone else. (pointing into the press corps) Ask away, fuck-o.
THE PRESS: You seemed to be implying that something was amiss with the time limit draw in your match. Would you care to elaborate?
EVIL: First of all, as an aside, in case anyone’s wondering where I got this delicious sammich? I got it from your mom. But as for the end of the match, you see, I’m an artist when it comes to fucking people up, and I need time to make my art, and I was never informed of any time limit whatsoever! If I had known, I just would have never tagged out and wrecked those losers in seconds. And that didn’t feel like thirty minutes to me, anyway! It was more like fifteen, almost like their stupid clock was running at double time, like this was a video game or something! The goddamn thing was rigged!
THE PRESS: Are you suggesting that there was some sort of malfeasance, or collusion, or-
EVIL: You want me to say it’s a conspiracy? Fine, it’s a fuckin’ conspiracy. They still hate me over there for asserting my dominance over Big Bird Machine and finally getting someone to pay attention to them, and they couldn’t bear to see me – the greatest professional wrestler who ever was or will be – triumphant in a Warrior Pro ring. What I’m saying here is that Warrior Pro is a poorly-managed shit-show, maybe even worse than this one. What was that nonsense with Dollar Store James Worthy and Bird’s lil’ pal Rampage? How the FUCK do you have a DRAW in a TOURNAMENT!?
(Behind him, AGENT FANG and AGENT BULLDOG share an uncomfortable glance)
EVIL: And if you ask me, this all starts with management. What’s that’s guy’s name, fuckin’, Lefty McDaniel? The guy who got the job by being born into it? Gee, who woulda ever thought he was unqualified to run a wrestling promotion? I mean, hell, David Harley is also a moron who’s in over his head, but at least he came into it honestly and has alcoholism as an excuse. Seriously, the man’s basically just Ace La Grange with a normal human hairline and better life-management skills. But I digress. Back to Warrior Pro, with that kind of rot at the top, of course you get screwy clocks and absolute chaos backstage.
PRESS: That’s a strange thing to say when they seem to have major events with some regularity, and your home promotion is on the verge of bankruptcy, hasn’t crowned a world champion since the relaunch, and haven’t even run a house show in-
EVIL: (Quietly, through gritted teeth) Goddammit, don’t make me have to defend this place. Anyway, my point stands! When the guy running the company was chosen based on whose balls he sprang from, this is the kind of bullshit you have to deal with. Not to mention that this is also the kind of bullshit you have to deal with when you allow left-handed people to run loose in society.
(Behind him, AGENT 35 uncomfortably glances down at his left hand and hides it behind his back)
EVIL: Next question! (pointing into the press corps again) You, with the shirt and the pants! Sit the fuck down! I wanna talk to the other guy!
THE PRESS: You seem to imply that STRUGGLE Pro is a badly-run, failing wrestling promotion, full of losers, rejects, and drug addicts. So why are you still there?
EVIL: (slowly lowering the remains of his sammich, leaning forward menacingly, and having his entire demeanor change) …Because they have something I want. That other place out west? They’ve got nothing for me. I did those pukes a favor by gracing them with my presence. Unless, of course, someone decided to give me a world title shot, but I’d like to think that even those idiots aren’t that stupid; they’d have to know they’d never see that belt again. Next question.
THE PRESS: On the subject of the world champion, do you have any response to recent comments made by Doc Wy-
EVIL: (agitated) Alright, so you fancy yourself a journalist?
THE PRESS: What?
EVIL: So you fancy yourself a journalist, would you say you’re friends with Dick Wyatt?
THE PRESS: I- Uhh, wait, what?
(Next to the President, FIRST LADY EVIL bites her lip and seemingly fights back a chuckle, before covering her mouth with her hand and turning her head, as if she knows exactly where this is all about to go.)
EVIL: If you’re going to keep printing these slanderous lies about me, you should disclose who you’re friends with.
THE PRESS: Sir, I’ve never even met Doc-
EVIL: I never wanted anything to do with Richard Wyatt, and he’s not even a real doctor! And it is fucking unfortunate that I have to come out here and deal with this fucking bullshit, over a guy who shares a Netflix account with his sister! Did you get that? He shares a Netflix account. With his sister. It’s 2022! Who does that!? A common criminal, that’s who. And if you doubt me, I have all the receipts, I have all the invoices, I have all the documentation! (raising a finger toward the ceiling) DOC-UMENTATION!
(At this, AGENT FANG has to cover his face and turn around to avoid being seen laughing, and AGENT 35’s face is completely hidden by his mask, but he is clearly internally vibrating, as he attempts to suppress the sound from escaping. BECKY WITH THE EVIL HAIR grins, purses her lips, and nods in approval. AGENT BULLDOG remains stone-faced, while the FIRST LADY just sort of turns around quietly peaces out)
EVIL: And what did I ever do to deserve an empty-headed fuck like Renaldo Wyatt – who isn’t even a doctor, we’ve been over this – to start running his fuckin’ mouth, when he hasn’t done a damn thing in this business.? What did I do? What did I ever do!?
