The first major pay-per-view esque show since STRUGGLE’s relaunch is in the books, and despite the El Pendejo weather phenomenon bringing us snow showers in June, (don’t worry, it was 78 and sunny the next day) it went off without a hitch, or at least with very few. Scores were settled, titles exchanged hands and somehow, no one was killed. Check out the VOD right here, then come back and read about how you should feel about it. I know I say this every time, but I’d love to just embed video, except that either Twitch or WordPress is hopelessly broken. Maybe both? Who can say. anyway, full show report after the jump.
DARK MATCH #1: Tupac Machine defeated Doctor Reverend Billy Wayne Humble in 22:31 with All Armz on Me
NERD RATING: 93%
Pac has been kind of struggling (no pun intended) as of late, but damned if he didn’t turn back the clock and turn in a classic performance here, resulting in what I’m reasonably sure is the good Doctor Reverend’s first loss. Maybe the secret here is that he needs to just wrestle heavyweights from now on. Maybe increase his chili dog intake for a while and move up a weight class. Just a thought. Also of note here is that when she inevitably interfered in the match, Sister Candy actually busted out some impressive moves, and for the life of me, I have no idea how that happened.
DARK MATCH #2: Kazushi Maeda defeated Hillbilly Grim in 17:18 with the Murder Choke
NERD RATING: 94%
A bit of a legends match here, as a fully vaccinated Hillbilly returned to action in a match with a combined age of almost 120 years. And Billy was really looking to make an impression here, literally and figuratively, as the 500-pounder even went so far as to come off the top rope, but to no avail. I guess there’s a difference between “it’s impressive that he’s still doing it” versus “he’s still doing it impressively,” and Kaz Maeda can still beat basically anyone on the planet when he’s feeling limber. Still, not too bad for a layoff of over a year.
TSLL DARK MATCH #3: El Hijo Del Beatriz Negro defeated El Zafiro in 17:45 with Original Falconry
NERD RATING: 89%
A special Tri-State Lucha Libre showcase here, as the veteran exotico took on the young monster. This probably wasn’t the fast-paced, high-flying affair the people might have expected from a fledgling lucha promotion, but it did serve notice that EHDBN is probably the man to beat in TSLL.
WAR PARTY 2021
MATCH #1: WAR PARTY MATCH: Team Skip (Skip Legday, Captain STRUGGLE, Skull Mayday, & Comrade DIRECT ACTION) defeated Team Freedom (Garfield Vanzetti, Buford Randall, Mad Dog Wociejchowski, & Wilhelm Kruger)
NERD RATING: 83%
We kick things off immediately heading into the first War Party gauntlet match, and man, I don’t know what the hell happened to the Outside Agitators between Cool Zone #5 and this show. It looks like both guys gained about a hundred pounds apiece, and Skull Mayday was particularly sloppy, actually scarfing down a giant chocolate chip cookie during the match at one point. Also of note was the official debut of Executive Solutions, where Mad Dog looked absolutely dominant for a large portion of the match. This ended up being the only War Party match where the final pairing wasn’t a completely worn-out wrestler against someone coming in fresh, so we actually got something close to a real singles match between the two captains, with Skip prevailing, meaning he and the Captain finally get to return to active duty.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here with Skip Legday, and Skip, it’s gotta feel good to finally have Vanzetti drop his restraining order!
SKIP: Well yeah, bro, it’s great to finally be back full time, but it’s really a bittersweet moment, considering what happened to the Agitators.
MURRAY: Something happened to them?
SKIP: Yeah bro, they, uhhh… They died.
MURRAY: What!? No! What happened!?
SKIP: Yeah, it turns out, they, uhh, they died. That’s what happened.
CAPTAIN STRUGGLE: (yelling from off-camera) They die on way back to home planet!
MURRAY: Oh. Oh no, this is terrible…
EL GRANDE CHUNGUS: (conspicuously covered in sweat, shirtless, and sporting a fresh band-aid above his eye and red-and-gray camouflage pants) What!? Los Agitadores están muertos!? Aye, dios mio, dude, that’s a tragedy!
SKIP: Yeah, it’s a bummer.
