THE SCENE: STRUGGLE Pro Headquarters, aka the last Blockbuster location to close in the Tri-State Area. Having spent the previous twenty minutes or so forcing a former world champion to run an AirBnB and almost having to fist-fight another former world champion, the STRUGGLE high command, NATE RUGGLE and UNCLE ABDUL, find themselves inexplicably confronted by local zillionaire HAPSBURG RAYTHEON VI.
NATE RUGGLE: So, uhh, what brings you here?
HAPSBURG RAYTHEON VI: Simply put, I am here to be your new world’s champion.
NATE: Excuse me?
HR6: Are you daft? I said I am here to be the champion!
NATE: No, I mean, I got that part, but are you even a professional wrestler?
HR6: I will have you know that I have hired the forty greatest professional wrestling tutors in the world, and then fired them and found forty who were even better! I have trained my body to the limits of human perfection! I am, without hyperbole, the greatest professional wrestler who has been or will ever be!
NATE: But… Have you even had a professional match yet?
HR6: What!? No, why would I even lower myself to doing such a thing?
NATE: I… Uhh… How do you expect to be a wrestling champion without, you know… Wrestling?
(HR6 turns to his bodyguard/valet – pronounced “vallet” in this case, because he’s racist against the French – MR. WEI)
HR6: Mr. Wei, please laugh at this man, for it is beneath me.
WEI: Ha, ha, ha!
HR6: Thank you, Mr. Wei.
WEI: It was my pleasure, sir.
HR6: Now, Mr. Ruggle, I must explain the way the world works: This is the United States of America. In America, the best things go to the best people. And as my excellence need not be proven, I shall be champion. Now, I believe there should be a symbolic belt of some sort?
ABDUL: Okay, I gotta step in here. That is absolutely not how it works. If you wanna be the champ, you absolutely have to “prove your excellence.” It’s the whole damn point. You don’t get to just walk in and get handed the strap – This ain’t that fake MMA shit. You want a championship belt, I can give you a website where you can have one made, hell, you can get your own face put on it for the right price. But if you wanna be a champion, you damn well better be ready to fight for it.
HR6: How utterly barbaric! But very well. Mr. Wei, my checkbook, please.
NATE: Wait, checkbook? For what?
ABDUL: (Quietly, to himself) ...And who still writes checks?
HR6: I am buying this wrestling promotion.
NATE: But… It isn’t for sale?
HR6: Nonsense! Everything is for sale to Hapsburg Raytheon VI. Hmm, yes.. These facilities are woefully inadequate. We’ll have to tear this entire strip mall down, start from scratch. Or perhaps it’s too small? I suppose I shall buy SCS Stadium uptown, rename it of course, and- Mr. Wei, are you getting all of this?
WEI: (furiously scribbling on a notepad) Yes sir, of course.
HR6: Of course, we would have to increase ticket prices. Drastically. Get our media people to convince a higher social class to show up, maybe push some sort of kitschy, ironically detached angle. Also, most of the roster would need to be replaced. Actually, replace the entire roster. A man of my stature should not be the champion of such a collection of riff-raff.
NATE: Uhh, can I say something real quick?
HR6: No. Anyway, once everything is in place and I am installed as permanent world’s champion, I wonder if I shall become bored. In that case, we announce an IPO, get our other media people to drastically overvalue the stock, then get bought out at a tidy profit once the SWA sees us as a threat or VJPW starts looking to expand. Then, I suppose I’ll move on to the next thing. Perhaps falconry. Human falconry.
NATE: Uhh… Aren’t you supposed to keep your sinister plans a secret? You know, at least for a while?
HR6: My plans? Sinister? Mr. Wei, please laugh at this man once more!
WEI: Ha, ha, ha!
HR6: But my God man, where have you been living this whole time? In a cave? In trailer park? On Mars? In a Martian trailer cave? This is not sinister, Mr. Ruggle, it is simply the way of the world! I see something, I decide that I want it, and then it becomes mine! This is how things work!
