The COOL ZONE 2020 Tour wrapped up in a pretty wild night with a couple major twists, including a surprise return and a shocking – Well, you’ll see. Especially if you go watch the VOD here. Then read about it.
DARK MATCH: Broccolord and the Gentrificator defeated Them Mook Boys in 27:30 when Broccolord used the Broccolock on Lance Mook
NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Well, what the hell? Last time we saw them, Them Mooks were taking out the baddest team in the land in Bad Religion. This time, they’ve been laid low by a makeshift pairing of a couple of their fellow Hoss Dojo trainees. So I guess they weren’t ready for prime time after all? Meanwhile, the Mooks are 2 for 2 with 100% scores from the ratings nerds.
MATCH #1: Reina Sandia defeated Taco Belle in 8:29 with a Northern Lights Suplex
NERD RATING: 75% (the star machine was broken, and I’m not going to go back and make the calculations)
If you haven’t heard, lucha legend Puño Dorado is absolutely determined to start up a lucha Libre style promotion here in the Tri-State Area, and Reina Sandia is one of his first signings. She looked impressive here against Belle, picking up the win after a fast-paced match where she was in control most of the time. After the match, Belle’s corporate sponsors confronted her about something, but she just blew them off and left the building without saying anything. Weird.
MATCH #2: Black Panther Mask defeated Hapsburg Raytheon VI by countout when HR6 just… peaced out?
NERD RATING: 95%
Well, this happened. Their first match was a glorious affair, an intense back-and-forth battle that ended with good triumphing over evil. This time, good and evil had a pretty good match, until evil just kind of walked out. I dunno, at least Raytheon lost again. I’ll take it.
MATCH #3: Jezebel Grim and Toshiyo Nakano defeated Virginia Slams and Velveeta Dream in 20:03 when Jezebel chokeslammed Dream
NERD RATING: 85%
Jezebel and Toshiyo, billed here as “Jezebel-Gun,” (“Jezebel Army,” which hints at ambitions beyond just a two-person team) needed to make a statement here, seeing as how they’re heading into a 4 vs. 4 War Party match with only two people currently on their team. And while they picked up the win here, I’m not sure it was the ass-stomping they needed to hand out in order to put The Fear into Team Stormy. But it might not be an issue here, because well…
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(JEZEBEL and TOSHIYO enter the backstage area, and are immediately met by YUMIKO LA GRANGE. JEZEBEL groans and tries to sidestep her, but she cuts her off, all while TOSHIYO just looks uncomfortable at the awkwardness of it all.)
YLG: Jezebel, we need to talk.
JEZEBEL: I ain’t got shit to say to you.
YLG: Then I will do all the talking.
JEZEBEL: Whatever.
YLG: I want back on the team.
JEZEBEL: Fuck off.
YLG: Listen, you already agreed to a War Party match with Stormy, and you are two wrestlers short. I am assuming Lorelei is still out?
JEZEBEL: Yeah, well. I don’t think she ever wanted in, and was too polite to say no. You were probably just a convenient excuse.
YLG: And if Junior was in, she would be here, right?
JEZEBEL: Yeah, ugh. She’s got a… Scheduling conflict…
TOSHIYO: Apparently, Tri-State Spelling Bee is on the same date.
YLG: Wait, a spelling bee? I thought she was almost twenty…
JEZEBEL: She’s one of the judges.
YLG: Okay. That makes sense. But the point is, you need me.
JEZEBEL: Fuck no! I already had to shut your shit down once!
YLG: Exactly. And I need you to keep doing that.
JEZEBEL: Wait, you actually want me to call you on your bullshit when you pull a Yumiko?
YLG: Wait, what? Am… Am I a slang term now?
JEZEBEL: You didn’t know about that? Hell, I been saying that shit for years. “Calm down, dumbass, you’re pulling a Yumiko.”
TOSHIYO: Yeah, I think it a universal wrestling term now. Even say that back home.
YLG: Oh… Oh God… But nevertheless. You need me. And (sighs) I need this.
JEZEBEL: How do I know you’re not gonna pull a- You know, start bossing everybody around?
YLG: Look. Stormy Knight is a giant asshole, but she is right: The old-timers do need to step aside sometimes. You are the team captain. This is your show.
