First of all, Shelter in Place Tour #1 was a pretty emphatic success for us, which is a rare occurrence, and as far as we can tell, no one got any diseases they didn’t already have. I guess we’ll know for sure in like 12-14 days, though. As always, cards are subject to change, but here’s the tentative card for #2, which is going to happen… eventually… at some point. Yeah.
- Super C-Cup 2020: Jackson Victory vs. Uno Muerte
- Yass Kweendom 2020: Lorelei Grim vs. Virginia Slams
- Super C-Cup 2020: Radical Jeremy vs. Tupac Machine
- Yass Kweendom 2020: Pam From Human Resources vs. Donita Zapata
- Yass Kweendom 2020: Agent Bulldog vs. Yumiko La Grange
- FIRST TIME ON NORTH AMERICAN SOIL IN OVER TWENTY YEARS: Kazushi Maeda vs. Ugly, Stupid Bob
- Decline of Western Civilzation: Toxic Walt vs. Screaming Rage Man (Million-Billion Light tubes Deathmatch)
- Decline of Western Civilzation: Pitbull Van Scorpio vs. The Korn Demon (Million-Billion Light tubes Deathmatch)
As you can see, we’re really trying to plow through these title tournaments, especially after the deathmatch title one has literally been going on for like a year now. An announcement about a tag tournament is coming soon, but we still don’t have a physical world title belt in hand. Which is sad, but what can you do.
Also of note is that Kaz Maeda is finally making his STRUGGLE debut. The whole COVID-19 is kinda fucking with international travel, so the STRUGGLE/Hyper Pro Wrestling MOSES talent exchange isn’t really going as planned. Maeda and Toshiyo Nakano are safely here in the South Central Tri-State Area, but Sargent MOSES and Dai Chungus had some delays with translators and visas, and by the time they got their shit together, no flights were happening. So if they ever show up here, it probably won’t be any time this year. On our end, none of our people made it out of the country in time, so this ended up being a one-sided deal so far. Also, Stormy Knight is fucking pissed, because she gave up her spot in the women’s title tournament for this.
Meanwhile, Crawdad Hoshino… I don’t know what to say there. Maeda and Nakano made their own arrangements, as they both speak enough English to handle their own business here, but Crawdad seemed to insist that she knows more of the language than she actually does, and well… We do know that she’s somewhere in the continental United States, but that’s about it. We get occasional phone calls from her updating the situation, but we honestly have no fucking idea where she is. She’s doing some weird shit where she’s refusing to speak Japanese or listen to anyone who does, so the most that anyone’s been able to get out of her was the she is “very toaster.” no one knows what that means, but she sounded really happy about it, I guess.
The last show was light on injuries, but Hoda Duda-Day has some neck soreness after Bulldog dropped her on her head, and will probably sit out a show or two, but it’s no biggie.
Concerning pre-existing conditions, Skip Legday is almost 100% after Garfield Vanzetti smooshed his balls with a steel-toed boot. No word on the exact timetable for his return, but it probably won’t be too long. I would ask you to offer thoughts and prayers for Vanzetti, but fuck him.
Immortan Jimmy remains comatose and still shows no brain activity after nine years, so the cruiserweight title #1 contender is considered day-to-day.
As for Ricky Coke, who has been out for about a year after Crash Ferrari broke his neck, there have been no updates, honestly. But there is a recently-leaked video of him doing lines directly off the ass of a well-respected Bolivian Instagram influencer, (not linking to it, pervs) which seems to suggest that he’s just fine and will probably show back up whenever she figures out that his dad cut him and Ross off years ago, and that he’s flat broke. Hopefully this happens soon, because Ross’s cocaine psychosis has been completely out of control lately, and he could use the positive influence of his somewhat less cocaine-psychotic brother.