CHUNGUS: Yeah, man! We should honor them by going to mi tio’s place for some fajitas!
BIG TREAT BOY: Sopapillas.
CHUNGUS: Yeah, that too.
SKIP: Treat Boy can have mine. Watching my carbs.
MURRAY: (sobbing) Oh, god, no, whyyyyyy, they were so yoooung, auuugghaaaugghh aaauugghhblooobloobloooooohooooo!
SKIP: Oh. Oh jeez, man. Uh Murray, bro, can I talk to you for a second?
MURRAY: Aaaauuughhhooohooobloooobloohooo…. Okay…
(SKIP leans in really close and whispers something to MURRAY, whose eyes get really big, before he finally breaks into a huge, shit-eating grin. Being a completely guile-free human being, he keeps nodding and winking at SKIP, over and over)
SKIP: Murray, bro… That’s enough.
MURRAY: (Still grinning and nodding) Whatever you say… “Skip.”
MATCH #2: CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP – Immortan Jimmy defeated Rodimus Primo in 16:47 with a Double Lotation Moonsault to retain the title
NERD RATING: 93%
This was kind of a heartbreaker, as Rodimus had fought the fluke champion label for his entire brief run with the belt, lost it almost immediately to Jimmy, then clawed his way back to contendership, just to fall again. It felt like anyone’s match up to the very end, but Jimmy’s fighting at a level we haven’t seen since… Well, pre-coma Jimmy. I’m honestly not sure that there’s anyone in his weight class who can beat him right now, but I know that me saying that nearly guarantees a loss in his next defense. Sorry about the jinx.
MATCH #3: TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP – The Coke Brothers defeated Team Twizzy in 26:26 when Ricky hit Cobra with the $450 an Ounce Splash to become the NEWWWWW Tag Team Champions
NERD RATING: 98%
Well, son of a bitch, the Cokes are back, and within a few matches, they’re already the goddamn champions. From here, they go on to face the Grim Reapers at Warrior Pro’s next G2 show, for a shot at becoming double-champions. Or… Possibly… Losing our belts… Oh no, no, no, sweet baby Jesus, the future is in the hands of these two zooted fucks, oh God, it’s the sum of all fears. By the time you read this… I’m not even going to finish that sentence. Gonna hit the liquor store after I finish this post.
UPDATE FROM THE FUTURE: fffuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkasgdyegrbdhdhdhdh WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY
MATCH #4: WAR PARTY MATCH – Jezebel-Gun (Jezebel Grim, Yumiko La Grange, Toshiyo Nakano, & Crawdad Hoshino) defeated Team Stormy (Stormy Knight, Agent Bulldog, Velveeta Dream, & Virginia Slams)
NERD RATING: 82%
For the most part, this all came down to the first and last falls. Fueled by revenge for a recent extracurricular parking lot beatdown, Yumiko just absolutely squashed Agent Bulldog, and Team Stormy never could catch up after that. Then, after Stormy made Crawdad tap to the Multivortex Arm Breaker, Jezebel came in like a goddamn bulldozer and basically just hit huge, match-ending moves until the match, you know, ended. We may finally be seeing her come into her own, which is scary, seeing as how she’s got damn near a foot of height and at least 50 pounds on most of her competition.
Meanwhile, I figure I better throw a little 🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨 in here. Hot off the heels of victory on the big stage, it does appear as though it was indeed premature for Jezebel-Gun to be considered an ongoing affair, as half the team are imports from Pro Wrestling MOSES, and after the pandemic screwed up the talent exchange and kept them here for about eight months longer than intended, they’re apparently finally calling their people home. Toshiyo Nakano is already trying to talk them into extending her stay a little, but seeing as how they’re upper-card talent, they were pretty insistent that Kazushi Maeda and Crawdad Hoshino start packing their shit and scheduling flights. We’re still trying to make things right with them, as far as trying to hold up our end of what’s been a one-sided “exchange,” but we’ve been instructed to hold off for now, “just in case,” but they apparently weren’t at liberty to discuss what the hell is going on over there. Rumors are that the company is being sold soon, but you know how rumors be.
