(NOTE: EWX CEO/CFO/HNIC Tony Unity has opted against having an official EWX website for his own personal reasons, mostly being that “that’s nerd shit.” Howver, his cousin Lil’ Chucky managed to convince him that it might be wise to publicize their shows in manners other than photocopied zines, so he slipped our webmaster (me) enough cash to at least get the women’s restroom back online and not have to fire Mayonnaise Boy for at least another month. So we’re going to occasionally be covering EWX shows and goings-on. Anyway, they’ve got a show coming up that they wanted to hype, so here’s a video package they sent in with promos and whatnot. Of course, I can’t actually show you the videos itself, because… I dunno, because of reasons.)
(The scene fades into a screen filled with old school Tv static as “Dust Devil” by the Butthole Surfers begins playing, completely unlicensed, before the graphics hyping the show pop up on the screen. Eventually, the music fades out just enough to be heard without drowning out people talking over it, as various clips and promos of EWX wrestlers begin to play. The first shows TONY UNITY and his cousin LIL’ CHUCKY UNITY carrying armloads of assorted weaponry into the backdoor of Unity United Records Headquarters.)
TONY: Charles! Hurry it up with that shit!
CHUCKY: Uhh, sorry Tony, it’s just really heavy, and-
TONY: Oh hey, wait, hold these for a second.
(TONY casually tosses about three barbed wire baseball bats toward CHUCKY, who manages to catch them on top of the pile of crap he’s already carrying somehow, but ends up stumbling and falling over, sending bats, chairs, and what appears to be some sort of abnormally large PVC figurine of Luigi flying.)
TONY: (toward the camera) Hey yo, listen up. Tony Unity here. I just want youse guys to know that we got some big plans on the way here at EWX. As the premiere wrestling promotion in the Tri-State Area, we got some shit comin’ up that’s gonna blow your frickin’ minds! We’re taking extreme to a whole new level, and if you miss out, I dunno what to tell ya. Except that you’re a fuckin’ idiot. Be there, chumps.
(TONY picks up a few bats and the Luigi and starts to head inside, as CHUCKY leans over to pick up a steel chair, before TONY stops him)
TONY: Charles! don’t worry about that right now! The wire! get the wire!
(The camera pans over to reveal an unrealistically huge spool of barbed wire. CHUCKY eyes it nervously, as it clearly weighs hundreds of pounds.)
CHUCKY: Uhh, Tony, I dunno if I can move that thing.
TONY: Use the gloves, idiot. And hurry up!
CHUCKY: Oh yeah, the gloves, right.
(TONY enters the building and lets the door slam behind him, as CHUCKY puts on a pair of heavy leather gloves and starts heaving and straining to try and move this gigantic spool of wire with absolutely no success)
CHUCKY: Tony! Hey Tony! Tony, I can’t- Tony? Shit.
(through a Hurculean effort, CHUCKY actually manages to lean the spool about halfway up, but it quickly becomes apparent that he has absolutely no chance of moving it any more. Furthermore, it has also become apparent that he is now trapped halfway underneath a gigantic goddamn barbed wire spool and is in danger of being crushed underneath it.)
Tony! Hey! Hey Tony! Tony! Tone! TOOOONYYYYYY!!
(There is a blinding flash of light, followed by a thunderclap, as CHUCKY looks nervously at the sky. Soon a soft pitter-patter of raindrops can be heard.
CHUCKY: Aw jeez. TOOOOONNNYYYYYYYYYY!!
(The scene fades out and cuts to the terrifying duo of DAMAGE CONTROL, standing in front of an ambulance and flanking their manager, NURSE WOUNDS. As gigantic dudes with mean faces, they look absolutely menacing, and despite being a tiny lady in skimpy clothing, the Nurse kind of does too, somehow.)
NURSE WOUNDS: Wells, boys, looks like we’ve got a match against…. Wait, who was it?
BOARD: Hell, I dunno.
(COLLAR reaches into his pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper, then looks at it quizzically)
COLLAR: I guess its… Little Snooks Tutwiler? And… How the hell do you… Bolphunga… Slopsley!?
BOARD: The hell kinda name is that?
COLLAR: Wait, which one?
BOARD: Either!
NURSE: Boys, boys, boys, focus! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter who you two wrestle, because no one here can beat us! Just remember that we are professionals! And it doesn’t matter how badly you destroy those two losers, no matter how many of their teeth you knock out, how many of their bones you break, or how many of their internal organs that you rupture! What matters is after the match! Because when those two twerps lay bleeding and twitching in the ring, laying in a puddle of their own urine, with what may or may not be brain matter leaking from their ears, what matters is us keeping them alive long enough to get to the hospital!
BOARD: After that, though?
COLLAR: Fuck ’em.
NURSE: So… Don’t worry boys. When you step into that ring against Damage Control, you’re going to be in excellent hands.
(The Scene cuts to BOLPHUNGA SLOPSLEY and LIL’ SNOOKS TUTWILER standing in a field, for some unknown reason, and SLOPSLEY is in his full ring gear, for an even more unknown reason)
SLOPSLEY: Hey listen! I-I-I’m here in the EWX to show you all that I’m a real man! And I’m… I’m hardcore! And I don’t care who I’m up against! They’re going down! Because I’m hardcore, seriously! And-and-and-…. Oh god, those guys are huge… Oh jeez, I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die, oh man, this is bad…
(SNOOKS looks past the camera toward the camera crew, as SLOPSLEY breaks down in tears behind him)
SNOOKS: Hey, uhh…. Sooo, did I piss y’all off or something? Is that what this is? Because, y’know.. I dunno what I did, but I’m sorry. Like, for real.
