THE SCENE: The Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn. In the empty arena, STRUGGLE Pro wrestler, self-proclaimed “world’s greatest patriot,” and Facebook valor-thief GARFIELD VANZETTI stands in the ring holding a microphone. He is flanked by his wife, PATIENCE HALLIBURTON-VANZETTI and his weird little sidekick guy, BUFORD RANDALL. BUFORD stands at attention, as though either man had ever been involved in the military in any way whatsoever, and a visibly bored PATIENCE just kind of dicks around on her phone. Elsewhere, BUDDY FROM THE RING CREW records the whole scene.
GARFIELD: My fellow countrymen, these are dark times. This once-great nation stands on the precipice of disaster, as a fraudulent election and a completely-fabricated pandemic have-
(PATIENCE’s phone starts ringing, loudly playing “Jungle Love” by Morris Day and the Time)
GARFIELD: You didn’t put it on silent? I thought we talked about this?
(PATIENCE answers the phone, shoots him a look, and holds up a finger in the universal sign of “shut up, I’m on the phone”)
PATIENCE: Hey, look, I can’t talk right now, Garfield’s doing a… A thing, I dunno. (Whispering) And goddammit, I told you not to call this phone during the day!
GARFIELD: Wait, who is that?
PATIENCE: Oh. It’s… Uhh… Jane. Jane from… The office?
GARFIELD: Well, tell Jane you’ll call her back.
PATIENCE: (to the phone) Yeah, I gotta go, I’ll talk you later. (Whispering again) See you tonight, stud.
GARFIELD: Okay, so where was I… My fellow Americans, now is a time when we must-
(BUFORD’s phone starts ringing. It’s an early 2000s model Nokia – because he read online that the deep state can’t listen in on those – and it’s playing a MIDI version of Hanson’s “Mmm-Bop,” which he swears came with the phone)
GARFIELD: Really!? Don’t answer that!
BUFORD: But it’s my mom.
GARFIELD: I don’t care!
BUFORD: She only calls this phone in emergencies.
GARFIELD: Just pull out the goddamn battery!
BUFORD: (fumbling around with the back panel of the phone) Yes sir, immediately sir.
BUDDY: (over the PA system) Uhh, speaking of batteries, you need to wrap this up, this thing’s about to die.
GARFIELD: Okay! So. In these trying times, yadda yadda yadda, I am pleased to announce on behalf of my family, my country and STRUGGLE Pro Wrestling that my neck has fully healed, and I shall soon return to active competition. And with Buford by my side, The True Sons of Liberty are entering the Wild Card Challenge, where we shall inevitably earn a spot in the tag team championship tournament, and bring the gold back where it belongs.
BUFORD: And I’d just like to say that-
GARFIELD: …And as champion, I shall restore honor and integrity to this great sport, just as I did when I ended the careers of the seditious anarchists, Skip Legday and Captain STRUGGLE! United we stand! Guns, country, family, guns, God, freedom, guns! THIS I’LL DEFEND!
(At this point, it seems as though the promo is over, when all of a sudden, STRUGGLE Pro announcer, backstage interviewer, office gofer etc., MURRAY STADANKOWICZ walks out and enters the ring.)
GARFIELD: Wait, what is this? Why are you here?
MURRAY: Well, we have a special announcement to make, and just figured that as long as we have the cameras set up, we might as well do it now.
GARFIELD: But this is my promo! This is my time!
MURRAY: But I thought you were done. You said your catch phrase and everything.
GARFIELD: Well, I mean… Yeah, I guess.
MURRAY: Super great! Ladies and gentlemen! I have an exciting announcement! After a long delay, the wait is finally over! Now that they have finished their contractual obligations in Minneapolis and Portland, we can finally announce the arrival of the hottest free agent tag team in professional wrestling! Welcome to STRUGGLE Pro for the first time ever – they’ve never wrestled here in any capacity, folks – at a total combined weight of 461 pounds, introducing Skull Mayday and Comrade DIRECT ACTION: The Outside Agitators!
GARFIELD: Wait, what!?
(“Sleep Now in the Fire” by Rage Against the Machine blares over the PA system, as two black-clad masked wrestlers enter the arena. One is a cruiserweight whose lucha-style mask has an elaborate horned design, and the other is a heavily-tanned and almost absurdly muscular man with contradictory spindly legs. The closest physical comparison for the two would be CAPTAIN STRUGGLE and SKIP LEGDAY, like the resemblance is almost uncanny. Upon seeing the duo, GARFIELD is immediately livid.)
GARFIELD: What is the meaning of this! That’s clearly Skip Legday and Captain STRUGGLE! I have a restraining order!
MURRAY: What? No, these are two other guys! Come on, look at their masks!
GARFIELD: Butbutbut- Captain didn’t even get a new mask! I can still smell the spray paint!
COMRADE DIRECT ACTION: Ah, Captain STRUGGLE. I know he cool because I meet him in jail! He just like the Comrade, except he very ugly! That why he wear mask!
GARFIELD: What the hell are you even talking about!? And you! There’s no way you’re not Skip! The legs! Look at your legs! Your skinny little legs!!
SKULL MAYDAY: Speaking of skinny… Heard you just got over some kinda neck injury. Maybe if you had some traps, that wouldn’t have happened, bro. Looking pretty scrawny there, little man.
GARFIELD: Scrawny!? I was the 2015 Tri-State Area Over 40 Crossfit champion! I am the perfect human weapon!
SKULL: Well, you know. Maybe if you knocked off all the New Age nonsense and did some real lifting, you’d have some actual mass.
GARFIELD: Wha- Bu- Guh- (his speech degrades momentarily into a bunch of exasperated consonant sounds that do not resemble any known human language)
SKULL: Just saying, bro.
GARFIELD: I demand these two men be removed from the building at once! I HAVE A RESTRAINING ORDER!
COMRADE: Not against us.
GARFIELD: You little… Argh! THIS ISN’T OVER!
SKULL: Not by a long shot.
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, The Outside Agitators!