We actually ran another show, and did so at great risk to our reputation by doing so in a goddamn retirement home. But fuck it, the gate was good, we got a few absolute classics out of the deal, and hahaha, oh man, it was a terrible night for the Evil Administration. As always, you know the drill, watch the show, or be a lazy ass and just read how you feel about it below.
DARK MATCH 1: Cleve Hawk defeated Atomic Dog with a Doctor Bomb in 18:17 – 87% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
It’s time to bring out the trainees, and man, the Dog has been one of the bigger disappointments out of the recent classes. He got sold to us as a potential once-in-a-lifetime high-flyer, and he’s mostly stayed grounded. Also, the first time we put him in there against someone other than flesh-colored pants guy, he got absolutely worked. The clock said this lasted almost twenty minutes, but there was never really a point where it didn’t look like Hawk was going to take this.
DARK MATCH 2: Reagan Vanzetti defeated Ryan Grabowski in 14:37 with a rear naked choke – 88% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
In her in-front-of-people debut, the estranged daughter of Garfield Vanzetti looked like a killer out there. I mean, the Grabowski girl had a match that would’ve looked borderline impressive in most other situations, overall, this was an absolute ass-stomping by the ex-Marine. We’ve been looking at fast-tracking some of the Dojo trainees lately, what with half our women’s roster being out injured right now and all, and Vanzetti made a strong case for just such a move.
DARK MATCH 3: Mayonnaise Boy defeated Marioluigi Lucabrasi in 17:42 by… spanking him!? – 98% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
This was just weird. I mean, any Mayo Boy match is going to be weird, but this was more weird. Twice in this match, he pulled what appeared to be an institutional-sized jar of Blue Plate mayonnaise out of God-knows-where and slammed it directly into Marioluigi’s nuts. Then, the finish of the match made history, as it marks the first time I’ve ever seen a wrestling match end in submission via spanking. Something is very wrong with the Lucabrasi kid right now, and has always been incredibly wrong with Mayo Boy, but that was already obvious.
MATCH 1: Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti defeated Twlight Princess Zelda in 15:36 with the Couponer Crossface – 95% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
Welp. Since she started dating that Nightraven kid, Zelda Lucabrasi has pretty much adopted his personality as her own, and maybe even exaggerated it some. So now the formerly overly-enthusiastic vegan has gotten all weird and gloomy and Hot Topic-y, uhhh, vegan. And welp, if it’s doom and gloom she wants, she’s gonna get some, because Patience locked on that crossface hold she does, and Zelda had to be helped out of the arena, and is going to be out for the time being, with neck and arm injuries. Yep, one more from the women;s division, laid low. We’re all gonna die someday, y’all know that, right?
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Hello, wrestling fans! Murray Stadankowicz here, with Twilight Princess Zelda Lucabrasi! Zelda, that was a tough loss, and it looked like you got hurt pretty bad out there! How are you feeling?
ZELDA: Well, ah, yes-a Murray, I’m-a hurt-a pretty bad, but, ah, how you say, it not hurt as much as-a the darkness in-a my soul.
(The rest of TEAM TWIZZY, DOUG GRAVES and COBRA NIGHTRAVEN enter the frame)
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been joined at this time by Doug Graves and Cobra Nightraven, and fellas, it’s got to be pretty disappointing for Zelda’s first match as a member of Team Twizzy to end the way it did. Your thoughts?
COBRA: Well, you know, like, it sucks or whatever, but we’re all gonna die anyway.
DOUG: I mean, fuckin’, you know, like fuckin’ Patience, man, that was, like, fuckin’, ya know, some fucked up shit right there.
(MURRAY momentarily looks dumbfounded, because the wrestlers aren’t supposed to cuss in on-air promos, but he keeps smiling the entire time, because he’s MURRAY, and he’s kinda slow sometimes. Suddenly, an angry MARIOLUIGI LUCABRASI approaches)
MARIOLUIGI: YOU! You-a bastardos! You ensnare-a the mind of mia sorrelina with-a you evil ways, and now she get-a hurt inna-da ring! THAT’S-A NO GOOD, BOSS!
COBRA: Like, ya know, whatever. We’re all gonna-
MARIOLUIGI: Yes-a we all gonna die someday, you say-a the same-a thing every godda-damn-a time! Get-a some new-a material! And-a Zelda! You mark-a my words, I’mma gonna save-a my sister from you godda-damn-a Juggalo swine!
