COOL ZONE #4 CARD

Rodimus Primo vs. Tupac Machine

This is Primo’s first match since losing the title to Immortan Jimmy and Tupac’s first since tapping out to Zippity Duda at a house show. Needless to say, both guys are desperate for a win, and this should be good.

Humble Ministries vs. The 46 Defenders

Due to the screwed up nature of the tag tournament, there are a lot of teams with strong claims to being number one contender, such as these two. The Defenders got eliminated via a time limit draw and a double-countout and the Ministry came within two battle royal eliminations of not only getting into the tournament, but bypassing the first round. Also, HOSSSSS FIIIIGHT.

Stormy Knight vs. Jezebel Grim

Stormy has embarked on some sort of crusade against all of STRUGGLE’s 40 year olds and wrestlers who broke in via familial ties, and Jezebel (a third-generation wrestler, for the record) is just pissed that Stormy broke her tag team partner’s arm.

Skull Mayday vs. Garfield Vanzetti

Vanzetti still has this strange and nonsensical notion that Skull Mayday is actually Skip Legday in a clever disguise. He demanded this match, which doesn’t seem very wise on his part, as there’s a decent chance that not-Skip tears his arms off and beats him with them. But then again, no one ever accused Garfield of being a mental giant.

CRUISERWEIGHY CHAMPIONSHIP: Immortan Jimmy (c) vs. Jackson Victory

Jimmy has looked Ike an unstoppable juggernaut as of late, but Jackson has looked impressive as hell in recent house shows. Only time will tell whether apparent immortality and all the advantages that come with it can overcome the raw power of The Jacksons’ classic 1986 album.

Big Bird Machine vs. Agent 35

Bird’s back after suffering a brutal attack at the hands of the Evil Administration following his appearance at Warrior Pro’s Warriorversary II show. And while the seemingly eternal rivalry between him and his former protégé President Evil is the marquee matchup, 35 was particularly brutal in the aforementioned incident, and he ends up first on the revenge tour. This could get ugly.

WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP: PARTY TIGER (c) vs. Pam From Human Resources

So last time around, TIGER and Pam were tag partners against a desperate former champion and her English-challenged partner. In that match, Pam absorbed a pretty savage beating from Yumiko La Grange that freed TIGER up to get the pin on Crawdad Hoshino. And TIGER hasn’t forgotten that, so she granted Pam a title shot in gratitude, which could end up filed under “things that backfired horribly” once this is over.

TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: BIG BOI SEASON (c) vs. Team Twizzy

Hey, speaking of screwy finishes from the tag tournament, here’s a rematch of the final. And this time around, there will be no time limits and no count outs, so whoever wins will get to erase the asterisk from the list of champions. It’s the power of darkness vs. the power of dark meat chicken.

NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP OPEN CHALLENGE BARBED WIRE MATCH: Tony Unity (c) vs. ???

So for some reason, Tony Unity has decided that this match isn’t actually going to take place alongside the rest of the show, and will instead emanate from the EWX/Unity United Records Wrestlebasement, and be broadcast to the Twitch stream via satellite. Of course “via satellite” is a dubious claim, and I doubt EXW has sent up any goddamn rockets lately, but I guess “via Wi-Fi” doesn’t sound as cool. But something about this whole situation stinks, and considering how the last few “open challenges’ have gone, I think that little bastard is up to something.

NEWS, NOTES, ETC.

HOSS DOJO FACILITY COMPLETE

The fourth stop on the COOL ZONE tour will actually be something tour-like, as it will take place at the brand new Hoss Dojo facility. The building is located just off the highway between the old Walmart and Grim Holler. Old Ross Gracie is really proud of the new building, which features such state-of-the-art amenities as an exercise bike, indoor plumbing, a dirt floor, and a vintage poster of Emmitt Smith for inspiration to the trainees.

WAR PARTY 2021 ANNOUNCED

One of the more popular events from the old days returns, as WAR PARTY 2021 has officially been scheduled as the big blow-off to the current tour. If you weren’t around before the bankruptcy, it’s a show built around teams of four (or more, but we’re easing back into it with four this time) wrestlers apiece competing in sort of an elimination gauntlet match style thing, like some sort of series of matches that they have to survive.  A series of survival, if you will. Anyway, it’s roughly 100% likely that the main even will involve Big Bird Machine and The Evil Administration somehow, but we’ll see when we get there. Also, as is customary for a super-show of this caliber, all titles will be defended.

LOCAL WEATHER WITH STORMY KNIGHT!

(THE SCENE: VELVEETA DREAM and VIRGINIA SLAMS are joined in progress, having been inserted into a virtual news studio via chroma key, an effect that had to have taken tens of dollars to pull off.)

VELVEETA DREAM: …and due to the lingering radiation, the mayor estimates a potential death toll in the thousands.

VIRGINIA SLAMS: (says something completely unintelligible, due to the toll an almost psychotic smoking habit has taken on her vocal cords, but is apparently amusing somehow)

DREAM: That sounds like a sticky situation if you ask me, Virginia!

(They both enjoy a hearty laugh, with VIRGINIA sounding like some kind of horror monster in the process)

DREAM: And now let’s go to Stormy Knight with the weekend forecast!

STORMY KNIGHT: Thanks, Dream! Taking a look at the Tri-State Area weather map, it looks like pretty bleak weather is headed our way once more. Out behind the 7-11 where PARTY TIGER just woke up, it’s going to be a wet one, as she just pissed her pants again! If we took a look down here at the La Grange residence, it looks like old Yumiko – and I do mean old – is going to be psychotic with a 100% chance of clinical depression! Now, if we check out the STRUGGLE News Storm Tracker, I’ve got some pretty bad news for the residents of Grim Holler. Looks like a 50% chance of Asperger’s for Junior, and Lorelei remains fat with a chance of inbreeding. And as for Jezebel? It looks like there’s a storm coming.

(her whole tone changes from perky weather girl to one of utter malevolence)

STORMY: This area of low pressure is an indicator that I’m going to beat your ass easily, so remember to take shelter immediately, possibly by not even bothering to show up. Remember, this is potentially a very dangerous storm, with the chance for extreme property damage. This may include uprooted trees, overturned vehicles, and severe structural damage, including broken arms.

(she switches back into meteorologist mode)

STORMY: So have a great weekend! And I’ll see you soon.