After serving the Tri-State area as a police officer for twenty years, Garfield Vanzetti was able to take the fruits of his labor (he inherited his parents’ chain of hardware stores and sold it immediately to venture capitalists, who closed them all within three weeks) and retire, buying a big piece of land out in Grim Holler and putting a modestly-sized McMansion on it. He was living the dream: a big house with a full Crossfit gym in the three-car garage, a wife half his age, plenty of land to strip bare of trees and obsessively mow with his $12,000 top-end lawn tractor, and time and money to explore his true passion, which is collecting “tactical” gear and pretending to be a war veteran on Facebook. The only problem? All these damn hillbilies. He found himself constantly butting heads with the locals, who had gotten the strange idea that he was going to start getting all his city-slicker friends to move out to the Holler and gentrify the place, which was true, but still. When Grim Holler Wrasslin’ was founded, he jumped at the chance to defeat his neighbors with the latest techniques in tactical martial arts, but he learned them from a dojo in a strip mall, so he mostly just kicks them in the crotch a lot. Husband of STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling star Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti, (who refuses to wrestle in GHW, due to the filthy ring and lack of air conditioning) and blissfully unaware that’s she’s been cheating on him with pretty much anything with a pulse and a Y chromosome for years.

Hey look, someone made him on this weird wrestling game!

CURRENT WON-LOSS RECORD: 3-0-0

Opponent	W/L	Rating
Strauss	W	2.5⭐
Skip Legday	W	2.5⭐
Uncle Smelly	W	3.5⭐