That’s right, people, we pulled a double. We did the official COOL ZONE TOUR 2020 show early in the day, then followed it up with the old style “house show” at night. And we’d fuckin’ do it again. Anyway, Twitch still hasn’t fixed their embed code, so go here for Cool Zone #2, then take a bathroom break and go here for the house show. Then come back here and read about the early show. Then come back in a day or so (hopefully) to read how you’re supposed to feel abut the house show. STRUGGLE is your master.

COOL ZONE TOUR #2

MATCH #1: Jezebel Grim & Toshiyo Nakano defeated Lorelei & Jezebel Grim in 20:59 when Jezebel hit Junior with the Steel Reserve Stunner

Nerd Rating: 92% ⭐⭐⭐⭐

For two people who just met a couple weeks ago, I have to say, Nakano and Jezebel have some serious tag team chemistry, and it’s kind of a bummer that having so many co-ed teams here in STRUGGLE kinda makes a women’s tag division redundant. With the victory, they moved into the WILD CARD CHALLENGE, plus won $5 in a bet with Lorelei, which was indeed just a five-spot and not 5 each. Hillbilly Grim is a notoriously cheap man, (he still lives in a trailer despite making millions selling organic sausages to Williamsburg hipster restaurants) and I have to wonder if he passed this trait on to his daughters. Anyway, later after the show ended, Jezebel claimed she would put the $5 mainly toward a couple bags of Doritos, and announced her future plans for the team, which mostly seemed to consist of “getting high as fuck out in the parking lot.” For her part, Toshiyo just seemed scared and confused. And I felt her there, I really did.

MATCH #2: Tyrannosaurus Plex destroyed Dick Smales in 3:40 with Karelin’s Lift

Nerd Rating: 71% **

I mean, there was never any doubt how this would end, but T-Plex really did seem to step his game up here. We won’t know for certain until he faces someone who’s not on a 20-year losing streak, but it sure looks like Manny Diaz is finally polishing him into the killing machine he was always supposed to be.

POST-MATCH WITH THE FULLY-VISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!

MANNY DIAZ: Everybody out there, and all the other wrestlers in the STRUGGLE locker room, take a good look! You are all on notice! This is the future! This is your future!

(T-PLEX paces back and forth restlessly, literally snarling like some kind of freaking monster)

DIAZ: This man – this beast – is six-foot-five, two hundred and ninety pounds of blood, bone, muscle, and rage, and he has been unleashed! I don’t care who it is! I don’t care if you’re a President, a Savage, or a Machine! The American Tyrant is coming for you all! Tell ’em T-Plex!

T-PLEX: LISTEN! THERE NO SHAME IN BEING AFRAID! IF YOU ARE AFRAID, IT IS BECAUSE YOU PAY ATTENTION! T-PLEX WILL SMASH EVERYTHING IN HIS PATH! I WILL BREAK YOU! I WILL SUPLEX YOU! I WILL TEAR YOU APART! AND I! WILL! GNAW! YOUR! BOOOOONES!

(MANNY kind of discretely elbows T-PLEX, who was seemingly finished talking)

T-PLEX: Oh, uhhh… FOR AMERICAAAA!

DIAZ: There it is.

MATCH #3: WILD CARD CHALLENGE BATTLE ROYAL #1: El Grande Chungus defeated Brother Smothers, Comrade DIRECT ACTION, Ludmilla Grozny, and 8 others in 44:53 to put BIG BOI SEASON in the tag title tournament –

Nerd Rating: 74% ⭐⭐

It’s really hard to write anything coherent about a battle royal, because it’s just a big jumble of sweaty bodies writhing around, except not as sexual as it could be. Brother smothers of Humble Ministries was the last man to get tossed, which avoided a pretty awkward situation of them facing ministry associates Bad Religion in round one. In the end, it’s the Big Bois who are getting fed into that meat grinder.

MATCH #4: Taco Belle defeated Zelda Lucabrasi in 12:30 with Suplex Belgrande

Nerd Rating: 74% ⭐⭐

Zelda was the breakout star of the title tournament, but kinda looked like she fell back to Earth in this one. The weird part is that Belle may have not even had her head in this one, after a weirdly tense moment with a Taco Belfry brand representative, about fifteen minutes before bell time…

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!

THE SCENE: TACO BELLE is stretching in preparation for her match, when a well-dressed man in an expensive suit, with a white box under his arm approaches.

T.B. REPRESENTATIVE: Excuse me, Miss Bakshi.

TACO BELLE: Yes? …Uhh, wait, you know my real name?

T.B. REP: I’m a representative from Taco Belfry Incorporated, ma’am.

BELLE: Ohh, okay. Sorry, it’s just that, you know, people around here call me Belle or something. I mean, it’s not like I’m a masked wrestler with a secret identity or anything, it’s just considered a courtesy, I guess.

T.B. REP: Mr. Belfry has asked me to give you this, Miss Bakshi.

(He hands her the box, and she starts to open it)

BELLE: Oh thank you, I guess, but… Uhh… What is this?

T.B. REP: Your new ring attire.

(BELLE holds it up and looks confused)

BELLE: Okay… Uhh… where’s the rest of it?