POST-MATCH WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(A dejected STORMY KNIGHT sulks alone in the dressing room, beginning the process of unlacing her boots, which seems to take three times as long following a loss. Suddenly, she hears footsteps, and looks up to suddenly find herself staring at local legend and Evil Administration representatives FIRST LADY EVIL.)
STORMY: Uhh… Do you need something?
FIRST LADY: It really is hard to find good help these days, isn’t it?
STORMY: Yeah, I guess. (The next words are absolutely nasty with sarcasm) Thanks for lending me Bulldog, by the way. She did great out there.
FIRST LADY: Hm. Been meaning to speak with the President about her.
STORMY: Is there a reason you’re here bothering me?
FIRST LADY: Just saying, if you ever get sick of this lovely situation you’ve made for yourself, keep us in mind.
STORMY: Uh, oookayy…
(The First Lady hands her an Administration business card and leaves. Stormy looks at it for a second shakes her head, and then starts working on those boot laces, which have now become hopelessly knotted. She pauses in frustration, then looks up to see recently-returned manager FIRST CLASS JOHNNY SAN DIEGO standing there, looking resplendent in a sequined jacket and some kind of crazy Gene Simmons-ass cowboy boots)
STORMY: Uhh…
JOHNNY: Hey there! Johnny San Diego manager of champions!
STORMY: …In the women’s locker room.
JOHNNY: Really is hard to find good help these days, isn’t it?
STORMY: Yeah, that’s what she said.
JOHNNY: But I just want you to know that I’m here to offer you a unique opportunity to join the First Class Family, and enjoy all the perks and privileges that come with it!
STORMY: Oh, goody, my prayers have been answered! I can finally hang out with the Masked Turds, and maybe Dick Fuchs will teach me the finer points of spittin’ terbacky!
JOHNNY: See what I mean? Perks and privileges!
STORMY: I was being sarcastic.
JOHNNY: Well, so was I. But just trust me, there are big things on the horizon for the First Class Family. Big things!
STORMY: And we all know how trustworthy you are…
JOHNNY: Hell’s that supposed to mean?
STORMY: Didn’t you just get out of jail for ripping people off on some business deal?
JOHNNY: Halfway house doesn’t count. Besides, you can’t follow through on big plans if you don’t have the funds for it first. I’m not saying you need to commit to anything right now, but just keep me in mind.
(JOHNNY hands STORMY another business card before leaving, which she tosses next to the previous, Evil one, before returning to the struggle with her lace knots. Suddenly, a voice that is almost disconcertingly sweet and cheerful breaks the silence, and she looks up to see Humble Ministries representative SISTER CANDY standing there with the imposing SISTER DOBALINA (Sister Barb Dobalina) at her side. Neither one of them ever seems to blink)
CANDY: Greetings, Miss Knight!
STORMY: Oh god damn it, let me guess, “good help is hard to find?”
CANDY: Oh, it is certain! But rejoice, for there is no greater help than The Lord! And on this somber day of bitter defeat, let your spirits be raised, as Humble Ministries has chosen to bless you with-
STORMY: (sighs) Jesus Christ, just leave it next to the other two.
(CANDY motions toward DOBALINA, who silently produces a very fancy card with gold embossed letters and places it delicately atop the First Class Family card.)
CANDY: Please take any time you need to consider our generous offer of fellowship in His name, and hopefully, we shall meet again on more joyous terms in the future!
STORMY: Yeah, happier times, Insha’Allah. Now, go away.
MATCH #5: WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP – Becky (With the Awful Hair) defeated PARTY TIGER in 15:47 with a German suplex to become the NEWWWWW champion
NERD RATING: 91%
When STRUGGLE relaunched, Becky was expected to be one of the top contenders in the division, and PARTY TIGER was just sort of considered to be a combination of comic relief and a cautionary tale. Once things got underway though, Tiger became one of the top stars around here in any division, while Becky just faded into nowheresville. But I dunno if it was the snazzy new championship gold attire or what, but Becky finally overcame that dead badger glued to the top of her head and became the first person to beat TIGER in a long, long time, and she did it when it counted. A year long reign ends, and we’ve got a deserving new champ.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Hey folks! Murray Stadankowicz here with the now former champion, PARTY TIGER. And you’ve gotta be disappointed with your first loss in quite some time, so where does PARTY TIGER go from here?
