So this recap is a hundred years too late, but it’s a thousand words too long too, and it ain’t like you’re paying for this. But anyway, Ol’ Hoss announced that a few of the students from the Second Class are getting kicked out of the nest and into the Great Unknown, and he threw a show to celebrate. It was a pretty wild afternoon, and if you weren’t there, maybe you oughtta check it out before you read what happened.
MATCH #1: Tres Hombres (ZZ Hill & El Loco Mescalero – TSLL) defeated The Lads (Patrick O’Connell & Adewale O’Koye – Freelance) in 26:09 when Mescalera hit O’Connell with a reverse DDT
NERD RATING: 99% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
The boys from Ireland took on TSLL’s Little Team From Texas, and this was a fun one. Both the crowd and the Ratings Nerds were hot for this one, even though it was a team they’d never seen before versus a team that’s technically unemployed. In fact, the Ratings Nerds were really generous for this show, and my guess is that since this show featured a lot of unproven talent, they were laying the foundations for an “I liked them before you had heard of them” later on. Smart.
MATCH #2: Stormy Knight defeated Nat Twenty (Freelance) in 11:38 with the Multivortex Arm Breaker
NERD RATING: 82% ⭐⭐⭐
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY!
(MURRAY STADANKOWICZ is backstage with STORMY KNIGHT, who stands with her arms folded, and is clearly super-pissed)
MURRAY: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m here with Stormy Knight, and well Stormy, that was an impressive victory, but I gotta ask – Was it really necessary to attack Nat Twenty after the the bell?
STORMY: Well, what else was I going to do? You throw me out there against some nerd-ass backyarder, and it’s barely even a workout. I was just trying to get an entire match out of that garbage.
MURRAY: Well hey now, that’s not a nice thing to-
STORMY: And this sort if thing is exactly what’s wrong with this promotion. It’s why we’re stuck running shows in strip malls and whatever the hell kind of barn this place is, and why we can’t even scrape together the cash for a heavyweight title belt. Look at me! I am the best professional wrestler in the world today, and where do they have me? In the opening match-
MYRRAY: Actually, it was the second m-
STORMY: -In the OPENING MATCH, against some loser they pulled in off the street! I should be in every main event! And who is in my spot instead? (she motions toward an event poster behind them) Ross Gracie is a senior citizen! He’s blind, deaf, probably incontinent, and his brain is Jello! Christ, even the rookie he’s wrestling is like fifty! And who else, Yumiko La Grange!? What is she, like 45?
MURRAY: 38, I believe.
STORMY: Okay, fine, but how old are her knees? A hundred? A million? They’re holding up about as well as her marriage did.
MURRAY: Well, there’s also Carrie Shipley, who just-
STORMY: …Who should have stuck to her day job, if she had any sense. Listen, office-boy, you can try and justify this crap all you want, but-
(All of a sudden, STORMY is interrupted by NAT TWENTY, who has arrived in the backstage area, is clearly at least temporarily insane, and doesn’t understand just how far above her weight limit that she is punching right now.)
NAT: FOUL WEATHER SORCERESS!
STORMY: (intensely confused) Do what now?
NAT: You may have claimed victory on this darkest of days, but know this! Your days bringing darkness to this land are numbered! For as it was foretold in the ancient scrolls-
(An even more confused and slightly frightened STORMY raises an eyebrow and mouths out a silent, but easily understood “what the FUCK!?”)
NAT: …the free peoples of the Tri-State Realm shall rise against your tyranny! And yea, though your darkness taints this land, one day you shall be cast back into the shadows! HUZZAH!
(NAT kind of does that Dracula cape-swishing exit, as STORMY and MURRAY stare on, slack-jawed and just utterly confounded by what just happened.)
STORMY: Man, they better not ever fuckin’ hire her…
MATCH #3: Annihilation (Ax Hawk & Animal Smasher) defeated the Harbingers (Calamity & Doom) in 26:46 when Hawk hit Calamity with a powerslam
NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This match was honestly shocking. Annihilation are two walking physcal impossibilities, which the Harbingers are two skinny little sacks of shit, and the ‘Bingers hung with those two monsters for almost half an hour. This may have been the Harbingers’ finest hour. I mean, they still lost, but they might not actually suck, you know?
MATCH #4: Atomic Dog (Hoss Dojo) defeated William Nilly (Hoss Dojo) in 8:49 with a running shooting star press
NERD RATING: 79% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Welp, it’s a guy in flesh-colored wrestling panties against some sort of… atomic… dog. Ol’ Hoss tells me this kid is a really flashy high-flyer, but whether it was something Nilly did to thwart him or the pressure of wrestling in front of people for the first time, he didn’t show a whole helluva lot of it. Either way, I’m not gonna judge someone based on their first match.
