Well, this was a weird-ass show. What was old is new again, and we’ll leave it at that. Watch the show below before Twitch deletes it, then scroll down.
Watch more wrestlings! from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvMATCH #1: Zippity Duda defeated Jackson Victory with a flash rollup in 18:09
Nerd Rating: 86% *** 1/2*
We’re all going to have to take a step back and admit to ourselves that this kid is good, and that’s all there is to it. Now, we just gotta find a way to make him actually want to be here and actually want to do this, instead of just trying to please his mom. Maybe set him up in a tag team with somebody really positive or something. Well, half the positive-thinkers on the roster are all hopped up on goofballs, so maybe not that. I dunno, hopefully, he’ll stick around.
HIGHLIGHT!
INTERVIEW: Murray interviews Donita Zapata and Crash Ferrari
Basically, Donita and Crash just verbally abused Murray for a minute, while Donita asserted via maths that she did no wrong in taking out The Phantom Rocker, and Crash was Crash. By which I mean he was an asshole, if you’re not familiar with him.
MATCH #2: Becky With the Awful Hair defeated Hoda Duda-Day with that flippy legdrop thing (CRITICAL!) in 12:34
Nerd Rating: 81% ***
Good God, that rolling guillotine whatchamacallit is just brutal, I mean, this isn’t the first time she’s knocked out an opponent with it. Meanwhile, I don’t know what to think about ol’ Hoda lately. I mean, yeah, she’s getting up there in years and she’s definitely lost a step, but she clearly can still go. The problem is that she can still go just slightly below the level of what everyone else seems to be doing. So she keeps having great matches, but hasn’t won one yet. I guess that is some real Circle of Life shit there, though, doing the favors for the younger generation on the way out.
HIGHLIGHTS!
MATCH #3 – HARDCORE TORNADO TAG: Bad Religion defeated the Rockin’ Rocksmen when Mayhem hit the Clothesline from Heaven in 8:55
Nerd Rating: 69% (nice)
Ah, jeez, I just don’t know about this Rocksmen reunion. They looked outclassed out there, and the BRs ran through them like a hot knife through butter. Like literally, as in they stabbed them several times. I’m not sure Rocky’s heart is really in this, and I know damn well that Roland’s body isn’t up to this. Maybe we need to stage an intervention if or something if things don’t turn around soon.
INTERVIEW: Murray interviews COKE PARTY
PARTY TIGER is too drunk to speak, and then Ross goes into some sort of full-blown cocaine psychosis, making literal terroristic threats toward Crash Ferrari. Wresstling!
MATCH #4: Yumiko La Grange defeated Patty Bobatty with a Liger Bomb in 1:24
Nerd Rating: 62% *
Hahahaha, wow. I’m not supposed to tell anyone this, but Yumiko was actually scheduled to fight Taco Belle for this show, but she came into the building, all stomping around and yelling some shit about how Alan Jr. got caught beating off to National Geographic in the school library, and she had to talk to the principal about it, and it was just this whole horrifying ordeal. Anyway, we figured she was too pissed off to risk someone with a future in pro wrestling against that sort of juggernaut, and just kinda sent Belle home and put Patty in there. I guess the best thing I can say about this match is that Patty managed to leave the ring under her own power.
MATCH #5: Tyrannosaurus Plex defeated Bucko Clambake with the Extinction Level Event in 1:10
Nerd Rating: 71% **
Actually had kind of a shocking moment here, as Bucko managed to reverse a vertical suplex and sent T-Plex headfirst out on o the goddamn concrete. Could this finally be the day when one of these losers finally knocked off the Suplex Tyrant? Ha, fuck no, he literally pinned him seconds later.
MATCH #6: Screaming Rage Man defeated the Masked Instigators when he German suplexed Instigator #1 in 19:55
Nerd Rating: 64% *
I decided that Rage Man had been getting kicked around lately and needed to get his mojo back, so I put him in there against the team that definitely isn’t Dick Smales and Churd Grunson. Now, don’t be fooled by that 20-minute match time. This was an absolute massacre, just a brutal nightmare of face-and-groin torture, and it would’ve been over in seconds, but those two are too goddamn dumb to not break up a pin and let it all end. Maybe now, he can get back to doing such things to real opponents.
MATCH #7: Ace La Grange defeated Nasty Dick Bacteria with the Sharpshooter in 31:58
Nerd Rating: 98%
He… He really is good now. (Brother) This was a bloody brawl that went all over the place, and both of these guys looked like superstars out there. But Ace overcame a whole bunch of package piledrivers and a face full of blood to get the win, after Nasty Dick kicked his ass for most of the match. It’s funny. Wrestling always came easy to Ace, and the lack of required effort is probably a big part of how he became such a drunken, pill-popping mess for all those years. But now that he’s older and fatter and balder, it still all comes easy to him.
HIGHLIGHT!
MATCH #8 – TORNADO TAG: COKE PARTY defeated Crash Ferrari & Donita Zapata when PARTY TIGER hit Donita with the Momo Latch in 10:08
Nerd Rating: 69% (nice)
Well, this was underwhelming. After vendettas of familial revenge and threats of murder, they just kind of went out there and had a normal wrestling match for about half the time you’d expect them to. I guess it makes sense, as the elephant in the room is that Ross really is a distant second among the Brothers Coke, Crash really does feel like all of this is beneath him and truly doesn’t care that he took Ricky out, and while she’s generally irritable and violent, Donita honestly has no real personal issues with PARTY TIGER. We need to stop fucking around, just rip the Band-Aid off, and get these two in a singles match and end this nonsense, but Crash is still refusing to do it. He truly is a giant sack of shit.
BONUS MATCH: Big Bird Machine defeated Ugly, Stupid Bob with a big splash in 9:45
Nerd Rating: 77% ** 1/2*
Well, I’ll be damned. So there were, having just had a disappointing main event, and Murray is on his way through the curtain, and Nate stops him, saying there’s one more match and sends Bob out to the ring. “I didn’t book another match,” I tell him, and he just gets this weird grin on his face, and before I know what’s going on, there’s a goddamn eight foot tall bird-man walking out of the locker room. I don’t know what he said or how much he had to pay, but the kid did it, he actually got Bird back in the ring. Now, I’ll be straight with you people: I don’t know what the deal is from here on out. I’m sure it wasn’t a one-time deal, because why waste that on Bob’s sorry ass, but as far as what kind of schedule he’s working, apparently he and Nayte are still working that out. As for the match, it didn’t matter. People freaked ssmooth the hell out, and Biurd won, because he always wins. What I’m curious about is how President Evil is going to handle this development.
STATS FOR THE NERDS:
Approximate Length: 1:54
Average match time: 12:45
Average Nerd Rating: 75.2 ** 1/2* – all those squashes kinda dragged this down
MATCH OF THE NIGHT!
Watch (almost a) FIVE STAR MATCH! Ace La Grange vs. Nasty Dick Bacteria from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvNot our best show, but eventful, to say the least. Go away.