DOUG: Wait, damn dude, didn’t, like, fuckin’, ya know, didn’t you just, fuckin’, like, tap out to a fuckin’ spanking?
COBRA: Like, ya know, whatever, like, that’s pretty bad, dude.
ZELDA: It-a very shameful, yes.
MARIOLUIGI: (furious and flustered) Y-you- It, I-I-I- You’re a spanking! YOU’RE A SPANKING!
(MARIOLUIGI literally runs away in utter humiliation, and the three members of TEAM TWIZZY just sort of shrug it off and wander away, followed by PATIENCE HALLIBURTON-VANZETTI entering the frame)
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that we’ve been joined by Patience Halliburton-Vanzetti, and Patience, that was one heck of a-
PATIENCE: What the hell kind of intro was that!?
MURRAY: Excuse me?
PATIENCE: Just like, (she briefly adopts an extremely Goofy-esque voice) “Oh gawrsh, here’s Patience!” That is no introduction for a superstar of my caliber! You said nothing about any of my unique talents or achievements!
MURRAY: (confused) And those would be…?
(PATIENCE stares at MURRAY for a second, clearly grinding her teeth together)
MURRAY: Murray, I swear to god, you will not work here much longer. I will go to Ruggle, I will go to that glorified handyman Abdul, I don’t care if I have to call the Tri-State Athletic Commission, I will have you fi-
(suddenly, PATIENCE’s eyes get really big and she is seemingly stunned into silence, followed by the camera panning out to reveal REAGAN VENZETTI giving her the most evil of evil eyes.)
PATIENCE: Oh! I, uhhh… Why hello there… Reagan… OH JEEZ, LOOK AT THE TIME!
(PATIENCE leaves in an extreme hurry)
MURRAY: Well, it seems that I’ve now been joined by-
(REAGAN walks off without saying a word, and MURRAY just stares blankly into the camera for like 20 seconds, before someone remembers that the camera is still on)
MATCH 2: The Turd Boyz defeated The Rockin’ Rocksmen in 26:23 when Turd #2 hit Rockin’ Roland with the Flushhandle Bomb – 80% ⭐⭐⭐
As always, IT’S THE DAMN NUMBERS GAME. Johnny San Diego made his presence known on multiple occasions, and the Turds were almost always in control of this wild-ass brawl, until they finally came out on top. There may be something to this whole”managers and factions” trend, after all, I guess. While they haven’t exactly been getting squashed out there, the Rockin’ Rocksmen reunion tour hasn’t been going very well, and Rollin’ Rocky (who got busted open bad in this one) didn’t seem very happy with Rockin’ Roland after this was over.
MATCH 3: Agent Bulldog defeated Junior Grim in 9:46 with a moonsault – 77% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Both of these wrestlers had something to prove out there, with Bulldog being dismissed as dead weight by certain people withing the Evil Administration, and Junior Grim also being dismissed as dead weight by, well, certain people within the Evil Administration. Anyway, they both came out with a vengeance, particularly Junior, who went for her finisher multiple times in the opening moments, and this was a pretty wild sprint that was a lot better than its 77% Nerd Rating would indicate.
MATCH 4: Captain STRUGGLE defeated Uno Muerte in 23:16 with the People’s Elbow – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was a true five-star classic, just a hell of an absolute sprint from bell to bell, with seemingly a near-fall every five seconds at points. Meanwhile, Muerte has always been incredible, but sometimes I think that between his utter ridiculousness and the year or so that he (allegedly) spent as a tag team wrestler, we forgot that he’s actually really good at this sometimes. This wasn’t necessarily a #1 contenders match, but if we ever do that idiotic Restlewrankings thing again, STRUGGLE just moved way up the list.
MATCH 5: Black Panther Mask defeated Agent 35 in 34:35 with the Revolutionary Arm Bar – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was an odd one, in that 35 hit all his big match-ending moves, and Panther hit a few of his own, but no one seemed to want to go for a pin throughout most of it. These fellas need to get their priorities in order, if you ask me. Anyway, ol’ Gus brought out his deathmatch gear in anticipation of Agent 35 wilding the hell out, but he was on his best behavior here, which is to say he chopped and gouged at Panther will all sorts of implements of pain, but that thick-ass mask prevented any serious bloodshed. Anyway, the crowd loved it, I guess.
