Hey, watch the show, will ya?
MATCH #1: The Rockin’ Rocksmen defeated the Harbingers in 27:02 by DQ when Doom was a fucking idiot
NERD RATING: 91% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Well, I uhh… Hell, I don’t know what happened here. This was a nice little back-and-forth contest, and then all of a sudden, Harbinger Doom just kinda stands on the top turnbuckle and keeps yelling “WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM” until the 5-count gets him. Has that ever happened before? Has anyone ever been as stupid as the Harbingers before? I don’t know!
MATCH #2: Buzz McClanahan defeated The Gentrificator ion 19:08 with the Altitude Adjustment
NERD RATING: 95% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
For two Hoss Dojo trainees in their debut, this was a helluva match. In the end, the space captain came out on top of the insufferable hipster, which is a sentence I just typed.
MATCH #3: Crawdad Hoshino defeated Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti in 7:24 with a Stardust Press
NERD RATING: 77% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Well, this was weird. Roughly one nanosecond into the match, poor Brown Shoes got knocked out (again!) and stayed down for pretty much the duration of the match, popping up just in time for the final three count. Meanwhile, it really felt like Crawdad beat Patience at least three times in that span, and it was much more of an ass-stomping than the 7 minute match time shows. Of course, rumor has it that MOSES brass wants their wrestlers back soon, so of course it’s the perfect time for Crawdad to become a world beater and for Toshiyo Nakano to get involved in a high-level feud.
MATCH #4: Kazushi Maeda defeated Churd Grunson in 4:57 with the Brutal Cyclone
NERD RATING: 76% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
At one point in this match, Kaz yelled “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU,” and he followed it up by repeatedly kicking poor little Churd in the top of his head until he probably lost two inches of spine. That’s how this one went, basically.
MATCH #5: Them Mook Boys defeated Bad Religion in 21:05 when Lance Mook bulldogged Father Mayhem
NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
I did not see this coming. When the suggestion was made that the Dojo trainees could potentially wrestle main roster talent, them Mook Boys requested the toughest team we could find, and I’m not gonna lie, putting them in there against the Bads was intended as kind of a lesson in humility. Instead, they stomped right up to a team that had literally only lost one match in their STRUGGLE career and handed them loss number two. And man, not to compare this promotion to a prison, but damned if they didn’t walk right up to the biggest dog in the yard and pop him right in the mouth. The Bads seemed off their game all night, to the point where the bloodthirstiest team in the whole territory only stabbed a guy once, and it didn’t break the skin.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: The defeated BAD RELIGION staggers backstage, and is immediately greeted by DOCTOR REVEREND BILLY WAYNE HUMBLE, and even with his big-ass sunglasses, the most smug look of “I told you so” is readily apparent.)
HUMBLE: Oh. Hi there. So… Lost to the rookies there, eh?
FATHER MAYHEM: Yeah? So what’s it to you!?
HUMBLE: Well, you know… Just sayin’, it probably would’ve served you two boys well to, you know… Have multiple people at ringside to help… Expedite things.
RABBI SPIKE: Oh yeah? Well, where the hell were you, then!?
HUMBLE: Oh, you know… Around. Wearing white, as everyone conducting Ministry business tends to do…
SPIKE: Seriously, this again!?
HUMBLE: You want the perks and privileges of an association with Humble Ministries, LLC, you’re gonna have to actually associate with us.
MAYHEM: Come on! We’re BAD Religion! We wear black!
HUMBLE: Suit yourself, then. Guess I’ll just have to find me another couple of fellas of upstanding moral character to help me minister to this limousine full of troubled young ladies out here.
MAYHEM: God damn it.
HUMBLE: You know, I noticed the Cokes had sweet new duds last time out… Wouldn’t even have to pay for new gear, like I already did with you two.
SPIKE: Well, you know, it is well before Labor Day…
HUMBLE: That’s my boy.
MATCH #6: Stormy Knight squashed Patty Bobatty in 2:11 with the Multivortex Arm Breaker
NERD RATING: 71% ⭐⭐
Welp, statement made. After the match, Patty seemed to be in a lot of pain, but the local doctors refuse to treat jobbers, which is pretty fucked up, if you ask me.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY STADANKOWICZ!
