(THE SCENE: In the dressing room next to the sauna at the Abandoned Pines Retirement Home after Fall Forward #2, several members of the Evil Administration reflect on a blisteringly unsuccessful day at the office. BECKY WITH THE EVIL HAIR, having recently become an ex-champion for the second time, has had an extreme reaction to failure, pacing back and forth, angrily kicking and tossing anything she can find, and generally trashing the place. Meanwhile, AGENT BULLDOG seems calm and relaxed, partially because she won her match, and partially because emotions are kind of rare for her. AGENT 35 is in a similar state, but mostly because he just doesn’t give a shit. Freshly-uncrowned former Cruiserweight Champion AGENT FANG is despondent, sulking on a bench, and staring at a “number 2 guy around here” t-shirt that had been made to commemorate his title win, before wadding it up and throwing it across the room.)
FANG: Well, I guess those can go on clearance now…
AGENT 35: Yep, tough break there, my dude. Of course, my shirts can still run free, all thanks to the blessings of lowered expectations.
(AGENT 35 is soon interrupted by having to dodge a roll of athletic tape flying toward his head at near-fatal speed, as BECKY continues to rampage.)
BECKY: SHUT UP! Shut the fuck up! No one cares! Do you even understand!? I had it! It was mine! IT WAS MINE!
(BECKY is suddenly interrupted, when the door flies open, slamming against the adjacent wall so hard that the doorknob actually punches a knob-shaped hole through it. The husband/wife duo of PRESIDENT EVIL and FIRST LADY EVIL step inside, and it is clear that the PREZ is absolutely furious. The Evil Agents (and Becky, who I guess never got an official job title) all freeze in place until the Fearless Leader finally speaks.)
PREZ: (scanning back and forth across the room) What… Was that?
(the henchmen remain frozen in silence)
PREZ: WHAT, THE FUCK, WAS THAT!? FANG! That little twerp has been wrestling since I was in high school! He’s gotta be in his fifties by now! How the fuck can you lose a CHAMPIONSHIP FUCKING MATCH to man who’s got real concerns about his fucking prostate!
FANG: Well, I just, I-I-
PREZ: I don’t wanna fucking hear it! (he turns to BECKY) And you! Have you never had a wrestling match until today!? Is this sport new to you!?
BECKY: What? I don’t understand what you’re-
PREZ: CHAMPION’S. FUCKING. ADVANTAGE. Do you even know what the is!? It means that if the match ends via countout – and that means either one of you getting counted out – win, lose, or, draw, the champion keeps the title. That fucking hillbilly idiot and her two little friends GAVE you that match more than once! It was like they didn’t want the fucking belt! And you gave it right back to them, because YOU DON’T FUCKING KNOW HOW WRESTLING WORKS!
(against his better judgment, AGENT 35 snickers, ever so slightly, causing the PREZ to stop and focus on him, instead, which 35 clearly find terrifying)
PREZ: Oh? Oh what’s this? Do have perhaps have some advice, 35? Some grand insight into the strategy and tactics of professional wrestling, from someone who doesn’t know that you have to at least attempt to pin your fucking opponent!? Jesus fucking Christ, I would throw you all off a fucking bridge right now if it was later in the day! This is absolutely fucking pathetic!
(FIRST LADY EVIL steps forward and tries to calm the situation down)
FIRST LADY: Look, just calm down, there’s nothing productive coming from any of this. Okay. (to the PRESIDENT) what I need you to do right now is forget all of this for now and focus on ending Doc Wyatt and getting us back up to at least one championship. Everybody else? Go home, figure out how to best get your shit together, and we’ll discuss what happened today when everybody settles down a little.
AGENT BULLDOG: Ma’am, if I might make a-
FIRST LADY: (in a completely different and more, well, evil tone than the previous statements) Bulldog, you’ll speak to me when you’re fucking spoken to. Anyway, you’re all dismissed or whatever.
(BULLDOG flinches a little and takes a step back. FIRST LADY EVIL looks down at the floor for a while, as though lost in thought, before suddenly arching an eyebrow as though she has made a realization. then pulls out her phone and starts flipping through… something.)
FIRST LADY: Huh…. You know what, I think I can fix at least some of this. (to the PRESIDENT) Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
PREZ: I dunno, are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?
FIRST LADY: I think I’m thinking what you th- Wait, are we doing a bit right now? This is dumb.
PREZ: Yeah, well, if whatever you’re thinking will work, then that’s exactly what I’m thinking.
FIRST LADY: Good save.
PREZ: It’s why they pay me the big bucks, my dear. But yeah, what are you talking about?
FIRST LADY: I… I’m not sure, but… Look, I gotta make some phone calls. Hey, are the Athletic Commission offices open on weekends?
PREZ: There’s still an athletic commission?
FIRST LADY: I’ll let you know. (holding phone up to her ear) Oh shit, it’s ringing!
(The FIRST LADY puts her finger in the non-phone ear and leaves the room in a hurry. Meanwhile the rest of the Administration finally starts to disperse, but as AGENT BULLDOG heads for the door, AGENT FANG stops her)
FANG: Hey, uhh, Bulldog?
BULLDOG: Yes?
(in the background, PRESIDENT EVIL can be seen taking a keen interest in this conversation)
FANG: So, uhh, Bulldog, ya know, uhh, I mean, ya know, we’ve known each other a while now, and uhh, ya know… I was wondering, you know, uhh…
(PRESIDENT EVIL cranes his neck and his eyes get all big, like “ohhh shit, it’s happening” or whatever)
BULLDOG: Fang… Are you alright?
FANG: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s just ya know… I was thinking, uhhh… I just wanted to say, uhh…
BULLDOG: Yes?
FANG: i… Wanted to say… Uhh… Good match. Ya had a real good match out there… Pal.
BULLDOG: Oh, uh.. Thank you?
(BULLDOG unceremoniously leaves the room, while both FANG and PRESIDENT EVIL look like they’ve had the air let out of them)
PREZ: Good job there, little guy. Keep this up, and you’ll be up to half a testicle by next Spring.
FANG: (sighs) Thank you, sir.
MOMENTS LATER!
(Once outside the building, AGENT BULLDOG suddenly finds herself face to face with STORMY KNIGHT)
STORMY: You know, I thought you were smarter than that…
BULLDOG: What’s that supposed to mean?
STORMY: You’re still running around with those guys. You could hear all of that from out here, Bulldog. Don’t you find it a little odd that you’re the only on the team that actually got the job done, yet you still got that “silence when you speak to me” treatment?
BULLDOG: Well, Miss Knight, the First Lady was-
STORMY: Just stop. Listen to me, Bulldog. Your days are numbered, whether you know it or not. Ever since they brought Becky’s crazy ass into the fold, you’ve been on your way out, even if you’ve been too blind to see it.
BULLDOG: I don’t believe that.
STORMY: Believe it. Becky isn’t your friend, and she’s not your teammate, either. She’s you being put out of a job.
(BULLDOG fidgets nervously for a moment, as though STORMY is telling her something she’s already known for a while now)
BULLDOG: Yeah, well…. The President has my back.
STORMY: (laughing) And you think that matters?
BULLDOG: (narrows her eyes and takes on a slightly angry tone) What’s that supposed to mean?
STORMY: It means exactly what I said. Listen, behind every great man, there’s a greater woman, telling him what to do next. And if I had to guess, I’d say that the Administration’s real leader made up her mind about you a long time ago. Anyway, good talk!
(STORMY walks off and leaves BULLDOG standing there silently, the proverbial walls closing in around her)