STRUGGLE Pro, back again, check it to wreck it, let’s begin… Or something. It was a night marred by production screw-ups and a new crew of Nerd Raters who are way more strict than the old guys, but otherwise, okay, I guess? As always, here’s the Twitch video, which they’ll delete in a couple of weeks, minus the last match, which somehow ended up getting recorded separately, but it’s nothing worth writing home abut, so I’m not bothering to link to it. Watch it, then reads some words.
Watch time for some wrestlings, I suppose from Turrible666 on www.twitch.tvMATCH #1: BATTLE ROYAL – Pam From Human Resources defeated Hannah Bananarama, Hoda Duda-Day, Zelda Lucabrasi, Agent Bulldog, and Virginia Slams in 31:34
Hoda pinned Hannah after a piledriver at 1:24
Zelda pinned Hoda after a superkick at 13:07
Bulldog CRITICAL!ed Zelda with the Federal Raid at 14:10
Virginia pinned Bulldog after a Roll-Your-Own Elbow at 19:46
Pam submitted Virginia with The Pink Slip at 31:34
Nerd Rating: 86% (they didn’t give a star rating, and the star rating scale has changed, so I don’t know what that would be.
First of all, I guess we can officially state that Pam is for real. We finally put her in a situation where she might actually face physical harm, and damned if she didn’t make one of our best tap out. I’m still ready to pencil in Yumiko as the first new champ, but hey, one more in the hunt, at least. Otherwise, this match was bizarre, because it had some weird Final Destination curse shit going on, where everyone who eliminated someone was always the next to get taken out themselves. Weird. Zelda is now 2-0 against Hoda, but 0-1 against her brain rattling around inside her head. To the Concussion Protocol she goes.
CRITICAL!
MATCH #2: Tucker Schertz defeated O.G. Minh with the Slingblade in 21:25
Nerd Rating: 100% *****
Well, this was surprising. Not that they had a good match, mind you. As boring as he is as a person, Tucker’s a technical master, and Minh can pretty much hold his own with anybody. I’m just surprised that a crowd full of drunken, pill-popping degenerate perverts were so into what was mostly a scientific match. There really weren’t any big highlight reel “oh shit” moments, just two guys going out there and being good at wrestling. tucker’s pretty clearly going to be one of our stars on the wrestling end of things, and now, we just gotta find a way to make him more interesting. If we can’t get him to take off his shirt, maybe we’ll get him a shirt with a design on it or something, I dunno. It’s not good for business when one of your top guys’ ring gear can be had in a 4-pack for 12 bucks.
MATCH: #3: Lil’ Xeljanz & Big Winthorp defeated The Uberklaw and Buford Randall when Winthorp chokelsammed Klaw off the top turnbuckle in 19:19
Nerd Rating: 82% *** (Hey, that used to be four stars. Fuckin’ Bix.)
Well, this was weird. When that shitty little brat signed on, I figured either he’d go out there once, get his ass kicked, and quit immediately, or that Winthorp would have to carry all the weight. But he actually did okay? Maybe we mistook his molasses-ass movements as him just being chemically weighed down by various illicitly-acquired prescription drugs, when it’s actually some kind of goddamn kung-fu slow-hand technique. Who knows. either way, Winthorp could probably run awa with the heavyweight belt if he wasn’t so dedicated to teaming with that weirdo, even if he did get bonked on the head and dive out of the ring onto nobody at one point. Meanwhile, throw Uberklaw on the Disappointment Pile with Big Dick Fuchs.
HIGHLIGHT!
MATCH #4: Cyberta defeated Taco Belle with a Literal Iron Claw in 13:23
Nerd Rating: 74% ** (fuuuuck yooou, Biiiix)
Well, Brain God brought out his latest mad science monster, and she’s got goddamn ROBOT ARMS. Actually, I remember Roberta from back in the day; she did some jobs here and there for us right before the company folded, then got disarmed (I feel bad for that joke) in a factory accident after fuckin’ Stevie wouldn’t pay to fix an emergency stop button at the body bag factory. He’d drop $1300 for TVs in the breakroom, but not $40 for a new button, the fucking idiot… Anyway, she’s back, and she’s got goddamn ROBOT ARMS, as I mentioned, and Taco Belle actually controlled most of the match, but what can you really do against goddamn ROBOT ARMS, you know? ROBOT ARMS.
MATCH #5: HARDCORE MATCH – Pitbull Van Scorpio defeated Nasty Dick Bacteria with the Tazmission in 15:52
Nerd Rating: 79% **1/2*
I can’t really think of much to say about this one. They hit each other with all kinds of crazy nonsense, then Pitbull choked out Nasty Dick. That sounded bad.
