STRUGGLE LIVE! from the ol’ Vito Genovese building, in a TAG TEAM EXTRAVAGANZA, which was probably a bad idea, since we might actually be reasonably close to throwing all f these people back together for a title tournament. Some new teams debuted, with unfortunate results. Oh well. Here’s the whole show, which will disappear in I think two weeks. (I think? Or is it three? Stupid Twitch.) Watch it, then read words about it.
Watch some wrestlings while I wait for the laundry to get done from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvMATCH #1: Bad Religion (Rabbi Spike & Father Mayhem) defeated BIG BOI SEASON (El Grande Chungus & BIG TREAT BOY) in 20:53 when Mayhem chokeslammed TREAT BOY
Nerd Rating: 85% *** 1/2*
Oh, look at that, the BRs finally had a match that wasn’t a draw. Honestly, it was their least impressive showing to date, but it was enough, I guess. And really, I appreciate Chungus and TREAT BOY’s pure and beautiful friendship based on their mutual appreciation of Daelmans brand Stroopwafels, but they just haven’t gelled well as a tag team. And it’s weird, because TREAT BOY has been surprisingly impressive as a singles wrestler, he’s definitely the weak link in this team. You gotta stop dancing while they’re beating up your partner. Jesus.
MATCH #2: COKE PARTY (Ross Coke & PARTY TIGER) defeated the Fighting Cocks (Rhode Island Red & Buff Orpington) in38:31 when Tiger moonsaulted Red
Nerd Rating: 93% ****
It looks like Ross Coke has taken a brief break from his vendetta against Crash Ferrari (If you missed it, he broke Ricky Coke’s neck a while back) to get back into tag team action, while Ricky’s all laid up in one of those big halo neckbraces at their parents’ house, being surreptitiously fed cocaine by their long-suffering maid, who has a heart of gold. Anyway, this is probably a bad idea on his part, as he’s already a strong enough candidate for a massive heart attack without his usual substance abuses supplemented by whatever the hell PARTY TIGER is on. Way I hear it, she’s flying at an 80s Ozzy Osbourne “snorting ants and pissing on landmarks” level. And we hired her. Good God. (she’s really nice, though) Anyway, they fougt this new team, The Fighting Cocks, and the Cocks actually looked really good. (Yup, this is one that’s not gonna get tedious within minutes) They’ve got a nice mix of a shoot-ish guy and a big ol’ hoss, and they controlled most of the match. Orpington, though, I dunno, he looked lost out there sometimes, and there were long stretches where Red would be getting his ass beat outside, and Buff would just be hanging out in the middle of the ring. I’m really hoping we don’t have another guy out there, wrestling piss-ass drunk, which would be like 75% of the roster, at this point. In the end, Ross and Tiger beat the Cocks, and I have to go rethink my life. This was a super-entertaining match with a lot of highlights, and in hindsight, I’m wondering if that 93% the Nerds gave this was 7 points too low.
HIGHLIGHTS!
MATCH #3: The Evil Administration (Agent Fang & Agent Bulldog) defeated Reverse Racism (OG Minh & The Inscrutable JEFF) in 18:56 when Fang hit the Deep State Driver on Minh
Nerd Rating: 86% *** 1/2*
Man, things looked bleak for the Evil Administration a few weeks back, but Fang is healthy, the President is pissed-off again, and they took out the RRs pretty convincingly. (referring to tag teams with abbreviations is my new thing, so I won’t have to talk about Cocks all day) I guess this is good for them, but bad for the rest of us. At one point, JEFF got hung into the Tree of Woe and somehow got punched in such a way that turned him rightside-up, which has to be some kind of devil magic.
HIGHLIGHTS!
MATCH #4: Big Winthorp & Lil’ Xeljanz defeated The 46 Defenders (Walter & Neal Grabowski) in 22:50 when Xeljanz hit Walter with a swinging neckbreaker
Nerd Rating: 87% *** 1/2
Oh look, another new tag team with an overweight, middle-aged man who lives on a diet of pork and cheese. This will end well. Overall, the 46s looked good, but I’m convinced that little twerp Xeljanz made some sort of Faustian bargain, because he won this one again. On a regular-ass neckbreaker, too. I’m telling you people, it’s some kind of kung-fu, like while we think he’s sauntering around the ring doing nothing, he’s hitting them five times with his chi or some shit. I don’t understand any of this.
HIGHLIGHT!
