Hey, look, we ran another show. And we gave it a fancy tour-based name, forcing us to actually run more than one. Good times. Except if you saw the show, the times were quite bad for a few of our wrestlers. Very, very bad. But it should be okay for you guys, so go watch the show, then come back here and learn what you thought of it.
DARK MATCH #1: The Canadian Destroyer (Hoss Dojo) defeated Buster Samson (Hoss Dojo) by DQ in 14:34 – 86% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Boy, say what you will about Ol’ Hoss as a trainer or a wrestler, but my god, he’s absolutely fuckin’ miserable as a referee. The Destroyer kept trying to make the old “pretend to get hit in the nuts” thing happen, kept getting caught, and then pulled off the fakeout DQ by… Pretending to get hit in the nuts. Also, I’m pretty sure he nailed Buster in the nuggets at least once in full view of the authorities, to no effect. I’m just saying, the old cowboy needs to stick to one or more of his day jobs.
DARK MATCH #2: Reverend Freakout defeated Ugly, Stupid Bob with a Shining Wizard in 8:14 – 76% ⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Haha, wow, the crowd was absolutely brutal here to Bon, just booing like crazy any time he’d do absolutely anything. Anyway, this was uneventful, as in addition to being ugly, stupid, smelly, and kind if racist, he’s also an exceedingly boring wrestler. And in case you’re asking why he’s still here, he works cheap and represents an easy win for the guys worth showing to people.
DARK MATCH #3: Nat Twenty (Freelance) defeated Brandi Shackleford (Hoss Dojo) with the Rivendel Special in 6:28 – 60% DUD
Whoops. Nat went for her +1 Roll of Flash-Pinning, Brandi failed her saving throw, and this was over before it started. Folks, in case you needed to know why some of these people are still in the Dojo instead of on somebody’s main roster, well, there you go.
DARK MATCH #4: Atomic Dog (Hoss Dojo) defeated William Nilly (Hoss Dojo) with the Atomic Press in 5:01 – 70% ⭐ 1/2⭐
Yeah, this was nothing. Dog is an insane high-flyer who rarely seems to fly, and Nilly is like a version of Bob from a less dark timeline, just boring and easy to beat. I can’t think of anything else to say, so let’s move on.
MATCH #1: Froggy Terry defeated Zippity Duda with a Peach Sunrise in 8:49 – 82% ⭐⭐⭐
Zippity Duda’s first match since being sucked into a Zip/Ace alliance didn’t go very well, and he got his ass handed to him by the annoying frog guy. I dunno, he’s always shown flashes, but I dunno if he’s too small or too timid or both or something else entirely, but Ace has his work cut out for him, and hopefully, this doesn’t lead him back into the loving arms of huge handfuls of pills.
MATCH #2: Deadly Nightshade defeated Donita Zapata with a sitout wheelbarrow driver in 15:24 – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This match was supposed to happen way back at Graduation Day, but after a delay due to fungal infection, here we are, and holy shit. There’s a really small sample size to go on here, but Nightshade might be a fuckin’ problem going forth. Donita’s Pacific Northwest Bomb is one of the most devastatingly reliable finishers in STRUGGLE, and she ate two of them and kept going. This ended on a real down note, though, as Nightshade hit a crazy-ass piledriver thing that bent Donita’s neck in ways they aren’t supposed to bend, and she was down on the mat for a while after the match, surrounded by various medical personnel, and quite conspicuously, The Phantom Rocker. The good news is that she never lost feeling in her extremities and is currently back at home and walking around under her own power, but the bad news is that our initial diagnosis of a stinger was a little too optimistic, and now we’re looking at the worst-case scenario of a broken neck. We’ll know more once she sees a specialist, but so far, this doesn’t look as bad as the one that knocked Ricky Coke out for a year or the potential career-ender that Pitbull Van Scorpio is still dealing with. But unless there’s some unexpected good news, this could keep her out deep into 2023.
MATCH #3: El Sovietico (TSLL) defeated Ultra Magnifico (TSLL) with the Red Shooting Star Press in 16:47 – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Originally, this was going to be “preview” match for the TSLL guys, but then they had to go and run a show, so let’s just call it a “showcase,” I guess. Anyway, they tore the house down, and the nerds gave it five stars, and they’ve already got a world champion and have run a bigger arena than we could even imagine, and oh god, we’re going to be out of business by the end of the week, aren’t we?
