Tag Archives: ol ross gracie

WEEKENDS AT THE HOSS DOJO: Social Media Training

HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO BE A PRO WRESTLER? DO YOU HAVE THE GUTS TO STEP IN THE RING WITH A LIVING LEGEND? CAN YOU GET $1500 TOGETHER BY FRIDAY? THEN YOU MIGHT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME A SUPERSTAR OF TOMORROW IN OL’ ROSS GRACIE’S INFAMOUS HOSS DOJO!

A large group of trainees gathered in front of the Hoss Dojo at dawn, just as they were instructed to do, but of course, no one let them in the building for another three hours. There were murmurings from a few new hopefuls that this was one of those old school wrestling tests; an attempt to weed out the weak by making them stand in freezing temperatures. The established trainees all knew what the deal was, though: Ol’ Ross Gracie and the day’s assistant trainers always parked out back and went through the rear entrance, Hoss had forgotten they were going to be there that early, and as such had also forgotten to unlock the door. Meanwhile, this was a day where Ace La Grange and Donita Zapata were his assistant trainers, and while Ace had genuinely forgotten about the locked front door, Donita more than likely remembered, but just didn’t care. In the meantime, Ace expressed concern for Donita and the broken neck she had suffered in a match just days earlier.

“Donita… Brother… Should you even be here?”

“What? It’s not like I’m gonna be one of the ones that gets thrown around today.”

“I know, I know… Brother, it’s just that shit’s no joke, you know?”

“Yeah, well…. I’m about to be out of work for a fuckin’ year, Ace. I’m not passing up an opportunity for a hundred bucks.”

Ace sighed sadly. “Yeah, I been there before, brother. I guess it should be okay today, though. Supposedly, we’re just going over some social media policy nonsense for most of today, anyway. I guess Nate and those guys don’t want people embarrassing the company over the Myspaces or whatever.”

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE OMNIPRESENT CAMERA: MASTERS AND APPRENTICES

(THE SCENE: The Hoss Dojo training facility, out on the edge of town, right past where the old Walmart (the one full of feral dogs) is located. The makeshift tag team of SKIP LEGDAY and CAPTAIN STRUGGLE have come here seeking advice on their upcoming WAR PARTY 2021 match from veteran OL’ ROSS GRACIE, but he is nowhere to be found. Extremely loud snoring can be heard from behind the door to Hoss’s office, and it is extremely awkward.)

SKIP: Soooo… Uhh… Do you think we should leave, or…?

STRUGGLE: Five more minutes.

SKIP: Bro, you said that five minutes ago.

STRUGGLE: I drive fifteen minutes to get here, we wait another five.

SKIP: I dunno, maybe we could just leave for a while and come back or something. It’s a thousand degrees in here.

STRUGGLE: Hoss say it build character. Allegedly.

SKIP: Well, I’m at least gonna go outside for a minute.

STRUGGLE: Hm. Probably a good idea.

(The two turn around and start to leave, when all of a sudden, the office doors fly open, and OL’ ROSS GRACIE appears, brandishing a double barreled shotgun.)

HOSS: ALRIGHT YA GODDAMN BUSHWACKIN’ RATTLESNAKE MOTHERFUCKERS! TRYIN’ TO ROB OL’ HOSS ARE YA? I’M GONNA FILL YOUR HIDES SO FULL O’ LEAD, YOU’RE GONNA SHIT PELLETS FOR A WEEK!

SKIP: HOSS! Stop, it’s us!

STRUGGLE: (Yells something in Japanese that I couldn’t decipher, due to being extremely monolingual, but based on my knowledge of body language and tonality, it was just filled to the brim with cusses)

HOSS: What? Aw hell, sorry boys. Ol’ Hoss ain’t got his glasses on. I remember y’all. Scoop Lindsey and his young son, Colonel SANDERS, right?

PICTURED: Colonel Harlan Sanders.

SKIP: Bro! You could’ve killed us both!

HOSS: What? Aw bullshit, this thing ain’t even loaded!

(HOSS pumps his shotgun several times, ejecting a shell onto the dojo’s dirt floor every time.)

HOSS: Huh. Well whaddaya know? Anyways, important part is that it ain’t loaded now, at least. I think. Anywho, what brings you two here?

MEANWHILE…

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TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA – ROAD TO THE COOL ZONE, PART FOUR: THE FAT IS IN THE FIRE

THE SCENE: If you’re here, you probably already read the previous three installments. If not, go back and do that. Anyway, at the behest of HAPSBURG RAYTHEON VI’s personal valet MR. WEI, NATE and ABDUL have just run outside, where PRESIDENT EVIL and EL HIJO DEL BIG BIRD MACHINE are in the process of beating the shit each other, although to be honest, EVIL is definitely getting the upper hand. Meanwhile, an assortment of wrestlers and trainees from the Hoss Dojo next door have gathered around, because everyone loves a fight, I dunno.

After a brief exchange of blows, EVIL grabs HIJO and just sort of flings him into a nearby parked car, sending him crashing to the ground in a shower of broken glass. Being super pissed-off, HIJO gets up immediately and charges, to a chorus of assorted hoots, hollers, and heckles from the gathered crowd of onlookers.

PRESIDENT EVIL: Hahaha! Oh look, everybody! Baby Bird’s got heart! Shoulda stayed down, dumbass!

Continue reading TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA – ROAD TO THE COOL ZONE, PART FOUR: THE FAT IS IN THE FIRE →

MEET THE FIRST HOSS DOJO CLASS OF 2020!

While enjoying a well-deserved semi-retirement, STRUGGLE/TSWA/various other promotions legend Ol’ Ross Gracie has kept busy. When our beloved Vito Genovese Memorial Bingo Complex and Auction Barn isn’t in use by STRUGGLE, the local bingo community, or that one shitty high school garage punk band whose drummer’s dad can afford to rent the building, Hoss has been there, training the superstars of tomorrow! He’s also been training several others, but they can’t all be winners, brother. Anyway, we thought it would be cool to give you, the gentle wrestling fan, a peek into the future. So we got Ol’ Hoss to sit down with assistant trainer / fellow local legend Yumiko La Grange to tell you what’s up with these people.

Read more, DAMN IT