T.B REP: I think he intends for you to use the same boots and keepads.

BELLE: No, no, I mean… Uhh… Well.. It’s just…. It’s kinda skimpy.

T.B. REP: As a contractor of Taco Belfry Inc., if you have issues with your new uniform, you do reserve the right to lodge a complaint with Mr. Belfry. But I wouldn’t recommend it.

BELLE: I… Okay. This is… Great. Just great.

T.B. REP: Excellent. Good day to you, Miss Bakshi.

(BELLE slumps down on a bench and stares dejectedly at her new ring gear, then sighs and heads back to the women’s locker room)

MATCH #5: Froggy Terry defeated Radical Jeremy in 13:38 with the Frog Leg Remover

Nerd Rating: 82% ⭐⭐⭐

Jeremy came in looking resplendent in his (inexplicably) brand new Rude Dog t-shirt, but this was Terry’s day. No word on how Jeremy’s girlfriend is taking his loss, mainly because she lives in Canada, and that’s why you’ve never met her.

MATCH # 6: WILD CARD CHALLENGE BATTLE ROYAL #2: Buff Orpington defeated Sister Dobalina, Raoul Kemp, skull Mayday, and 8 Others to put The Fighting Cocks in the tag title tournament

Nerd Rating: 78% ⭐⭐1/2 ⭐

After putting in an impressive showing in a hardcore title match with The Korn Demon a few weeks back, Orpington came through big here again and got The Cocks into the dance. Sister Dobalina (sister Barb Dobalina) was the final elimination, meaning Humble Ministries were two eliminations away from stealing the #1 seed, and another fun part was Skull Mayday making the elimination on Garfield Vanzetti. sure is strange how much he looks like Skip. We should get them together someday, and I bet they’ll have a good laugh over it.

MATCH #7: Tucker Schertz defeated Marioluigi Lucabrasi in 8:58 with the Rear Fully-Clothed Choke –

Nerd Rating: 61% ⭐

Tucker Schertz has been quietly nigh-unstoppable in his time here, but no one seems to remember, because as that 61% rating shows, he’s boring as shit. I can’t think of anything else to say, which bodes well for a theoretical future Schertz title reign. God help us all.

MATCH #8: No Police Involvement Title OPEN CHALLENGE: Tony Unity defeated Uncle Smelly in 22:34 with a Deep Impact DDT in a streetfight to retain –

Nerd Rating: 91% ⭐⭐⭐⭐

So Tony Unity announced an open challenge for the title, and the challenger ended up being an EWX guy, as in one of his employees. That’s some bullshit right there, if you ask me. Anyway, if his plan was to get an easy title defense, it backfired spectacularly, because Smelly brought his A-game, at least as much game as a dude named “Uncle Smelly” would be capable of bringing. This was an absolute fucking bloodbath, and Unity was lucky to escape with his life, and even luckier to keep his belt. Still though, if he pulls this shit again, we’re gonna have words.

MATCH #8: Immortan Jimmy defeated Rodimus Primo in 11:10 with S.O.S. to become the NEW Tri-State World Cruiserweight Champion

Nerd Rating: 84% ⭐⭐⭐

I guess it was inevitable. Jimmy decided to wake up from a 9-year coma in the name of regaining the Cruiserweight Championship, and he made his second attempt count. Still, even though Rodimus goes down without a single successful title defense, he displayed the heart of a champion when he sustained a pretty nasty-looking back injury on a Rolling Thunder from Jimmy, and still came about a tenth of a millisecond away from winning, moments later. We still don’t know the full extent of his injuries, and he was up and walking around after the show, but he looked like he was in a shitload of pain. Either way, I wouldn’t expect to see him back in the ring for at least a few shows, and maybe the rest of the non-tour. But rest assured, he’ll get a shot at regaining the belt pretty quick after he returns. Meanwhile, i know it’s useless to try and talk any kind of sense into Jimmy, but there was no call for him pulling out a staple gun the way he did. Of course, it backfired spectacularly, and he managed to split his head open on the thing and spray blood around the entire goddamn county, but I doubt that’ll stop him from doing things like that in the future. The man makes poor choices.

TALES OF THE FULLY-VISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!

IMMORTAN JIMMY: AHH-HAHAHA! DESTINY! My destiny unfolds, and it rolls up and unfolds again! You gotta iron the goddamn thing, baby!

(He throws the title belt into the air, and then headbutts a wall, reopening the cut on his forehead before catching it behind his back. for the rest of the promo, he is just absolutly gushing blood everywhere)

JIMMY: JIMMY IS ETERNAL! AND JIMMY IS THE CHAMPION! JIMMY IS THE ETERNAL CHAMPION! Remember it, then fail to understand it, then study it and remember it all over again for the first time, baby! An object at rest – stop if you’ve heard this one before – An object at rest cannot be stopped! And an object in motion? IT NEVER FUCKING RESTS! AHH-HAHAHAHAHAHA! WE’RE GOIN’ TO SIZZLER, BITCHES!

NEXT TIME: A recap of house Show #26, which I originally intended to put at the end of this post, but that’s a lotta typing.