(copied and pasted from the Pro Wrestling Observator website, and if they say anything about it, I’m gonna send Rage Man to their office to get back all those free leftover Think Tanks shirts we gave them, by any means necessary – Abdul)
SAN JOSE – Chaos erupted backstage at Warrior Pro Wrestling‘s otherwise wildly successful Warriorversary II show, when visiting regional legend Big Bird Machine was assaulted following his match with Warrior Pro’s Rampage Hunter. Mr. Machine, who wrestles for STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling, an outlaw mudshow located in the South Central Tri-State Area, was delivering a post-match promo when he was attacked by a group of fellow STRUGGLE wrestlers known as The Evil Administration, who were not scheduled to appear. The group is notable for being led by President Evil, a former protege of TSWA legend Governor Justice as well as Big Bird Machine himself, and who was a former Tri-state World Heavyweight champion in STRUGGLE’s original incarnation that ended in 2011. He went on to have decent runs throughout the 2010s in various promotions such as Olive Japan and Neo-One, before repeatedly being fired for behavioral issues and returning to a relaunched STRUGGLE in 2017. Video footage has not been made available of the attack, but the following i a partial transcript:
BIG BIRD MACHINE: First of all, I’d like to say that it’s been an honor and a privilege to be invited to wrestle here, and I’d like to thank Mr. McDaniel and all the Warrior Pro staff for making me feel at home for the last couple of days. And as for Rampage, I honestly have to give him all the credit in the world. He gave me a real challenge, and while he had a bad day out there, he shouldn’t let-
(All of a sudden, STRUGGLE Pro wrestlers and Evil Administration henchmen Agent Fang and Agent 35 rush into the room, wielding baseball bats. Before anyone can react, they go to work, viciously assaulting Big Bird Machine. While BBM briefly gets the upper hand on Agent Fang, Agent 35 swings for the fences, and with the sickening sound of wood against skull, BBM goes down and doesn’t get up. As they hold the crowd at bay, fellow Evil Administration member Agent Bulldog enters, threateningly brandishing a cattle prod, followed by President Evil himself, who takes BBM’s place in front of the press and addresses the stunned onlookers)
PRESIDENT EVIL: MY FELLOW AMERICANS! Whoopty-fuckin-doo!
(He pauses to glance back at the Warriorversary poster directly behind him)
EVIL: You know, I realize that you people have nothing going on in your lives, but this is pathetic! I mean I get it, me showing up like this is the greatest moment in the history of this promotion, but you’re not supposed to celebrate the anniversary for at least another year!
(Even faced with the potential of beatings and electrocution, the members of the press audibly groan)
EVIL: Eh? Really? Guess I’m not getting invited up to the couch with Johnny and Ed this time. Anyway, you pissants keep quiet, I need to have a word with Tons O’ Fun down here.
(EVIL kneels down next to a prone BIG BIRD MACHINE, who struggles in an attempt to stand and reaches toward EVIL, before another baseball bat shot to the back from AGENT 35 puts him back down)
EVIL: Hey there! How ya doin’? Ooh, sorry to hear that! Say, Bird, do you happen to remember what I said a few weeks back? You know, after I destroyed Ace La Grange’s neck and ruined his pathetic life? Let me refresh what’s left of your memory, old man: “One down, one to go.” Who did you think I meant? Treat Boy? The shithead in the frog suit? Are you senile or just stupid!? Did you really think it was over between us? Did you really think that you could tell everybody that you hurt your knee, fuck off for nine years, then show back up like everything was fine? Did you really think you were safe? Well Bird, in case you forgot, I AM PRESIDENT FUCKING EVIL! It doesn’t matter what you do or how far you run! NO ONE IS EVER SAFE FROM ME!
(EVIL rises back to his feet)
EVIL: So just consider this a friendly reminder. We’re not done, Bird. Not until your head is mounted on my wall. One down, one to go. See you real soon.
(EVIL proceeds to pull up the bottom of his executioner’s hood and spits directly on the back of a seemingly completely unconscious BIG BIRD MACHINE’S head, before turning back toward the press)
EVIL: Anyway, you worms enjoy the rest of the show, even though I don’t see how that’s possible with me not being here. Remember kids, evil always wins, and this episode has been brought to you by the number 666 and the letters F, U, C,K, Y, O, and U a second time. Prez out!
(The Evil Administration starts to walk away, but before exiting, AGENT 35 stops and gets one more kick in on BBM, before stepping to the microphone)
AGENT 35: Hey, sorry guys, somebody needs to call a janitor. I guess I left a big, yellow pile of crap on your floor!
As of right now, no details have emerged regarding Big Bird Machine’s physical condition, as he initially refused medical treatment, but it’s believed that he suffered a major concussion and multiple broken ribs. When reached for comment, STRUGGLE president Nate Ruggle made no official statement, but was shocked, as this was the first he had heard of the incident. STRUGGLE head booker “Uncle” Abdul Haddad’s comments were unfit for publication, as they were mostly profanity and threats of unrealistic violence toward Mr. Evil. We attempted to contact President Evil himself, but he just responded by making a bunch of fart noises and then hanging up on us.