A week late, but you ain’t paying for this shit. I think I’ve used that sentence as an intro before. anyway, the full show is over here, and the report is after the jump.
MATCH #1: Deandra Stroyer squashed Congolia Dondelinger in 1:26 with a chokeslam
Nerd Rating: 59% DUD
As far as I can remember, this may have been the former power lifter’s first match in front of a crowd, and it was a shit-kicking for the ages. This was over before it started.
MATCH #2: Big Dick Fuchs (now managed by Johnny San Diego) defeated Ugly, Stupid Bob in 10:56 with the GTR
Nerd Rating: 79% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
The First Class Family expands, now including a Big Dick to go with two Turds. I hate that sentence so much. Anyway, ol’ Bob ain’t shit, but Fuchs has been almost winning for so long that he needed a match like this to maybe start a trend toward non-losing.
MATCH #3: Bad Religion defeated Reverse Racism in 28:43 when Mayhem hit JEFF with a crucifix powerbomb
Nerd Rating: 87% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
After being the overwhelming favorite in the tag title tournament, and then shitting the bed in the first round and picking up their first loss, the Bads got back on track here. That being said, the RRs looked good here too, and despite the bloodbath that always results in a Bad Religion match, they almost picked up the win several times here. I need to start getting the ring crew to stop stashing all those damn staplers under the ring. what have they been stapling anyway?
MATCH #4: Cobra Nightraven defeated Zippity Duda in 11:22 with a moonsault
Nerd Rating: 77% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
If there’s been one thing consistent about Zip’s performances, it’s how maddeningly inconsistent they are. One week, he’s making Tupac Machine tap out, then the next week, he’s gasping for air while a tag team specialist just sort of cruises past him. That boy ain’t right, if you ask me.
MATCH #5: Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti defeated Phantom Rocker in 16:56 with a diving lungblower
Nerd Rating; 91% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Well, I expected a horror show to play out in the Bad Religion match, but this came out of nowhere. Pretty early on, Rocker was just pouring blood out of her mask, and judging by some of her problems with consonant sounds after the match, it looks like a broken nose. Then, if that wasn’t enough, she got whipped into the ref at one point, and Brown Shoes got up all bloody. In the end, the ring looked like a chainsaw fight had taken place, and it kind if overshadowed what had been a really good normal-ass match otherwise.
POST-MATCH WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE PHANTOM ROCKER enters the backstage area, holding a bloody towel over the general nose area of her mask. DONITA ZAPATA is waiting, grinning from ear to ear)
DONITA: Oh darn, Lita! Looks like you’ve got a bit of a problem there! Congratulations on the loss, by the way.
ROCKER: That’s dot fuddy. I think she broke my dose.
DONITA: (Barely holding back laughter) What was that? I didn’t quite understand you.
ROCKER: Banzeddi broke my dose. Dis really hurts.
DONITA: Hahahahahah, what was that again?
ROCKER: My DOSE, goddabbit! I broke my fuggin’ dose!
DONITA: Ohhhhh, you broke your nooooose. That’s a real shame. Welp, you better get that checked out. Anyway think I’m gonna go to that candle store in the mall and just wander around and smell things. So many wonderful fragrances. Love to smell them, yes I do.
ROCKER: Fugg you.
After that, it was time for a brief commercial break. Go watch them here, and maybe make us a few fractions of a cent. You know you want to. also, I head Annihilation is coming, you guys.
MATCH #6: Hapsburg Raytheon VI defeated Radical Jeremy in 20:29 with a diving European uppercut
Nerd Rating: 91% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
He… He just keeps winning. It never stops. And I hate him. I hate him so much. Meanwhile, this started out as a massacre, with HR6 just tossing poor Jeremy around like a ragdoll, but damned if he didn’t eventually make this a match. Maybe he should just gain a few pounds and leave the cruiserweight division. Then again, Raytheon absolutely destroyed him in the finish of this one, so maybe not.
MATCH #7: Yumiko La Grange defeated Soccer Ninja in 16:25 with a heel hook
Nerd Rating: 83% ⭐⭐⭐
This one got wild, with two masters of just kicking the shit out of people just kicking the shit out of each other. But one of the two was a rookie and the other is the veteran who trained her, and one used her hands while the other tried not to. Eventually, YLG pulled away in this one, but wasn’t able to get a three, even after a shitload of knees to the face, so she just said “screw it” and twisted the poor girls’ knee the wrong way. That’s why you gotta use your hands sometimes, you see.
MATCH #8: The Coke Brothers defeated the Grozny Twins in 20:41 when Ricky hit Dimitri with the Miami Roll
Nerd Rating 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
COCAINE IS BACK, BABY! Even though Ross is still fighting with one working eye, the Cokes got the win against the two impressive young Russians. (although now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure they were actually born here, which makes the heavy accents sort of strange, so maybe I should just sop thinking about things. Just smile and nod, yes.) It’s a shame that the weirdness of the tournament muddled up the tag rankings so much, because the Cokes really have every right to be top contenders, all things considered. As for the Groznys, well, I’ve always said that they’d be better of as a singles, but they’re twins, you know, and twins are creepy and weird like that.