THE SCENE: STRUGGLE President Nate Ruggle and wrestler Uno Muerte stand in front of STRUGGLE headquarters, aka the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn. Backstage Interviewer/Announcer/Executive Vice President/etc. Murray Stadankowicz is filming them with his cell phone, while head booker/building maintenance supervisor Uncle Abdul looks on.
NATE: Okay, are we ready to do this yet? (Murray gives him a thumbs up) Just make sure your finger isn’t in front of the camera this time. Okay, here we go. STRUGGLE Pro is proud to announce that, in cooperation with Lucha POWER and Warrior-
UNO: Ayo, dude, wait.
NATE: What?
UNO: His thumb’s in front of the camera.
MURRAY: Sorry!
NATE: Seriously!? That’s like the third time!
ABDUL: Welp, technically, he did keep his finger out, I guess.
NATE: Okay, one more try. Let’s see if we can get more than a sentence in this time.
NATE: STRUGGLE Pro is proud to announce that, in collaboration with Lucha POWER and Warrior Pro, our own Uno Muerte will be in action at LUCHA FANTASTICO, streaming live on Twitch on March 12. This is a great opportunity for Uno and all of us at STRUGGLE, as we here have worked hard over the last year to prove that this company can return to prominence in the national – or in this case, international – wrestling scene. Furthermore, we-
UNO: Wait, Holmes, did you say “international?”
NATE: Uhh, yeah, the show’s in Mexico.
UNO: WHAT!?
NATE: Um, I, uhhh… Is that a problem? I mean, aren’t you from there?
UNO: (nervously) Well, I mean, yeah, but… That’s a long way away, dude. You know… I’d… I’d probably have to fly to get there.
NATE: Well, yeah. We’re – (back toward the camera) Murray, stop recording this.
MURRAY: Don’t worry boss, I’m getting all of it! (grins and gives another big thumbs up)
NATE: (frowns at Murray, and almost says something, but realizes it’s hopeless and turns back towards Uno) We’re going to pay for it, so it’s no big deal.
UNO: No, but… But… (fidgeting nervously) What if it crashes, man?
NATE: The plane isn’t going to crash.
UNO: That’s what everyone says until their fuckin’ plane crashes, dude!
NATE: (sighs) Look, people fly all the time, thousands every day,
UNO: And I got one in 5.4 million odds!
NATE: Did… Did you know that off the top of your head?
UNO: It’s important information to have, dude! Every time someone flies without crashing, that brings it one closer to the 5.4! I’m gonna be on that five-point-four-millionth plane! I’m gonna be the one, Nate!
NATE: Look, just calm down, it’s not that big a-
UNO: No, you calm down!
NATE: What?
ABDUL: Welp, think he’s about to lose his shit, boss.
UNO: (shaking) Oh man, oh an, oh man, ay dios mio, I’m gonna fuckin’ die, man!
ABDUL: …and therrrre it goooooes.
NATE: (angrily) That’s not helping!
UNO: (hyperventilating) Ohmygodohmygod, I’m havin’ a panic attack, dude!
(Suddenly, amidst all the chaos, (which Murray is still recording) The Guy in the Bad Brains Shirt Who Sells dope Out of His Hatchback appears.)
THE GUY: Oh wow, hey dudes.
NATE: Uhh, hi? Look, this probably isn’t a good time.
THE GUY: Damn, your lil masked buddy is really freakin’ out over there, dude.
NATE: …Which is why this is a bad time for… Wait, what are you doing here anyway? Do you live here?
THE DUDE: (blows out a massive plume of smoke that he had apparently been holding in for a very long time) Naw, man, I just work here. Hey listen, you want me to take care of this?
NATE: (confused) I… Uhhh… How?
THE GUY: Check it out, man. Hey masked dude!
UNO: Ahh! What the hell! Who are you!?
THE GUY: Just a friend, man. Say, do you like… gummy bears?
UNO: (still shaking in full-body terror) I… I love them.
THE GUY: Come over to my hatchback, man. i got some special ones you oughtta try.
UNO: But-butbutbut it’s all the way across the parking lot! We could get hit by a car! Or attacked by a bear!
THE GUY: (puts his arm around Uno and starts to guide him away) Just come on, dude. (they exit the scene together)
ABDUL: Well, I’d say that went better than expected.
NATE: Jesus Christ. I dunno, I guess we’ll try this again once he calms down.
ABDUL: Hell, if what I heard about them gummies is true, it’ll be tomorrow at the earliest, boss.
NATE: (sighs) Maybe we’ll just put out a press release instead. (turns toward Murray, who is tapping away on his phone) Wait, Murray, what are you doing?
MURRAY: Just finishing this thing up, Nate. (grins again and gives yet another big thumbs up)
NATE: Wait, what!? no, no, no, do not send that video to anyone! Delete it before anyone sees it!
MURRAY: (slowly looking up from the phone with a worried look on his face) Uhh… Now, Nate… don’t be mad at me…
NATE: Oh my god.