Gonna try something a bit different this week. I figured if we have Invisible Backstage Cameras everywhere, we might as well send Murray to the locker rooms to try and get some post-match reactions from some of the wrestlers. Of course, it was a complete friggin’ disaster, (seriously trying to cuss less on here) but everything we’ve done since the relaunch has been disastrous on some level, so we’ll probably keep doing it. Here’s the video, which will be gone in a couple weeks, as will some of you, considering the abundance of alcohol-related deaths in the Tri-State area. And your last days are precious, so spend them watching wrestling. Here’s the link to the show before they take it down, I may or may not embed it later, but I’m on my phone, and that’s hard to do from here.
MATCH #1: Zelda Lucabrasi defeated Virginia Slams in 19:08 with “When the Moonsault Hits Your Eye” ⭐⭐⭐⭐
POST-MATCH WITH VIRGINIA SLAMS:
MURRAY STADANKOWICZ: Virginia, that was a tough loss to a promising newcomer. If you don’t mind me asking, what do you think went wrong for you in that match?
VIRGINIA SLAMS: (unintelligible)
MURRAY: Uhh… You don’t say…
VIRGINIA: (unintelligible)
MURRAY: Well, uhhh, I suppose so. I… I guess.
VIRGINIA: (unintelligible)
MURRAY: Well, uhhh, there you have it folks, straight from-
VIRGINIA: (lights up a Camel non-filter, blows smoke directly in Murray’s face, then walks off)
MURRAY: (coughs) Good talking to you, too.
MATCH #2: Mayonnaise Boy defeated El Grande Chungus in 16:16 with the testicular claw – ⭐⭐⭐
POST-MATCH WITH MAYONNAISE BOY:
MURRAY: Mr… Uhh… Boy? If I could have a word with-
MAYONNAISE BOY: Mmm, yes, you can more than just a word, my dear boy.
MURRAY: Oh, uhh, thank you very much! anyway, it’s been tough going for you lately, but you finally pulled off a win against a tough opponent in Chungus. How does it feel to finally get back in the “win” column?
MAYO BOY: Mmm, yes, I do recall a time spent in my reckless youth with a dear friend at his chateau on the isle of Corsica. It was quite a time, the freedom of languishing nude on the beach, our oiled bodies glistening in the sun… Murray?
MURRAY: (looking extremely uncomfortable) Uhh…. Y-yes?
MAYO BOY: Do you like… Plums?
MURRAY: (nervously) Well, I… I suppose…
MAYO: (slowly moving closer) Many a night was spent in the orchard, dining my host’s… most delectable plums. They were the sweetest plums I had ever tasted. Murray, my boy?
MURRAY: (visibly sweating, terrified) Uh huh?
MAYO BOY: (leaning in uncomfortably close, nearly nose-to-nose) Would you… Would you like to taste my plums, Murray?
MURRAY: (backing up quickly) Hoo boy, look at the time, guess I gotta do some more interviews, bye! (he literally runs off down the hallway, knocking over a trash can and tripping over a mop in the process)
MAYO BOY: (sighing dejectedly) Ah damn, you’ve done it again. (shrugs) Welp, guess it’s all up to me then… (He delicately ties a napkin around his neck and pulls a gallon Zip-Loc bag full of plums out of a locker)
MATCH #3: Bad Religion defeated the 46 Defenders in 20:39 when Rabbi Spike CRITICAL!ed Walter Grabowski with Dodonce’s Throne – ⭐⭐⭐
POST-MATCH WITH NEAL GRABOWSKI:
MURRAY: Neal, that was a scary moment at the end, where your uncle Walter had to be helped out of the arena. Do you have any updates on his condition?
NEAL: Well, ya know, he’s havin’ a bit of a problem wit’ his ribs dere, Murray. An’ I’m not a dahctor, but I think he mighta aggervated dat old rib injury he got from da tree open-heart surgeries he’s had.
MURRAY: Wait, you’re saying he’s had multiple heart surgeries, and he’s still wrestling!?