(SNOOKS sighs and shakes his head as a still-crying SLOPSLEY is suddenly chased off by a swarm of bees.)
(the camera fades in on a close-up of SEXY REX DONOVAN’s face, and zooms out after he begins talking to reveal LADY DIAMOND DONOVAN hanging off his arm)
SEXY REX: That’s right, baby! By popular demand! The certified, bonafide loverboy is back! And this time around, I brought somebody real special with me.
(SEXY REX spins LADY DIAMOND around, ballroom dancing style)
SEXY REX: This is my better half, my main squeeze, the Lady Diamond, and it’s a very special occasion for her! You see, today’s her birthday! And baby, you gotta tell me! Sexy Rex is gonna give you anything you want!
LADY DIAMOND: Hm… Now, what do I want….
(LADY DIAMOND thinks for a second, then casually pulls out a pack of cigarettes and places one in her mouth. Reflexively, SEXY REX pulls out a lighter and lights it up for her. She takes a drag, exhales, then pulls the butt out and ponders it for a second. Then then drops it on the ground and violently stomps it out, before grinding it to smithereens under her foot.)
LADY DIAMOND: Baby, what I want is for you to take Chucky Unity and stomp his little butt into the ring.
SEXY REX: Well, then. You heard the lady. And everybody knows that Sexy Rex Donovan never leaves his lady unsatisfied. Ha ha ha ha ha….
(SEXY REX grins and LADY DIAMOND kind of smirks and wiggles her eyebrows and the camera fades)
(The camera fades in on MORBID MANUEL, standing in an unidentified room, surrounded by posters and wall-mounted vinyl records of varying death metal-ness)
MANUEL: Hey, listen up! At the Death-March, I’m gonna be fightin’ Damien Nova, and I gotta say, dude: What were you thinking, coming here!? Don’t get me wrong, Holmes, I used to watch you when I was a kid. And back in the 2000s, your shit was state-of-the-art! But that was a long time ago, dude, and you ain’t in the Tri-State Wrestling Alliance no more! Hell, it doesn’t even exist! You ain’t out here fightin’ old dudes in wool tights, grabbin’ headlocks and shit any more. This is hard core shit, bro, and you ain’t gonna be able to hang here. You shoulda gone to one of those other places across town. You shoulda gone and did flips with all the luchas or headed over the the seniors tour in STRUGGLE! Hell, you’d be the youngest dude on the roster! This is the EWX! You’re gonna get ate alive here, bro. And at the Death-March you’re gonna find out when we get- (he strikes the “invisible oranges” pose, as his voice suddenly becomes one long, guttural growl) EEEEXXXXXTREEEEEEEEEEEEME!!
(The camera fades in on DAMIEN NOVA, sitting on the steps of a mobile home. It’s a sunny day, and birds can be heard chirping, suggesting this wasn’t recorded on the same day as the part with TONY and CHUCKY)
NOVA: You know? A lot’s changed since I got put away. But at the same time, a lot has stayed the same, you know? The sun still shines. The birds still sing. The wind still blows. And you know what else is the same? Damien Nova is still the best wrestler in the world. And you see, there’s something they tell you when you get put away: Your first day in, you pick out the biggest, toughest guy in the yard, and then you beat his ass. This tells everybody there that you’re not someone to mess with, and your sentence tends to go by a lot smoother that way. In theory, at least. But anyway, here I am, in EWX, looking for the biggest, toughest guy in the yard, and I gotta be honest with you: Nobody here seems to match that description. But welp, here we are, and I guess for now, you’ll do to fill that role. So Manuel? Get ready, because at Death-March 2022? I’m gonna make you my bitch.
(All of a sudden, the background music changes from Butthole Surfers to “Falling Away From Me”, and we see The EWX Champ, the Korn Demon, conspicuously wearing a STRUGGLE t-shirt and standing in front of a STRUGGLE logo backdrop)
DEMON: So they tell me at the big show coming up that I gotta defend the strap against Secret Pete, eh? Boy, that guy’s got issues, doesn’t he? And Pete, you gotta take a look in the mirror and ask yourself something, buddy: You gotta ask: Do I feel adequately prepared? Am I…. Ready? Well, are ya? Well buddy, we’re all gonna find out how ready you are, when The Unleashed Freak comes to the Wrestlebasement to defend his property. You’ve got no place to hide, and you’re gonna learn the serenity of suffering, eh?
(The music cuts out entirely, and the scene fades to an extreme – and extremely uncomfortable – closeup of SECRET PETE, in a dark and undisclosed location)
PETE: Am I… ready? Yes, yes I am. In fact, I’ve developed the perfect strategy to defeat the Demon and bring the belt home. Do you wanna know what it is? It’s…. Heh. Heh heh. Heeheehee… Hahaha… AAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA… It’s… A secret.
EWX DEATH-MARCH 2022 CARD:
CARD SUBJECT TO CHANGE. ALL MATCHES UNDER EWX RULES (NO COUNTOUTS OR DQS) UNLESS NOTED
- Damage Control vs. Bolphunga Slopsley and Lil’ Snooks Tutwiler
- Gunnar Van Heusen vs. “The Berserker” Jeff O’Halloran
- Trondheim Troy vs. Andy Darling
- Sexy Rex Donovan vs. Lil’ Chucky Unity
- Toxic Walt vs. Blaze Hydro
- Nasty Dick Bacteria & Tony Unity vs. Uncle Smelly & Hanover Stern
- Damien Nova vs. Morbid Manuel
- BARBED WIRE MATCH FOR THE EWX NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP: The Korn Demon vs. Secret Pete
If you can’t make it to the Basement, the show will stream live on Twitch in the usual location, more than likely Sunday around noonish.