The next-to-last stop on the road to WAR PARTY 2021 is in the books, and it got kind of wild. Once again, this is where I’d love to embed the video, but Twitch broke the world, so just CLICK THE LINK and go there. Then come back for the readings.
DARK MATCH: Broccolord squashed William Nilly in 5:23 with the Broccolock
NERD RATING: 63% ⭐
Oh good, exactly what we need, another fuckin’ maniac. Also, there was a broccoli guy in this match.
MATCH #1: Rodimus Primo defeated Tupac Machine in 8:25 with the Planeta Retorcido Press
NERD RATING: 77% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Starting to wonder if the years are finally taking a toll on Tupac Machine (he hade his pro debut on September 14, 1996), as he’s quickly gone from unbeatable to something of a losing streak. Meanwhile, Primo is coming off a trios victory at Lucha Fanatastico, and ran circles around the vet. The protector of Ciudad Autobot is making a strong case for a cruiserweight title rematch.
MATCH #2: The 46 Defenders defeated Humble Ministries in 29:44 When Walter hit Smothers with the O’Bradovich
NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Oh man. The Defenders had to deal with THE DAMN NUMBERS GAME quite a bit here, with both Sister Candy and the good Doctor Reverend at ringside, and it really looked like the Ministry was going to escape with at least a draw here. But god damn, Walter Grabowski hit the LAST SECOND FIELD GOAL with an O’Bradovich tackle for the three count with seconds remaining, and I’m pretty sure that’s the first loss for Brother Smothers and Sister Dobalina (Sister Barb Dobalina). First five-star match we’ve had in a long time. (although they’re all five stars in our hearts) Da… Bears?
MATCH #3: Stormy Knight and Jezebel Grim was a 30 Minute Time Limit DRAW
NERD RATING: 93% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
This one got absolutely wild, with Stormy eating multiple Steel Gold Stunners and even hitting one of her own at one point. You could tell Jezebel had Stormy off her game, as she never actually started working the arm en route to the Multivortex Arm Breaker, but nothing she did could keep Stormy down. In the end, even with another Stunner hit as time expired, nothing was enough to score a pin, and this one ends in a tie.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: Absolutely nothing having been settled in the ring, tensions are high backstage, and a brawl nearly breaks out between STORMY KNIGHT, with her lackeys VIRGINA SLAMS and VELVEETA DREAM and JEZEBEL GRIM, joined by her tag team partner TOSHIYO NAKANO and her older sister LORELEI GRIM. Finally enough wrestlers get between them (and to her credit, LORELEI seemed more intent on preventing extracurricular violence than causing it) to calm things down, but only slightly)
LORELEI: Alright y’all, knock it off!
STORMY: Oh look, what a big surprise! You couldn’t beat me, so now you’re hiding behind your big sister! Which I guess isn’t very hard to do, all things considered.
JEZEBEL: Oh fuck you, Stormy! I had your ass, and you know it, you little bitch!
LORELEI: Jezebel, you watch your mouth! And Stormy, you had best watch what you say, too!
STORMY: Oh? Or what, fatass!? You’ll sit on me?
VIRGINIA: (says something completely unintelligible, but it was apparently cruel and inappropriate as all hell, as all three members of Team Stormy start laughing)
LORELEI: (quietly, to VIRGINIA) I got no idea what you just said, but I’m pretty sure you just took years off your life, little girl.
(VIRGINIA takes a step back and gets very quiet for the rest of the festivities)
STORMY: Jezebel, do you and your little one-armed tag partner think “She Hulk: The Country Years” here really scares me? (looks directly at TOSHIYO) Her bones break just as easily as this loser’s bones did. So you go find yourself another partner. Go grab your little sister Captain Asperger’s. Or what the hell? Go find Yumiko and see if her middle-aged ass can take enough time off from dying alone to join your team. And we’ll see you at War Party.
JEZEBEL: You’re on, firecrotch.
STORMY: Heh. Then you’re even stupider than you look.
(The three members of Team Stormy start to turn and leave, but they make it maybe ten feet before suddenly finding themselves face-to-face with the aforementioned YUMIKO LA GRANGE, who looks even more pissed-off than usual)
STORMY: Oh look, speak of the sad, pathetic Devil.
