(NOTE: Due to the incredibly timely nature of this post, it’s necessary to point out that this all pertains to the events of SHELTER IN PLACE #3. Also, there were reports of some weird visual glitches, almost as though this all took place on a heavily-modded video game, but that is FAKE NEWS from the failing Wrestling Observer.)

(Backstage, DOCTOR REVEREND BILLY WAYNE HUMBLE has just defeated TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX with a timely assist from the team of FATHER MAYHEM and RABBI SPIKE, aka the tag team of BAD RELIGION. The entirety of HUMBLE MINISTRIES is there, with SISTER CANDY supervising as BROTHER SMOTHERS and SISTER DOBALINA load up the few remaining bottles of HUMBLE’S MIRACLE ELIXIR for transport back to the van, and Humble himself goes over the night’s receipts and packs away a substantial amount of cash. As Candy and Dobalina make their way outside, the two members of BAD RELIGION approach.)

BILLY WAYNE HUMBLE: (moving quickly to close the cash box and pass it off to SMOTHERS, who exits the scene, before breaking into a huge smile and going into full snake oil salesman mode) Why hello there, my brothers! As we have not had a proper introduction, allow me to introduce myself, I am the right honorable Doctor Reverend-

RABBI SPIKE: Ve know, ya putz. And I am thinking you know us, too.

FATHER MAYHEM: Gotta say, “Doctor Reverend,” this is a helluva operation you got here. Sure would be a shame if something were to… happen to it. (picks up a bottle of elixir and cracks open the seal, taking a sniff and immediately recoiling in disgust)

HUMBLE: (indignantly snatches the bottle out of Spike’s hand) Excuse me, but that is a very expensive medicinal preparation. And I do not appreciate your tone, my good sir. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that sounded like a threat.

MAYHEM: Maybe, maybe not. I guess it all depends on how you look at it. (SPIKE, menacingly circling the two, takes the bottle back out of Humble’s hand and studies the label)

HUMBLE: (suddenly and jarringly dropping the southern gentleman act) Alright, goddammit. What are you getting at?

MAYHEM: I’m just saying, a man like you, doing the kinda bullshit that you do, you stand to make a lot of enemies here. And when that happens – and it will happen – how safe do you feel, Billy?

HUMBLE: Well, I do have my two Deacons behind me. Brother Smothers and Sister Dobalina have provided security for the church for several-

MAYHEM: Ha! Seriously? You think those two dipshits are enough? I dunno if you noticed the giant lizard man who threw you into the sky several times tonight, but you ain’t exactly in a church anymore!

HUMBLE: Well, I mean, I never really (his face suddenly twists into a look of pure horror) – oh Jesus, what the hell are you doing!?

(MAYHEM turns just in time to see SPIKE casually take a big swig of elixir)

HUMBLE: God lord, how could you do that!? That shit is poison!

MAYHEM: Dude, did you even smell that shit first? It was like liquid death!

SPIKE: (shrugging) Eh, vhat the hell is in this anyway? (kind of smacks his lips) Is that… Turpentine?

HUMBLE: Well, you know, it’s… Ahh, well, it’s a proprietary formula, but… Uhh… Yes.

SPIKE: Ha! I knew it!

MAYHEM: Hold up a minute. You mean, you just know the taste of turpentine!?

SPIKE: Eh, vhat of it, I vas thirteen, it vas a dare, don’t make a federal case out of it.

MAYHEM: (shakes his head in disgust, then turns back to Humble) ANYWAY… If you think that’s all the backup you need in a place like this, you’re not paying attention. You really think those two will be any help when you piss off The Evil Administration? Do you think Candy will able to hold off President fucking Evil? And if you haven’t noticed, Ivan the Awful’s kids all wrestle here now! What are you gonna do when he decides his “legitimate business” needs to get into the snake oil racket? Hell, and that’s even before you consider what would happen if you get on the bad side of all those gigantic inbreeders from Grim Holler!

SPIKE: Inbreeders? Eh, I dunno, seems like an exaggeration, if you ask me. I mean, if that Lorelei Grim is the kinda thing you get from inbreeding, I might have to phone up my fuckin’ cousin.

MAYHEM: Dude! That’s fuckin’ sick!

SPIKE: Ach, ya schmuck, it vas a joke! I’m just saying though, she is a very attractive young lady, though.

(MAYHEM shoots him a look like he just ate the world’s largest booger)

SPIKE: Lorelei, goddammit, not my cousin! Oy gevalt!

HUMBLE: (sighs) ANYWAY… What exactly are you two proposing here?

MAYHEM: We want in, Humble. You need muscle, and we got it. We need money, and you got it. Perfect arrangement, if you ask me.

HUMBLE: (mulls it over for a second) If you run with me, you can’t wear black.

SPIKE: Oy, vhat the hell, I don’t know if you noticed, this is BAD Religion!

HUMBLE: That’s the one rule, boys. You can do the whole hellfire gimmick on your own time, but when you’re on Ministry business, it’s white and gold. Non-negotiable.

(MAYHEM and SPIKE look at each other with pained looks on their faces)

HUMBLE: (sighs) …And I’ll pay for the new gear.

(MAYHEM and SPIKE look at each other again, but this time are all nods and smiles)

MAYHEM: I think you got a deal, boss. (reaches out and shakes HUMBLE’s hand, as SISTER CANDY approaches)

HUMBLE: (switching seamlessly back into televangelist mode) Why, hello there, Sister, you have returned just in time! The Rabbi and the Padre have just agreed to assist our ministry in its Holy Mission!

CANDY: (smiling widely, but somehow creepily staring blankly ahead at the same time) That is blessed news, Doctor Reverend! Humble Ministries welcomes parishioners of all faiths, and you two will absolutely love it here with our family!

SPIKE: (gravelly New Jersey biker voice suddenly clears up, goes up a full octave, and takes on a hint of an Irish accent) Oh thank you and bless you, my child. We are eager to help you lovely people spread The Lord’s mercy, aren’t we Rabbi?

(SPIKE just stands there silently staring a hole directly through CANDY’s cleavage, until MAYHEM finally elbows him in the ribs really hard)

SPIKE: Hah! Vhat!? (suddenly jarred back to reality, like he was just shaken awake) Yeah, good. Okay.

CANDY: This is truly a wonderful day! I’ll go tell the Deacons the good news! Bless you sirs! Bless you!

(CANDY heads off to the propped-open fire exit, where the Humble Ministries van is waiting. For their part, HUMBLE, SPIKE, AND MAYHEM just sort of silently stare at her ass the entire time.)

MAYHEM: Alright, fuck it, we’re all adults here. I gotta know, you hittin’ that or what?

HUMBLE: Well, you know… Not even gonna act like I brought her in with the purest of intentions, but it turns out she was a lot more serious about the whole “junkie stripper gets right with Jesus” bullshit than I had hoped.

SPIKE: Ach, you hate to see it.

MAYHEM: Heh. You love to watch it, though… Of course, bein’ a priest, I wouldn’t know anything about such carnal pursuits…

(SPIKE and HUMBLE both shoot him a look that says “come on, dude” louder than words ever could, before all three men burst into loud, boisterous laughter)

HUMBLE: Gentlemen… (he puts his arms across the shoulders of both of them) I think this is the beginning of a beautiful – and lucrative – friendship.

SPIKE: L’Chaim! (he takes another big swig of Humble Elixir, causing both HUMBLE and MAYHEM to recoil in horror)

NEXT TIME: Hype for SHELTER IN PLACE TOUR #4, coming… Uhhh… Eventually.