JEZEBEL: Okay, but if you’re gonna be on the team, you gotta be on the fuckin’ team. None of this lone wolf, leaving the building right after your match shit.
YLG: Come on, that is unnecessary.
JEZEBEL: Maybe, but those are the terms. I ain’t saying we gotta have sleepovers and swap boyfriends or some shit, but if you want on the team you gotta let people in.
YLG: (after a pause to think things over) Okay, fine. And if you need a fourth member, I can always ask Crawdad. The girl practically worships me for some reason, so I know she will do it.
JEZEBEL: Sounds good to me..
YLG: She is still green, but I know generational talent when I see it.
TOSHIYO: Yeah, she only a wrestler for about a year and already kicked my ass twice…
JEZEBEL: Alright, then it’s settled. C’mon, let’s get the fuck outta here while the bar’s still open.
YLG: What!? Oh come on, you can not expect me to go with you. I am too fucking old to go party with a couple of twenty-somethings.
JEZEBEL: Figured as much, but somebody’s gotta drive. Here ya go.
(JEZEBEL throws her keys to YUMIKO, who eyes her “BAD MOTHER FUCKER” key ring with disgust)
YLG: God fucking damn it…
MATCH #4: Cobra Highway defeated The Turd Boyz in 25:38 when Raoul Kemp used the Bat country Lock on Turd #2
NERD RATING: 86%
Since signing on to Johnny San Diego’s First Class Family, the Turds have an extreme new attitude. They’re still Turds, though, and they do the favors for a middle aged burnout and an elderly whatever-the-hell-he-is.
MATCH #5: Rodimus Primo defeated Uno Muerte in 14:03 with the Planeta Retorcido Press
NERD RATING: 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Rodimus Primo was kind of the third wheel in the Super C-Cup 2020 final, and when Immortan Jimmy took him down to win the title in a singles rematch, there was a lot of speculation that his win was a fluke. But since then, he’s taken down everything in his path, and the title rematch is set for War Party 2021. As for the match itself, this was an all-time classic, paced at about a zillion miles an hour. Perhaps he really does have The Touch and also the power, yeah?
MATCH #6: Skull Mayday vs. Garfield Vanzetti ended in 9:41 with a Double DQ when a bunch of dudes ran in
NERD RATING: 75%
Welp. The stipulation here was that after a year of chickenshittery, Vanzetti had to put up a $15,000 appearance bond, then show up for the match and stay till the final bell without pulling any of his bullshit. In the end, he pulled his bullshit, and in related news, we’re finally replacing the goddamn plumbing in this place. A couple of camo-clad dudes calling themselves Executive Solutions ran in and started beating the shit out if Skull, followed by Comrade DIRECT ACTION doing the same to Vanzetti, and Gus finally had enough and threw the match out. And of course, the Saga of Garfield and not-Skip continues.
POST-MATCH WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(Backstage, tensions rise as wrestlers have to stand between SKULL MAYDAY, COMRADE DIRECT ACTION, GARFIELD VANZETTI, and the rest of his crew, consisting of BUFORD RANDALL, MAD DOG WOCIEJCHOWSKI, and WILHELM KRUGER to keep the fight from continuing.)
SKULL: Come on, bro! What, are you too scared to fight me one on one!?
GARFIELD: When dealing with communists, you have to make a show of overwhelming force!! And this is such a force!
COMRADE: They look like couple of pussies to me!
(The two members of EXECUTIVE SOLUTIONS step forward menacingly, while SKULL shoots a look over at COMRADE)
SKULL: Hey, come on, chill with the gendered insults bro, we talked about this.
COMRADE: Sorry.
SKULL: But otherwise, the point stands! You’re real brave when you’ve got us four to two!
GARFIELD: Oh? Well then why don’t we make this interesting? How about we have a little match at War Party. Me and my guys against two of yours…
SKULL: You’re on, bro.
GARFIELD: I wasn’t finished! This match happens only if I get to choose your partners! And I choose… (smiling smugly) Skip Legday and Captain STRUGGLE.
SKULL: Really?
