THE SCENE: If you’re here, you probably already read the previous three installments. If not, go back and do that. Anyway, at the behest of HAPSBURG RAYTHEON VI’s personal valet MR. WEI, NATE and ABDUL have just run outside, where PRESIDENT EVIL and EL HIJO DEL BIG BIRD MACHINE are in the process of beating the shit each other, although to be honest, EVIL is definitely getting the upper hand. Meanwhile, an assortment of wrestlers and trainees from the Hoss Dojo next door have gathered around, because everyone loves a fight, I dunno.
After a brief exchange of blows, EVIL grabs HIJO and just sort of flings him into a nearby parked car, sending him crashing to the ground in a shower of broken glass. Being super pissed-off, HIJO gets up immediately and charges, to a chorus of assorted hoots, hollers, and heckles from the gathered crowd of onlookers.
PRESIDENT EVIL: Hahaha! Oh look, everybody! Baby Bird’s got heart! Shoulda stayed down, dumbass!
PARKING LOT DUVAL: Aw man! My home!
EL HIJO DEL BIG BIRD MACHINE: You son of a bitch!
SKIP LEGDAY: Hey! C’mon, knock it off! Save it for the ring!
DONITA ZAPATA: Fuck that! Kick his ass!
IVAN GROZNY JR.: Wait, kick whose ass?
DONITA ZAPATA: Eh, either one works for me, to be honest.
CRAWDAD HOSHINO: Albatross!
YUMIKO LA GRANGE: I really should have stayed in school. Maybe gone to college…
BUSINESS CLOWN: Alright, I got fifty on Evil! Any takers?
HARBINGER CALAMITY: By defeating the young bird, he only delays his doom!
HARBINGER DOOM: DOOOOOOM! (Also, I got twenty on the Bird kid.) DOOOOOM!
YUMIKO LA GRANGE: …I could have been a dentist or a ballerina…
THE GUY IN THE BAD BRAINS SHIRT WHO SELLS DOPE OUT OF HIS HATCHBACK: You know, man, if you got a twenty burning a hole in your pocket, I might have something for that…
SOCCER NINJA: Oh jeez, why do they have to use their hands so much?
YUMIKO LA GRANGE: …Or a janitor, anything but this. Fuck!
(By now. the tide has turned completely, and EVIL pins EL HIJO against a parked SUV starts repeatedly driving his knee into the kid’s ribs. What’s worse, his three henchmen, FANG, BULLDOG, and 35 have begun circling the scene, and it’s apparent that this isn’t going to remain one-on-one for long. Finally, led by UNCLE ABDUL, a group of wrestlers intervenes, separating the two. ABDUL, SKIP LEGDAY, and DREAD LOBSTER struggle to hold back EL HIJO, while the wrestlers attempting to restrain EVIL are quickly dispersed by the three Evil Agents, who stand guard while he calmly stands back and talks shit.)
EL HIJO: No! Let me go!
EVIL: Ha! Yes, by all means, let him go!
ABDUL: Goddammit Evil! What did I just tell you about pulling bullshit like this!?
EVIL: Fuck off, Abdul! Baby Bird there started it. He jumped me from behind!
AGENT FANG: Wait, I could’ve sworn he came right at you, like he called you out and everything.
EVIL: Dammit, Fang…
FANG: I mean, uhh… It was a sneak attack! He was silent, but deadly! It was death from above, like a cat in the night!
EVIL: Laying it on kinda thick there, little buddy…
FANG: Sorry.
EVIL: It’s okay. But yeah, the point is that he started this!
EL HIJO: Bullshit, Evil! You started it at Warriorversary!
EVIL: Hahahahahaha, seriously!? That’s what this is about? Wow, I knew your old man was a coward, but this is a new low! Yellow’s a good color on him! I mean, seriously, sending your kids to fight your battles? Real father-of-the-year material right there! It’s no wonder that there’s only one of his little bastards left that still speaks to him!
(This being the absolute final straw, EL HIJO somehow manages to break free and takes off at a full sprint toward EVIL. EL HIJO sends EVIL crashing into the brick wall next to where the old nail salon used to be, but EVIL manages to take control of the situation, grabbing the smaller man and slamming him against the wall, followed by delivering a knee to the gut that leaves EL HIJO gasping for air)
EVIL: I’ll give you this, Baby Bird, you’re not as chickenshit as your dad.
(EVIL throws a right hook that sends EL HIJO’s head snapping to the side, then grabs him by the back of his mask and seemingly sizes him up for the knockout blow)
EVIL: …Or maybe you’re just too stupid to be scared? Anyway, it’s been fun.
(EVIL throws a wild haymaker with all his strength, but EL HIJO manages to duck it, and EVIL ends up punching the brick wall instead. The resulting audible crunch elicits a groan from the gathered throng of wrestlers, and EVIL drops to one knee, grabbing his right hand and clearly in serious pain. He gets up quickly, but immediately turns around just in time for EL HIJO to catch him flush with a devastating blow directly to the bridge of the nose that sends him stumbling backwards to the sidewalk, where his head bounces off the concrete like a goddamn basketball. He manages somehow to stagger back to his feet, but the front of his hood is already shiny with fresh blood, and he has the wide-eyed, confused look of a man who whose brain has short-circuited, and who will most likely not remember the next few minutes of his life.)
IVAN GROZNY JR.: Holy shit! Evil’s hurt!