NEAL: Well, ya know, it’s kinda a concern, but den again, Dan Hampton had twelve knee surgeries, and he still led da Bears to ultimate victory in da Super Bowl.
MURRAY: But… His heart, though. I mean, I’m no doctor, but that seems bad.
NEAL: Now look, I’m not gonna say my uncle is up dere wit da Danimal, but he’s at least a solid Jim Flanigan type. Real lunchpail guy. He’ll be back in no time.
MURRAY: Well, if you say so.
MATCH #4: Tyrannosaurus Plex defeated Ugly, Stupid Bob in 13:27 with the Pterodactyl Wing Suplex – ⭐⭐
POST-MATCH WITH TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX:
MURRAY: T-Plex, that was an impressive victory, can you share some of the strategy that led to the big win?
T-PLEX: T-PLEX CRUSH! SMASH! DESTROY! I SMASH! I BREAK HIM! I EAT HIS FLESH AND GNAW HIS BOOOONES! (coughs) Also, strategy-wise, him more brawler than technical wrestler, me go to ground game early, and he have no answer. Furthermore, him always lead with head, walk right into T-Plex offense, just poor technique, really. Very, very poor.
MURRAY: Oh, well that was very insightful. Thank you for your time.
T-PLEX: It my pleasure as always, Murray.
MATCH #5 Lorelei and Jezebel Grim defeated the Vanzettis in 24:49 when Jezebel hit Patience with a brainbuster – ⭐⭐⭐⭐
POST-MATCH WITH THE GRIMS:
MURRAY: I’m here with two of the Grim sisters, Lorelei and Jezebel, and first off, I feel you two should know, Garfield Vanzetti has filed a formal complaint, saying you cheated in the match, and he’s seeking to have the result overturned. What do you think of this new development?
LORELEI: Aw, sugar, you don’t even know, we’ve been dealin’ with this sorta thing from that man since we was young’uns. He ain’t got a leg to stand on, and he knows it, but bless his little heart, I don’t think that man can feel alive if he’s not pretendin’ to get victimized somehow.
JEZEBEL: (In between swigs from a tallboy of Steel Reserve) Eh, you know what? Fuck that asshole. Fuck him, and fuck his wife, too.
LORELEI: Jezebel!
JEZEBEL: I’m just sayin’, if Little Lord Fauntleroy has a problem with somethin’ I do in the ring, he can say it to my face, and I’ll fuckin’ solve it for him. And he can bring that skinny little bitch for backup too, if he wants, unless she’s too busy suckin’ off the mailman or some shit.
LORELEI: Jezebel Grim! You watch your mouth!
JEZEBEL: (rolling her eyes before opening another can, apparently having finished the first one) Heh, I find it works better if you listen to ’em, but the hell do I know? Lip-read away, I guess.
LORELEI: See, Jessie? All this cussin’ and hollerin’ and carryin’ on, and that smart mouth of yours, that’s why you can’t find you a man!
JEZEBEL: (Smirking) Well, granted, I may not have landed a real live Rhodes Scholar like you did, Lori, but trust me, I got no problems finding ’em, I just never feel like keepin’ ’em for longer than necessary.
LORELEI: (shaking her head) I swear, I just don’t understand you sometimes.
JEZEBEL: (Trying not to laugh, but mostly failing) Well, if I gotta explain it to you… Sometimes, when a man… (holding up her right index finger) meets a woman… (making a circle with her left hand, not unlike the “okay” sign) they might develop a certain level of fondness for one another… (she slowly moves her finger toward the hole) and then, they-
LORELEI: Oh good Lord Jesus, I know about all that! Why do you have to be such a little shit all the time?
JEZEBEL: (Just barely holding back her laughter) I dunno, but maybe you oughtta watch your mouth, Lorelei.