MATCH #5: Buster Samson (Hoss Dojo) defeated Cleve Hawk (Hoss Dojo) in 31:36 with the Giant Clutch
NERD RATING: 90% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
BACKSTAGE WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Ladies and Gentlemen, Murray Stadankowicz here with Dojo trainee Buster Samson, and let me tell you, wrestling fans, that was a heckuva match! Buster, you have to be feeling good after scoring an impressive victory over such a larger opponent!
BUSTER: Larger? What the hell are you talkin’ about!?
MURRAY: Well, I mean, Cleve Hawk in an extremely large man, I mean, he’s six-foot-five, well over three hundred pounds, and-
BUSTER: Ha! I don’t know where you got your information from, boy, but you need to fire your source! That pipsqueak could parachute off a dime! He’s got buggy-whip arms and a concave chest! He ain’t no man! Look at me! I’m a real man! (BUSTER starts flexing, like he’s Ax Doogan or something) Look at it! I am a genetic freak! Six foot nine! Twenty-nine inch biceps! This is the future of wrestling, right here, so get ready! Get ready for four-hundred and thirty pounds of blood, guts, and fury, comin’ to lay these size 16 boots upside your head! Because I am Buster Samson, and I am the True Giant of Professional Wrestling! YEAAAHH!
(MURRAY just stares blankly, unable to process what he’s just seen, until the camera fades)
MATCH #6: Broccolord defeated Business Clown in 22:36 with the Broccolock
NERD RATING: 97% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This was an alumni match, and it once again showed that Clown is out of his element in a match with rules and regulations. Or maybe this means that the broccoli freak is actually good at wrestling. Who knows.
MATCH #7: Soccer Ninja defeated Velveeta Dream in 14:52 with the Pele Kick
NERD RATING: 85% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Wow. Velveeta Dream has looked fairly impressive since making her debut last year, and somehow, this was just Ninja giving her an extended ass-whooping. I feel like we’re finally seeing the true power of a fully armed and operational soccer-playing ninja, and people should be worried about this. Not me, though. I’m not a wrester. And anyone who told you I was one is a GOD DAMNED LIAR. Sorry. Moving on…
We then paused for a brief commercial break, and y’all need to remember to invest wisely.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
MATCH #N/A: Donita Zapata vs. Deadly Nightshade DIDN’T HAPPEN
(DONITA ZAPATA is warming up and preparing to head out into the arena for her scheduled match with newly-graduating DEADLY NIGHTSHADE, when all of a sudden, the entrance music of THEM MOOK BOYS starts, and they walk past her on their way through the curtain. (There’s a curtain just off camera, y’all.) Confused, she starts to look around as if to say “dude what the hell?” as PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES approaches.)
DONITA: Dude, what the hell? I thought my match with the weird plant girl was next!
PAM: Oh, ahh, well…. Aw jeez, hon, I meant to catch up with you earlier. Nightshade couldn’t make it. Your match has been canceled.
DONITA: Really? The fuck, man, it’s graduation day! Who misses that?
PAM: Well, jeez hon, ya know how she is with her garden and her plants and what-have-you… Well apparently, she got some new stuff in, and we’ll, dontcha know, there was an issue with allergies and some kinda fungus, and aw jeez, just look.
(PAM hands DONITA her phone, and DONITA immediately looked shocked and disgusted)
DONITA: Holy fuck! What is… What… I mean… What is that even… Wait… (tilts her head quizzically, before frantically handing PAM’s phone back to her, as though she doesn’t want it touching her hand any longer) Did… Did you just show me a picture of that girl’s ass!?
PAM: What!? Oh no, hon. That’s her face.
DONITA: JESUS! Is she even… Like, is that going to be fatal?
PAM: Well, apparently the urgent care gave her some kinda topical cream, and it should be good as new. Just, ya know… She probably shouldn’t make public appearances for a week or two…
DONITA: Aw, jeez.
PAM: Aw, jeez.