YUMIKO: You… Keep saying my name. I was going to ignore you, just as I always have, because you have never warranted the attention. And you know, honestly? I had no plans of getting involved. My cousin is a big girl, and she can take care of herself. And Jezebel and the rest of those rednecks? I do not even like them. But. You. Keep. Saying. My. Fucking. Name. You have involved me.
STORMY: Yeah, well I can break your arm, just like I broke-
(YUMIKO steps closer, until she is basically nose-to-nose with STORMY, a move which actually seems to make STORMY seem ever-so-slightly nervous)
YUMIKO: You can try. And you can keep making your little jokes about my age or whatever else comes to your tiny little mind. But it will not save you. You can come for my arms, but it might cost you a couple of knees.
(VIRGINIA and VELVEETA step forward like they’re about to do something, but YUMIKO just smiles at them)
YUMIKO: You two would not be so quick to defend her if you truly realized what she has done to you. Now go find a fourth partner for War Party and tell her how fucked she is.
(TEAM STORMY just stands there quietly contemplating what just happened, as YUMIKO turns and walks toward the exit. Both JEZEBEL and LORELEI look extremely upset at the prospect of having YUMIKO on their team, with LORELEI in particular looking like she’s about to fight YUMIKO herself. Meanwhile, poor TOSHIYO just has to sit there awkwardly not making eye contact with anyone.)
MATCH #4: Garfield Vanzetti vs. Skull Mayday was a NO CONTEST when Vanzetti just kind of peaced out.
NERD RATING: 68% ⭐ 1/2⭐
Well, that happened. A few minutes in, not-Skip hits a vertical suplex that sends Garfield tumbling out of the ring, and then Garfield just… Leaves. He just walked smooth the hell out. It was weird, it wasn’t even like he was getting his ass handed to him. It was actually a pretty even fight up to that point. Strangely, the ratings nerds liked this more than the dark match.
POST-MATCH WITH THE VISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: In front of the little promo backdrop thingy that totally exists, a confused MURRAY STADANKOWICZ tries to get some answers from GARFIELD VANZETTI)
MURRAY: Excuse me, Mister Vanzetti? If I may ask, what just happened out there? Why did you just leave the arena?
GARFIELD: Murray, as a a patriotic American, I had to do the right thing. Because as I have stated many times, that person whom you gullible people keep calling “Skull Mayday” is clearly Skip Legday. And if you recall, I bravely and patriotically took out a restraining order against both him and Captain STRUGGLE to protect the good people in that audience from their rampant communist tendencies. And while I am – again – both a patriot and a warrior for America, I am a man of great compassion.
MURRAY: Compassion?
GARFIELD: Yes, compassion. That’s what I said, try to keep up. And you see, as a superior competitor, it would be nothing for me to just use my advanced tactical training in advanced tactical combat tactics to decimate this so-called “Skull” and unmask him to the world. But out of compassion, I chose to sacrifice that match, because exposing Skip under these circumstances would lead only to his arrest. And the good Lord only knows how many illegitimate welfare babies would go hungry with him rightfully behind bars. He will, of course, eventually be incarcerated, but only when the time is ripe.
MURRAY: But how do you know that’s Skip Legday? Do you have any evidence?
GARFIELD: Evidence? Murray? Are you on drugs, or are you just stupid?
MURRAY: Well, I’m certainly not on drugs, sir.
MATCH #5: Immortan Jimmy defeated Jackson Victory in 8:59 with the Coffin Drop to retain the STRUGGLE Tri-State World Cruiserweight Championship
NERD RATING: 89% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Jimmy can’t be stopped, basically. At some point, he just went nuts (moreso than usual) and just started raining undeath from above with multiple Coffin Drops and even multiple Double-Lotation Moonsaults, which Victory somehow kicked out of, to his credit. I guess the nine years of bed rest were good for ol’ Jimmy.
We pause for a commercial break, and I hope you guys buy some products and services, because I’m pretty sure that one ad is gonna put our Twitch account in jeopardy.
MATCH #6: Big Bird defeated Agent 35 in (time unknown) with a big boot to the face
NERD RATING: (no official rating)
Well, once again, that happened. Bird had taken particular issue with Agent 35 after his role in the post-match beating he took at Warriorversary last year, and he specifically requested a no-DQ match with the little bastard. And 35 put up a fight, but this ended about how we all expected with Bird hitting a pair of powerbombs and a One-Winged Canary outside the ring, then putting him away once they got back inside.
