(STANDARD DISCLAIMER: copied and pasted from the Pro Wrestling Observator website, and if they say anything about it, we’ll start kicking the fatass with the bowl cut out of our shows, because we know he’s the guy that sends them the house show reports, the little pervert – Abdul)
Brain God, the Calculation Master, manager, spokesman, and supreme leader of the stable known collectively as The Think Tank (currently consisting of Brain God, Think Tank X, Think Tank Y, Cyberta, and Humungulus) has announced the group is leaving doomed South Central Tri-State Area based outlaw promotion STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling, effective immediately. No specific reason was given to the public for the sudden exit, except for a bunch of jibber-jabbering about how “my genius cannot be contained in so small a vessel,” or some such, but our reporter was rolling his eyes too hard to actually bother writing down the entire statement.
This move was met with shock by many in the local mudshow wrestling community, as Brain God and the original Think Tanks tag team were famously some of the only big names to stay onboard all the way to the bitter end during the horrifying collapse of the original version of STRUGGLE Pro in 2011. However, many have pointed out alleged tensions backstage over Brain God and the Tanks not being offered a full-time contract, (apparently, the company has only locked down a very small, select handful of wrestlers, including former world champions President Evil, Big Bird Machine, and Yumiko La Grange, as well as currently-injured young star Skip Legday) and the Think Tanks tag team recently taking several outside bookings was seen by some as a threat to the STRUGGLE office. We reached several officials and wrestlers inside STRUGGLE for comment on the matter:
STRUGGLE Acting President Nate Ruggle: “Uhh well, The Think Tank were a valued members of the STRUGGLE family for many years, and we wish them well in their future endeavors. I guess.”
STRUGGLE Head Booker/Producer Uncle Abdul: “That little bobble-headed son of a bitch, I always knew he was a fuckin’ snake. I mean, uhh, we wish him well, future endeavors, blah blah, ah whatever. Fuck him.”
President Evil: “What? Haha, oh man, I hope it’s because of something I said. Even if it isn’t, I’m just gonna pretend it is. Just sad I couldn’t give the little prick a wedgie on his way out.”
Rabbi Spike (half of the Bad Religion tag team): “Oy vey, that little rat bastard and his fakakta Think Tanks. If you ask me for my opinion, I think he was worried that one day, they’d come up against us, and then his meshuganneh team would be leaving on a stretcher instead of a press release.”
PARTY TIGER: “Heyyyy man, it’s like, it’s like… (hiccups) Y’know, s’like… Thinks Tanks, man, they’re like… (hiccups) You know? You know, ’cause like, like… You know, like, you understand me, and like, (hiccups) I just loooove you soooo much, maaaan! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Her statement continued after this, but had mostly devolved into hiccup-punctuated crying and gibberish)
Froggy Terry: “Think Tanks? Man, Froggy Terry ain’t care. Because Froggy Terry’s gotta do he does best, and that’s to do what’s best for Froggy Terry, you know what Froggy Terry is sayin’? Froggy Terry.”
Walter Grabowski (half the the 46 Defenders tag team) – “Ya know dere, it really doesn’t matter if Da Tink Tanks are here or not, because just as da Dallas Cowboys were dahminated dis most recent Tursday by da Mahnsters of Da Midway, or as dey are better known, da Chicahgo Bearss, da tag team division will cahnitnue ta be dahminated by da 46 Defenders, my friend.
When reached for comment on future plans for himself and his organization, Brain God the Calculation Master was quoted as saying, “Plans? Oh, mark my words, I have plans. Plans you could not even begin to understand with your feeble little brain!” He then attempted to laugh maniacally, but apparently sucked some spit down the wrong pipe and coughed uncontrollably until he finally hung up.
OFFICIAL THINK TANKS SHIRTS STILL AVAILABLE WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!