MATCH #5: The Masked Turds defeated the Rockin’ Rocksmen (Rockin’ Roland & Rollin’ Rocky) in 20:42 when Turd #2 hit Roland with the Proctologist Bomb
Nerd Rating: 77% ** 1/2*
Wait, what the hell!? No one told me that the Rocksmen would be there, and I’m the one who booked the damn show. The last time I heard from either one of those guys, Roland was 300 pounds of non-muscle, wrestling bums in a VFW hall for crack money in 2013, and Rocky was gassed beyond reason, getting his neck broken by President Evil in Olive Japan ten years ago, because he was too immobile to tuck his head on a powerbomb. Yet here they are, and Roland is apparently sober, even if he looks like hell, and Rocky still looks like a bronzed god, but wrestles like a 60 year-old man, which is what they both are. Anyway, they probably could’ve pulled this one out, but their old 1980s strategy of “let them tire themselves out beating up Roland, followed by Rocky getting the hot tag” falls apart when Rocky never makes the save. Seriously, I’m starting to think the whole “oh, we had a falling out, but we’re good now” thing is bullshit, based on his lack of eagerness to pull Turds off of Roland. anyway, this wasn’t an embarrasment, but it was very apparent who the team of senior citizens was.
HIGHLIGHT!
MATCH #6: BARBED WIRE DEATHMATCH – Pitbull Van Scorpio defeated Screaming Rage Man in 10:48 with the Tazmission
Nerd Rating: 72% **
Wow, this match… Really sucked. It was brief and uneventful, somehow no one bled in a barbed wire match, and Rage Man has really fallen off lately. Might need to book him against somebody like Bucko or Bob to get his mojo back before he falls completely out of title contention.
MATCH #7: BARBED WIRE DEATHMATCH – The Undertaken defeated Toxic Walt in 13:32 with a chokeslam
Nerd Rating: 72% **
This… I dunno, it was acceptable. I’m still not entirely sold on the widely-accepted notion that Taken is literally one of the unquiet dead, but I never got to test my theory by seeing if he could still bleed actual blood. I still haven’t found the match where (name redacted for legal reasons, rhymes with “Schmundertaker”) zipped him up in a faulty Ruggle brand bodybag, and I even spent 9.99 on that stupid Network. I just know this whole story is bullshit, I just haven’t been able to prove it yet. Decent wrestler, though. Basically, that little zombie-man-thing just whipped Walt’s ass up and down the ring.
MATCH #8: The Think Tanks (X & Y) defeated the Masked Instigators (#1 & #5) in 12:22 when Y hit #5 with a flying elbow drop
Nerd Rating: 68% * 1/2*
Ugh, goddammit. If Grunson and Smales are going to try and get extra bookings by putting on masks, they need to at least wear different tights, or try that move on a night where they’re actually booked. Anyway, this was pretty much torture porn. The Tanks just relentlessly whipped those poor fools’ asses, and then just kinda pinned one when they got tired of doing so.
HIGHLIGHTS!
MATCH #9: President Evil defeated Grizzle 4 Shizzle in 10:46 with the Constitutional Crisis
Nerd Rating: 79% ** 1/2*
If I was Grizzle, I’d have just refused to give Prez a rematch, and rode that victory to bigger and better things. But he has his pride, and is kind of stupid, so here we go. The President was insane with fervor again, and just whipped his ass with hammers and chairs far too many times for much hope of a repeat of last time. That being said, he did hit the Kodiak bomb for something dangerously close to a three count, but Prez kicked out, and choked him out less than a minute later. The Campaign of Darkness is back on track.
HIGHLIGHT!
MATCH #10: Ace La Grange defeated Gummo Nakamura in 23:40 with the Sharpshooter
Nerd Rating: 98% **** 1/2*
Two of the old hounds of the original STRUGGLE face off. the last time these two foiught, Ace had a wife, a full head of hair, and a body not unlike a brick shithouse, and Gummo was still called Gary Nantucket and was not yet difficult to look at shirtless. Anyway, on paper, this was a shitfest that had no place at the top of the card, but in life, they tore the place down. Gummo’s made an outstanding transition to “broken down old man who just hammers the hell of people’s faces and/or balls,” and Ace, man, I dunno. Again, he looks like hell, and he needs to save up enough for some actual ring gear, give up on the dream of having long hair, (I myself gave up on it around ’91) and maybe jog his ass around the block a few times. But aside from having no height on his dropkick anymore, he looks like 2004 Ace out there lately. Is it true? Is he really good now? Or is he just going to fuck us all again, like last time? I dunno, and neither do you, and that’s why you watch. WRESTLING!
MATCH OF THE WEEK: Ace vs. Gummo
Watch (Almost a) FIVE-STAR MATCH! – Ace La Grange vs. Gummo Nakamura from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvSTATS FOR THE NERDS:
Approximate length: 3:13 – too long, Jesus
Avg. Match length: 21:30
Avg. Match Rating: 81.7% ***
Now, as always, go away.