The real story was after the match, when all of a sudden Tyrannosaurus Plex appeared and pretty much destroyed Big Bird Machine, suplexing him multiple times, including one particularly horrifying chickenwing suplex that led to Bird having to be helped out of the arena. T-Plex then went on a rampage after the cameras cut away, seemingly not particularly happy with what just went down, taking out the time keeper’s table and sending the Match Ratings Nerds scrambling. (hence no official time or rating for the match) Either way, it’s become apparent that he’s aligned himself with the Evil Administration, which is a scary, scary thought.
BACKSTAGE WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: A raging TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX bursts through the backstage curtain, and is immediately greeted by manager MANNY DIAZ, and behind him, the full EVIL ADMINISTRATION: PRESIDENT EVIL, AGENT BULLDOG, AGENT FANG, and AGENT 35, who is absolutely soaked in his own blood and looking like he might fall over at any second. Against his better judgment and any concept of common sense, DIAZ runs forward and gives the Suplex Tyrant a huge hug)
DIAZ: You did it! I knew I could count on you, boy!
T-PLEX: (grunts)
DIAZ: That was great! The big, yellow bastard never saw what hit him!
T-PLEX (seemingly disgusted) …BECAUSE I ATTACK HIM FROM BEHIND.
DIAZ: Haha, yeah! Like I said, it was great!
(PRESIDENT EVIL steps forward and starts looking T-PLEX up and down. T-PLEX’s eyes narrow and his mouth curls into a sneer, still obviously not a big fan of the Prez. Unfazed, EVIL just quietly chuckles.)
EVIL: Heh. If you were thinking about getting cold feet, the time for it would’ve been before you hit the arena, Captain Caveman. You passed the point of no return the second Bird’s skull bounced off the mat. Besides, I think your boy here already got you a red and black singlet. You belong to me now.
DIAZ: Dammit, that was gonna be a surprise!
(T-PLEX just straight-up growls, like for real)
EVIL: That being said, I didn’t think you’d really go through with it. And I gotta say, you did a helluva number on the big, yellow sack of shit. If there was an initiation, I’d say you passed. BULLDOG!
BULLDOG: Sir?
EVIL: Call my tailor, and see if you can get Grimlock here in for a measurement, ASAP. If he’s gonna run with us, we’re not doing this satin jacket bullshit.
AGENT 35: Hey, pardon me for saying anything here, your fuckin’ highness, but you know, if you guys had this planned out all along, maybe he coulda hit the ring before I got my ass kicked out there.
EVIL: Your complaint is noted, and in the future, perhaps I will endeavor to better coordinate the timing of the Administration’s actions. But by the same token, maybe you could’ve tried actually winning the match instead. Nutsack.
TALES OF A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: BIG BIRD MACHINE broods on a locker room bench, holding an ice pack against the back of his neck. Meanwhile, theoretical partners EL HIJO DEL BIG BIRD MACHINE and ACE LA GRANGE try to figure out what happens next)
ACE: I tell you what brother, this is messed up! T-Plex, man… Doing something like that, brother, that ain’t his style! I bet it was that little weasel Diaz, brother. I ain’t trusted him since that time when I was a rookie and he tried to give me a $23 payoff when we had sold out the SCS. “Low attendance,” my ass, brother…
EL HIJO: But damn dude, what can we do now? I mean, before tonight, if you told me that Evil had a secret weapon, T-Plex woulda been the guy I tried to get to go against him! Shit’s fucked, Holmes!
ACE: I dunno, brother. I mean, I guess there’s that Hogarth guy. He seems like a solid dude, but brother, I dunno. Way he’s been tearing through people, I dunno if he’d be able to do much against Plex, brother.
EL HIJO: Yeah, I guess he might work. Or we could see if that Winthorp dude is interested. I mean, he seems to stick to that weird lil’ mumble rap dude like a Siamese twin, but it’s worth a try.
(BIG BIRD MACHINE stands up and pulls out his phone)
ACE: He’d be a good guy to have, brother, but brother, I really don’t know if-
BIRD: Quiet!
