Here at STRUGGLE, we know what our audience wants, and that’s hard-hitting pro wrestling action. So here’s some news, notes, and other wordy things. First off, the question that’s been burning up all the Facebooks and Reddits and message boards and magazines and newsletters and Usenet and the BBSes and Tout:
Where in the World is Garfield Vanzetti?
Well, it turns out that both he and his downtrodden, blue-hued sidekick Buford Randall are pretty much exactly where you probably assumed they were. Anyway, here’s a hint:
Yup. That’s… Just… Yyyyyuuuupp. Apparently someone got to looking at some photos of that thing that happened a couple Januaries ago, and damned if they didn’t spot our boys Garfield and Buford there. And to know the dude’s appearance means to know anything of him whatsoever, so of course he was narced out almost immediately. According to what little we’ve been able to glean from Associated Press reports, neither were involved in any of the actual violence that went down, and after calmly and quietly cooperating with the authorities, Buford should be back on the streets within a few months. As for Garfield, hoo boy. Apparently, as soon as a member of the capital police laid a hand on him, he started ratting out anyone and everyone he’s ever been associated with in hopes of escaping prosecution, including but not limited to his wife, all of his children, Buford, and several others, both living and dead. In the end, it was determined that not only had none of the names he shouted committed any crimes, but the crimes he implicated them had never taken place, and several of the accused had never existed in the first place. In the end, he committed such a high level or perjury and pissed off the authorities to such an extent that we probably won’t be seeing him for a while.
How long he’ll be… away… isn’t known right now, because we couldn’t be bothered to make the follow-up phone calls, but it must be a while, because his wife and fellow wrestler Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti has requested that all STRUGGLE promotional materials refer to her only as Patience Halliburton, and has announced that in addition to wrestling, she will now be serving as the full-time valet for Crash Ferrarri. When reached for comment, Vanzetti’s daughter (from a previous marriage, and alleged former high school classmate of Patience) and Hoss Dojo trainee Reagan Vanzetti just quietly announced that she still plans to beat her stepmom’s ass someday, before stomping off angrily. Good times, good times.
In actual wrestling news, the gauntlet has been thrown down, by god, and we could actually be seeing Warrior Pro’s sordid saga of Doc Wyatt vs. President Evil come to an end, as the theoretical leader of an apparently-reunited Jackson Hole Outlaws has challenged the President of Professional Wrestling to a War Party match at the upcoming High Noon event. In case you forgot, that is a match that’s pretty famous around here, in which teams of four (or five, or hell, as many as your little heart desires.) strive to win in an extended elimination match that is not unlike some sort of Series of Survival. We based a whole show around it, seriously, where have you people been? The Prez continues to keep a low profile, at least when he isn’t randomly running in to attack Doc, but you have to assume he’ll be there with the Administration. The only question is the identity of the fourth team member: Will he throw Agent Bulldog out there or risk Becky With the Evil Hair‘s #1 title contender status against a team of much larger opponents? Will he bring in a ringer, like last time? Has Tyrannosaurus Plex mended fences with the administration? Hell, I dunno, are The Scorpions back in town? I guess we’ll find out at High Noon, live on Twitch on March 5 and whatnot.