MATCH #4: Team Twizzy defeated the 46 Defenders when Cobra Nightraven hit Neal Grabowski with the Cobra HISS in 28:22 – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This tag match has a lot of potential future tag title implications, as everyone scrambles to try and be the team that gets the next shot at the Grim Reapers. Of note is that both teams brought a second out with them, with the Defenders bringing Walter’s neice/Neal’s cousin/Dojo trainee Ryan Grabowski and Team Twizzy introducing their third member, “Twilight Princess Zelda,” who, for those of you not in the know, is Zelda Lucabrasi commemorating her relationship with Cobra Nightraven by raiding the local Hot Topic and just getting super-sad. And, uhhh… I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t actually see this match, because this was all going on while we were dealing with paramedics and neck trauma and whatnot. But I heard it was quite good!
MATCH #5: Napster Mask VI (Notoriety) defeated Toshiyo Nakano (Notoriety, at least in theory) with the Sailing Boston Crab in 13:26 – 85% ⭐⭐⭐ 1/2⭐
Hey, speaking of showcase matches for other promotions, someone realized that Napster Mask VI was in town for the TSLL show, then someone else realized that Toshiyo is at least theoretically a member of the Notoriety roster, so fuck it, let ’em wrassle. The Princess of Piracy looked really impressive here, seemingly running around in fast-forward speed, while Nakano damn near had her with the ankle lock at one point, but was too close to the ropes. Anyway, that’s yet one more promotion that’s doing better than we are right now.
MATCH #6: TRIPLE THREAT MATCH – Tupac Machine defeated Uno Muerte and Captain STRUGGLE in 19:54 – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This whole thing was just an extended exercise in Tupac Machine being a crafty veteran and just constantly fucking things up for the two dudes who kept wanting to leap onto him from high places. In the end, the vet came out on top, and he gets a shot at Agent Fang’s cruiserweight title, continuing the ongoing saga of B.A.R.S. vs. The Evil Administration. Hopefully, this will cause enough to interest to move the rest of those shirts we had made up for the G2 Finals a while back.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(Earlier in the day, roughly an hour before the show was scheduled to start. TACO BELLE has just arrived at the arena. She takes a seat in the locker room, and as soon as she starts to open her gym bag, PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES appears)
PAM: Oh hey there, Belle, are ya decent?
BELLE: Yeah, I just got here, what’s up?
PAM: Well, a fellas from Taco Belfry Inc. are here, and he said he needs to speak to ya, hon.
BELLE: Oh? Uhh, sure, send him in.
(A man in sunglasses and a very expensive-looking suit enters, and ominously, is carrying a white cardboard box under his arm)
T.B. REPRESENTATIVE: Miss Bakshi.
BELLE: Uhhh, you?
(The TACO BELFRY REPRESENTATIVE hands her the box, and she eyes it nervously)
BELLE: Uhh… (very quietly) Oh no… So, uhh… what is this?
T.B. REP: Your new ring attire.
BELLE: But.. You just gave me new ring attire.
T.B. REP: And it proves so successful with our focus groups that we decided to go further in that direction.
BELLE: Oh… Oh no…
(BELLE opens the box and pulls out what appears to be a few strands of purple-and-yellow dental floss, and the color drains from her face as she studies it with an expression of wide-eyed existential horror)
BELLE: I…. I-I-…Uhhh….
T.B. REP: Is there a problem?
BELLE: Well, I, uhh… Just… (she closes her eyes momentarily, then takes a deep breath, shoves the scraps of spandex back into the box, and thrusts it back toward the TACO BELFRY REP)
T.B. REP: Excuse me?
BELLE: No. Absolutely not. I am not wearing this.
T.B. REP: You haven’t even tried it on.
BELLE: There’s nothing to try on! I wear more than this underneath what you have me wearing now!
(The T.B. REP pushes the box back toward BELLE)
T.B. REP: Mr. Belfry will be in attendance tonight. And he is looking forward to seeing the new costume.
(The TB REP leaves before BELLE can react. She eyes the box with complete disgust.)
BELLE: Is he, now…
MATCH #7: Darkside of PARTY TIGER defeated Taco Belle by knockout with a goddamn fireball in 15:54 – 100% 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Wow, this was, uhh… Wow. Tiger had seemed really belligerent and surly lately, but I don’t think any of us were ready for this. At some point, she just spontaneously converted from insane high-flyer to insane staple-gun wielding ghoul, except still with some high-flying stuff, which just adds extra danger to the whole affair. For her part, Belle managed to stand toe-to-toe with someone having a psychotic break in the midst of leaving Las Vegas, and it looked like this was anyone’s match up until the very end. The end, of course, came when Tiger straight-up blew Bacardi-assisted fireball in Belle’s face, and Brown Shoes stopped the match before this could get more out of hand. And things went further downhill after the match, with Tiger getting into it with some fans and having to be escorted out by the cops, not to mention what happened backstage between Belle and her other boss…
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(After briefly being attended to by PAM FROM HUMAN RESOURCES, a dejected TACO BELLE makes her way toward the locker room. While the damage could have been much more severe, her face is a mess of minor burns and stapler wounds, parts of her hair have been singed close to the scalp, and her eyebrows are a total loss. To make matters worse, there are still at least a few staples embedded in her forehead. When it seems as though things couldn’t get much worse, she is suddenly accosted by ED BELFRY, the sole owner, co-founder, President, CEO, CFO, and HNIC of Taco Belfry Incorporated, as well as the man who has sponsored her wrestling career up to this point. And he is not happy.)
