The second night of our non-tour didn’t exactly go as planned, but no one died, at least. I mean, at least one guy almost died, but close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, you know? anyway, go watch that there video up there, which isn’t going away until Twitch goes away, then read words below, or through a link below, or however the hell it works.
HOSS DOJO DARK MATCH: Cobra Highway defeated The Harbingers in 22:37 when Fitzcarraldo Kinski used a Regal Stretch on Harbinger Calamity|
Nerd Rating: 90% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
As much as I hate to say it, both of these teams looked pretty much ready for prime time, even if one is a couple of fuckin’ creeps and the other team is a senior citizen and an angelically-dusted maniac. If I had known they weren’t going to embarrass themselves, I’d have let them go on once a crowd had shown up. Eh, I’m sure they’ll have plenty of chances to embarrass themselves from here.
MATCH #1 – SUPER C-CUP 2020: #2 Uno Muerte defeated #6 Jackson Victory in 9:21 with Coquietando Con El Desastre
Nerd Rating: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Just solid, nonstop, high-speed action; probably one of the best matches that’s happened since the ill-advised decision to open the company back up. It was anyone’s fight at any point in this, but Muerte got his big move off first, and moves on to fight Rodimus Primo.
Watch FIVE STAR MATCH: Victory vs. Death from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv
MATCH #2 – YASS KWEENDOM 2020: #2 Lorelei Grim defeated #7 Virginia Slams in 4:28 with a Tower Hacker Bomb
Nerd Rating: 68% ⭐ 1/2⭐
On the other hand, this happened. Lorelei just stomped poor Virginia’s nicotine-riddled guts out to make a statement. This puts her in a really good position in the tournament, because with some bullshit that went down, it’s pretty likely that her next opponent will be wrestling twice in one night.
MATCH #3 – SUPER C-CUP 2020: #1 Tupac Machine defeated #8 Radical Jeremy in 4:49 with a Tiger Suplex
Nerd Rating: 77% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This one got crazy right off the bat, as both Jeremy and Pac started swinging chairs early on, but in the end, The Machine showed why he was the #1 seed in this thing, and wiped Jeremy out quick. He moves on to fight Froggy Terry, and Terry might be kinda screwed, y’all.
MATCH #4 – YASS KWEENDOM 2020: #3 Donita Zapata vs. #6 Pam From Human Resources DIDN’T FUCKING HAPPEN
Welp, shoulda known that would happen. Before the bell could even ring, The Phantom Rocker appeared like the goddamn Batman and KO’ed Donita with a steel chair. In the end, we decided to kick Donita out of the tournament, since this is just going to keep happening, and after some shenanigans, the stage is set for her to fight the Phantom in a Hair Metal vs. Mask match. It’ll make sense, honest. As for the tournament, Stormy Knight, Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti, Zelda Lucabrasi, Taco Belle, and Jezebel Grim all have claims to a spot in this thing, and we’re probably looking at a battle royal/wrestling twice in one night situation. We can’t have nice things, I guess.
MATCH #5: Kazushi Maeda defeated Ugly Stupid Bob by DQ when Bob ran over the damn referee
Nerd Rating: 59% DUD 🤮
I will never understand how ol’ Gus is the referee for all that hardcore blood-match nonsense, when the man is clearly a huge, gigantic pussy. Basically, Bob got whipped into the ropes, Gus couldn’t get out of the way, and when he finally got up, he DQ’ed Bob. So now, even though he was bloody and in the process of getting pinned after an absolutely disgusting fisherman buster, he’s still running around backstage, saying he really won the match, and that he’s the new king of Japanese wrestling or some shit. Pretty sure this can only end with Bob literally dying.
SPORTS-ENTERTAININ’: Garfield Vanzetti Issued a Public Apolgy to “Skip Legday”
This is another “I shoulda known this would happen” deal, and I knew that when he demanded time to issue a public apology to Skip that it wasn’t going to happen. (For starters, Skip wasn’t even there) In the end, “Skip” ended up being cruiserweight division stomping dummy Churd Grunson in a wig and some sort of padded shirt, and he got stomped in the nuts for his troubles. It all had a happy ending though, as Captain STRUGGLE showed up to make good on his promises of revenge from when all this bullshit started.
Watch Highlight: Garfield Vanzetti “Apologizes” to “Skip Legday” from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv
MATCH #6 – DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION MILLION-BILLION LIGHT TUBES DEATHMATCH: Screaming Rage Man defeated Toxic Walt in 9:02 with a torture Rack
Nerd Rating: 80% ⭐⭐⭐
Welp, here’s the “there’s so much evil in the world” part of the show. Walt was as up to the challenge as anyone could be, but to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure anyone in a ring full of broken glass is going to have a chance against Rage Man. The man might be the most unholy monster in pro wrestling right now, and I say that knowing that there’s a seven foot tall man who dresses like the devil on our current roster.
