So after much ado, the bug TSLL debut show finally happened, meaning there are now three semi-functional wrestling promotions (four if you count GHW) in the Tri-State Area. It’s like there’s some wrestling boom going on that STRUGGLE will never see the benefit if. Oh well. Anyway, they asked me if I’d put some sort if report here, and I said yes, so here you go. Gonna try to keep it brief, because I’ve got the Fall Forward #1 report to do, plus some of the lights in the arena are acting up, so I gotta get the crew to tear down the ring, plus I gotta rent a goddamn scissor lift now. It never ends. Anyway, watch the show, or perhaps read about it below.
DARK MATCH 1: Pepper Scoville & Ryan Grabowski DREW The Rolling Blackouts in 30:00 – 93% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Look, there are certain expectations from a dark match with a bunch of trainees, and “thirty minute draw” is not one of them. Just keep it simple, don’t try to bust out your big career-ender moves, and maybe consider just staying down at 3 once in a while. That being said, this was great, as long as you don’t like wrestling matches where someone wins. Makes me think these four might be ready to move beyond training and do this for real. Actually, wait a second… That Scoville girl sounds familiar, and if that’s who I’m thinking of, what the hell is she doing in the Dojo, anyway? Hell, I think she even held titles down south. Huh, maybe someone should look into this.
DARK MATCH #2: El Zafiro DREW El Hijo Del Sabado Noche in 30:00 – 99% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Another draw, but at least these were fully-established veterans who had just been pushed off the main card. Sabado didn’t get to cut loose with the high-flying flips the way he usually does, because Zafiro is in his forties, is something like 250, and isn’t having that shit. Still, the crowd loved this, because they love Zafiro and possibly also the sweet sounds of Disco.
MATCH #1: 30 PERSON BATTLE ROYAL: Neon Demon wins in 1:04:30 – 74% ⭐⭐⭐
The winner here got ten grand (holy shit) plus a future shot at the title, and while it was limited to masked wrestlers who were at least theoretically luchadors or fast-movers of other styles, there were plenty of people willing to take a shot. This also included two who had no goddamn place in there, as Turd #2A waddled past security somehow, and a mysterious luchador known as “El Presidente” entered at #30, who was an real impressive kid, who just happened to have the same voice, moves, physical dimensions, and color scheme as President Evil. In yhe end, Neon Demon won the day, much to the relief of everyone. Some fun surprises too, with a strong Japanese contingent, including Napster Mask VI from Notoriety, plus Bone Thug and the legendary King Poseidon from MOSES.
MATCH #2: TECNICOS TRIPLE DOUBLE CHALLENGE: El Wrangler defeated Rodimus Primo and Puño Dorado in 23:40 – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
It’s kinda funny, because with a living legend and a former STRUGGLE cruiserweight champ in there, Wrangler was an afterthought. But it turns out that he was indeed One Tough Customer, and he knew what he wanted when he saw it, which was a shot at the title.
MATCH #3: LUCHA EXTREMA DEATHMATCH: Morbid Manuel (EWX) defeated El Moco by knockout with a chair-assisted piledriver in 31:30 – 89% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This match didn’t have any barbed wire or broken glass gimmickry involved, yet still managed to kill the part of my soul that still knew what love was. The entire ring and ringside area were just soaked in blood by the end, and until he managed to sit up under his own power, there was real concern that Moco had died. Of course, he most assuredly suffered massive brain damage, but if his uncle is to be believed, it’s about like a paint scratch on a junkyard-rescued 1987 Civic; the real damage was done years ago. Anyway, the real MVP was the TSLL ring crew, who managed to mop up all the gore before any other matches could be delayed.