YUMIKO LA GRANGE: Oh. Oh no. That is a real shame. Heh.
HARBINGER CALAMITY: YES! The twenty-five dollars is MINE! As foretold in the ancient scrolls of legend!
AGENT 35: Uhh… Should we do something about this?
CRAWDAD HOSHINO: Ohhh, he nose sarsparilla light bulb ass!
(EVIL continues to not know where or who is, while for a brief, glorious moment, EL HIJO just absolutely starts kicking his ass. Finally, EVIL’s fog clears enough for him to grab EL HIJO in a desperate front facelock, holding him at bay while shooting a pleading look toward his three henchmen, (or two henchmen and one henchlady, I guess? Anyway, they be henchin’) who finally intervene, and from here, the scene descends into absolute fucking chaos.
At the first hint that this is about to turn into a four-on-one assault, wrestlers attempt to intervene, others attempt to stop them, and within seconds, the entire parking lot becomes something close to a riot. Everyone is fighting everyone. Would-be peacemakers, fighting the people angry that they’re not getting to see PRESIDENT EVIL get his comeuppance, fighting people who just got caught in the crossfire, fighting people like BUSINESS CLOWN, who just want to watch the world burn. Others choose simply to observe.
REINHOLD KINSKI: This world around us, it has descended into chaos, consumed by violence. We are but animals who walk as men, given to great act of wretchedness. It is a curse from a God who has grown tired of his creation.
(KINSKI steps back just in time as BUSINESS CLOWN goes down, apparently felled by a random traffic cone hurled by an unknown assailant)
KINSKI: We are lost here. Children in the wilderness, left to wander and die, consumed by that wolf which is our inner self. The clown, he suffers, but why?
RAOUL KEMP: Kinski, you goddamn Nazi bastard! Get your head in the game! It’s fight or flight time, you daffy old fruit! The fat is in the fire!
KINSKI: One can only grow weary of this savagery. The parking lot echoes with man’s failure; his failure to constrain his basest animal impulse, the biting, the scratching, the fornication. We must live and suffer and-*BLAURP*
(KEMP watches in horror as his tag team partner is blindsided by a perfectly executed superkick by DONITA ZAPATA)
KEMP: JESUS CREEPING GOD! What the hell was that for!?
(DONITA just sort of pauses in her tracks, looking back and forth between KEMP and the unconscious, elderly documentarian. She then just shrugs with the guilty-but-not-really look of a toddler being asked why they drew a giant butt on the TV, before herself going down to some crazy karate bullshit from SOCCER NINJA. All attempts to contain or de-escalate the mayhem have failed, and soon the whole damn thing threatens to swallow the entire town, or at least get someone hit by a car.)
Then, gunshots. Four shots ring out, sending some of the wrestlers diving for cover, while others simply freeze in place. This sort of things can put a lot of things in perspective, so the fighting stops immediately. Then, the source of this new-found peace reveals himself as only he would be able.
OL’ ROSS GRACIE: God damn all ya low-down cotton-picking varmints! Knock off all that fuckin’ commotion and carryin’ on!
DREAD LOBSTER: Bumboclaat!
UNCLE ABDUL: Jesus, Hoss! What the hell are you doing!?
HOSS: Well, shootin’, I recknon. Goddammit, this is America!
UNCLE ABDUL: Well, you’re fuckin’ nuts, but I guess at least the fighting stopped.
HOSS: What!? There was a fight!? Aw hell, I always miss when something fun happens!
(ABDUL shakes his head in disbelief, then turns toward the crowd and takes an authoritative tone.)
ABDUL: Alright, listen up! All y’all go home. Get the fuck gone. Dojo class is cancelled for the rest of the day, and the rest of you have no reason to be here anyway.
PARKING LOT DUVAL: But… I… I live here.
ABDUL: Well, I mean yeah, but I wasn’t gonna… Look, never mind. The rest of you, LEAVE.
(Wrestlers, trainees, and the one dope dealer all slowly start to disperse, while the EVIL AGENTS tend to their freshly fucked-up leader, and SKIP LEGDAY recruits a couple of trainees to make sure EL HIJO DL BIG BIRD MACHINE doesn’t try anything, as they pretty much herd him back toward his car. )
EL HIJO: Hey! What’s up now, Holmes? You feel like talkin’ shit now?
SKIP LEGDAY: Hey, come on, bro. Just get in the car and go. You’ve proved your point.
EL HIJO: I ain’t proved shit! You hear me, Evil? This ain’t over!
PRESIDENT EVIL: Oh, it’s over, boy. It’s over for you, and I ain’t even started yet.
EL HIJO: Oh? what are you gonna do, bleed on me?
EVIL: Gonna make you eat those words. You have no idea how fucked you are right now…
ABDUL: Goddammit, stop! Lil’ Bird, get the fuck outta here! Had enough of this shit for one day.
(EL HIJO shakes his head, shoots a dirty look over toward THE EVIL ADMINISTRATION, then finally gets in his car and leaves. EVIL. ABDUL then turns toward EVIL, and can’t help but smirk)
ABDUL: And Evil, if I was you, I’d go get that hand checked out. and the nose too, probably. And hey, look on the bright side. If it’s as bad as it sounded when you punched that wall like a dumbass, you might not even need to be suspended.
EVIL: Fuck you.
COMING SOON: Actual wrestling?