(ACE and EL HIJO shut up and become very curious about who he’s calling)
BIRD: (to the phone) Hey. It’s Bird… Yeah… Yeah… So, you still interested in that rematch?… Okay… So how badly are you interested?
MATCH #7: PARTY TIGER defeated Pam From Human Resources in 13:52 with Hold My Beer to retain the STRUGGLE Tri-State World Women’s Championship
NERD RATING: 90% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
TIGER hasn’t been much of a fighting champion, spending a lot of time teaming up with Ross Coke in COKE PARTY rather than defending the belt, but now that Ricky’s back and their makeshift team is dissolved, she’s proven that the tournament win wasn’t a fluke. The real question now is who will be the next challenger, as a lot of the top contenders seem to be tied up in War Party-related situations. Perhaps a battle royal? Perhaps not? Who knows.
MATCH #8: Team Twizzy defeated BIG BOI SEASON in 21:13 when Cobra Nightraven hit El Grande Chungus with a Cobra STUN to become the NEW STRUGGLE Tri-State World Tag Team Champions
NERD RATING: 83% ⭐⭐⭐
Welp. The BOIs fought valiantly, but their miracle run, going from 8th seed to tournament winners, ends with no successful title defenses, and the weird mall goth kids now have at least one more reason to not jump off the roof. We’re already making inquiries into the possibility of releasing a limited edition pair of commemorative JNCOs. Sadly, it feels like half of this match is missing from the stream due to internet issues, and it turns out that the new ring crew guy (who I summarily shitcanned after the show) was using one of the empty rooms in the back for some sort of hybrid bitcoin-mining/illegally-sketchy anime porn-streaming operation. The good news here is that the company should manage to make a tidy Ebay profit on a whole heap of gently-used NVidia GeForce 2060s that we recently… Found.
MATCH #9 – BARBED WIRE DEATHMATCH OPEN CHALLENGE: Screaming Rage Man defeated Tony Unity in 18:29 with a powerbomb to become the NEW STRUGGLE No Police Involvement Champion
NERD RATING: 93% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Wow. So we join Unity in the ring “via satellite” in the EWX Wrestlebasement, and he starts talking some weird bullshit that started to give me the strangest feeling that he was about to toss our belt in the trash and raise up his own. I mean, of course, he would never consider doing such a thing, at least as long as ammunition is relatively inexpensive. Haha, just kidding. Parody and satire. Seriously, Tony, we are going to fucking have words about this very soon. But anyway, he gets cut off by creepy red lights, Slayer’s “Angel of Death,” and the apparent acceptance of his open challenge by our own Screaming Rage Man. And this… God damn. These two just went nuts on each other, and if that wasn’t enough, some fucking idiot threw two chainsaws into the ring before the bell, and before long, human beings were being fucking chainsawed. This was one of the most godforsaken matches I’ve ever seen, and as Rage Man might be the most godforsaken man I’ve ever seen, he picks up the win and the title.
POST-MATCH WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(A bloody and battered TONY UNITY is helped to the back by a concerned LIL’ CHUCKY UNITY, where he immediately collpases onto a conveniently-placed couch)
CHUCKY: Aw jeez, Tony, you want me to call an ambulance or something? You’re bleedin’ real bad.
TONY: Nah, forget that man, I’m fuckin’ hardcore.
CHUCKY: You are hardcore, Tony, completely hardcore. Just like, you know… That’s a lotta blood… On that couch. That white couch.
TONY: I just wanna know who the FUCK put those fuckin’ chainsaws in the ring! Tried to get me fuckin’ killed out there!
(Assorted ring crew guys and backstage employees start looking back and forth at each other nervously, then all hastily leave the backstage area, some bumping into each other in the process)
CHUCKY: Uhh, I dunno Tony, but I really think we need to get you to a doctor or something.
TONY: I told you already, I’m fuckin’ hardcore! But like… Charles, can you look at something for me? Like…. Does this look bad?
(TONY sits up, turns his back to CHUCKY and pulls the back of his shirt up. The Invisible Backstage Camera doesn’t get a look at what’s going on back there, but CHUCKY’s eyes get huge, all the color drains out of his face, and he immediately makes the sign of the cross, having been freshly and completely traumatized. TONY gets a look at his face and starts to look concerned for the first time.)
TONY: So… Uhh… You know what’s also hardcore? Ambulances.