MATCH #4: RUDOS TRIPLE DOUBLE CHALLENGE: El Profesional defeated El Hijo De Beatriz Negro and Joaquin Salazar in 15:26 – 83% ⭐⭐⭐
So… Yeah… This Profesional guy. Pretty sure I don’t want to know what exactly he’s a professional at. Dude just calmly and casually snapped a dude’s leg like it was nothing, then proceeded to hit a hellacious moonsault stomp thing right to the brainstem of EHDBN, knocking him smooth the fuck out. This was at least theoretically a normal wrestling match, and it ended up being more horrifying than the one with the two staple gun mutants.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(Victorious, EL PROFESIONAL returns to the backstage area, and having recently looked upon his works, everyone is giving him a wide berth, if not outright scrambling to get away from him. While he generally shows absolutely no emotion, he does manage to glance over to where paramedics are wheeling an absolutely furious JOAQUIN SALAZAR toward a waiting ambulance and crack the slightest hint of a grin. Of course, breaking the boy’s leg was not a personal issue; it was only business, and this smile isn’t one of joy in the kid’s suffering, so much as one of satisfaction over a job well done. As he heads further into the locker room area, his path takes him near where an injured EL HIJO DE BEATRIZ NEGRO lays flat on his back on a bench, with an ice pack under his neck and his face covered by a towel. Even though he can’t see THE PRO through the towel, he somehow senses him, and straight-up just growls like a wounded animal, which is basically what he is, at this point. He decides it would be best to not tempt fate, as the monster still has two working legs, so he stops and looks for an alternate route. Before he knows it, he suddenly finds himself face-to-face with retired luchadora, witchcraft enthusiast, and mother/manager of EHDBN, BEATRIZ NEGRO.)
[Also, all of this is translated from Spanish, for the record]
BEATRIZ: You!
PRO: Out of my way, woman. I have no business with you.
BEATRIZ: Ah, but you do! You made your appointment out there in the ring!
PRO: What… An appointment? What are you even talking about?
EHDBN: (Quietly, somehwat muffled by the towel) Oh god, here it comes…
BEATRIZ: An appointment, or perhaps a meeting with your destiny. Your fate. You have brought harm upon my family, and for this you must pay!
PRO: (defiantly) I must, eh?
(BEATRIZ’s eyes get really wide and she starts gesticulating wildly, in a manner that actually seems to disturb THE PRO)
BEATRIZ: You, interloper! The spirits condemn you! I call upon the dark powers of Hell itself! The shadows gather as I summon a great doom! And I curse you!
PRO: W-what- What is wrong with you!?
EHDBN: (mumbling to himself) If you only knew…
(BEATRIZ keeps speaking, but it’s seemingly some otherworldly language that is a mix of Spanish, Latin, utter gibberish, and what may or may not be The Black Speech of Mordor. Whatever it is, it sounds way fucked up, y’all.)
PRO: Stop it! Stop that!
(BEATRIZ comes to a sudden and complete stop, as if completely locked in a trance, not even breathing. Finally, she exhales deeply and start acting like something resembling a human being again.)
BEATRIZ: …It is done.
PRO: Ooookay…
BEATRIZ: Today, there shall be a coronation. The crowning of a great champion. And it will not be you.
PRO: Yyyeah, okay. I’m… I’m leaving now.
BEATRIZ: Good luck in your match… Hahaha… Ha ha ha aha… AAHHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(She continues villain-laughing as THE PRO hurries off to anywhere that isn’t here, stopping to look back more than once. She finally stops and looks on with smug satisfaction as soon as he gets out of earshot.)
EHDBN: Why? Who do you do that?
BEATRIZ: Do what?
EHDBN: You know. “Ooooooh, I curse, you, booga-booga-booga!” It’s embarrassing.
BEATRIZ: Do not belittle the powers of darkness, boy.
EHDBN: It’s all bullshit, and you know it.
BEATRIZ: Yeah, well… You see a guy like that? He’s cold-blooded. Methodical. He’s the sort that laser-focuses on the task at hand. And well, he doesn’t seem so focused now, does he?
EHDBN: Hmph.
BEATRIZ: You’ll thank me when the belt’s on an easier target, boy.
MATCH #5: Esu Takashima (MOSES) defeated El Choppo with the Supernova Splash in 23:51 – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
God damn. I was skeptical when they were acting like this kid (what is he, 25?) Was some sort of second coming of Wrestling Jesus. But he is a world champion already, so I should’ve known, I guess. And all credit to Choppo, (nice guy, used to work here) the man put together his masterpiece here, one of the best matches I’ve ever seen him have. He went in knowing that a win here would guarantee him a trip to Japan for a title shot against someone he already knew he could beat, and it showed. But MOSES’s Ace just was not going to lose, even if a goddamn meteor hit him. And my god, did y’all see how steady his gaze was?
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(The luxury box at John Gotti Field – and I’m not sure why a minor league team has a luxury box, but it’s there – wasn’t used for the show, so TSLL set it aside so wrestlers from local promotions (STRUGGLE, EWX, unbooked TSLL wrestlers, and a handful of well-connected free agents) could catch the show in peace. Among these, as is Invisible Backstage Camera tradition at this point, were the three members of Jezebel-Gun: JEZEBEL GRIM, YUMIKO LA GRANGE, and TOSHIYO NAKANO. And as hinted at in a previous installment, they were watching this match in particular with added interest.)
