STRUGGLE Live Event, Sunday, February 17, 2019, from the Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn, nobody wrote down the attendance, but it seemed okay? Anyway, go take an hour and a half out of your life that you could have used to pet a dog or look at a tree to watch this whole thing instead, then come back, and I’ll tell you how to feel about it. (Unless the video’s expired by the time you got here, I’m not saving a damn house how)
Watch just random nonsense, signifying nothing from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tv
Match 1: Uno Muerte defeated (via CRITICAL!) Froggy Terry, 13:17 w/ Coquetando Con El Desastre (corkscrew twisty moonsaulty type thing)
Internet Nerd Rating: 86% ****
Notes: Senior referee Referoth called the match early after Froggy Terry appeared to suffer a rib injury. Terry isn’t expected to miss significant time though, because he is prideful, and also dumb as hell. Amphibians probably have regenerative powers, anyway. Or is that just reptiles? Who knows? Who cares? Maybe the lizards care. If it looks like this match took place in a different venue than the rest of the show, you’re wrong and I never make mistakes, shut up.
Match 2: Bad Religion (Father Mayhem and Rabbi Spike) fought to a draw with The Coke Brothers (Ricky and Ross Coke), 45:00
Nerd Rating: 100% *****
NOTES: An impressive debut for Bad Religion, even if nobody actually won the match. A wild brawl with both Coke Brothers getting stabbed in the head multiple times. STRUGGLE’s first five-star match of 2019. At one point, Mayhem just jumped smooth the hell out of the ring for no goddamn reason, I mean, he just leapt face-first into the floor. You’d think the two cokeheads would be the ones to pull some shit like that, but then again, I bet Bad Religion is into some wild shit themselves, even if they are allegedly a priest and a rabbi. Man, what happened to us? What happened to the human race. Uhh, anyway…
Match #3: Captain STRUGGLE defeated Agent Fang, 8:34 w/ Macho Man Elbow
Nerd Rating: 81% ****
Notes: Short and honestly uneventful match that the nerds probably rated higher than it deserved. Nerds love cruiserweights, I guess. Someday, the Captain is gonna finally hit the People’s Elbow on somebody, but today was not that day. Probably not tomorrow, either. I love him, but he’s an idiot.
Match #4: PARTY TIGER defeated Donita Zapata, 12:42 w/ tiger suplex
Nerd Rating: 71% ***½*
Notes: PARTY TIGER got busted open at some point, and it ended up being just a minor wound, but she bled like a faucet, because she’s an alcoholic. There, I said it. The girl needs help. Come to think of it, Donita is probably an alcoholic, too, or at least she has problems with moderation. Still, she was stone cold sober out there, and still lost to someone who couldn’t walk a straight line if her life depended on it, so she should probably feel bad about herself. The nerds rated this as the least-good match of the night, because nerds hate girls, I guess.
Match #5: BIG TREAT BOY defeated Turd #2A, 28:27 w/ Candy Crush
Nerd Rating: 78% ***½*
Notes: Debut of the new ring canvas for the 300-plus pound Big Timers division, which was somehow already covered in some sort of red sauce. Overall, this might have secretly been the match of the night, (or day, or morning, whatever) somewhat marred by all the instances of two big fatsos having to stop and gasp for air. TREAT BOY is good at what he does, but what he does is definitely not a goddamn Stairmaster, I’ll tell you that much.
Match #6: Tyrannosaurus Plex defeated Churd Grunson, 13:03 w/ Pterodactyl Wing Facelock
Nerd Rating: 81%, ****
Notes: This was an excruciating match, where T-Plex had the poor bastard beaten within seconds, but just sort of refused to pin him for 13 minutes. He needs to get a manager or something, because he’s clearly not a mental giant, and trying that against actual competition might bite him in the ass eventually. Also, in hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to book a match where the whipping goat of the cruiserweight division has to fight a huge, semi-feral man who eats raw meat and throws people into the sky. Meanwhile, the nerds rated this stupidly high. Nerds hate girls and love needless suffering, offering a possible explanation for Gamergate.
Match #7: Skip Legday defeated The Überklaw, 14:01 w/ “Shoulda Done More Fly Curls, Dude” (full Nelson)
Nerd Rating: 78%, ***½
Notes: Not a squash by any means, but there was never a point where the Klaw seemed like he had a chance. In a battle of physical freaks, he was completely outclassed by The Human Bench Press Machine. That kid’s gonna be special, unless someone just decides to get all Inoki-butt-scoot on him and kick his legs to death.
Match #8: President Evil defeated Manchoma the Randy Savage, 27:49 w/ushigoroshi
Nerd Rating: 79%, ***½*
Notes: I’m not sure who or what pissed in the President’s cornflakes this morning, but early on, Secret Evil Servicemen started sliding in various weapons, and he went batshit bonkers from there. It’s hard to claim a moral victory in a match where you got beaten about the head and face with hammers and chairs for 27 minutes, but Manchoma held his own as much as possible, given the circumstances, and even hit an Exotic Cutter for a 2 count at one point. In the end it was THE DAMN NUMBERS GAME, KING. I’m not sure about this “five count instead of immediate disqualification/alerting the authorities” policy for a dude getting whomped in the face by an eight-pound sledge. Jesus.
STATS FOR THE REAL NERDS OUT THERE:
Average Match Rating: 81.75%, I think that’s four stars.
Total Card Length: I was going to figure that out, but I’m not gonna spend all that time converting seconds to decimals, you’re out of your goddamn mind.
APPROXIMATE Card Length: 163 minutes, sorry if that’s not exact enough for you, Green Lantern Fan
APPROXIMATE Average Match Length: 20ish minutes. That time limit draw really skewed things, though.
CLIP O’ THE WEEK!
Father Mayhem takes down Ricky Coke, then just sort of realizes that his home planet needs him, I guess. This is the sort of hard-hitting action you can only get here at STRUGGLE Pro, at least as long as our drug-testing policy remains lax.
Now go away. – Uncle Abdul