This show results post is about nine years late, so let’s all just go watch the show so we can remember what happened, then come back here to take a look back at one of STRUGGLE’s best ever nights in terms of nerdy match ratings and one of our worst in terms of hideous, bloody violence. Good times.
DARK MATCH #1: The Korn Demon defeated Business Clown in 12:12 with a jumping powerbomb – NERD RATING: 80% ⭐⭐⭐
At some point, we realized that the actual show card had absolutely no men’s heavyweight matches on it, so we decided to forgo the usual dark match format of trainees and free agents to let some of the would-be main event guys get to the pay window. In this one, the Demon made his first appearance since losing the EWX title, and while hip opponent was game, he eventually just said “Clown you ain’t shit, turn around, get your face split” and took this one over.
DARK MATCH #2: Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble defeated Black Panther Mask in 23:18 with the Salvation Lock – NERD RATING: 98% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
While Humble has always competed at a high level, the result of this one was a pretty big surprise, as BPM had been climbing the mostly-theoretical ranks for a while and is considered one of our absolute top guys at this point. In the end, a big difference maker may have been Humble engaging in the DAMN NUMBERS GAME as always, while BPM left his B.A.R.S. teammates at home.
DARK MATCH #3: Big dick Fuchs defeated Skip Legday in 32:23 with Big Dick Energy – NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Speaking of the power of managers, this may be the match that puts Fuchs on the map, now that he’s under the tutelage (and aided by the constant interference of) Johnny San Diego. After being a guy who simply couldn’t lose for a long time, Skip is really reeling as of late, and his frustration showed, as he was the one who started slinging chairs around, as opposed to the big Texan who never had any real problem being a rule-breaker.
NO ESCAPE 2023
MATCH #1: Ludmilla Grozny defeated Darkside of PARTY TIGER, Twilight Princess Zelda, Deadly Nightshade, and The Phantom Rocker in a 5-Way Elimination Match in 51:42 – NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This match featured a surprise fifth competitor, with a newly completely nasty PARTY TIGER returning from suspension after fireballing the shit out of Taco Belle, who hasn’t been heard from since. (And the Taco Belfry people keep saying they’ll send us a new Belle soon, which is concerning) While TIGER’s horrifying new sharp object-obsessed approach to matches was the big story here, causing the match to degenerate into an absolute bloodbath, it ended up being a coming-out party for the Russian Assassin. After being quiet for a while, Grozny Enterprises has joined the First Class Family as a faction making a lot of noise lately, and that’s even with golden child Dimitri barely being seen lately.
MATCH #2: Tyrannosaurus Plex defeated William Nilly by Ring Out in 8:45 – NERD RATING: 76% ⭐⭐1/2⭐
Oh yeah, I’m thinking the Suplex Tyrant is back. This was an absolute shit-kicking, and after being laid low by the Pterodactyl Wing outside the ring for the countout, poor fleshy-pants boy had be carried out by medical personnel.
MATCH #3: Immortan Jimmy defeated Uno Muerte, Cobra Nightraven, Agent Fang, & Froggy Terry in a 5-Way Elimination Match in 25:36 – NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was the absolute opposite of the women’s five-way, as it went more or less exactly as planned, with the five under-205s putting on a lightning-speed aerial display, with suprise Joker entrant Immortan Jimmy returning in victorious fashion, hitting multiple double-lotation moonsaults in a shockingly short match. Agent Fang made a good showing, but was the second guy eliminated. While this validates his “#2 Guy” t-shirt, it bodes poorly for his chances of regaining the title from Tupac Machine any time soon.
MATCH #4: The Coke Brothers defeated The Harbingers in 23:08 when Ross hit Calamity with a diving elbow drop – NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
One of the big themes of the night was the return of missing wrestlers, and the Tri-State Area’s two most beloved hopeless dope fiends were the triumphant prodigal sons this time. An important thing to note is that they never actually exercised their rematch clause after dropping the belts to the Grim Reapers, (in one of the all-time classic matches) and are still at or near the top of the tag team restlewrankings, even after a bizarrely-long disappearance.
MATCH #5: Nikuya defeated Toshiyo Nakano in 12:34 with the Meat Hook – NERD RATING: 78% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This… This was an absolute debacle that kind of shit on what was otherwise a pretty fun show. Toshiyo is a solid-but-unspectacular, middle-of-the-road talent, and was just absolutely outclassed here by the reigning Queen of Notoriety, an absolute monster who looks utterly unbeatable right now. That should’ve been enough, but Nikuya was literally out for blood, and this was more of an assault than a wrestling match. After toying with her opponent for an uncomfortable length of time, Nikuya finally made an end of it, but kept the attack going after the bell, until J-Gun teammates Yumiko La Grange and Jezebel Grim rushed the ring. Nakano was taken to a local hospital after the match, having suffered a severe concussion and multiple broken ribs.