GARFIELD: Oh? Is there a problem? Surely they can attend, can they not? Hell, I’ll even tear up the restraining order! Buutt, I guess since there’s absolutely no physically possible way for that to-
SKULL: Okay, sounds like a deal.
GARFIELD: …What?
SKULL: Yeah, I’ll call Skip and the Captain, and we’ll do this. I’m sure they’ll be pretty pumped when they hear about it. Thanks, bro.
(SKULL and COMRADE walk off, while Garfield is left to ponder what the hell just happened. not for long, however, as he is immediately confronted by his wife, PATIENCE HALLIBURTON-VANZETTI)
PATIENCE: GARFIELD! ARE YOU CRAZY!?
GARFIELD: Honey, calm down, you’re-
PATIENCE: NO! You threw away fifteen thousand dollars! FIFTEEN! THOUSAND!
GARFIELD: Well, honey, you see, it was necessary at this juncture to-
PATIENCE: NO, GODDAMMIT! You cannot explain this! You just threw all that money in the trash, and you hired fucking mercenaries!
GARFIELD: (proudly and obliviously) The best that money can buy!
PATIENCE: HOW MUCH!?
(BUFORD, WILHELM, and MAD DOG all step back a couple of feet)
GARFIELD: Excuse me?
PATIENCE: How much money buys “the best that money can buy!?”
GARFIELD: Oh. Uhh… Ten (mumbles)…
PATIENCE: What!?
GARFIELD: Ten, uhh… Ten (mumbles)…
PATIENCE: Spit it out!
GARFIELD: Ten. Ten thousand….
PATIENCE: TEN THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS!?
GARFIELD: …Each.
(PATIENCE stands silently, but her eyes are twitching, and her hands are balled into fists so hard that they’re shaking)
GARFIELD: Just… Look, honey, Uhh, You see, this was a necessary expenditure in the defense of-
PATIENCE: (eerily calmly) No. No, no, no, you are not going to just explain this away with some bullshit about communists or whatever… This… This is a new low. This is even worse than when you took Zee’s college fund and blew it on all that fake money…
GARFIELD: Hey now! The Iraqi Dinar is going to skyrocket in value, just as soon as President Trump-
PATIENCE; HE ISN’T THE PRESIDENT ANYMORE!
GARFIELD: (Seemingly on the verge of tears) Nooo, you take that back!
PATIENCE: I am just… FUCK! I am not dealing with this right now, I have a fucking match to get ready for…
GARFIELD: Look, we can talk about this when we get home…
PATIENCE: I AM NOT GOING HOME! I can’t even look at you right now! I… I am going to wrestle, and I am going to kick those other seven bitches’ asses… Then, I am staying at a hotel tonight!
(PATIENCE begins to furiously stomp off toward the women’s locker room, but after passing a group of wrestlers, she continues)
PATIENCE: And you can’t stop me…From staying at a hotel!…. The Holiday Inn out by the airport!
(PATIENCE leaves, and in the group of bystanders, CRASH FERRARI and MANCHOME THE RANDY SAVAGE suddenly eye each other, and then square up to each other like a fight is about to break out. Without warning, the most intense game of paper, rock, scissors ever breaks out, and after rock smashes scissors, two rocks kind of bump against each other, and scissors cuts paper, MANCHOMA is defeated, and an obnoxiously-grinning CRASH heads for the exit. a dejected MANCHOMA sulks for about four seconds, before trying to chat up BECKY WITH THE AWFUL HAIR, who just shoots him an annoyed look and walks off)
MATCH #7: The Coke Brothers defeated the 46 Defenders in 22:12 when Ricky Hit Neal with the $450 and Ounce Splash
NERD RATING: 78%
The Cokes’ journey from Ricky having his neck broken by Crash Ferrari and Ross falling deep into cocaine psychosis is seemingly headed to its climax. After a match where both teams were in it until the final seconds, The Cokes pick up the win and head to War Party to face Team Twizzy for the belts. Hopefully, they’re in prison or dead before then.
