STRUGGLE Pro kicked off 2022 in a pretty wild show that literally took place in a strip club and featured blood and betrayal. WATCH IT, WILL YA? Then scroll down and/or click the “read more” link and find out how to feel about it.
DARK MATCH 1: Them Mook Boys (Roy & Lance Mook, Hoss Dojo) defeated The Lads (Patrick O’Connell & Adewale O’Koye, Freelance) in 16:10 when Roy hit O’Connell with the Hazardous Legdrop
NERD RATING: 78% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
The Lads are a couple of freelancers from Ireland (although I strongly suspect that O’Koye fellow might be from elsewhere, possibly Scotland) who are looking to catch on somewhere in the Tri-State Area, and the Mooks are the married couple that everyone thinks are brothers, who look ready for the main roster, except for when they don’t. This was a pretty solid but unspectacular back-and0forth that ended with the Mook Boys victorious.
DARK MATCH 2: Gummo Nakamura defeated William Nilly (Hoss Dojo) in 14:39 with a DDT
NERD RATING: 87% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Gummo really wanted to wrestle on the inaugural show for his home venue, but really needed to get back to the back for managerial duties, so he was in a dark match. He basically whipped the shit out of this weirdo, but the crowd loved it, because they inexplicably love Gummo.
DARK MATCH 3: Miss Paine (Freelance) defeated Deadly Nightshade (Hoss Dojo) in 7:22 with a Sickle Hold
NERD RATING: 73% ⭐⭐
Miss Paine is a local substitute teacher who has been sneakily moonlighting as a wrestler outside the TSA, mainly to avoid having her 13 year old students see her in her underwear. And with some pretty fucked-up additions to the local schoolboard leading to draconian budget cuts, heavy curriculum censorship, and a statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest being built outside the local middle school, she’s decided that fighting people for a living was a safer vocation. And god damn, I wish we could get out from under our current financial bullshit, because she looked impressive as hell, and it’s going to hurt when someone else signs her before we can afford to.
ANOTHER PERFECT YEAR
MATCH 1: Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble defeated Marioluigi Lucabrasi via heavily-assisted countout in 7:45
NERD RATING: 66% ⭐ 1/2⭐
Welp. Humble made sure he would win this by just tossing Marioluigi outside and having the Ministry whomp on his ass until the 20 count. Just a bullshit, garbage can match. Not sure why Gus didn’t DQ Humble for this, but then again, he is at least 78% dead at this point. Not deaf, dead.
MATCH 2: Big Dick Fuchs defeated Bucko Clambake in 14:34 with Big Dick Energy
NERD RATING: 78% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This match lasted almost 15 minutes, but it was 5 in spirit. Big Dick just whipped that poor man’s ass, just toying with him, and it was awful. I think he spent more time taunting the crowd than wrestling, Johnny San Diego got involved at one point, but I’m not sure why.
MATCH 3: Zelda Lucabrasi defeated The Phantom Rocker in 13:44 with When the Moonsault Hits Your Eye
NERD RATING: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This went about how you’d expect, where these two flew around the ring at a million miles an hour until someone jumped from a great height on top of the other one. Zelda just keeps showing flashes of being a top competitor, and if she can ever keep it up consistently, she’s going to be a real problem. As for the Rocker, it’s the age old story, where she’s an absolutely insane competitor, but there’s just not much oomph behind getting hit by someone who weights like 35 pounds.
MATCH 4: Skip Legday defeated Doug Graves in 35:34 with the Press Gainmaker
NERD RATING: 94% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
This was a pretty epic battle, where Graves was trying to make a case for a singles run and Skip was the big dog trying to run off the little dog who pissed on his favorite fence post. Graves tried to make it his kind of fight early, bringing out the weaponry, but it only resulted in a mishap that had him gushing blood for most of the match. In the end, even with Cobra Nightraven intervening and Captain STRUGGLE honoring Skip’s wishes to stay out of this one, the Human Bench Press Machine was just too much to overcome, and basically lariated Graves to the land of shadows.
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY STADANKOWICZ: Ladies and Gentlemen, with me at this time are the members of Team Twizzy, and Doug, that had to be a disappointing loss for you.