TALES OF THE VISIBLE IN-RING CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: Being outnumbered three-to-one between YUMIKO LA GRANGE, JEZEBEL GRIM, and referee BROWN SHOES, NIKUYA finally relents in her post-match assault on a motionless TOSHIYO NAKANO, but doesn’t leave the ring. As JEZEBEL and BROWN SHOES tend to a fallen NAKANO, the audience senses the tension, as a staredown begins between the Notoriety champion and the multiple-time STRUGGLE Women’s Champion. From here on, everything has been translated from Japanese)
NIKUYA: Do it! Come on, you old bitch! Do it!
YUMIKO: …
NIKUYA: What is it? Come on, old woman! Hit me! Hit me and see what fucking happens!
YUMIKO: Is this how it is now? Nodawa couldn’t get me, so he sent his goons after my family?
NIKUYA: Ha! Hardly. That? (pointing toward TOSHIYO) That was just to remind your idiot cousin who she works for. And you should keep what happened to her in mind, grandma.
(YUMIKO looks absolutely furious, and the crowd is electric and she moves closer, fists shaking, as the two are almost nose-to-nose. Meanwhile, NIKUYA grins from ear to ear, looking completely psychotic)
NIKUYA: You still won’t hit me, grandma. Is it because you know what’ll happen? Are you… Afraid?
YUMIKO: …
NIKUYA: (laughing) You are! Don’t be ashamed, grandma! That’s a good thing! It means you’re not as stupid as you look! (she leans in even closer, putting her mouth right next to the ear of YUMIKO, who doesn’t move) …Because someday, I’ll come for you, grandma. And when I do? You’ll wish you just ended up like that dumb bitch over there. I’ll expose you as a fraud. I’ll cripple you. I’m gonna end you, grandma.
(NIKUYA kind of pats YUMIKO on the cheek a couple of times and leaves the ring, laughing all the way as a visibly-shaken YUMIKO says nothing)
MATCH #6: Bone Thug defeated BEAVIS Fukuda in 14:52 with an imploding Firebird Splash – NERD RATING” 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was a nice palette cleanser after the previous horror show, with two of MOSES’s more talented cruiserweights put on an absolute classic. (I don’t think we’ve ever had a show with more nerd-anointed five-star matches) Fukuda got over huge with the crowd at the Frank Lucas Arena, winning over the locals with a combination of fun offense, early 1990s nostalgia, and relentless attacks to his supposedly-villainous opponent’s yam bag. Speaking of Bone Thug, one might possibly expect more of his Black MOSES squad-mates to make an appearance around these parts very soon, but y’all didn’t hear that from me.
MATCH #7: The 46 Defenders defeated The Grim Reapers in 20:08 to become the NEWWWWWW STRUGGLE Tag Team Champions with Walter Grabowski hit Tyson Heyward with the O’Bradovich – NERD RATING: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐1/2⭐
Finally, our long national nightmare is over, and has become a nightmare more localized around the greater Chicagoland area. I feel like sometimes, we just look at this two guys and think of them as ridiculous bozos and forget that Neal Grabowski is actually an extremely skilled comptetitor and that Walter Grabowski hits like a runaway truck full of Polish sausage. What remains to be seen, however, is whether or not the Defenders will succeed where BIG BOI SEASON, Team Twizzy, and the Coke Brothers failed, and actually successfully defend the belts at least once, rather than just shit the bed on their first defense.
On a related-note, the less heart attack prone member of their family, Ryan Grabowski, is expected to be part of the next Hoss Dojo graduating class, but nothing has been made official as far as whether or not there will be another Graduation Day event.
COMMERCIAL BREAK! – We had to buy the intrepid ring crew time to put up the Purgatory Cage, as well as consider eventually paying some bills. I forgot to highlight that part, and I don’t feel like doing it now, though.