MATCH #8 – BATTLE ROYAL: Becky (with the Awful Hair) defeated Ludmilla Grozny, Lorelei Grim, Donita Zapata, The Phantom Rocker, Zelda Lucabrasi, Patience Halliurton-Vanzetti, and Sister Dobalina in 19:47
NERD RATING: 81%
This went really quick for a battle royal, which is nice, considering some of the 659 minute slogs we’ve had. Overall, it was kind of a disappointment, as a lot of the theoretical big matchups didn’t really come to fruition, like the hoss fight of Lorelei vs. Dobalina or Donita getting a chance at revenge of the Rocker. In the end, it came down to Becky and Ludmilla, with Becky putting an exclamation point on this with the one elimination that wasn’t tossing someone out. Becky heads to War Party to attempt to dethrone PARTY TIGER.
MATCH #9 – NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP STREET FIGHT: Screaming Rage Man vs. Lil’ Chucky Unity went to a time Limit DRAW
NERD RATING: 82%
That was unexpected. I mean, it was expected that this would end with the ring covered in seemingly gallons of blood, but I thought it would all be from one guy. But Lil’ Chucky got the Eye of the Tiger here, determined to avenge Cousin Tony getting all chainsawed up and losing his belt to Rage Man. It didn’t hurt that Rage Man kept getting distracted by mysterious sounds and flashing lights that kept going off at inopportune times, leading to a time limit draw. This was followed by…
My god, that’s the Korn Demon’s music! The Demon returned and basically wrecked Rage Man, and seeing as how he only lost the title in the first place due to a ruptured appendix, it’s a no-brainer that he’s heading toward a title match at War Party.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY STADANKOWICZ!
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, with me at this time is none other than the Korn Demon! And Demon, I really have to say you made a statement out there tonight!
DEMON: Well you know, Murray, after my little medical emergency, I’ve been cooped up at the house, right? And all I could think of how bad I wanted to get out there and take my championship back from Tony Unity. But well you know, Rage Man got the title, and I felt like it just couldn’t wait anymore. I was really feelin’ like a freak on a leash, you know, and when I got medically cleared, I just couldn’t wait for a match, right? But Rage Man, I know you’re gonna see this, and I want you to know that you got something that belongs to me, eh? And you’re gonna have to take a look and the mirror and realize that you got some real big issues headed your way. And you’re gonna have to stop and ask yourself… ARE YOU ADEQUATELY PREPARED!?
This was theoretically the end of the show, but then President Evil came out with his usual barrage of insults, before finally calling out Big Bird Machine. Against all logic, Bird actually showed up, which seemed more logical when it was revealed that that the planned ambush was thwarted by locking Agent 35, Agent Fang, and Tyrannosaurus Plex in a mop closet. And then?
MY GOD, THAT’S RAMPAGE HUNTER’S MUSIC! Well, there was no music, but you get the idea. Out of goddamn nowhere, Warrior Pro’s resident belt collector speared and shitcanned Evil, revealing that he is in fact the fourth member of Team Machine, and also announcing a Rampage vs. Bird rematch at an unspecified future date. Business, it would seem, has picked up.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY STADANKOWICZ!
MURRAY: Ladies and gent-
(PRESIDENT EVIL snatches away the microphone and just shoves the shit out of Murray until he tumbles out of frame)
EVIL: PATHETIC! Absolutely fucking pathetic! This is the depth you’ve sunk to, Bird!? He can’t rely on his friends, so he has to turn to his fucking ENEMIES! But you know what? It doesn’t matter. Call whoever you want to call! Go to any country in the world, and find anybody you can find! IT WILL NOT SAVE YOU! If you ascended to fuckin’ heaven right now and brought God himself down here to help you, I’d slap that motherfucker up, too! Do you even understand what you’re up against? I am your destiny, Bird! It doesn’t matter how far you run, or how many bodies you try and put between me and yourself! Your story ends with me! I AM INEVITABLE! It’s just a matter of time. Because I am President! Fucking! Evil! And sooner or later, one way or another? Evil always wins.
(EVIL throws the mic down and walks out of frame, shoving MURRAY back to the ground in the process)
After the show, on the livestream, we re-ran the commercial break from earlier, because there were technical difficulties with the sound, and the sponsors would have our asses on a platter if we botched their time to shine. So before you go, check those out and help us pay the bills.
See y’all next time at WAR PARTY 2021, live from the County Fairgrounds. Be there!