Speaking of upcoming shows, we’ve got one of our own coming up, possibly next week, but who fuckin’ knows. (see kayfabe-breaking note at the end of this post) We already went over this in the last post, but No Escape 2023 marks our return to the Frank Lucas Arena, as well as the return of the diabolical Purgatory Cage match, and here’s the card, minus two unannounced mystery matches and whatever dark matches we decide to throw out there:
Cruiserweight Five-Way Elimination Match: Uno Muerte vs. Froggy Terry vs. Cobra Nightraven vs. Agent Fang vs. a mystery “Joker” opponent
Women’s Five-Way Elimination Match: The Phantom Rocker vs. Twilight Princess Zelda vs. Deadly Nightshade vs. Ludmilla Grozny vs. another mystery Joker
MOSES Showcase: Bone Thug vs. BEAVIS Fukuda
Notoriety Showcase: Toshiyo Nakano vs. Nikuya (Non-Title Match)
STRUGGLE Tag Team Championship: The Grim Reapers (champs – Warrior Pro) vs. The 46 Defenders
Purgatory Cage Match for the STRUGGLE Women’s Championship: Jezebel Grim (champ) vs. Becky With the Evil Hair
We managed to grab a few comments from some of the parties involved in anticipation of the event, and while we weren’t able to reach Billie Cannon or Tyson Heyward for comment, their new t-shirts basically spell it all out:
Speaking of STRUGGLE tag teams being unable to beat the Reapers, The 46 Defenders had this to say:
WALTER GRABOWSKI: Hey Reapers! Listen up, scumbags! You can say everything you wanna say and make all da t-shirts you wanna make, but at da end of da day, da Defenders are da ones who walk da walk! And when me and my nephew Neal pin your shoulders to da mat, and hear da ref go one, two, tree, you will unnerstand what da rest of da NFL has unnerstood for over a hunnerd years! And da 46 Defenders will raise dat championship gold high and take our place along da true greats, guys like Ken Margerum and Brian Baschnagel! We’re gonna dahminate you guys just as Da Chicago Bears – da reigning NFL Draft Champions – have dahminated da NFL! Because defense wins championships, and we are Da 46 Defenders! BEAR DOWN!
Meanwhile across the pond, reigning Queen of Notoriety Nikuya had this to say on the eve of her impending North American debut, versus Toshiyo Nakano, who isn’t technically a STRUGGLE wrestler, in case you forgot. Obviously translated from Japanese:
NIKUYA: It’s funny that they decided to make this a non-title match. Because who even is my opponent? Who cares! It makes no difference! I am the fucking butcher! No one can beat me. No one here can beat me, and no one over there can either. And now, the Americans will see why. They’ll see the sort of things I’m capable of. They’ll see what I do to people. So no matter who my opponent is, whether it’s one of their half-trained, bleached-blonde bitches or some sad, elderly woman who should’ve retired a decade ago, the match doesn’t matter. What matters is the aftermath. Because when I’m done with whoever the hell my opponent is, there may not be enough left of them to save.
Finally, we caught up with the two principles in the big cage match for the women’s title, first risking life and limb to catch the champ taking target practice alongside roommate/sidekick Toshiyo Nakano, out in the frozen wilds of Grim Holler.
JEZEBEL: What? Y’all want some kinda statement? Cool, whatever. Here, hold this.
TOSHIYO: What!? I–I-
(JEZEBEL casually hands TOSHIYO a real-ass assault rifle, and not exactly coming from the same hillbilly culture, TOSHIYO immediately looks shocked and horrified, holding it away from herself as though she’s just been handed a ticking timebomb)
JEZEBEL: Listen, Becky. If you- (she looks over at TOSHIYO’s whole situation) Oh for fuck’s sake…
(JEZEBEL casually takes back the rifle, removes the magazine, and inspects the chamber for any stray rounds with a quickness and ease that suggests she’s been doing this since she was a toddler, because she has. She goes to hand the weapon back to TOSHIYO, who rapidly shakes her head in refusal. Through no fault of her own, JEZEBEL spends the rest of the promo brandishing a deadly weapon as a result.)
JEZEBEL: (sighs) Anyway… BECKY! I bet you thought you really had something, didn’t you? If you couldn’t get any outside help during the match, you’d do it before. Smart, I’ll give you that. But you see me now? Do you see me on crutches!? Do I look like I’m about to tell y’all I gotta vacate the title!? Hell no! You didn’t take me out! All you did was piss me off! In scientific terms, you done fucked up, little girl. You’re about to be locked up in a cage with someone who makes police dogs nervous, and you gave me every reason to fuck your skinny ass up! Raaaarrgh!
(JEZEBEL angrily slams the clip back into the rifle and rapidly empties it into some unseen target off screen, and looks silently super-pissed for a moment, before finally looking rather bemused.)