THE PRESS: Sir, you invaded Warrior Pro and brought violence and misery in your wake twice now, and as far as what he’s done in this business, Doc Wyatt is literally their world champion.
EVIL: Whatever! You invaded Warrior Pro, you cad!
(BECKY rapidly nods once more and mouths out the phrase “it’s true, I saw it,” AGENT FANG doubles over, clearly unable to breathe, and AGENT 35 seems to be having some sort of convulsion attack, while BULLDOG remains steadfast.)
THE PRESS: W-what?
EVIL: Listen. I don’t have time for this. I don’t have time for you idiots in the press, I don’t have time for Fake Doctor John Jacob Jingleheimer Wyatt or his Netflix-stealin’-ass family, and I don’t have time to keep talking about this godforsaken promotion, where you’ve got someone like Lefty McDaniel, who calls himself some kind of executive, but can’t keep his dipshitted roster in line, and can’t stop people like Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Wyatt from going into business for themselves and forcing me to lower myself to their level. And I apologize. I apologize to the world for allowing you all to have ever been born. Prez Out!
OTHER NEWS AND NOTES AND WHATNOT:
– Since his return to pro wrestling managerdom, Johnny San Diego has been relatively quiet, so far only signing Big Dick Fuchs and The Turd Boyz for his First Class Family. But he assures us that “big things are on the horizon,” so I guess expect another fair-to-middling underachiever or two to be added to the stable any day now.
– The search continues for a financial-type sugar daddy to help keep STRUGGLE’s doors open, but there have been relatively few new developments, aside from a lot of non-options:
- Current wrestler Hapsburg Raytheon VI has nearly limitless cash, but carries the risk of losing interest in wrestling and hunting us all for sport. My stance of being subject to the Most Dangerous Game will always be in the “against” column.
- Former TSWA star and current “legitimate businessman” Ivan Grozny has expressed interest, but is quite frankly (allegedly) mobbed up as all hell, and we’ve been on that ride before, and it ended with us being out of business for a decade, with the company president serving a lengthy prison term.
- Local gazillionaire Ruprecht Schtank has issued cryptic hints of interest, but is notoriously flaky and scatterbrained with this sort of thing, and the hints were, well, cryptic, so there’s a good chance we never actually hear from him. Knowing him, he’ll take us over, burn the building down while trying to add WiFi connectivity to Screaming Rage Man, and then run off into the night with a taxpayer bailout. But it is fun to think about, I guess.
- Internet rumor has hinted that SWA chairman Madman Musci has expressed an interest in buying STRUGGLE to turn it into a developmental territory, but we haven’t heard shit, and there’s a roughly 100% chance someone made this up for website clicks. Let’s be honest, the dude is more than busy lately, dealing with various lawsuits related to alleged sex-pestilence, plus the big upcoming all-expenses-paid propaganda show in Latveria that’s coming up. Also, let’s be honest, if this is even really a thing, he’ll more than likely just wait for us to go out of business and buy our tape library for the SWA Network.
- Speaking of larger and more well-run companies preparing to take us over, another rumor has MOSES/Notoriety owner Hiro Nakatomi buying in, and I’ll just squash that right now, because we’ve got a pretty close relationship with them, and if this was on the table, we’d have been notified by now. Honestly, it’s not that far-fetched a move, as Mr. Nakatomi was apparently a big fan of the pre-bankruptcy STRUGGLE, but he did already buy a promotion not too long ago, and he’s got a corporate board to answer to, and the word is, they’ve been trying to reign in his spending lately. Rest assured, however, that there will be a lot of interaction between STRUGGLE and the Nakatomi family of promotions in the near future.
– In more hopefully-false rumor news, former TSWA super-hyper-megastar Dick Steel has allegedly been training for some sort of comeback, and for fuck’s sake, I hope this isn’t true. The man is in his seventies, has had more heart attacks than Walter Grabowski, hasn’t wrestled since 2004, and looked awful and near-death back then. This is an all-time terrible idea, and anyone who aids in its execution should be sent to prison, and then killed.
– Finally, I can assure you, gentle reader that we will resume daily wrestling operations sooner than later. And with the world making the collective decision to pretend that the pandemic is over, the old folks will soon be coming back to the Vito Genovese Bingo Complex and Auction Barn for their stupid bingo, and this will force us us into some sort of actual tour. We usually leave naming this sort of thing up to Murray, and he’s a huge moron, so he’s leaning toward “Fall Forward” or something like that as a name for the whole affair. Hopefully, no fights break out when everyone misunderstands and shows up an hour early. So stay tuned to find out if STRUGGLE will soon be at an arena near you, or at least just flipping back and forth between the Vito, the Dojo, and Gummo’s club. And as always, God help us all.