A lot went wrong, but a couple things went right, too? We have an actual champion crowned, and we’re getting dangerously close to having two more. Watch the video, then read about what you saw below.
DARK MATCH: Business Clown defeated Ivan Grozny Jr. in 8:06 with the Market Crash Piledriver
Nerd Rating: 75% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Welp, Ivan the Awful’s kid comes in with a bunch of second-generation “next big thing” hype, and then he gets laid low by a goddamn clown. Wrestling, y’all. If anything, it looks like Ivan Junior could’ve had him a few times, but was just focused more on flexing than actually going for a pin. That’s why we gotta train ’em up before we throw ’em in front of a crowd, folks. That clown is a mean motherfucker.
MATCH #1 – SUPER C-CUP 2020: Rodimus Primo defeated Tupac Machine in 7:38 with the Planeta Retorcido Press
Nerd Rating: 96% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Tournament season has been full of upsets so far, so this shouldn’t have been surprising. But damned if that Machine vs. Muerte final we were all secretly expecting isn’t coming. I never thought I’d be saying this a few weeks ago, but Primo might be able to win this thing. He’s got the touch, and he can win if he dares. Also, there was a pretty big booking screwup here, where Primo was supposed to fight Uno and Pac was supposed to fight Terry, but even after it’s all over, no one seems to be complaining. So we’re just gonna run with it. Professionalism!
MATCH #2 – YASS KWEENDOM 2020 #3 SEED SUPER BATTLE SUPREME: Zelda Lucabrasi defeated Stormy Knight, Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti, Jezebel Grim, and Taco Belle in 10:45
Nerd Rating: 70% ⭐⭐
Oh shit, UNDERDOG ALERT! Zelda overcame some stiff odds here as someone who would arguably still be in the Dojo if it had existed when she signed up. Scary moment when a moonsault caught Jezebel Grim wrong (or just right, depending on your perspective) and she got a couple of broken ribs out if the deal. She keeps insisting that she’s fine, but I’m not booking her any time soon, whether she likes it or not.
INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA TIME!
(BACKSTAGE, head booker UNCLE ABDUL is arguing with wrestler JEZEBEL GRIM, who is kind of hunched over in obvious pain)
JEZEBEL: Look, I’m tellin’ you, I am fine! I coulda finished that match!
ABDUL: You’re not fine! If you were fine, why the hell did you just lay on your face for half the match?
JEZEBEL: Well, y’know… He had already rang the bell, and well, y’know…
ABDUL: You were in too much pain to get up, weren’t you?
JEZEBEL: Well no, it’s just, well, you see…
ABDUL: Uh huh.
(ABDUL casually picks a MEDIUM-SIZED CRESCENT WRENCH off a nearby table and just kinda whips it at an area about a foot to the right of JEZEBEL’s face. With lightning-quick reflexes, she instinctively catches it)
JEZEBEL: AAAUUUURRRGGHHHFUCK
(JEZEBEL immediately falls to the ground, clutching her side)
ABDUL: See? Take a couple o’ weeks off., and come back when you get right.
(JEZEBEL mumbles something unintelligible, then flips him off)
MATCH #3 – SUPER C-CUP 2020: Uno Muerte defeated Froggy Terry in 5:21 with Coquietando Con El Desastre
Nerd Rating: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Well, this went about as expected, although it probably wasn’t as one-sided as the 5:21 match time makes it sound. Uno moves on to the final of a tournament he was always going to be one of the favorites in, and Terry remains a man without a division, too small to do much in the hardcore division, but not flippy enough to make it very far in the cruiserweight division.
SPORTS ENTERTAININ’: A Special Sermon from Billy Wayne Humble
Ugh, this asshole. I guess for a recap, I guess he figured that if the people in the crowd were dumb enough to gather shoulder-to-shoulder in large groups, maybe they’ll be dumb enough to try and cure their diseases with that turpentine bullshit he’s peddling. He’s probably right. Anyway, Tyrannosaurus Plex came out, demonstrated that he knows more about the Bible than the good Reverend, (which was shocking, not because Billy Wayne is supposed to know that shit, but because T-Plex actually formed complete sentences for a minute, with prepositions and whatnot) then challenged him for later in the night. Also, our closed-captioning guy screwed up a whole lot, an we’re all real sorry, or we would be if our fans could read.
MATCH #4: Crash Ferrari defeated Ross Coke Manchoma the Randy Savage PARTY TIGER in 16:48 with a Phoenix Splash (CRITICAL!)
Nerd Rating: 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA TIME AGAIN!
(BACKSTAGE, acting STRUGGLE president NATE RUGGLE is sort of FREAKING OUT, when neither ROSS COKE nor his scheduled emergency replacement, MANCHOMA THE RANDY SAVAGE are anywhere to be seen. UNCLE ABDUL approaches, not quite freaking out, but looking kind of WORRIED and ANNOYED.)
NATE: Abdul! What the hell is going on out there? I mean, I figured Ross wouldn’t be good to go, but I thought Manchoma was supposed to be here!
ABDUL: (sighs) Ah, well, you see… Shit. So you know how Patience wrestled earlier, after she wasn’t originally scheduled?
NATE: Yeah.
ABDUL: …And you know how she ain’t been the most faithful spouse to ol’ Garfield?
