STRUGGLE Live! Sunday, February 24, 2019, back in the friendly confines of the Vito Genovese Memorial Auction Barn and Bingo Complex, sold out, however many people that means. Moving on up in the world. I’ll give you informations and reviews and suchlike, but first, here’s a link to watch the damn thing, until Twitch makes it expire, which will happen to us all someday:
Watch this dang ol’ thing from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvMatch #1: Hillbilly Grim defeated Ugly, Stupid Bob in 9:52 with the Moonshine Bomb (Vader Bomb)
Nerd Rating: 74% ***1/2*
Notes: A couple of old hounds from the original version of STRUGGLE return, and Grim wins, which is really the only possible outcome. Nothing really interesting happened, which is good, because in a match with Bob in it, “something interesting” can only be bad. Like an injury or a racial epithet acreamed at a fan or something along those lines. God, I hate him so fucking much. Gonna ask Nate why we re-hired him when I’m done with the computer.
Match #2: Buford Randall defeated Grizzle 4 Shizzle in 17:30 with the Dunning-Kruger Effect (I think that’s the Anaconda Vice?)
Nerd Rating: 96% *****
Notes: A man in a bear costume against a blue-skinned doomsday prepper. Am I going to question my faith in humanity after all of these house show reviews? Ha, of course not; lost that years ago. Anyway, this was just one big, solid brawl. Nothing particularly spectacular happened, which is why it barely missed that 100% Nerd Rating and therefore didn’t make the new-fangled playlist, despite being technically five stars. But these two still left it all in the ring (or outside of it; this was a pretty wild brawl) and Grizzly (or I guess it’s just Grizzle now?) has nothing to be ashamed of. Well, I mean, both these men have plenty to be ashamed of, just not as it pertains to this match. At one point, Buford just started forking Grizzle in the damn head, and he bled so hard that it actually soaked through that damn mask. Jesus.
Match #3: Stormy Knight defeated Becky With the Awful Hair in 35:31 with the Multivortex Arm Breaker
Nerd Rating: 100% *****
Notes: WOW. This started out as Becky just whipping the ex-weather-girl’s ass up and own the ring, and the crowd was actually groaning in disgust at another boring match, but Stormy just wouldn’t stay down, and once she got going, this was a fucking WAR. Both ladies pulled out all their best stuff and couldn’t get a pinfall, but Knight won the war of attrition. She just kept working Becky’s arms, and by the end, she could barely hold them up anymore. And that double arm breaker thing is nasty. You know, back in the old days when Stevie was in charge, the women’s division was pretty much always a bathroom break, with one or two actual wrestlers beating up on his shitty girlfriends or a handful of green rookies. (Including Becky, back when she actually had decent hair) But if this is the kind thing we have to look forward to in the modern world, holy shit. We are going to make so much goddamn money, as long as Stevie stays in prison.
FIVE-STAR MATCH!
Watch FIVE STAR MATCH: Stormy Knight vs. Becky With the Awful Hair from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvMatch #4: Reverse Racism (O.G. Minh & The Inscrutable JEFF) defeated Mayonnaise Boy & Dick Smales in 6:13 when JEFF knocked Smales the hell out (CRITICAL!) with the Ancient Secret Kick
Nerd Rating: 60% ***
Notes: Yeah, this match never had a chance. The RR’s are a fully-established tag team, and they were facing Mayo Boy and an old, broke-down sack of shit in Dick Smales. I mean, that Mayonnaise creep is a lot better than people realize, but if you’re asking him to carry the team, you’re in trouble. Maybe Smales will finally take the hint that it’s not working out and go get a real job. Ah hell, what am I saying, it wasn’t working out for that idiot twenty years ago.
CRITICAL!
Match #5: Yumiko La Grange defeated Taco Belle in 15:41 with a springboard moonsault
Nerd Rating: 89% ****
Notes: Taco Belle is a young talent with all the potential in the world, but ever since the divorce, Yumiko La Grange has been a goddamn human buzzsaw in the ring, just tearing through everybody. That being said, the Belle definitely proved that she belonged in the ring against elite competition, and it probably sounds dumb right after a loss, but I won’t be surprised if she can take down the legend in the future. Then again, I just heard Nate re-hired Yumi’s ex-husband Ace, so she’s going to have plenty of reasons to be pissed off and take it out on people in the ring. Whole lotta sad, broken people around here. That’s wrestling, I guess.
Match #6: Tupac Machine defeated Tucker Schertz in 19:03 with a cross armbreaker
Nerd Rating: 100% *****
Notes: Hot damn, two true 5-star matches in one show. These two guys are both submission-oriented technicians, and their styles meshed perfectly. In the end, Pac’s experience won the day, not to mention his brawling, which had Tucker busted open by the end. Maybe someday, we’ll actually get some clue as to who that guy actually is under the mask. More importantly, maybe someday, we’ll get some clue as to why Tucker never takes off his shirt. He showers in that thing, and it’s just weird. It never smells though, which is even weirder. Possibly because he showers in it, though. Huh. I dunno, man.
FIVE-STAR MATCH!
Watch FIVE STAR MATCH: Tupac Machine vs. Tucker Schertz from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvNERD STATS
Approximate Length: 1:24
Approx. Avg. Match Length: 17:20
Average Match Rating: 86.5 **** (Wow)
This is normally where I’d do the whole CLIP O’ THE WEEK~! thing, but hell, you got two whole 5-star matches, just accept that and be happy. Now, go away.