LORELEI: (just frowns silently, while Jezebel looks at her with a big, shit-eating grin)
MATCH #6: President Evil vs. El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine was ruled a NO CONTEST after the Think Tank (X, Y, and Humungulus) interfered at 8:36 – n/a
POST-MATCH WITH PRESIDENT EVIL:
MURRAY: (Jogging to catch up with Evil, who is walking down a hallway at a pace that indicates he has a clear purpose in mind) Excuse me, Mr. President, I just want to ask about-
PRESIDENT EVIL: (Pauses, glares at Murray for about five seconds, then turns toward a shelf covered in various tools. He deliberately pulls a rusty ball-peen hammer from the pile, considers it for a second, then nods silently to himself, before continuing his march toward a nearby exit)
MURRAY: (Wisely no longer following) Uh, okay then, thank you for your time?
MATCH #7: Zippity Duda defeated Uno Muerte in 22:12 with a flash rollup – ⭐⭐⭐
POST-MATCH WITH ZIPPITY DUDA:
(Murray approaches Zippity, microphone in hand, but after seeing that Zippity and his mother, Hoda Duda-Day, seem to be in a heated conversation, he decides to stay the hell out of it)
ZIPPITY: (frustrated) …But, but… Muerte is one of the best guys we have! I’m pretty sure he’s never lost a match! And I beat him! Doesn’t that mean anything to you?
HODA: (Dismissively, after pausing to light a cigarette) One of the best cruiserweights.
ZIPPITY: He was undefeated!
HODA: (Barely paying attention, phone in hand, swiping through profiles of middle-aged men on Tinder who all seem to be wearing Oakleys and holding fish) Undefeated against cruiserweights.
ZIPPITY: But mother, I’m a cruiserweight!
HODA: Yeah, well that’s not my fault, I tried to raise you right. (Stops and exhales, blowing smoke right in Zip’s face, but not so much maliciously, as she just didn’t even consider that he was even standing there) But if you’re gonna keep slacking off, you’re never going to amount to anything.
ZIPPITY: But… I beat Tupac Machine a week ago! He’s a former world champion!
HODA: Hmph. World cruiserweight champion. (Pulling the phone back from her face slightly, with a puzzled look) Is… Is that a fuckin’… halibut?
ZIPPITY: I don’t understand what you want from me! I’m never going ro be a heavyweight! I have a small frame! I’m not going to get any taller!
HODA: Not with that attitude.
MATCH #8: Gunnar Van Heusen defeated The Überklaw in 10:39 with a flash jackknife pin – ⭐⭐⭐
POST-MATCH WITH THE ÜBERKLAW:
MURRAY: Excuse me, Mr. Klaw, if I could have a moment, that was a tough loss to the promising rookie. What do you think went wrong, and strategically, how do you keep something like that from happening again?
KLAW: (Starts speaking German, as a look of panic suddenly comes over Murray’s face)
MURRAY: Oh. Uhh, well, I, uhhh…
KLAW: (Continues, totally not acknowledging the fact that Murray obviously has no idea what he’s saying, just going on in great length and detail, often illustrating points with his giant-ass hands)
MURRAY: Oh well, hey, what do you know, that’s, uhhh… Hey thanks for your time… guy. (He leaves in a hurry)
KLAW: (Quietly watches Murray walk away, then shakes his head) Mein Gott, vat a dumbass…
MATCH #9: CANNONBALLS! Defeated Secret Pete in 18:36 with the CANNONBOTTOM – ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
POST-MATCH WITH CANNONBALLS!
MURRAY: Mr. Balls, that was an impressive victory against an unorthodox opponent. You seem to be on an upward trajectory as of late, so what’s next? Where do you go from here?
CANNONBALLS!: (literally double-fisting cans of Monster energy drink like some kind of goddamn fiend) WHOOOOO! HELL YEAH! HELLLL YEAAAAHHH! I’M GONNA- WHOOOO! I GOTTA NEW TRAMPOLINE! GONNA SEE IF I CAN LAND ON THE ROOF THIS TIME!
