It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and now half the roster is out injured. Check out the show here if you haven’t already. (I’m guesing you haven’t?) and then come back to read about why your opinion was wrong.
MATCH #1: Doodlebug & Strauss defeated the Harbingers in 13:30 when Strauss hit Doom with a Tornado DDT
Nerd Rating: 67% ⭐ 1/2⭐
This was the first time we’ve seen the boys from Grim Holler in a while, and this… Well, it was a wrestling match. Yup. sure wrestled it up out there. Yeah, this sucked. It was weird, too, because normally the Harbingers are all about double-teams, but there was never a moment when a wrestler ran in to help his opponent, almost as though all our lives are a lie that exists in some dork’s head and this match was part of some computer simulation, where the dork had forgotten to change the cut play setting. But that would be crazy, wouldn’t it?
MATCH #2: Soccer Ninja defeated Carrie Shipley in 28:34 with a Pele Kick (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 94% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
The Hoss Dojo Second Class is starting to trickle in as the O.G.s graduate, with the ranks now being joined by Shipley, who is basically a disgruntled postal worker, the kind we made fun of in the 1990s, while still expecting our Priority Mail in two days. Anyway, this match was an absolute war, with these two just beating the shit out of each other almost to the time limit, until Ninja finally just legit knocked Shipley the fuck out. Match of the night, and while it’s only been ten days, technically the match of the year so far. Considering that this was her first match, Shipley has a bright future, so long as her brain unscrambles properly.
MATCH #3: Jackson Victory defeated Agent Fang in 11:25 with a package German suplex
Nerd Rating: 75% ⭐⭐1/2⭐
This was about 2.5 on 1 for most of the match, (35 interfered a lot, but Bulldog kept it professional, which seems weird for the forces of evil, but that’s just how she is) but somehow Victory pulled it out and got the… You know… Victory. Apparently, the President was not happy after this match, particularly with 35 after he distracted Gus right before Fang went for a pin that could have won the match. Hopefully for both of their sakes, they get over it before their upcoming match with Ace La Grange & El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine. Eh, who am I kidding, fuck both those guys, go Ace.
MATCH #4 Tucker Schertz defeated Gummo Nakamura in 25:42 by KO when Gummo failed to stand after a 10 count
Nerd Rating: 74% ⭐⭐
This was a clash of styles, where Tucker is a strangely boring technician who always wears a shirt, and Gummo is a crafty brawler who should probably consider wearing a shirt. It eventually went off the rails, as it always does, when Gummo starting stabbing Tucker and hitting him with assorted bits of plunder, but Tucker toughed it out, and after a Complete Shot face first into a light tube, Gummo went down and never came back up. Say what you will about the guy, but Tucker has beaten pretty much everyone he’s come up against and quietly become a top contender for that championship that we don’t actually have.
TALES OF THE INVISBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(GUMMO NAKAMURA stumbles into the backstage area, bleeding and coughing profusely, which understandable alarms the wrestlers gathered there, who all slowly back away, due to plagues and whatnot)
GUMMO: Son of a bitch! (coughs) I breathed in the dust!
PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES: Okay there, just calm down, hon, it’s gonna be okay.
GUMMO: Okay? OKAY!? (coughs) That shit gives ya cancer, Pam! I got frickin’ cancer now!
PAM: Don’t be silly, Gummo, you’re gonna be fine. You do not have cancer.
GUMMO: Don’t you tell me I ain’t frickin’ cancer! I could have tumors everywhere! (coughs) Just riddled with the little motherfuckers!
PAM: Oh Gummo, that isn’t how cancer works. It grows gradually over time and then eats away at your organs, slowly.
GUMMO: Oh, well… (coughs) That’s a relief, I guess.
PAM: Uhhh… Okay, if you say so, hon.
GUMMO: Listen, Pam. (coughs) You’re a good person. I like you. I just need to ask one favor of you.
PAM: Okay, I’m always eager to help!
GUMMO: Pam… If I get the cancer… If I die… Please… I want you to take my ashes and throw them in that shirt-wearin’ cocksucker’s face.
PAM: (wide-eyed look of bewilderment)
GUMMO: Please, Pam… (coughs) As a friend.
PAM: I guess, uhhh… Well… O-Okay?
GUMMO: Thank you, Pam. This really means a lot to me, and I really owe you a favor, (coughs) I mean that.
PAM: You’re… Welcome?
GUMMO: Yeah… anyway, I gotta go take a dump. You take it easy.
MATCH #5: Kazushi Maeda defeated William Nilly in 16:23 with a diving enzuigiri
Nerd Rating: 79% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This was a pretty horrifying matchup, with a 30 year veteran and perennial contender for any singles title available to him against a guy wearing flesh-colored tights who had never wrestled before. Nilly tried really hard to make it an actual fight, but Maeda was clearly toying with the kid, and he never got more than a one-count, even though the match went over 15 minutes. I’d start to worry that Kaz was missing a step, but he might find out I said that and strangle me in my office.
MATCH #6: The Turd Boyz defeated the Masked Instigators in 4:12 when Turd #2A hit instigator 5 with the Brown Cobra
Nerd Rating: 58% DUD
Ah, hell. Johnny San Diego is back. For those of you who don’t know, he was a manager and total scumbag for years back in the TSWA and the early days of STRUGGLE Pro, until he had some legal issues and ran off to Belize or some shit. Anyway, he’s apparently managing the Turds now, and they’re doing one of those “new look, new attitude” deals. It remains to be seen whether or not that’ll push them to the next level though, as they were wrestling the Instigators, and I’m reasonably sure my grandma could whip them in a handicap match, and she’s been dead for years.