TIGER: Well, you know Murray, it’s like (hiccups) I just, like, you know, (hiccups) I wanna congratulate Becky, ’cause like, you know, like she tried real hard and deserves it and shit. But it’s like, you know, like (hiccups) like I gotta keep moving forward though. Losing the title sucks and all, but like, you know, it’s just one loss, and I’ve, like, lost before and shit. So like, you know, it doesn’t feel good, but that’s just, like, life and shit, like sometimes I try to do things and they just don’t turn out the way I want it to. Like I concen- (hiccups) concentrate on it real hard, and it just doesn’t work out. But I just want all the people out there to know that, like, YOU CAN’T BRING ME DOWN!
MURRAY: Wow, those are some very inspiring words from a humble former champion. And up next, we’ve got-
TIGER: Hey! Hey Murray, can I, like, can I say one more thing?
MURRAY: Of course!
TIGER: Okay, like, I just want y’all to know that I’m down and I’m feeling bad and all, but War Party is still a PARTY right!?
(A gathered crowd of onlookers cheers)
TIGER: So like, all you out there in this party right here: LEEETTTT’S GETTTT BUUUTTTTT NAKED AND FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
(The crowd roars as TIGER starts fumbling awkwardly with the drawstring on her tights and the camera abruptly swings over to an utterly mortified MURRAY)
MURRAY: Uhh… I’d just like to take this time to remind our viewers that the thoughts and opinions expressed by the wrestlers are not necessarily those of… Oh…
(The camera pans back over to show PARTY TIGER, seemingly unconscious, face down in the snow with her pants pulled down to about mid thigh. The camera lingers for an uncomfortable amount of time, until TIGER suddenly lets loose a short, loud, high-pitched fart, followed by a brief giggle. Eventually, PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES shows up, and in one fluid motion, pulls up TIGER’S pants and effortlessly hoists her up and slings her over a shoulder, not unlike a sack of alcohol-poisoned potatoes)
PAM: Alrighty there, lil’ tiger, let’s go find ya a couch or something, hey?
MATCH #6: LANDMINE DEATHMATCH FOR THE NO POLICE INVOLVEMENT CHAMPIONSHIP – The Korn Demon defeated Screaming Rage Man in 12:30 with a choke slam to become a TWO-TIME, TWO TIME Champion
NERD RATING: 84%
This was expected to be one of the most godforsaken matches we’ve ever had, and it delivered in spades, as well as buckets of blood, and probably a couple of newly-minted serial killers out there in the live audience. What was not expected was for this to be as one-sided as it was. This is not to say that the Korn Demon ragdolled Rage Man like he was barely-paid local enhancement talent, but after a couple of minutes, Demon was already going for finishers, and it never really felt like he would lose. And considering that Rage Man often comes off like the walking qvatar of the wrath of a vengeful God who has grown displeased with His creation, that’s impressive.
MATCH #7: WAR PARTY MATCH – Team Machine (big Bird Machine, Rampage hunter, El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine, & Ace La Grange) defeated The Evil Administration (President Evil, Agent 35, Agent Fang, & Tyrannosaurus Plex)
NERD RATING: 91%
First thing I need to say here is that this was an absolutely inspired performance by Ace La Grange. He took an absolute mauling at the hands of Agent 35, who seemed destined to take the fall off the sheer force of the rest of the Administration distracting the referee any time Ace would go for a pin. But not only did he somehow outlast 35 and Agent Fang, he pinned both men while bleeding so much that he had to be taken to a local hospital immediately following his eventual elimination. (In case you were worried, he left under his own power the next morning, which is to say he technically left under his ex-wife’s power, as his car is back in the shop again) I think it’s time to stop thinking of Ace as a loveable underdog who’s trying to make his way back to the top and acknowledge that he is truly Good Now, Brother.