JEZEBEL: God damn, I actually thought Choppo had him for a second, but he damn near killed the lil’ fucker.
YUMIKO: The second Victoria Driver was probably overkill, but one can not argue with the results. Still, he probably could have finished him ten minutes earlier if he had better pin positioning the first time he did whatever that… flipping… thing was called.
TOSHIYO: Hmmm. (looking at JEZEBEL) If only there were someone to notify him of such things.
JEZEBEL: (nodding at TOSHIYO) Yes indeed, gentle Toshiyo, who knows what feats he might be capable of, if a more experienced wrestler could… share her wisdom with him.
YUMIKO: Oh god damn you both, just drop it. It is not happening.
TOSHIYO: Not with that attitude.
JEZEBEL: C’mon, look. I’m not saying you need to go run down there, get butt-ass naked, and jump in the shower with the fucker.
TOSHIYO: … Is an idea, however.
JEZEBEL: I’m just sayin’, like, you know… Go say hi, congratulate him on a well-fought match. You know, respectfully.
TOSHIYO: Yes, respectfully.
JEZEBEL: You know, just be all, “congratulations on your victory. Boy, you look so tired and your muscles must be so sore…”
TOSHIYO: Stop it. Just stop. This is going somewhere weird, I just know it.
JEZEBEL: No, no, nothing weird. Just you know, maybe see if he’s hurtin’, you know, maybe offer him a lil’ back rub…
TOSHIYO: …And then maybe he give you front-rub.
YUMIKO: (standing up hastily) Oh god damn it, no! God, I knew sharing an apartment with her would corrupt you…
TOSHIYO: Hey, I always corrupt, only difference is now I’m divorced.
YUMIKO: Whatever. That is it. I just can not deal with you two today. I am going home.
JEZEBEL: Aw come on! Seriously, you’re gonna regret this! You’re gonna waste a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! My god, woman, the abs!
TOSHIYO: And the steady gaze!
YUMIKO: I am sure I will live with myself somehow.
JEZEBEL: You’re seriously just gonna blow him off!? God, and to think I once believed in you.
YUMIKO: Welp, that was your first mistake. Let me know who wins the tag titles.
TOSHIYO: Hmph.
(YUMIKO exits the box)
JEZEBEL: I can’t fuckin’ believe that woman.
TOSHIYO: I knoooow. She impossible sometimes.
(they both shake their heads sadly for a second, then look out over the field for a moment. All of a sudden, TOSHIYO sits up straight, with her eyes open wide.)
TOSHIYO: Also, she was our ride!
JEZEBEL: Aw, fuck!
(The two hastily leave the box, nearly knocking over the popcorn guy and almost falling down the steps in the process)
MATCH #6: STRUGGLE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: The Grim Reapers (Warrior Pro) defeated Executive Solutions (STRUGGLE) to retain when Tyson Heyward made Wilhelm Kruger submit to Death’s Door in 34:35 – 94% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Much to our chagrin, the two mercenaries that Garfield Vanzetti hired yo beat up Skip Legday stuck around, and ended up winning a shot at the titles. But also to our chagrin, they’re still basically green-ass rookies at this point, and the Grim Reapers aren’t. The Reapers did a much better job cutting off the ring and taking advantage of double team situations, (how could the Execs git that ungodly-looking double half Nelson driver thing and then NOT go for the pin?) and just wore them down until the fake South African guy got choked unconscious. There was some weirdness here, where the ref called for the bell, but it never rang, which might explain the brief post-match scuffle.
MATCH #7: TSLL REY DE REYES CHAMPIONSHIP: El Wrangler defeated El Profesional with the Stone-Washed Stunner in 21:13 to become the FIRST TSLL REY DE REYES CHAMPION – 93% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
This was a shocker, after what happened in the rudos qualifier, where The Pro pretty much wiped out the side. He kept up the same strategy of trying to chairify and breakerize Wrangler’s legs, but it was not to be, as he ended up truly tougher than denim, and managed to pull off the upset, even after having his ribs tenderized nearly to the point of ref stoppage at one point. Oddly, he hit his finisher multiple times, but never went for the pin, indicating that while he may be tough as nails, his sense of priorities may have been at least somewhat broken. In his MoveList. From the ModPack. What? Nothing, nothing, I’m sorry, I’m trying to delete it. Anyway, El Wrangler is your inaugural TSLL champion, and we shall celebrate with churros and comfortable-yet-affordable jeans for all.