POST-MATCH WITH THE VISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
JOHNNY SAN DIEGO: Ladies and gentlemen, some of you may not know me, but the ones that do can never forget me. My name is First Class Johnny San Diego, and I am the manager of champions. And these two men behind me are the first members of the New First Class Family, the Turd Boyz. And make a note of it today: With my strategy, my expertise, and my impeccable style, I will polish these two Turds into championship material!
TURD #2A: That’s right, Johnny! And Big Bois! We’re putting you on notice! You may be the tag team champs today, but sooner or later, you’re gonna have to step into the ring with the Turd Boyz! And Treat Boy! Chungus! When we step into that squared circle, we are gonna beat the crap into you!
TURD #2: BIG BOIS! We are gonna wipe the mat with you and flush you outta this company, after we take those belts! SIGNIFY!
MATCH #7: Stormy Knight defeated Toshiyo Nakano in 11:55 with the Multivortex Arm Breaker (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 79% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Hanging out with bizarre punk rock stoner hillbillies has seemed to really effect Nakano, as she showed up for this one in jeans and a t-shirt as opposed to her usual, more traditional gear. It wasn’t the greatest debut for a new look though, as Stormy just went absolutely medieval on her at the end of this one, locking in that crazy double armbar for the win. Also, she seemed to put a lot more torque on it than usual, and I’m not a doctor, but arms aren’t supposed to bend that way, and Nakano might be out for a while.
POST-MATCH WITH THE VISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
MURRAY STADANKOWICZ: Stormy, if I can get a moment of your time – The fans were really voicing their disapproval after your match tonight, and some have suggested that you intentionally injured your opponent. What do you say to these accusations?
STORMY KNIGHT: They’re right. I did.
MURRAY: But according to- Wait, did you just admit to intentionally injuring Toshiyo Nakano!?
STORMY: Yes I did, Murray, and here’s why: It’s because this promotion is stuck in the past, and the only way for me to get anywhere is to start taking out all these damn legacy hires.
MURRAY: “Legacy hires?”
STORMY: Think about it. Who are the wrestlers this company promotes the hardest? The ones in the main events, the ones on the posters, the ones with all the merchandise? If it’s not one of the senior citizens who worked here ten years ago – and drove the company to bankruptcy – it’s their worthless family members. Their idiot sons, their worthless daughters, and their useless cousins. Half the goddamn roster wouldn’t be here without their last name! The Grims, the Groznys, the Big Bird punk, that Duda runt. I’m the best wrestler in this division, and if you’re going to tell me that I’m stuck on the B-shows like this, to make room for people like Yumiko La Grange’s loser cousin? What other choice do I have but to take her out?
MURRAY: But that just really seems like a gross violation of-
STORMY: Fuck her, Murray. Fuck them all. And for the record, I’m not the only one who feels this way.
MURRAY: Well, uhh… So there you have it folks, strong words from- Uh oh.
(JEZEBEL GRIM approaches and she looks completely pissed)
STORMY: …And speaking of worthless legacy hires, hello Jezebel.
JEZEBEL GRIM: You got a fuckin’ problem!? You wanna try and break someone’s arm, why don’t you try one of mine, motherfucker! If you think I can’t kick your skinny ass just because of who my daddy is, why don’t we find out right fuckin’ now!
(STORMY starts laughing, then breaks eye contact, reaches out and starts feeling JEZEBEL’S right arm. It is honestly kind of creepy)
STORMY: You know, it’s kind of amazing that even with all the time you spend working on your meth lab and attending weekly inbreeder hootenannies, you still find time to hit the gym. One or two of these arms would look really nice in my collection.
(JEZEBEL gets absolutely super-pissed, like she’s about to start swinging, and STORMY just laughs)
STORMY: Heh. See you real soon, hillbilly.
MATCH #8 – STREET FIGHT: Screaming Rage Man defeated Pitbull Van Scorpio in 17:58 with a double powerbomb/DVD combo (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 75% ⭐⭐1/2⭐
Good lord, I don’t know what to say. Ever since he came back from losing the deathmatch tournament via explosion, Rage Man has been on an absolute path of destruction. The closing moments of this match were one of the most horrifying things I’ve ever seen in wrestling, and I’m pretty sure PVS is going to be out of action for a very, very long time, if he ever manages to come back from this at all. Not to be overly dramatic, but somebody’s gotta stop this guy, or at least slow him down somehow.
MATCH #9: Manchoma the Randy Savage defeated Big Baby Lucifer in 7:24 by countout
Nerd Rating: 62% ⭐
This was some bullshit right here. Next match.
MATCH #10: Hapsburg Raytheon VI defeated Marioluigi Lucabrasi in 8:58 with The Job Creator
Nerd Rating: 73% ⭐⭐
Ugh, I hate him so much, but he just keeps winning. Someday it’ll happen; he’ll get his ass kicked and we’ll all finally be free. How long must I wait? How long, O Lord, will the wicked prosper?
MATCH #11: Tyrannosaurus Plex defeated Reverend Freakout in 9:35 with the Extinction Level Event (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
I guess we finally answered the age old question of “if the largest land predator the world has ever known manged to grow arms of a useful size, could he whip a middle-aged acid casualty?” I kid, I kid. Ah, we do have our fun, though. Freakout didn’t have fun though, as he got repeatedly pummeled by a giant-ass man who finally knocked him out cold with a suplex. Or hell, who knows, maybe he did have fun. He’s a really weird dude.