JEZEBEL: Ya know… All my life I heard the same damn thing… “Jessie, if you don’t quit carryin’ on like that, ‘fore too long, you’re gonna end up in a cell!” Heh… Ain’t that some shit…
Meanwhile, we join the other, more evil half of the match, where Becky With the Evil Hair trains for the upcoming match with the assistance of Agent Bulldog and under the watchful eye of First Lady Evil.
FIRST LADY: What are you doing!? Aim LOW! We didn’t take out her knees for you to go straight for the head! If she can’t stand, she can’t fight! Then, you go for the head. Anyway, take a break, those idiots want you to say things.
BECKY: Jezebel. You really thought you got one over on us by getting our match put into a cage, didn’t you? What, do you actually think you can beat me one on one? Ha. In case you forgot, you needed three extra people to steal that belt from me. But guess what? Now, it’s just you and me, and neither Granny Knee Surgery or her helpless little cousin can save you this time. And furthermore? This match has no rules. None whatsoever. So you’re going to finally see what I can do without a referee getting in the way. You’re going to see what happens when I don’t hold back. And ohhh boy do, I have plans!
(BECKY starts pulling out a startlingly wide array of weaponry from off camera, starting with a steel chair)
BECKY: Because ever since you stole that belt from me, (she passes the chair to AGENT BULLDOG) I’ve had nothing but time. (She pulls out a barbed wire bat and studies it for a second, before tossing it to BULLDOG, taking absolutely no care with which end gets there first, resulting in BULLDOG’s arms getting all cut up) Time to think about what I would do to get my belt back. (She brandishes a sledgehammer for a moment, before tossing it to BULLDOG, who struggles to catch it while also still holding the chair and the bat) Time to think about revenge. (she brings up a cinderblock and eyes it for a second, before haphazardly tossing it to BULLDOG, where it hits the chair with a loud clang, but she still manages to catch it) Time to think about all the wonderful, horrible things I could do to you.
(BECKY finally pulls up some sort of fucked-up medieval mace that she looks at and nods in satisfaction, before hurling it carelessly toward BULLDOG, who finally drops the bat, hammer, and cinderblock, and just barely brings the chair up in time to keep her face from getting caved in by the mace. As a bloody-armed and wide-eyed BULLDOG stands over a pile of discarded weapons, BECKY eyes her with disgust.)
8BECKY: Ugh, useless… But Jezebel, here’s what you need to do right now. Go home. Go back to your ancestral lands of hog-stickin’ and cousin-fuckin’, or whatever it is that you freaks do out there. And you go to every one of your disgusting relatives, every little cousin and all your meemaws and peepaws or whatever, and it shouldn’t take long, because you’ve probably got the kind of family tree that doesn’t branch. You go to them, and you tell them goodbye. Because at No Escape? I’m going to end you.
At this point. We accidentally left the cameras running a little too long, so get ready for a refreshingly brief installment of…
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(After the promo, BECKY just kind of peaces out, leaving BULLDOG to pick up the pile of weapons that just got hurled at her. As she reaches down for the literal medieval mace, she notices FIRST LADY EVIL standing over her, then stands at attention. )
BULLDOG: Ma’am.
FIRST LADY: Bulldog… Do you value your job here?
BULLDOG: (nervously) Y-yes ma’am.
FIRST LADY: …And you’d do anything within you power to maintain your spot within the Administration?
BULLDOG: Yes ma’am.
FIRST LADY: Good. With that in mind? Find me a way into that fucking cage.
KAYFABE-BREAKING UPDATE
As of right now, the plan is for this show to happen this weekend, but dudes, my internet remains not unlike hot garbage, and it all depends on whether or not we can get someone from the cable company to shimmy up the pole and fix things before then. I can barely watch a YouTube video at 144p at this point, so I’m going out on a limb to say that streaming at 1080p is out of the question with things as they are right now. So the current schedule is basically ¯\_(ツ)_/¯