MATCH 6: Screaming Rage Man defeated Zippity Duda in 34:55 with a diving stomp = 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Now, this was some fucked up shit, right here. Logically, this should have been over too quickly to prove an effective bathroom break. In the end, we got a super fucked-up brawl across the goddang building that was effectively a two-on-three, once Ace remembered that this was a no-DQ match. And while he really had no answer for Rage Man’s stabbing-and-stomping-and-screaming tendencies, little Zippity never backed down, and possibly could’ve come out on top if this has been falls-count-anywhere, as he locked on that ungodly armbar of his for an extended period of time outside the ring at one point. I think we may have seen Zippity Duda become a man out there, right in front of our very eyes. I mean, not in a sexual way, though. That is, unless he’s a real freak, but I’d rather not think about that right now.
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MATCH 7: Annihilation defeated Bad Religion in 43:13 when Animal Smasher hit Rabbi Spike with a flying bodypress – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was the highly-touted Annihilation’s first real test, and damned if they didn’t pass. The Grim Reapers were probably somewhere watching this with great concern, which is going to make it even more painful when they figure out a way to retain the titles for another five years. Meanwhile, the Bads have gone from unbeatable to filling the role that Reverse Racism used to have, before they left for TSLL: The team that’s extremely hard to beat, but somehow always gets beaten. Not even repeated assists from Billy Wayne Humble could get them the W here.
MATCH 8: Jezebel Grim defeated Becky With the Evil Hair in 22:20 with the Steel Reserve Stunner to become the NEWWWW STRUGGLE Women’s Champion – 98% ⭐⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Holy shit, this was one of the most bonkers-ass matches we’ve had since the relaunch, or even before. This wasn’t an exceedingly long match, just over twenty minutes, but easily seventeen or eighteen of that consisted of an all-out, blood-soaked brawl between the Evil Administration (with a Secret Evil Service member that looked an awful lot like local freelancer, Slashley) and the combined forces of Jezebel-Gun and Jezebel’s baby sister, Junior, fresh off a disappointing loss to Agent Bulldog. It really felt that the strategy here was for Becky to use the champion’s advantage to retain via countout, but she just couldn’t help getting back out that at the 18 or 19 count, and in the end, it cost her the title. The pain and misery was off the charts here, with Toshiyo Nakano getting busted open somehow, Jezebel absolutely leaking like a faucet by the time the bell rang, and Junior getting her bell rung pretty badly at one point, effectively taking her out of action for most of this and putting her in STRUGGLE Concussion Protocol. (which consists of Pam shinging a flashlight in someone’s eyes, then going “aw jeez, hon, you better not wrestle for a while, hey?”) On an odd note, the S.E.S. agent that was most likely Slashley never budged from the corner, even though her purpose in being here was to bring violent mayham. Also, the first physical confrontation between First Lady Evil and Yumiko La Grange in over a decade happened, and it’s a shame that half of that equation is too retired for us to ever finally get that match.
MATCH 9: Tupac Machine defeated Agent Fang in 11:41 with the Crooked-Ass Neckbreaker to become the NEWWWW STRUGGLE Cruiserweight Champion – 84% ⭐⭐⭐
Overall, this match was the story of the wily veteran using misdirection of bamboozle the younger, dumber opponent. Tupac Machine set up the cross armbreaker to perfection, just laser-focusin on Fang’s arm, and then just hit that flippy neckbreaker thing outta nowhere, kncking him for a loop and securing his first Cruiserweight Title reign since before the old STRUGGLE went out of business. The odd part, though, involved STRUGGLE head referee, Referoth. He got knocked down early in the match, and got up relatively quickly, but was just off for the rest of the match. How off? Well, he counted Agent 35 out. Yes, he took the time and effort to make a 20-count on a guy who was never technically part of the match. And he didn’t even make him leave after the countout; the dude got to stick around. Everything else looked normal, but I obviously have concerns that the Evil Administration camp is going to find a way to use this to their advantage.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Hello, wrestling fans! Murray Stadankowicz here, live on location in the hallways of the Abandoned Pines Retirement Home Rec Center, where a scene of julila- jubina- jubilmiat- a celebration has erupted, following what has proven to be a terrible night for the Evil Administration!
(The camera pans over to show new champions TUPAC MACHINE and JEZEBEL GRIM, joined by the other members of B.A.R.S. and JEZEBEL-GUN, along with Grim family patriarch HILLBILLY GRIM and the eldest of the Grim girls, LORELEI GRIM, who is conspicuously keeping her distance, and clearly not overly enthusiastic about the proceedings.)
MURRAY: Tupac Machine, if I could have a word for a moment…
PAC: Speak on it, Murray.