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve just seen a dominant display from Stormy Knight, and Stormy, can I have a quick word?
STORMY: No.
MURRAY: Oh… I… Uhhh… Well you know, you walked past the interview area and all, I just figured…
STORMY: Maybe instead of bothering me, you should send someone out there to check on that loser writhing around in my ring. She seems to be a bit… (turns directly toward the camera with an evil grin) Under the weather. Haaa-hahahahahahahaha!
MURRAY: Well, uhh… So there you it, folks! I guess…
COMMERCIAL BREAK – Living rooms. Bedrooms. Dinettes. Oh yeah!
MATCH #7: Black Panther Mask defeated Hapsburg Raytheon VI in 22:04 with the Modified Jumping Knee Kick
NERD RATING: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
I’m so goddamn happy right now. This is the only true sport.
MATCH #8: Virginia Slams defeated Toshiyo Nakano in 17:05 with a moonsault
NERD RATING: 99% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Nakano came back well ahead of schedule after Stormy broke her arm a few shows back, and she was clearly looking to make a statement here. She flew out of the gate, hitting big moves early, and even seemed to have an aggressive new arsenal of holds, laying siege to Virginia’s legs the entire time. But wrestling is a sport, rather than some sort of scripted sports-entertainment thing, so shit happens sometimes, and Virginia weathered the storm, so to speak, and picked up the W.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: A despondent TOSHIYO NAKANO laments her loss, while theoretical WAR PARTY 2021 teammates LORELEI and JEZEBEL GRIM make some attempt at consolation)
LORELEI: Aw come on now, honey, it’s your first match back, you were gonna be a little rusty.
TOSHIYO: Yeah, well… Have fun explaining to my cousin…
LORELEI: I’m sure she’ll understand.
(TOSHIYO and JEZEBEL both shoot a look at LORELEI)
LORELEI: Well, you know… She’ll be better about it than if it was one of us, at least.
JEZEBEL: I mean, shit, she at least likes you, kinda.
TOSHIYO: Right. So after she get done yelling at me, she’ll show up an hour later and blame it on ex-husband somehow again, and think that make it okay.
JEZEBEL: Look, we’ll deal with that when we need to. Right now, we just gotta get past this match and – Oh, just god damn it…
(YUMIKO LA GRANGE walks up, and she looks piiiiissed offfff, you guys)
YLG: What the fuck was that!? How the fuck do you lose to a woman with the lung capacity of a fucking hamster!?
LORELEI: Yumiko, now is not the time for this.
YLG: I do not remember fucking asking you, Lorelei.
LORELEI: Excuse me!?
YLG: You heard me! You see, this is why those assholes are going to beat us! Because you are all fine with losing!
LORELEI: You listen here! I… Just… You know what? I can’t say what I’m thinking right now, because I don’t use that sort of language! And I’m done with this! If I have to put up with this… This…. This… B-I-T-C-H… always carrying on on like this, I’m out! I’m done.
JEZEBEL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! You can’t just quit the team now!
LORELEI: Yeah, well, that’s what I’m doing! You two have fun with her!
YLG: We never needed you anyway!
(LORELEI stomps off into the distance, while TOSHIYO watches with a pained look and JEZEBEL looks like she’s about to fight a motherfucker)
YLG: Well, now that the team lost about 320 pounds of dead weight, you two need to get your shit together, and-
TOSHIYO: What is wrong with you!?
YLG: …What?
TOSHIYO: You always treat us like dirt, scream at us, curse at us! And no one ask you to be here! You not join team, you took it over! You come in act like leader! But you’re no leader! You’re a…. What was that word?
JEZEBEL: (staring a whole directly through YUMIKO) A cunt, Toshiyo.
TOSHIYO: Right! You are being a cunt! And I am sick of it!