MATCH #6: ACCIDENTAL HARDCORE MATCH – Gummo Nakamura defeated Mayonnaise Boy in 12:28 by punching his face repeatedly
Nerd Rating: 70% *1/2* (the new nerds are clearly not ghouls)
That stupid-ass ring crew… “Hey guys,” I said, “better go get those wepons out of the ring,” I said. But nooo, they didn’t, and this turned into another blood match. Honestly, this was another kind of uneventful one, as far as gruesomely violent spectacle is concerned. The ending was kind of disturbing, as the Artist formerly Known as Gary Nantucket just started bashing Mayo Boy in the face repeatedly, and the ref just kind of stopped it, to prevent an involuntary homicide from happening. There’s a lot of that going on in regional wrestling lately, from what I hear.
MATCH #7: HARDCORE EXTREME ELIMINATION TORNADO TAG: Ross Coke (captain), Skip Legday, Tupac Machine, & Manchoma the Randy Savage defeated Crash Ferrari (captain), Screaming Rage Man, Trondheim Troy, & Froggy Terry in a 28:39 massacre.
Tupac Machine pinned Crash after a diving headbutt at 20:08
Manchoma CRITICAL!ed Terry with a rebound Exotic Cutter at 20:56
Tupac Machine submitted Rage Man with a cross armbreaker at 22:50
Tupac Machine submitted Troy with another cross armbreaker at 28:39
Nerd Rating: 80% ***
Well, Ross Coke is on a warpath of revenge against Crash Ferrari for taking out his little brother, (and Crash is an asshole, but I’m not gonna lie, Ricky shoulda stayed down) and this was a pretty emphatic start. He assembled a crew on killers basically, and they took down Crash’s team without any of their own guys getting pinned. Tupac Machine in particular was well.. A machine, I guess. (Imagine if he had goddamn ROBOT ARMS) I almost want to feel bad for Trondheim Troy, because once it got down to four-on-one, they just kind of kicked his ass until they felt like stopping, but I dunno. I heard those black metal guys have some real sketchy politics, so fuck him. Meanwhile, Terry’s not going to try and steal anyone’s finishing moves for a while. (He’s not hurt that bad, just day-to-day, at this point)
CRITICAL!
MATCH #8: GHW ACCIDENTAL HARDCORE MATCH: Garfield Vanzetti defeated Strauss with a tactical high kick in 13:10
Nerd Rating: 66% * 1/2*
Again, we need to hire better help around here. I told them to get the weapons out of the ring again, and this time, they did, but they just tossed them out of the window and into the GHW ring we had set up out in the lot beside the building. (don’t ask me why the GHW matches were outside, it was their idea, not mine) anyway, this was disappointing, mostly in that the old asshole in the bullet-proof vest won. We should fit the dinosaur guy or that giant oaf Brain God’s been training for some overalls, and send them over to end that prick.
MATCH #9: GHW HANDICAP TAG MATCH: Lorelei Grim defeated Churd Grunson & Dick Smales with a couple of Burnin’ Lariats in 5:55
Nerd Rating: 55% DUD (oh, fuck you)
Hahahaha, oh god, she just murdered two adult, grown-ass men with lariats, hahaha. I could watch this forever.
CRITICAL!
MATCH #10: The Think Tanks defeated The Masked Turds, but the video screwed up, and I don’t remember how or when
Nerd Rating: that was lost to the sands of time, as well
There was another technical screw-up here, but it was on Twitch’s end, not ours, for once. Anyway, most of the footage was unwatchable, and the end got erased completely. I just remember that the Tanks pretty much won, and then the ref decided it was an elimination match, so they just stomped the remaining Turd for a while. For some reason, they kept pulling shit out from under the ring, and everybody was bleeding, and I’m not entirely convinced that Tank Y is as smart as they say he is, because he vertical suplexed people with barbed-wire bats directly underneath him a couple of times. Oh well.
MATCH #11: President Evil defeated Gunnar Van Heusen with the Constitutional Crisis in 10:56
Nerd Rating: 71% **
After he lost to the Bear guy a few days ago, there were some whisperings in whatever parts of the internet have replaced the dirt sheets that the Prez was finally slowing down, and that maybe STRUGGLE needed a new chief super-villain, but then, he went out there and just whipped that kid’s ass. He dog-walked the sonovabitch, just beat the brakes off of him, and it was ugly and dark. The most disturbing part is that Gunnar never stopped smiling, like even as he was literally being stabbed. That kid’s too innocent and wholesome for this godforsaken business, and hopefully I’ll win the lottery and disappear before it inevitably eats him alive.
STATS FOR THE NERDS*
Approximate total Match Time: 2:52:30 (too long)
Average Length: 17:15
Average Nerd Rating: 76.3 ** 1/2*
*I left off Tanks vs. Turds, because that info got lost
It didn’t all go as planned, and the new Nerds are extremely stingy with those star ratings, but overall, not a disaster? Now, go away.