MURRAY: Mr. Machine, while the current title doesn’t technically share a lineage with the original STRUGGLE Cruiserweight belt, a lot of younger fans may not be aware that you were a multiple-time champ, as well as the number one contender at the time of the promotion’s demise. So what the people want to know, Mr. Machine, is this: How does it feel to finally regain the title, after all these years?
PAC: You know what, dog? It feels the same as it did in 2004. The same way it did in ’07 and ’08. The same as it did in 2010. In 2022? You know the saying, “the more things change, the more they stay the same?” Ain’t nothing changed. I’m still the top dog. Still the (in a mocking tone) “number one guy around here.” See, I’ve been doin’ this since ’96, man, and I’ve seen a lot of faces and come and go. Some of ’em retired, some of ’em signed elsewhere, some of ’em, I’d rather not think about. But here I am, still standing, still on top. Ain’t nothing changed, and I’m back in the same place I’ve always been: All eyes on me, with everyone else looking up. And you what, Murray? It still feels so damn good. This is it, dog, the pinnacle, the reason we all got into this sport in the first place. Ain’t nothing changed, Murray; ain’t a damn thing changed, and I nope nothing ever does.
MURRAY: Congratulations on the big win, Mr. Machine, and congratulations are in order as well to this woman, the new STRUGGLE Women’s Champion, Jezebel Grim. Jezebel, as a member of the famous Grim Wrestling Dynasty, how does it feel to know that you’re the first member of your family to hold a major championship since your father and uncle Slim held the TSWA tag belts, over twenty years ago?
JEZEBEL: Man, it’s like… All I wanna do right now, is hoot and holler and raise a bunch of hell, just straight-up party-time shit y’all expect from me, you know? But man, I got something eatin’ at me, y’all, and I gotta get this off my chest. There was somebody out there that doubted me. That thought I wasn’t “championship material.” They thought I had no business out there, and that there was no damn way I’d be here right now, with all this gold around around my waist. And y’all know how I am, and y’all know I’m not the kind to just let something like that go. So I gotta call this person out. You know who it was? It was me. And man, it’s just… (JEZEBEL takes off the belt and holds it up, looking into the main plate) A lotta people don’t know this, but I’ve been doing this a while now, hell, I been doin’ it since before it was even legal, man, and this right here… This is beyond my wildest dreams. All my life I feel like I’ve kinda been in the background. The middle child, the outlaw, the outcast, the outsider, and now… Man, Murray, I’m sorry, I know I already let an S-bomb fly a minute ago, and we’re not supposed to cuss on these things, but right now, man, I ain’t in the background anymore – I am front and center, and I am the motherfuckin’ world champion!
MURRAY: Those were some… Strong words from the new champ, and ladies and gentlemen, this is murray Standnkowicz, signing off from-
(HILLBILLY GRIM steps into the frame and interrupts)
HILLBILLY GRIM: Now, Murray, do you mind if I step in and say somethin’ right quick?
MURRAY: Of course! Ladies and gentlemen, Tri-state Area legend Hillbilly Grim!
HILLBILLY: (to JEZEBEL) Jessie, I’d just like to say right now, where all these folks can see it, that you and I ain’t always seen eye to eye on a lot of things. And ya know, we’ve had a lot of words in the past over a lot o’ the things you do, all the cussin’ and fightin’ and carryin’ on… But I just want to say… (his voice cracks a little) I still think of all y’all as my little girls, and I know I don’t always show it, but I just love all three of y’all so much, am just so proud of all of y’all, and-and-and.. Aw heck, y’all just come here and give your daddy a big ol’ hug!
(JEZEBEL and JUNIOR step forward and give HILLBILLY a big ol’ group hug, while behind them, TUPAC MACHINE can seen reaching under his mask, as if to wipe away a tear, and even YUMIKO LA GRANGE almost seems somewhat borderline happy, for a change. In the background of this touching scene, LORELEI exhales sharply and walks away without a single word. Meanwhile, MURRAY has completely fallen apart.)
MURRAY: (blubbering) Ladies… and gentlemen…. such a display of… of… Familial… (breaking down completely) Auuughh-haaaaughh-haaaauuuggh a-hooooaaaugh-a-blooo-hoo-hoooo!
(from behind the camera, BUDDY FROM THE RING CREW’s voice can be heard)
BUDDY: Uhh… So you know, like… On behalf of Murray Stadankowicz, this is Buddy, signing off. Join use next time, when we, like, go back to the Vito for STRUGGLEWEEN II. Or something. Bye.