(YUMIKO just looks silently shocked, as TOSHIYO finally just grabs her bags and leaves)
JEZEBEL: Wow. Great work there, Fearless Leader. Now I gotta try and smooth shit over with everybody, so I don’t end up having to fight four fuckin’ people by myself. Fantastic fuckin’ work, Bravo.
YLG: Jezebel, you listen to-
JEZEBEL: I don’t care! You hear me!? I don’t give a flyin’ fuck what you have to say! You’re not the leader of the team! You were never even asked to join the fuckin’ team! You just swooped in and declared yourself boss, like some kinda goddamn God’s gift to pro wrestling. Like I’m supposed to just roll over and accept your bullshit, because you won some titles when I was a fuckin’ teenager! Well you obviously haven’t noticed, but you ain’t won shit lately!
YLG: Look, I-I-
JEZEBEL: I what!? It’s always fuckin’ “I,” isn’t it? Because everything’s about you, isn’t it? Our shit doesn’t matter, because the Golden Anointed One is here! It doesn’t matter that Stormy keeps going on about me and my family being inbred rednecks, it doesn’t matter that she keeps calling Lorelei fat, or keeps cracking jokes about Junior’s fuckin’ brain! Not to mention that she intentionally broke Toshiyo’s arm – your fuckin’ cousin, your flesh and fuckin’ blood – and that doesn’t matter to you, either! All because what? She called you old!? News flash, motherfucker, YOU. ARE. OLD. It fuckin’ happens! But no, the world’s gotta stop for everybody else, because everything’s about you and your fuckin’ hangups, and we’re all supposed to give you a pass, because your life sucks. Well, goddammit, your life sucks over shit from ten fuckin’ years ago, and if it’s still that way, then motherfucker, at this point, it’s probably on you! This is why people still took Ace’s side after he fucked you over! This is why nobody fuckin’ wants you around! Just… Just… Argh, FUUUCK!
(A completely furious JEZEBEL turns around and walks out of the arena through the back door, slamming it behind her. In shock, YUMIKO sits down on a bench and tries to reckon with what just happened. She hears something, then looks to her right to see MAYONNAISE BOY sitting next to her, preparing to take a bite from what appears to be a large bratwurst in a hoagie roll. It is unclear how long he has been there.)
MAYO BOY: Mmm. A rough night, I see. But perhaps I could cheer you up by offering you a mouthful of my thick, juicy sausage?
YUMIKO: (Despondently staring at the floor) No thank you.
MAYO BOY: Ah, well. Your loss.
(YUMIKO slumps forward with her face in her hands, while MAYO BOY goes to town on the bratwurst, dripping grease and mustard and shit everywhere)
MATCH #9: Crash Ferrari defeated Manchoma the Randy Savage in 10:11 with a Phoenix Splash
NERD RATING: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Officially, this was just a match between two of our top young talents in the heavyweight division. Extremely unofficially, this was a grudge match between two men who share the, uhh… Close friendship of Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti. Allegedly. Yeah. Anyway, this was shaping up to be a pretty intense match, (I mean, the ratings nerds gave it a 96) but then it ended pretty abruptly, when Crash hit a Phoenix splash. So abruptly, in fact, that we decided to add a “bonus” main event, after the crowd was kind if like “wait, that was it?”
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here with Crash Ferrari, who we all just witnessed scoring an exciting victory against Manchoma! So exciting, in fact, that STRUGGLE management has announced a special bonus main event match!
CRASH: What!?
MURRAY: Yes, they’ve announced a match between Reverse Racism and the Coke Brothers, set to take place momentarily!
CRASH: Well, they can do whatever they want, but the people all know that I, Crash Ferrari, am the real main event!
MURRAY: But there’s another match.
CRASH: And I don’t care!
(In the background, near the exit, PATIENCE HALLIBURTON-VANZETTI can be seen, tapping her foot impatiently)
CRASH: …Because no matter who goes out there last, all these people know that I am what brought them here! I am the greatest athlete in professional wrestling, and I represent the future of this business!
(PATIENCE rolls her eyes and kind of waves her hand in the universal “wrap it up” gesture)
CRASH: And honestly, I feel bad for whatever losers they send out there, because no one can follow me! I am single-handedly the greatest show on Earth!