DOUG GRAVES: Well, fuckin’, ya know Murray, that was like, fuckin’, ya know, I really tried to like, fuckin’ pull out all the stops there, and you know, fuckin’, Skip just wouldn’t stay down, cause, like, fuckin’, ya know, he’s fuckin’ big as hell, ya know?
MURRAY: Uhh, yes, I suppose he is preyy f- I mean, a large man. What did you think- uh oh-
(ZELDA LUCABRASI enters the frame, absentmindedly working to remove her elbow pads, while not looking where she’s going, and just slams into COBRA NIGHTRAVEN, nearly knocking them both over.)
ZELDA: Oh! I’m-a so sorry, I did not-a see you-a there.
COBRA: (absolutely expressionless and monotone, as is his way) Like… whatever. We’re all gonna die someday.
ZELDA: Ah, well-a you know, I just so sorry, and I…. I…
(Without warning, and much to MURRAY and DOUG’s shock, ZELDA and COBRA just start furiously making out. Somehow, COBRA’s expression never changes)
MURRAY: My goodness!
DOUG: Whoa, god damn, dude!
(suddenly, ZELDA’s brother MARIOLUIGI appears and angrily pulls his sister away)
MARIOLUIGI: HEY! You take-a you filthy hands off-a my baby sister!
COBRA: Like, you know… whatever, dude.
(MARIOLUIGI grabs ZELDA by the arm and attempts to drag her away)
MARIOLUIGI: what is-a wrong with you!? I leave you alone for-a two second, and you’s-a try to make amore with these-a Juggalos!
ZELDA: No! You not-a understand! He’s-a not-a Juggalo, he’s a goth! And we are in-a love!
MARIOLUIGI: Goth!? I know-a the Juggalo when I see one! If it-a walk like a Juggalo, and it-a quack like a Jaggalo, and it-a go “whoop whoop” like a Juggalo, then it is-a the Juggalo! I forbid-a this clown love!
DOUG: (quietly, to basically no one) Fuckin’… I did kinda like Riddle Box, I guess…
ZELDA: You always-a try to tell me what to do! I say-a no more! You not-a our father! I’m-a gonna be a goth now! And I love-a this man, and we’s-a gonna get married and have lots-a the babies! And I hate you!
COBRA: Wait, what?
(ZELDA grabs a very confused COBRA by the arm and leads him away, leaving MURRAY, DOUG, and MARIOLUIGI in a very awkward situation)
DOUG: (Dejectedly) Man, like… fuckin’…. I tried to get that Jezebel chick’s number once, and straight-up called me a little bitch, meanwhile, fuckin’, Cobra’s got chicks throwin’ the pussy at him. Fuck, dude.
(MARIOLUIGI just furiously glares at DOUG)
DOUG: Welp, fuckin’… Uhhh… anyway, my names Bennett, and I ain’t in it, so, uhhh, like, fuckin’ good luck with all this, dude.
(DOUG hurries away, while MARIOLUIGI fumes)
MARIOLUIGI: That’s-a no good, boss!
MATCH 5A: President Evil defeated Parking Lot Duval via Countout in 3:59
NERD RATING: 66% ⭐ 1/2⭐
God dammit. The Prez used the same plan Humble had earlier in the night, with Agents Fang and 35 along with First Lady Evil laying an ass-kicking on Duval outside until the 20 count. I wasn’t going to let this happen twice in one night, so the Administration was booted from the ringisde area, and the match was restarted. And welp…
MATCH 5B: President Evil defeated Parking Lot Duval in 7:20 via Countout
NERD RATING: 69% (nice) ⭐ 1/2⭐
This.. Happened. I would guess that President Evil responded to the restart by intentionally winning by countout just to be a dick, but I wouldn’t have to guess, because he admitted it openly.
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here with-oof!
(PRESIDENT EVIL snatches away the microphone and shoves MURRAY over a kneeling AGENT 35, schoolyard style, sending him tumbling out of frame. 35 gives the Prez a big thumbs-up and exits the frame)
PRESIDENT EVIL: Hahahah! did you people see that shit? “Oh no, you had too much interference, we’re gonna kick everyone out and restart the match, so it doesn’t happen again!” And then what happened!? Hahaha, don’t you people see that you’re all just like little ants in my world, waiting to be stomped at my leisure? I go where I want, I do what I want, and I destroy whoever I want to destroy! You know why? Because Iit’s my world, and you’re all just living in it, that’s why! I am the inevitability that hangs over all your miserable lives. And never, ever forget that. I am President fucking Evil! And Evil… Always… Wins.