NATE: But… I, uhh… Okay. If you could theoretically do all those things, why couldn’t you just start your own-
(ABDUL quickly elbows NATE in the ribs to get him to stop talking)
ABDUL: Sorry, uhh, me and Mr. Ruggle need to confer on some things.
HR6: Hmph. Very well.
(ABDUL pulls NATE aside and whispers)
ABDUL: Goddammit, boss, are you crazy?
NATE: What?
ABDUL: Only reason we’re still in business is because we’re the biggest show in town. And the only reason for that is because Tony Unity wants to keep that whole “underground” image for EWX. If moneybags here starts his own promotion, we’re dead in the water.
NATE: Okay, then what do we do?
ABDUL: Obviously, we don’t sell STRUGGLE to the motherfucker. But if he’s serious about the wrestling thing, fuck it, we’ll let him wrestle. Best case scenario, he’s actually good. Worst case scenario, we get to watch him get his ass kicked. In the meantime, we’ll consult with Gummo on the matter. This dude seems like the kind of old money that has a real narrow family tree, and he’s probably not too bright. With a criminal mind like Gummo Nakamura behind us, we should be able to figure out how to grift the shit out of this kid.
NATE: Jeez, I dunno, that seems kind of shady.
ABDUL: Unless I heard wrong, this man just told us he has plans to hunt human beings with a fucking falcon. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing we could do that wouldn’t leave us beneath the moral high ground, boss.
(NATE sort of nods in approval, and the two end their private conference and come back to where RAYTHEON and WEI are standing)
NATE: Okay, well, there’s a pretty big problem, Mr. Raytheon. Well, you see, it’s my mother. She’s the actual majority owner of the promotion, and she has this whole idea of keeping things running until my brother gets out of prison, and it’s a whole big thing – Anyway, the point here is that I’m not actually able to sell the company, and he’s dead set on getting it back into Stevie’s hands someday. But don’t worry, sir, I’ll start working on her soon to see if she might soften her stance on this issue, Mister Raytheon, sir.
HR6: But… But-but-but – But I WANT IT NOW! What about my rightful place as world’s champion wrestler? What about my sinister plans?
NATE: Wait, I thought you said it wasn’t a sinister-
(ABDUL elbows NATE again)
ABDUL: Okay, look. Here’s the deal. If you wanna be champion, you’re gonna have to go through the regular channels – Actually winning wrestling matches – until the issues with Mrs. Ruggle get smoothed over. You can go see if Hoss has a spot at the dojo, unless you think you’re ready, and then we can go ahead and book you for the next show.
HR6: but that’s not fair! I am a high achiever! I’m not supposed to work for things!
ABDUL: Look, my hands are tied here.
HR6: (menacingly) Very well. But know this. I always get what I want, and you shan’t stand in my way forever. You have made a very powerful enemy on this day.
NATE: Wow, that makes at least two powerful enemies made in about five minutes, I think.
ABDUL: Hell yeah, if I can keep up this pace, I’ll fill up my punch card and get a free sub in no time!
HR6: (to MR. WEI) What… What is this “sub” he speaks of?
WEI: Sir, it is an elongated bread-based foodstuff, considered a delicacy by the common folk. Short for “submarine sandwich.”
HR6: How revolting. Mr. Ruggle, Mr…. Whatever your name was, when you next see me, it will be as one victorious in glorious combat. And then, I shall fire you both. Wei, let us take leave of this dreary place.
(RAYTHEON and WEI leave, and NATE and ABDUL are left to ponder whatever the hell just happened.)
NATE: Well, that was weird.
ABDUL: Well, at least it can’t possibly get any weirder than it’s already been.
(All of a sudden, MR. WEI pokes his head back inside the door)
WEI: Excuse me, sirs. Mr. Raytheon has instructed me to inform you that there are two large, masked men engaging in fisticuffs in your parking lot, and that he finds it absolutely disgusting.