MATCH #8 – GRADUATES VS. TRAINERS: Them Mook Boys (Roy & Lance) defeated Ace La Grange & Skip Legday in 40:43 when Roy hit Skip with the Hazardous Legdrop
NERD RATING: 99% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
The Mooks have only had a few matches in public, and so far, they’ve taken out the once-seemingly-unbeatable Bad Religion, and handed Skip Legday his second tag loss in three shows. They’re not the flashiest of teams by today’s standards, but they know how to get things done, and they’re going to be a big problem for a lot of teams for a long time.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(Having been freed from the burden of an impending wrestling match, DONITA ZAPATA is loitering around the catering table backstage, even though it consists mainly of a handful of 2-liter beverages and a couple of big ol’ submarine sammiches from Walmart. Of course, with the new development of an unexpected day off, DONITA has taken full advantage of the situation, which is to say that her Dixie cup full of Great Value Twist-Up brand generic lemon-lime soda is starting to smell more and more like vodka. Eventually, ROY MOOK returns to the backstage area. After being congratulated by various wrestlers, including exchanging handshakes with freshly-defeated SKIP LEGDAY and ACE LA GRANGE, LANCE MOOK finally appears, and the two Mooks continue the celebration by just straight-up smooching the hell out of each other. I mean, probably not hard enough to qualify as making out, but I mean pretty hardcore as smooches go. Unaware of the realities of the situation, DONITA – who is not quite slurring her words at this point, but whose diction is not what it once was – registers her disgust with a nearby PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES…)
DONITA: Duuuuude, that’s fuckin’ disgusting!
PAM: What? Personally, I find it downright heart-warming.
DONITA: Nooooo, dude, it’s fuckin’ gross!
PAM: Really!? wow, Donita, I gotta say, I never figured you for a bigot…
DONITA: What’re you talking about? They’re fuckin’ brothers, man!
PAM: Ohhhhhh, I see now. No, hon, they’re not actually related at all.
DONITA: They got the same last name!
PAM: Donita, they’re married.
DONITA: Really?
PAM: I’m the VP of Human Resources, hon. I’ve seen their personnel file.
(DONITA tilts her head, drunkenly slack-jawed, as her brain processes this new information. Her demeanor changes immediately, and as the MOOKS continue their public display of affection, DONITA transitions from looking on in disgust to straight-up leering, sort of nodding and faintly smiling the entire time. It is kind of creepy.)
PAM: Donita, honey… You should probably stop staring like that… It’s kinda weird, hey?
DONITA: (completely ignoring the previous statement) You know… Just looking at this from a logistical standpoint, there should be absolutely nothing arousing about this… (she takes a long sip of Twist-Up and vodka) …And yet here we are.
PAM: Okay, I’m gonna go now.
DONITA: …And I’m gonna stay riiiiiight heeeere.
MATCH #9 – GRADUATE VS. TRAINER: Yumiko La Grange defeated Carrie Shipley in 9:29 with a Dragon Suplex
NERD RATING: 82% ⭐⭐⭐
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(Postal employee-turned-wrestler and known rageaholic CARRIE SHIPLEY returns to the backstage area, following basically having her ass handed to her in a one-sided, bloody brawl by YUMIKO LA GRANGE. She is visibly furious, in the sense that she immediately begins kicking, throwing, and breaking shit, all while yelling HUGE CUSSES, causing the wrestlers backstage to either flee from a sense of self-preservation or attempt to intervene)
CARRIE: FUCK! FUCKIN’ PIECE OF SHIT!
(CARRIE hurls a folding chair that ends up wiping out the catering table, sending several big ol’ sammiches of dubious freshness flying)
ACE LA GRANGE: Damn, brother! Calm down!
CARRIE: You calm down, ya bald-headed fuck!
(CARRIE picks up a fallen sammich and hurl it at ACE’s head, which he barely ducks, causing it to nail SKIP LEGDAY, covering him in ham slices)
SKIP: Ow! Carrie! Bro! Gonna need you to take a deep breath, bro! Deep breaths! Count to ten!
CARRIE: Count down to FUCK OFF, ya toothpicked-legged freak! No one asked you! (she turns to see BUSTER SAMSON standing nearby) And you! You’re five-foot four! I shit bigger than you! Everyone shits bigger than you! Ya fuckin’ bitch! GODDAMN IT! I AM UNTETHERED, AND MY RAGE KNOWS NO BOUNDS!
(BUSTER looks shocked and wounded deep down to his soul for a moment, and then quickly flees the room, appearing to be on the verge of tears. CARRIE continues to rampage, and it seems as though everyone there is either powerless to stop her, or just enjoying the show from a safe distance. As she rears back to hurl a bottle of Dr. Thunder brand generic Dr. Pepper Substitute at a wall, and it seems as though no sammich is safe, she is stopped in her tracks like a confused animal by the voice of YUMIKO LA GRANGE, the scariest person in the building at the time.)
YUMIKO: CARRIE! PUT THE DR. THUNDER DOWN, RIGHT THIS INSTANT!
(CARRIE holds the bottle up as though she’s about to hurl it, before sloooooowly lowering it and finally dropping it, hyperventilating the entire time.)
YUMIKO: Now… come here. Listen to me.