MATCH 6: Annihilation (Ax Hawk & Animal Smasher) defeated The Masked Instigators in 12:34 when Ax Hawk hit Not Bucko Clambake with a deadlift powerbomb
NERD RATING: 82% ⭐⭐⭐
You might be asking how we could be able to afford one of the hottest free agent tag teams around, and the short answer is… We can’t. I mean, we could at the time when we signed them, but then lawsuits happened, and fuck, I dunno. They’ve got a door-percentage deal, so we’ll just play it by ear for now. Anyway, they just utterly destroyed these two losers, with one of the damnedest things I’ve ever seen taking place, where Ax Hawk not only gorilla pressed the Instigator who slightly resembles Bucko Clambake, but he also then proceeded to toss his ass out of the ring onto the guardrail. Frankly, I’m shocked that he survived that. These two men are going to be big, big trouble for basically everyone else from now on.
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY (SORT OF)
(with MURRAY apparently suffering an undisclosed injury, it cuts to the two monstrous members of Annihilation, AX HAWK and ANIMAL SMASHER, passing the microphone back and forth)
AX HAWK: Bear witness! What you saw was just a small sample of what Annihilation can do! We are the new alpha dogs in this tag division, and I don’t care who knows it! Reapers! Executives! Bad Religion! Cokes! The clock is ticking! Inform them, Smasher!
ANIMAL SMASHER: All the other teams out there, listen up! You’re gettin’ put on notice, right here, right now! Your days are numbered! This is our territory now, and you’re facing, ahhh… Help me out here, Ax.
AX: Extinction?
SMASHER: nah, that’s not it.
AX: Obsolescence?
SMASHER: Doesn’t feel right.
AX: Elimination?
SMASHER: no, no, no, that’s all wrong. Wait, I got it! You’re all facing-
BOTH: COMPLETE ANNIHILATION!
MATCH 7 – STREETFIGHT: Screaming Rage Man defeated Business Clown in 55:35 with the Rage-Plex
NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Like is always the case when Rage Man wrestles, everyone who saw this match lost part of their soul today. This was just a solid hour, bell to bell, of unspeakable violence. I saw that sea of blood in the ring, and God was not there. What God would allow a man like Screaming Rage Man to exist, or a fucked up clown to trade blows (and stabs) with him? Fuck, I need to rethink my life.
COMMERCIAL BREAK WHILE WE MOPPED UP THE BLOOD
MATCH 8: Black Panther Mask defeated Hapsburg Raytheon VI in 17:11 with the Revolution Armbar
NERD RATING: 94% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Black Panther Mask improves his record against HR6 to 3-0, and he is for real, and he is the hero we need and deserve in this godforsaken world. I think some part of my soul that the previous match killed was revived after this one, but only briefly.
MATCH 9 – 2 OUT OF 3 FALLS: Becky (with the Awful Hair defeated PARTY TIGER in 2 straight falls, (14:03, Bad Hair Day and 23:11 also with Bad Hair Day) to become a TWO-TIME STRUGGLE WOMEN’S CHAMPION
NERD RATINGS: 98% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐ and 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2 ⭐
What the hell is that woman thinking? Becky looked like a world-beater out there, and seemed well on her way to reclaiming the belt, but deep into the second fall, President Evil’s Secret Evil Service flooded the ring, and just whomped TIGER’s ass until Brown shoes finally restored order. While TIGER fought valiantly from there on out, the rest was academic, and with Becky being greeted backstage by First Lady Evil and the rest of the Administration, it looks like the bad guys now control both active singles titles in STRUGGLE Pro.
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Wow, ladies and gentleman, I’m here with the new champ, and I can’t believe what we just saw! You can’t really be getting involved with the Evil Administration!
BECKY: (never making eye contact, holding the title belt and staring at it the entire time) Do you know what it’s like, Murray? To finally make it to the the top, to finally get a taste – just a taste – of the gold, and to have it ripped out of your hands? Do you!? NO! And you never will! When I lost this title – MY title – I swore that I’d do anything to get it back. (She finally looks up from the belt, with an absolutely wild-eyed look) ANYTHING. I’d do anything to win, Murray… and you know it, I know it, and all those people out there know it… Evil always wins.