(In the background, MANCHOMA THE RANDY SAVAGE calmly walks up and starts chatting up PATIENCE)
MURRAY: Bolds words from STRUGGLE’s own High-performance Athlete! But what’s next for you after this huge victory, Crash?
CRASH: What’s next for Crash Ferrari? Money, fame, prestige, and championship gold!
(MANCHOMA puts an arm around PATIENCE and the two leave together)
MURRAY: Well, but of course, we don’t actually.. Have… A heavyweight title at the moment…
UNCLE ABDUL: (From off-camera) Dammit, Murray, don’t mention that in the promos!
MURRAY: Oh! Uhhh, well, I, uhhh…
ABDUL: Just end the segment!
MURRAY: So there you have it, folks! I guess.
CRASH: (looking around) Hey… Has anyone seen… Wait a second… (his eyes narrow and he balls up both his fists) You win the round, Manchoma…
MURRAY: What?
CRASH: Uhh, nothing! End the segment, stupid!
(the scene abruptly cuts out)
MATCH #10: The Coke Brothers defeated Reverse Racism in 22:32 when Ross hit JEFF with a Falcon Arrow
NERD RATING: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Reverse Racism has earned kind of an unfortunate reputation around here lately, namely that they always have incredible matches that they never, ever win. So guess what happened here? The Cokes and the RRs basically tore whatever was left of the house down, (seriously, this show may have been an all-timer for match quality) and then Ross hit a Falcon Arrow deep in Coke territory, too close to their corner for Minh to get there in time. For a couple of fucking idiots, The Cokes have mastered the craft of tag team wrestling. With all due respect to current champs Team Twizzy, there’s a very good chance that these two will be wearing gold sooner than later.
EPILOGUE WITH THE INVISIBLE OUTDOOR CAMERA!
(Having basically imploded Team Jezebel with her bullshit on a night where she wasn’t even booked, an utterly miserable YUMIKO LA GRANGE exits the building. She pauses before entering her car , takes a look back at the building, then sighs and silently wonders how any of this could get any worse. She soon receives her answer by suddenly hearing rapid footsteps approaching, then turning her head directly into what felt an awful lot like a baseball bat to the side of the face, because that’s exactly what it was. She falls immediately, as one does in these situations, and the onslaught continues as blows rain down across her back and ribs, suddenly interrupted at the sound of a familiarly gruff voice. PRESIDENT fucking EVIL…)
EVIL: Hey hey hey hey, whoa, what are you doing!? You’ll knock her out of the match! If you’re gonna aim for the head, don’t use the fuckin’ bat, dummy!
AGENT BULLDOG: So you would advise finesse in this situation, sir?
EVIL: Right, finesse, if that’s what you wanna call it.
(YUMIKO looks up just in time for AGENT BULLDOG to catch her with a stiff kick right in the mouth. YUMIKO hits the ground hard, coughing and choking, before finally spitting out a bloody tooth.)
EVIL: Heyyyy, now that’s good finesse, if you ask me!
BULLDOG: Thank you, sir.
EVIL: At ease, soldier. (turning back toward YUMIKO) Hey there! Ya still with us?
YUMIKO: (weakly) Fuck you, Evil.
EVIL: There you are! Super great! Hey, so listen. I just gotta tell ya, there’s been a pretty severe oversight on my part, and I really feel as though I must make amends! You remember a while back, when I smashed your ex-husband’s neck to bits? You remember him, the guy who you still basically support like a broken shelter dog, even though he spent basically your entire marriage finding newer and more exciting ways to fuck people who weren’t you? That guy! Good ol’ Ace! But yeah, anyway, it was the whole thing, you see, “one down, one to go.” We made a t-shirt and everything! Sold like hotcakes! Anywho, there was that whole unpleasantness at Warriorversary and what-have-you, and hey, super-duper! Got ’em both! But wouldn’t you know it? Silly me, it’s like my wife says, I’d forget my own head if it wasn’t screwed on! Turns out, our little crew back in the day had four people in it! Oopsy toodles! Completely slipped my mind! Of course, in the grand scheme of things, you were basically just Ace’s valet and not really in integral part of the team or whatever, but that’s neither here nor there. The point here is, I feel awful – just awful! – about the whole thing, you see? So consider this an apology!