MATCH #7 – DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION MILLION-BILLION LIGHT TUBES DEATHMATCH: The Korn Demon defeated Pitbull Van Scorpio in 24:40 with a Ruby Flowsion
Nerd Rating: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was completely fucking absurd. It wasn’t like the last show, where Toxic Walt and Nasty Dick Bacteria just focused on doing damage and didn’t bother trying to pin each other. These two wanted to win, kept hitting huge moves, and kept kicking out when that would happen. In the end, the Demon just sort of outlasted the Pitbull and moves on to fight Rage Man in an exploding ring. God help us all.
Watch FIVE STAR MATCH: ARE YOU READY TO GET EXTREME? from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv
MATCH #8 – YASS KWEENDOM 2020: #1 Yumiko La Grange defeated #8 Agent Bulldog in 7:38 with Knee Therapy
Nerd Rating: 81% ⭐⭐⭐
Honestly, it was kind of ridiculous for this to go on last after two glass matches, and that was an oversight on my part. On that note, however, I’ve got to give huge credit to the intrepid ring crew for making multiple full canvas changes and sweeping up all that glass and mopping up all the blood in time for this to start in a decent timeframe. In the end, though, what we all thought would happen happened, and Yumiko won off trying to cave the evil girl’s skull in. She goes on to fight PARTY TIGER, who is fortunately too drunk to feel pain.
BONUS TRANSCRIPT FROM THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA: The Family That Evils Together, Stays Together
(THE EVIL ADMINISTRATION, consisting of PRESIDENT EVIL, AGENT BULLDOG, and AGENT FANG are backstage, and EVIL is absolutely furious)
PRESIDENT EVIL: Bulldog!? What the hell was that!?
AGENT BULLDOG: Uhh, well, sir, I, uhh
EVIL: You what!? You LOST! That is absolutely unacceptable!
BULLDOG: Y-yes sir, I know, sir. I-I just-
EVIL: You just what!? Are you seriously about to throw excuses at me, Bulldog!?
BULLDOG: N-no, sir, it’s just, what happened was-
EVIL: What happened was you got your ass kicked! She fucking steamrolled you! You got fucking worked over! That’s what fucking happened! You FAILED! and this organization does not tolerate failure!
BULLDOG: S-sir, I just- I-I tried, and-
EVIL: You what!?
BULLDOG: i just, I’m sorry, and-and-and-AAAAHHH-HAAAUGH-HAAAUUGHHH-HOOOOUUUGHHH-HOOOOOOOO
EVIL: (starting to panic) Oh Jesus Christ, hooo-leee shit, she’s crying. Fang, what the hell do I do!? THERE’S NO CRYING IN WRESTLING!
AGENT FANG: Don’t look at me, you big asshole, you’re the one who did it!
EVIL: (absolutely beyond panicking) Aaahhh, shit, shit, shit! Bulldog! It’s okay! It’s okay!
BULLDOG: AAAUUUGHH-HOOOO-HOO-HOO I’M SORRY, I JUST WANTED TO AAAHHH BLO0-BLOO-BLOOOO-HOOOOO
EVIL: Look at me! Hey! Shhhh, listen, it happens! It’s okay!
BULLDOG: But… But you said failure was unacceptable…
EVIL: Look, I just meant, like… I’m not kicking you out or anything, I’m just saying, that, like… Dammit, Fang, help me out here…
FANG: Like… Losing matches happens, but you shouldn’t accept it. Like… Like you should learn from this, and get better.
EVIL: Yes! Exactly! Damn, that was good. Just use this as a learning experience, and take whatever lesson you learn into the tag team tournament, whenever that happens.
BULLDOG: So… so you’re not mad at me, sir?
EVIL: Disappointed, maybe, but it’s okay. Seriously. I mean, look, Fang’s still my dude, and he didn’t do well enough to even qualify for the stupid cruiserweight tournament.
FANG: Hey!
EVIL: Well, you know, I’m just saying. But yeah, anyway, I kinda overreacted there, but you know, it’ll be okay. Just go get showered up. I stole Ace La Grange’s shitty flip-phone while he was trying to coach up the two Harbinger idiots earlier, and when you get back, we’ll see if we can convince Yumiko that he relapsed again.
BULLDOG: That is high-level evil, sir.
EVIL: (nodding) If you hurry back, I’ll let you send the first faux-coked-up text.
BULLDOG: Thank you, sir. If all goes well, we might get her to try and murder him again.
EVIL: That’s the spirit.