(FIRST LADY EVIL enters the fame, smiling diabolically, and puts her arm around BECKY’s shoulder, causing BECKY to eye her cautiously and pull the championship belt away slightly, before calming down somewhat)
FIRST LADY EVIL: Welcome to the family, champ. Hahahahahahaha….
POST-SHOW WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA
(After the interview ends, BECKY walks back toward the locker room, staring at the belt the entire time, ignoring congratulations and attempted high-fives from AGENT FANG and AGENT 35, as well as being eyed nervously by AGENT BULLDOG, previously conspicuous by his absence, PRESIDENT EVIL walks up to FIRST LADY EVIL, seeming more confused than celebratory)
EVIL: Uhhh… Can I have a word with you… Away from the henchmen?
FIRST LADY: Yeah, just a second… (toward the henchman) HEY! Get the fuck outta here!
(35 and FANG kind of shrug and leave, and BULLDOG eyes the First Lady suspiciously, then joins the others in fucking off to god-knows-where)
FIRST LADY: So, what’s up?
EVIL: Why was I not consulted in this?
FIRST LADY: Oh god, I figured this would happen…
EVIL: What?
FIRST LADY: This is about your little dog, isn’t it?
EVIL: ….
FIRST LADY: Look, babe, she’s just not cutting it, you know that. She ate shit in the title tournament, she shat the bed at War Party, and she was the weak link in the tag team with Fang. And we can’t have weakness in this Administration.
EVIL: I know that, but she’s got potential, you can’t deny that! When it comes to wrestling evil, she’s a prodigy. Like pulling out the cattle prod when we invaded Warrior Pro, or bringing the baseball bat to beat up Yumiko – Those were her ideas, not mine. And she was this close to getting Stormy to join us.
FIRST LADY: She didn’t, though, did she?
EVIL: …
FIRST LADY: Look, I get it. You’ve always had this weird “cool evil dad” thing going with her and Fang. But it’s been two years. Two years of losing. And Becky wins. And winning is what we do. It’s on the fucking t-shirt.
EVIL: I know, but… Bulldog stays.
FIRST LADY: (sighs) Fine. If you need your little gofer, she stays. For now. But Becky is the champ, and she’s going to be the one who represents us in the women’s division from here on out. Look, let’s not fight about this. We control the only two singles titles in this shithole promotion now.
EVIL: (nodding) …So now, we just need a tag team.
MEANWHILE…
(PARTY TIGER enters the backstage area through the curtain, walking with a slight limp, nursing a bloody nose, and rubbing a seemingly injured neck. Normally, she’s drunkenly exuberant even in defeat, but this time, she seems different. She seems fucking pissed. The usual crew of backstage employees and loitering wrestlers backstage look on with concern, and even fear.)
PARTY TIGER: Motherfucker! I can’t- (hiccups) I can’t believe this shit…
PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES: Uhh, Tiger? Are-are you okay, hon?
(TIGER seems to ignore PAM, and violently drags a cooler out from under a table, and rifles through an assortment of beer and liquor bottles, until she finally pulls out a bottle of cheap whiskey, cracks the seal, and then chugs it like it was water)
PAM: Aw jeez hon, that’s an awful lot of, you might wanna, ya know, slow down, maybe…
TIGER: Slow down? Slow down!? Slow down, my ass! I KNOW WHAT I’M FUCKIN DOING!
(she pulls out three more bottles of varying levels of brown liquids, and PAM eyes her nervously)
PAM: well, ya know, it’s just, ahhh, well, ya usually stick to rum and tequila, and well, ya know…
TIGER: (sloppily pouring more whiskey down her throat, spilling it all over her mask and ring gear in the process) Get off my back! Get off my fuckin’ – (hiccups) my fuckin’ back! What? You want me to be happy about this shit!? You fuckin’ want me to laugh and fuckin’ smile and party after what just happened!? Well… Maybe the fuckin’ party’s over…
(TIGER stomps out of the room with both arms full of whiskey bottles, cursing loudly when one falls and shatters on the floor, and wrestlers and ring crew guys giving her a wide berth. PAM watches her leave, in a clear state of extreme discomfort.)
PAM: (sighs) Welp… That’s not gonna end well…. Suppose I’ll have to deal with this again, one way or another…