MATCH #8 – PURGATORY CAGE MATCH: Jezebel Grim defeated Becky With the Evil Hair in 48:38 with a Choke Slam to retain the STRUGGLE women’s Championship –NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
I feel like I overuse this term sometimes, but this match was a fucking WAR. After the better part of an hour, both women left everything they had in that cage, both in terms of using every move at their disposal and weapon underneath the ring as well as in terms of blood loss. It almost resembled a normal wrestling match for a while, until Becky actually pulled a goddamn medieval mace out from god-knows-where, eventually resulting in the third match of the night that attempted to ensure that we were never able to use that particular ring canvas, ever again. An absolutely wild scene played out toward the end, with Ancient Gus getting knocked down momentarily, followed by a “ring crew member” who ended up being The Evil Administration’s Agent Bulldog attempting to interfere, before getting damn near put through the steel ramp when Jezebel’s gigantic older sister Lorelei intervened.
In the end, however, even this ended up being a smokescreen, as Lorelei came into the ring after the match to seemingly celebrate Jezebel’s big win, only to turn on her own flesh and blood, delivering a violent power bomb that bounced Jezebel’s head off the mat like a basketball, knocking her out momentarily. After the match, Lorelei left the building immediately, refusing to explain her actions or really even make eye contact with anyone backstage. As for Jezebel, once she was back on her feet, she refused medical attention, despite showing clear signs of potentially severe head, neck, and knee injuries. As of press time, she’s still has given us any update, and we’re currently weighing our options as far as her status as both an active wrestler and as women’s champion. It sucks, it’s bullshit, but if she can’t go for an extended period of time, we’ll have to figure out something regarding the title, whether it involves her or not.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(THE SCENE: In the locker room after the match, AGENT BULLDOG and a bloody BECKY WITH THE EVIL HAIR sit on a bench, looking hurt, embarrassed, and a little afraid as an incensed FIRST LADY EVIL paces back and forth in front of them, not saying a word for an uncomfortably long stretch of time)
FIRST LADY EVIL: So is that it? Nothing? You two have nothing to say for yourselves?
BULLDOG and BECKY: …
FIRST LADY: (Eerily calmly) Well, okay then.
BULLDOG: Ma’am, if I may-
FIRST LADY: SILENCE! Silence when you speak to me!
(BULLDOG flinches like the First Lady just took a swing at her)
FIRST LADY: You had ONE! FUCKING! JOB! Get into that cage! How fucking hard is that!?
BULLDOG: B-but ma’am, Lorelei-
FIRST LADY: Lorelei what!? Ohhhhh, that’s right, you got beaten up by that big, fat, hillbilly bitch – WHO ENDED UP TAKING OUT YOUR TARGET FOR YOU!
BECKY: Yeah! And you left me all alone in there, while-
FIRST LADY: Oh, you shut up, Becky! SHUT THE FUCK UP! You were alone in there with Jezebel!? Oh, boo fucking hoo! She was alone in there with you! And she was hurt! What happened to attacking the leg, Becky!? Huh!? The issue here isn’t that Bulldog sucks ass, the issue is that you failed! AND FAILURE WILL NOT BE FUCKING TOLERATED ANYMORE!
(long, uncomfortable silence, while the First Lady calms down and the two wrestlers desperately try to avoid eye contact)
FIRST LADY: Listen… Here’s what’s going to happen. Next show? We’re going to have us a little match. You versus you. Becky versus Bulldog, and anything goes. And you had both lean into that “anything goes” stipulation, because after the match? Only one woman will leave that ring as a member of the Evil Administration.
(Another long silence breaks out, until BULLDOG finally speaks)
BULLDOG: Ma’am? Permission to speak freely?
FIRST LADY: Why do you talk like that?
BULLDOG: …
FIRST LADY: (sighs) Permission granted. (under her breath) Fuckin’ weirdo.
BULLDOG: Ma’am, I would just like to point out that Becky here, while she may have lost the women’s title and failed to regain it, has served the Administration faithfully and at times, admirably.
(Both BECKY and the FIRST lady look confused)
BULLDOG: …And I would just like to say that in light of her service, it may be a mistake to fire her so casually.
(BECKY gets a shocked expression, while the FIRST LADY raises an eyebrow, as BULLDOG rises to her feet and starts to stare BECKY down)
BULLDOG: …Because you never belonged here, and I’m gonna kick your ass out of this organization, and bitch, you’re gonna have to carry your own bags from now on.
(BULLDOG spits on the floor, dangerously close to BECKY’s feet and stomps out of the locker room, while both BECKY and the FIRST LADY look shocked and confused)
BECKY: I… I didn’t know she had that in her.
AGENT 35 (who has apparently been sitting across the room this entire time): She got that dawg in her!
FIRST LADY: Shut the fuck up, 35.
35: Shutting up now.