(YUMIKO drags herself back to the car and sits up, leaning her back against it. She looks up again and sees that PRESIDENT EVIL and the baseball bat-wielding AGENT BULLDOG have been joined by theoretical WAR PARTY 2021 opposing team captain STORMY KNIGHT, who is grinning from ear to ear.)
STORMY: Soooo… Yumiko… My dear, sweet, ancient Yumiko… What was that you told me a while back? Oh right, this is the point where I’m supposed to tell the fourth member of the team how fucked she is, right? Yeeeeah. Sorry, but I don’t think I can do that. Heh.
BULLDOG: So…. How does your head feel, Mrs. La Grange.
YUMIKO: Miss. It’s fucking Miss.
BULLDOG: Sorry, but I never miss, Ma’am.
(Another vicious boot to the face from BULLDOG slams YUMIKO’s head against the side of the car, knocking her smooth the fuck out.)
STORMY: Wow, that was actually a really good line.
BULLDOG: I learned from the best, Miss Knight.
EVIL: Awww, you’re gonna make me blush over here.
POST-EPILOGUE EPILOGUE WITH THE INVISIBLE OUTDOOR CAMERA!
(Some time later, YUMIKO remains in the parking lot, now just completely laid out on the ground next to the car. She is fully conscious and has physically recovered to a point where she could get up and leave whenever, but has just kind of chosen not to. It’s been that kind of night. Eventually, she is approached by the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn’s resident, uhhh.. Resident? PARKING LOT DUVAL, who walks up with his arms draped in bags from the local dollar store and nearly trips over the prone former champion.)
DUVAL: Whoa! I’m sorry, Miss La Grange, I didn’t see you there and – Holy Jesus, what the hell happened to you!?
(At this point, YUMIKO’s voice is one of complete and utter defeat. Think of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, except like if Eeyore was a lady donkey and had just enough of an accent to let you know he’s not from around here. She never even attempts eye contact.)
YUMIKO: Oh. Karma, probably.
DUVAL: Oh, uhhh, ooookay… But like… Do you need help? Should I call somebody? Do you need an ambulance or something?
YUMIKO: Ehh.
DUVAL: But… But that’s a lot of blood! Is anything broken? Can you stand up? Is… Is that a tooth!?
YUMIKO: Hmph. What does it matter?
DUVAL: But… You know… It’s just, you’re on the ground, and all… Bleeding… Roght there… On the ground…
YUMIKO: I feel like this is where I need to be. Like this is just where I belong…
DUVAL: Ohhhh maaan…. This is a “more mental than physical” thing, isn’t it?
YUMIKO: Physical is a wreck right now… But yeah, pretty much.
DUVAL: Oh… Uhh… Well, do you want to like… Talk about it or something?
YUMIKO: Nope.
DUVAL: Well, I can’t just leave you and all, I dunno….
(DUVAL starts to rummage through his dollar store bags)
DUVAL: Well…. Would you like a Pop Tart?
YUMIKO: Flavor?
DUVAL: Strawberry. Frosted.
YUMIKO: That might be nice, actually.
DUVAL: Okay, great! So do you want a whole pouch, or do you just want one?
(YUMIKO just sighs sadly)
DUVAL: Yyyyeah, that’s gonna need at least two. Look, I’m just gonna set these here, next to your head, okay.
(YUMIKO nods)
DUVAL: Seriously though, if you need help getting up or if you start to feel like, I dunno, like something’s been ruptured or something, just yell, I’m like five cars down from here. I mean, I don’t have a working vehicle, but my license is valid, and uhh… You really want me to leave, don’t you?
YUMIKO: Yup. Thank you for the Pop Tarts, though.
DUVAL: You’re welcome? Anyway, I’m gonna go… Over here. You, uhh… You have a nice night?
YUMIKO: You too.