MURRAY: Well, I was specifically asking about your wrestling-
CANNONBALLS!: I HEARD THERE’S A MOUNTAIN LION IN THE WOODS BEHIND MY HOUSE! (tosses the cans in a nearby wastebasket, and immediately opens two more) GONNA CATCH HIM! MURRAY! GONNA CATCH THAT LION AND MAKE HIM BE MY FRIEND!
MURRAY: Are you sure that’s a good idea?
CANNONBALLS!: YEAH! HELL YEAH! I GOTTA GO! WHOOOOOO!
(CANNONBALLS! Sprints toward a nearby exit and somehow just leaps headfirst completely through it, just blowing it off the hinges entirely. As he speeds off in a tricked out Toyota Supra, President Evil can clearly be seen beating the shit out of Brain God’s car with a familiar ball-peen hammer)
MATCH #10: Screaming Rage Man DREW Manchoma the Randy Savage in 30:00 – ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐ (but if we’re being real here, that match was five stars in my heart)
Here’s the link to the match; I’ll embed it later.
POST-MATCH WITH SCREAMING RAGE MAN:
MURRAY: Rage Man, you’ve just had what could easily be described as an all- out war with Manchoma the Randy Savage. How disappointed are you that the clock ran out before there could be a definitive result?
RAGE MAN: BLEEEAAAAAARGH!!! WOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!! RRRRAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
MURRAY: Well, what do you think you could’ve done differently, as far as a match strategy?
RAGE MAN: (pauses for a second, strokes chin as though deep in thought) FWWWAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHHH!!! RRRAAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHH!!!! (picks up a nearby folding chair and smashes it into his own face repeatedly before hurling it across the room) YYYEEEEEAAAAAARGGHH!!!
MURRAY: Well, there you have it folks. This rivalry is far from over!
RAGE MAN: (jumping up and down) GGWWWAAAAAAARGGHH!!!!!!
POST-MATCH WITH MANCHOMA, THE RANDY SAVAGE
MURRAY: Manchoma, you clearly seemed to have the upper hand in the closing moments of your match with Rage Man, are you disappointed that the clock ran out?
MANCHOMA: Well you know something, Murray, my opponent always has an unfair advantage in any match with a time limit, because everyone knows that you can’t put a time limit on Manchoma, because we all know that I like to go all night long, if ya know what I mean. (He looks directly into the camera and winks, even though it’s a hidden camera, and he theoretically shouldn’t know where it is)
MURRAY: (oblivious) Well, sir, that’s an interesting strategy, because most wrestlers try to defeat their opponents as quickly as possible.
MANCHOMA: (pauses and stares quizzically for a second, before going back into his spiel) Well, ya see brother, Manchoma always likes to go long and hard, and you’re always gonna be in for a serious pounding, if ya know what I mean, heh heh heh. (Flashes a grin at the camera, and somehow one of his teeth sparkles like it was a special effect added in post-production, followed by one of his many, many abdominal muscles doing the same)
MURRAY: (Incredibly oblivious) It’s interesting that you say that, because at least in comparison to Rage Man, you took much more of a technical approach, rather than just unscientific brawling.
MANCHOMA: (Raises an eyebrow and opens his mouth for a second, as if he wants to say something, but is at a complete loss for words. He finally sort of just shakes his head and places a hand on Murray’s shoulder) Don’t ever change, man. You dear, sweet, innocent child.
MURRAY: But… But I’m like forty.
MANCHOMA: (Just stares at Murray for a second with a pained expression, then just kind of shrugs and heads off to the locker room)
MURRAY: Huh… I wonder what that was all about. (Jezebel Grim suddenly walks into frame)
JEZEBEL: Yeah, it’s definitely a mystery, dude, but uhh, I think I’m gonna go make some inquiries, and uhhh, see what pops up. (she starts walking hurriedly toward the men’s locker room)
MURRAY: Oh hey, thanks, that would be great!
JEZEBEL: Heh. Oh yeah, I’m sure it’s gonna be.