Following that, the Administration’s secret weapon, Tyrannosaurus Plex, ate an almost suspiciously quick submission from El Hijo Del Big Bird Machine, which has prompted some to question his commitment to this whole “evil” thing, and from there, it fell to the Prez to try and eliminate three members of the good guy team, including maybe the biggest local legend and a guy who has earned the moniker of “The Belt Collector.” It was pretty much an insurmountable task, and I hate to admit this, but Evil came closer than pretty much anyone else could have. He actually did manage to take out both EHDBBM and Rampage Hunter, but as far as I could tell, he was hurt pretty bad after Rampage hit a huge Lights Out bomb on the frozen concrete outside the ring. After taking down Rampage, Evil had absolutely nothing left, and I mean nothing, as in he never actually made it to his feet after breaking the Constitutional Crisis. Big Bird Machine just ran in, hit a big splash, and that was all.
President Evil literally waited a decade to stand one-on-one in a wrestling ring against Big Bird Machine, and in the end, it was over in less than ten seconds. I’d almost feel bad for him if he was a completely different person. But he’s not, so I don’t. What was also interesting here was that Bird seemingly also got Rampage with that final splash, (he’s extremely large, you see) which was either a very subtle way of sending a message or a really convenient accident.
POST-MATCH WITH MURRAY!
MURRAY: Ladies and gentlemen, we just saw an exciting conclusion to War Party 2021, with Big Bird Machine’s team taking down the Evil Administration in the final. Big Bird Machine, your thoughts?
BIG BIRD MACHINE: Hm… Let me see here.
(BIG BIRD MACHINE pulls out one of those Evil Administration “EAW” t-shirts (ON SALE NOW!) and ponders it for a second, before making a big show of pulling out a pair of reading glasses and putting them on over his mask and studying it further)
BIRD: Hm… Let’s see here… “Evil Always Wins.” Heh. …Does it, now?
(BIG BIRD MACHINE casually tosses the shirt over his shoulder into a nearby trash can, gives Murray a little pat on the shoulder, then start to leave the interview area. But as soon as he turns around, he is immediately face-to-face with RAMPAGE HUNTER, leading to a tense staredown. After a few seconds that feel like minutes, the two exchange nods and head in opposite direcions.)
POST-MATCH WITH THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(In the losers’ locker room, the mood is less than festive among members of the Evil Administration. AGENT FANG and AGENT 35 bicker back and forth over where blame should be assigned, AGENT BULLDOG paces back and forth nervously, and FIRST LADY EVIL looks on with concern an apparently unmasked PRESIDENT EVIL sulks in silence on a bench, doubled over with a towel draped over his head, blood-soaked hockey mask sitting next to him, as a crimson puddle forms at his feet, the result of taking a Curb Stomp directly on top of a discarded staple gun during the match. TYRANNOSAURUS PLEX is nowhere to be seen, and is believed to have left the fairgrounds immediately following his elimination.)
AGENT FANG: I still can’t believe Plex tapped out that fast.
AGENT BULLDOG: Based on prior intelligence, this was highly uncharacteristic behavior.
AGENT 35: If you ask me, I think the big bastard wasn’t even hurt! I think he realized we were down 2-1 and made a fuckin’ business decision!
(PRESIDENT EVIL exhales sharply, picks up his mask and wipes the inside a moment, then slips it on, underneath the towel that had been hiding his face up to this point. He then snatches the towel away from his face and hurls it across the room, where it hits the wall with a loud smacking sound, and actually leaves a splatter of blood on the cinder blocks where it hit. He then rises to his feet, absolutely towering over all present while still gushing blood from underneath his mask. The effect is absolutely terrifying. This causes the room to suddenly grow very still and very quiet, until the President of Wrestling speaks)
EVIL: And why was that, 35? What was it that we were down two falls to one? Hmm?
35: I, I,… Uhh….
EVIL: Was it because you couldn’t beat a broken down old drug addict? Even with three people running interference for you?
(35 says nothing and just stares at the ground submissively, as EVIL turns his gaze toward AGENT FANG, who instinctively takes a step backward and braces himself)
EVIL: Maybe you have some insight, Fang? You know, seeing as how you couldn’t deal with him either, even after he had almost literally bled to death. You got anything for me? Hmm?