NATE: (visibly shudders) Yeah…
ABDUL: Ah, well… Turns out she’s been kinda seeing Crash on the side…
NATE: Oh god…
(Meanwhile, JEZEBEL GRIM sort of walks by, nursing her broken ribs with one hand and a beer bottle with the other)
ABDUL: Well, as it turns out, she’s also been seeing Manchoma kind of, I guess, on the side of the side…
(JEZEBEL stops, and her eyes get really big)
ABDUL: …And I guess he figured he’d make the most of the opportunity, and gambled and lost on the idea that Ross would actually be here.
(JEZEBEL, suddenly realizing the she is now Eskimo sisters with Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti, has all the color drain out of her face, gags, then puts her hand over her mouth and goes sprinting off in the general direction of the restrooms)
NATE: Well, what are we going to do, then? Crash is already in the ring, and we don’t have an opponent!
ABDUL: Well, I’ve had spare ring crew guys and Murray trying to find someone, but well, you know, we’ve had kind of a thin crew here lately, and so far, we haven’t found anybody…
(PARTY TIGER sort of stumbles toward the two)
NATE: Well, what can we do then? How stupid is it going to look when he send a guy out there, followed by the entrance music of two other guys, then just have him leave the ring!?
TIGER: Hey!
ABDUL: Well, I dunno, if we run a microphone out there, maybe he can-
TIGER: Heyyyyyy!
ABDUL: -do a promo or something, but-
TIGER: HEY!
NATE and ABDUL: WHAT?
TIGER: I (hiccups) I can- (burps) I can do it.
NATE: Eh, I dunno if that’s a good idea, and – Hey, wait, why are you here in your ring gear, anyway?
TIGER: Hell, I dunno, I woke- (hiccups) I woke up like this.
NATE: Have you been drinking?
TIGER: Well… Well, yeah, I’ve been- (hiccups) I’ve always been drrrrinking.
NATE: Okay, well then there’s no way you’re wrestling anyone!
TIGER: What th’hell, dude, it never stopped you guys before. (burps)
NATE: Wait, what!? Abdul, have you been letting her wrestle while intoxicated!?
ABDUL: Well shit, boss, if I waited for her to sober up, I’d just have to fire her. It ain’t illegal, surprisingly.
NATE: (shocked) Oh my god. But granted, even if we let that slide again, Crash Ferrari is a heavyweight!
TIGER: Eh, he ain’t so big. Dude’s almost a chhhhruuuiserrrr- (hiccups) cruiserweight.
NATE: He outweighs you by probably 100 pounds! Or more!
TIGER: Ehhh, c’mon! I can beat – (hiccups) – I can beat (hiccups) – I can – (hiccups) – I’mma fuck that kid up!
ABDUL: Look, boss, we got no choice here.
NATE: I dunno, it just seems, I dunno, immoral.
ABDUL: Boss, this is professional wrestling. Nothing we do can ever be moral.
MATCH #5 – YASS KWEENDOM 2020: Zelda Lucabrasi defeated Pam From Human Resources in 8:04 with When the Moonsault Hits Your Eye
Nerd Rating: 80% ⭐⭐⭐
Hot damn, I had figured that battle royal was just something to shut everybody up before someone got powerbombed through the mat after being worn out from wrestling twice. But Zelda actually did it it. Of course, this just sets her up to be literally broken in half by a 325-pound hillbilly, but then again, Pam is kinda like a smaller version of Lorelei Grim, style-wise, so who knows. Maybe she can run circles around her too. Probably not, but stranger things have happened.
MATCH #6: Billy Wayne Humble defeated Tyrannosaurus Plex in 13:02 with the Lebell Lock
Nerd Rating: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Okay, as far as the match itself went, even a prehistoric hell-monster can’t beat the damn numbers game. Sister Candy distracted the referee about as successfully as she distracted the horndogs in the crowd, and while I had barred her two henchmen (well, one’s a lady, so henchpersons, I guess) from ringside, fuckin’ Bad Religion showed up, which is wild, because as far as anyone knows, they weren’t (and still aren’t) officially allied with Humble Ministries. (I mean, they’re a priest and a rabbi, and Humble seems to have a Pentecostal protestant vibe going on if nothing else) In the end, Humble took down the beast, and kinda messed up his neck in the process.
And I guess I have to address this other thing. No one’s really sure what exactly happened, but the theory is that someone on the southwest side of the ring was smoking something completely crazy that wafted over the audience, because there was this whole mass-delusion that Rabbi Spike sort of appeared as a floating ball of body parts (or as one guy called it – “a goddamn Cronenberg”). It must not have made it to the ring, because neither Humble, Candy, T-Plex, or the Bads seemed to know what the hell I was talking about when I asked them about it. Anyway, we’re gonna work on the ventilaion system in here, and hopefully it doesn’t happen again.
MATCH #7 – DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION FINAL ELECTRIFIED BARBED WIRE EXPLODING RING DEATHMATCH: The Korn Demon defeated Screaming Rage Man in 6:02 when Rage Man got knocked out by the explosion to become the new STRUGGLE No Police Involvement Champion
Nerd Rating: 93% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Well, no one saw this coming. Rage Man has quite literally ripped through everyone that’s been in his way, and the smart money was on him adding the Demon to the list of victims. But god damn, that JNCO-wearing weirdo went out there and just straight-up kicked his ass. Rage Man was just absolutely drenched in blood by the time this was over, while the Demon got away with a few nicks and scratches, and once the ring went up (After six minutes? The hell kinda timer is that? Gott have a word with the ring crew, who have otherwise performed admirably through all this nonsense) the screaming bastard wasjust knocked smooth the hell out. Korn Demon is your new STRUGGLE No Police Involvement champion, and this is almost a wrestling promotion now, by God.