CARRIE: It’s just, you know, I just get so frustrated sometimes, and-and-and-
YUMIKO: Shut up. Listen. (sighs) You remind me so much of myself sometimes.
CARRIE: Really?
YUMIKO: I said shut up and listen.
CARRIE: Sorry.
(YUMIKO put her hands on CARRIE’S shoulders and leans in close)
YUMIKO: Your tiny, stupid mind is completely filled with uncontrolled rage. It is directionless and unharnessed. You have to learn how to take advantage of it and make it work for you.
CARRIE: But… But how?
YUMIKO: Seriously, shut up. You have to take all this rage, all this hatred you have for the world around you, and you must push it down. Smash it down into a tiny little ball. Let it fester. Let it grow into something twisted and horrible deep inside you that threatens to destroy you, your relationships, and everything else that you hold dear.
CARRIE: That sounds… Unhealthy.
YUMIKO: Quiet. You are a professional wrestler now. From here on out, poor choices are all the only kind of choices that are open to you. Anyway, you push it all down, and let it rot inside of you. But over time, you must learn how to focus, how to release it at the right times. You do not want to end up like Screaming Rage Man, just a big, oily moron, wasting his gift on parked cars and lawn furniture. Release it in the ring.
CARRIE: But… But I don’t know if I can. I… I could try, I guess…
(YUMIKO places her hands on either side of CARRIE’s face and leans in even closer, almost nose-to-nose.)
YUMIKO: Listen to me. If you can do as I have told you… I promise… You will hurt so many people.
CARRIE: Y-you really think so?
YUMIKO: Yes. I believe in you, Carrie.
CARRIE: Really?
YUMIKO: (after a long pause) ….No.
(THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA pans over to where STORMY KNIGHT and a clearly shit-faced DONITA ZAPATA have been watching from a safe distance)
DONITA: (slurring heavily, with her eyes barely open) Y’know? Not gonna lie… Like… That shit right there was also kinda weirdly erotic. There, I said it. Not as into it as the two smoochin’ rednecks, though. Not… Like… Not sure what that says about me, though.
STORMY: Donita… You know it’s only like one in the afternoon, right?
DONITA: (taking a huge sip of faintly Twist-Up-flavored vodka.) Fuck it, dude, I got th’ day off.
MATCH #10 – GRADUATE VS. TRAINER: Buzz McClanahan defeated Ol’ Ross Gracie in 13:22 with a Rolling Elbow
NERD RATING: 99% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(After returning to the backstage area, a victorious BUZZ waits patiently until HOSS GRACIE limps through the curtain. Being a man of honor and integrity, or at least a man who likes to market himself as such, BUZZ immediately offers HOSS a hearty handshake.)
BUZZ: Sir, I just want you to know that over the last year, I have learned a great deal about sportsmanship, integrity, and what it truly means to be a man. Thank you, sir. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
HOSS: Ahh, well… Y’know, I learned somethin’, too. Out there today in the ring just now… Ah hell…. Looks like Ol’ Hoss ain’t as spry as he used to be. Like this ol’ cowboy keeps slowin’ down, and you kids keep speedin’ up. And god damn, I dunno… I think it might be time…
BUZZ: Really? Are you sure?
HOSS: Well, I ain’t a young cowpoke no more. These old knees, this old body… Ah, I just dunno, anymore. I think it might be time for Ol’ Hoss to ride off into the- HHYYYAAAAAGHHHH!
(with that sudden outburst, HOSS furiously punches BUZZ directly between the balls with such force that the former astronaut is actually propelled backward through the air for a bout a foot, before collapsing into a writhing puddle of human agony)
BUZZ: Aaauuurrrgh… (coughs) Urrrrnnnngghhh… But… But whhyyy?
HOSS: (suddenly seeming several years younger in his demeanor) Because that’s final lesson every wrassler’s gotta learn, ya dumb son of a bitch! NEVER TRUST THE FUCKIN’ ANKLE RUSTLER! Now… (HOSS looks around the room) Where’d all them goddamn sammiches go?
BONUS MATCH #11: Captain STRUGGLE defeated Uno Muerte in 15:49 with a German Suplex
NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was a little bonus match we decided to throw in, as the show ended sooner than expected, Muerte has only been around sporadically since the pandemic started, and the Captain has been spending most of the time screwing around with heavyweights and tag teams lately. But anyway, these two put on a fun little match, (that the Ratings Nerds clearly loved) with Cap coming out on top in the end. Sometimes, I feel like he’s spent too much time outside the cruiserweight division, because he’s clearly underrated, and scored a win over a guy very few have been able to beat so far.
Anyway, fun now. Now I gotta go clean up all the damn Twist-Up and sammich remnants.