(FANG knows better than to say anything in his defense, and just sort of slouches in defeat)
EVIL: I mean, say what you will about that giant, prehistoric pussy, but at least T-Plex did manage to score a pinfall before he humiliated himself. and believe me, I will deal with him, personally.
AGENT BULLDOG: Sir, if I may-
EVIL: NO. I don’t want to hear whatever you have to say. Because while I do so value your input, I’d value it a whole helluva lot more if you weren’t fresh off getting dog-walked by a woman with no knees who’s going to turn forty before you even round up to thirty! (looking across all three Evil Agents) TODAY WAS FUCKING PATHETIC! You all embarrassed me, and you embarrassed yourselves in the process. Believe me, this will not happen again! I am sick and fucking tired of dragging all your dead weight around and one way or another, I will not do it anymore! This Administration started with one man, and there’s no rule saying it can’t go back to that! Now get the fuck out of my sight!
(The three Evil Agents hastily exit the locker room, and once the door closes, The President sinks back down to the bench, exhales sharply, then dejectedly rips off his hockey mask (with Invisible Backstage Camera footage strategically blurred in accordance with the Federal Masked Wrestler Protection Act) and hurls it at the wall, before dejectedly slumping forward and holding his head in his hands. Then, suddenly realizing that he’s actually still bleeding pretty badly, he grunts in annoyance and presses an already-bloody towel against his forehead)
EVIL: Ten years… I waited ten years to get in the ring with that asshole, and I never even made it to my feet…
FIRST LADY: Well, you had just wrestled two men in a row. And that Rampage guy isn’t exactly a mid-carder.
EVIL: I know, it’s just… (sighs) They’re never gonna let me have Bird on one, I just know it, (FIRST LADY EVIL’s real name bleeped out, also in accordance with federal law) They’re gonna make me wait forever, aren’t they?
FIRST LADY: You’ll get him, just be patient.
EVIL: I have been patient for ten years… They’re gonna protect his ass until one of us retires…
FIRST LADY: Look, just don’t worry about it right now, you’ve got to- (she leans in closer and starts closely examining the Prez’s eyes) Oooh… Babe, look at me… Yyyeah, that’s not good.
EVIL: What?
(Without warning, FIRST LADY EVIL whips out her smartphone and shines the flashlight directly in PRESIDENT EVIL’s eyes, and he recoils in pain, before she just straight-up reaches out and forecefully turns his head back to the light)
EVIL: AH! Fuckin’…. Ow?
FIRST LADY: Ohhh yeah. That looks like a concussion. We need to get that checked out.
EVIL: Eh, I’ve had like a thousand, it’s fine.
FIRST LADY: …Which makes it even more important to get you in front of a doctor.
EVIL: It’s not even a bad one!
FIRST EVIL: Babe, it’s your brain. We’re going to the emergency room. Also, I think you need stitches. I’m not buying new pillowcases again.
EVIL: Okay, fine. Just let me put on some regular shoes, at least. See, this is part of why I usually wrestle in regular clothes. Post-match convenience.
FIRST LADY: You looked good, though.
EVIL: (wrapping a big wad of gauze around his head) i looked fat.
FIRST LADY: No, looked great. You’re a hoss, you’re not supposed all veiny and bulgy. And besides, you know I likes me a lil’ sumpin’ to hold on to.
EVIL: (slipping on his old hood-style mask) Jesus Christ, woman. (he starts laugh, then winces and grabs his head) Ow! Motherfucker…
FIRST LADY: See? told you so.
(The President puts on an “Evil 6:66” t-shirt, (ON SALE NOW!) gathers all his belongings, and the two start to leave, but FIRST LADY EVIL suddenly stops short of the door, then turns around and scans the room.)
EVIL: What?
FIRST LADY: Oh, nothing… Just… Gimme a second…
(she continues looking intently around the room, until she is suddenly staring upward, directly into the Invisible Backstage Camera. Her eyes narrow, she sneers a little, then picks up a nearby folding chair)
FIRST LADY: See? That’s the one thing I don’t miss about all of this. I always hated that fucking thing.
(In one swift movement, she flips the chair around to where she’s holding the seat, then forcefully jabs one of the chair legs directly into the lens. The video feed gets all crazy for a second, then goes dark)