Tag Archives: skip legday

TALES OF THE INVISIBLE EVERYWHERE CAMERA: TALES FROM THE TRI-STATE AREA

(THE SCENE: Outside the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn, THE PHANTOM ROCKER approaches her car – a sweet 1987 IROC-Z. After she unlocks the door and prepares to get inside, she hears a familiar, angry voice…)

DONITA: HEY!

(ROCKER turns around to see her alleged older sister DONITA ZAPATA.(“alleged” sister, as in confirming such things would reveal a masked wrestler’s identity, which is illegal – but c’mon, that’s totally what the deal is) DONITA is conspicuously wearing her own early 90s-esque clothing, as opposed to the glam rock themed stuff she was forced to wear as a result of losing the “Hair Metal vs. Mask” match a while back)

ROCKER: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing!?

(DONITA angrily shoves a piece of paper into ROCKER’s hands)

ROCKER: Wait… What is…

DONITA: It’s from the Tri-State Area Athletic Commission. And it’s says that you can fuck off, Lita.

ROCKER: But-but-but-

DONITA: A lucha de apuestas contract can’t be open-ended, unless it’s a mask or a loser-leaves-town situation, and how long I had to wear that bullshit was never specified. Add in your abuse of the situation, all your goddamn Skittles or whatever, and the commission ruled that- like I said – you can fuck right off.

ROCKER: So… Are you just going to…

DONITA: What!?

ROCKER: Well… I mean… I just thought that…

DONITA: Lita, if you are about to tell that you had hoped this would be bring us together or some shit, don’t bother. I am fucking done with you. Congratulations.

(ROCKER, looking like she’s on the verge of tears, angrily throws the car door open, gets inside, and starts the engine. DONITA smugly looks on, then starts to turn around, before being interrupted)

ROCKER: I guess you’ve got a point, Donita. I mean, being forced by someone from your own family to look and act a certain way against your will? Why, that must have been awful.

(ROCKER guns the engine, recklessly backs out of her spot, and tears ass out of the parking lot, squealing tires and throwing rocks and shit everywhere. DONITA just stands and stares as she drives off, suddenly with a very distraught look on her face)

MEANWHILE…

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WAR PARTY 2021 RESULTS!

The first major pay-per-view esque show since STRUGGLE’s relaunch is in the books, and despite the El Pendejo weather phenomenon bringing us snow showers in June, (don’t worry, it was 78 and sunny the next day) it went off without a hitch, or at least with very few. Scores were settled, titles exchanged hands and somehow, no one was killed. Check out the VOD right here, then come back and read about how you should feel about it. I know I say this every time, but I’d love to just embed video, except that either Twitch or WordPress is hopelessly broken. Maybe both? Who can say. anyway, full show report after the jump.

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: MASTERS AND APPRENTICES

(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo training facility, out on the edge of town, right past where the old Walmart (the one full of feral dogs) is located. The makeshift tag team of SKIP LEGDAY and CAPTAIN STRUGGLE have come here seeking advice on their upcoming WAR PARTY 2021 match from veteran OL’ ROSS GRACIE, but he is nowhere to be found. Extremely loud snoring can be heard from behind the door to Hoss’s office, and it is extremely awkward.)

SKIP: Soooo… Uhh… Do you think we should leave, or…?

STRUGGLE: Five more minutes.

SKIP: Bro, you said that five minutes ago.

STRUGGLE: I drive fifteen minutes to get here, we wait another five.

SKIP: I dunno, maybe we could just leave for a while and come back or something. It’s a thousand degrees in here.

STRUGGLE: Hoss say it build character. Allegedly.

SKIP: Well, I’m at least gonna go outside for a minute.

STRUGGLE: Hm. Probably a good idea.

(The two turn around and start to leave, when all of a sudden, the office doors fly open, and OL’ ROSS GRACIE appears, brandishing a double barreled shotgun.)

HOSS: ALRIGHT YA GODDAMN BUSHWACKIN’ RATTLESNAKE MOTHERFUCKERS! TRYIN’ TO ROB OL’ HOSS ARE YA? I’M GONNA FILL YOUR HIDES SO FULL O’ LEAD, YOU’RE GONNA SHIT PELLETS FOR A WEEK!

SKIP: HOSS! Stop, it’s us!

STRUGGLE: (Yells something in Japanese that I couldn’t decipher, due to being extremely monolingual, but based on my knowledge of body language and tonality, it was just filled to the brim with cusses)

HOSS: What? Aw hell, sorry boys. Ol’ Hoss ain’t got his glasses on. I remember y’all. Scoop Lindsey and his young son, Colonel SANDERS, right?

PICTURED: Colonel Harlan Sanders.

SKIP: Bro! You could’ve killed us both!

HOSS: What? Aw bullshit, this thing ain’t even loaded!

(HOSS pumps his shotgun several times, ejecting a shell onto the dojo’s dirt floor every time.)

HOSS: Huh. Well whaddaya know? Anyways, important part is that it ain’t loaded now, at least. I think. Anywho, what brings you two here?

MEANWHILE…

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