BELFRY: What the hell was that bullshit!?
BELLE: Well, you know… Sir, she had a staple gun, and-and-
BELFRY: No, I don’t give a shit about that! (motioning toward her long-sleeve and track pants ensemble) I mean this!
BELLE: Well, I, uhh… You see, sir, uhh…
BELFRY: Spit it out!
BELLE: (nervously) Well, I was hoping that if you, you know, if you saw me wrestle, and you know, I was wearing, you know, regular clothes, that you might see my true value, as, you know, employee, and like, an asset to-
BELFRY: Your value!? What the fuck does that even mean!?
BELLE: Well, it’s just that, you know…. Look, Taco Belle is more than a corporate mascot, she’s a symbol, you know, and inspiration to the children, and-and-and-
BELFRY: Fuck’s sake, you’re worse than my idiot brother. Little girl, let me fill you in on the reality of the nature of your employment here. We didn’t hire you to “inspire the children” or whatever. You wanna inspire little kids, go become a fuckin’ astronaut! You know why we gave you this job? You’re here, because you’ve got a pretty face – when it hasn’t been set on fire, at least – and you got a big ass, and you were the only taco-jockey we had on the payroll matching that description who was stupid enough to agree to get hit in the face in exchange for a raise! Your job is to go out to that ring and bounce and jiggle for those fuckin’ losers in the crowd, and then they get all horned up watching you. Then, they associate this feeling with our color scheme, then they leave this building, drive by one of our buildings, and then their reptile-brains tell them that they can recreate the feelings they had earlier by eating the garbage that we slop out to them!
BELLE: (shocked) Sir! I-I-… How can you even say something like that!?
BELFRY: Because I fuckin’ mean it! You’re not a symbol, you’re a fuckin’ advertisement! And you can be replaced! And you know what? Fuck it, I think I’ll do just that! YOU’RE FIRED! And I better have that new gear we got you on my desk by Monday, or it’s coming outta your last check.
(BELFRY turns and stomps off, while BELLE stands frozen in shock, with her mouth hanging open and tears welling up in her eyes. Finally, just as he reaches the exit door, she frowns, balls up her fists, and manages a retort.)
BELLE: W-well… YOU CAN’T FIRE ME! I QUIT!
MATCH #8: Jezebel Grim defeated Stormy Knight with a choke slam in 18:14 – 98% ⭐⭐⭐⭐
This match was for a shot at Becky’s women’s title, and neither woman left anything in the ring, resulting in a wild brawl that saw them terrorize the ringside area and brutalize each other with steel chairs. In fact, Stormy hit one absolutely massive one that split Jezebel’s head open, even before she managed to it to herself with all the damn headbutts. Stormy worked overtime to try and soften up Jezebel’s arms for that ungodly armbar thing she does, but apparently not enough, because Jezebel hit an absolutely massive choke slam for the win and a title shot.
But as always, we can’t have nice things, so what happened after the bell is the real story here. As if on cue, Becky ran out to the ring and appeared to get ready to attack Jezebel from behind during the post-match celebration, but before she could get to work, other wild shit went down. Outta nowhere, Velveeta Dream, Virginia Slams, and Deadly Nightshade – who were all conspicuously wearing First Class Family t-shirts – stormed the ring and started beating the living piss out of Jezebel, while neither Becky nor Stormy seemed to have any idea what was going on. (and in case you forgot, Yumiko La Grange and Toshiyo Nakano were barred from the arena during this match, so help wasn’t coming) In fact, once Dream finally let go of a Liquid Gold Lock that she had clamped on Jezebel for a concerningly long time, the three turned their attentions toward the champ, but Becky bailed out before they had a chance to do any real violence. (And again, the rest of the Administration was off in the Bay Area for Warriorversary, so no save would be coming for her, either)
And then, the leader of the Family, First Class Johnny San Diego oozed into the ring to make the sales pitch.
TALES OF THE VISIBLE IN-ARENA CAMERA!
JOHNNY: Ladies and gentlemen, you all know who I am, so I’m not gonna bother you fine people with an introduction. But you also know what I represent, which is the First Class Family, the hottest and most exciting, crew in pro wrestling today! I represent Big Dick Fuchs, The Turd Boyz, and I have recently signed these three lovely ladies, who just concluded a righteous pummeling of some hillbilly gutter trash! But there’s still one missing piece to our dominance of the women’s division. And Stormy, that piece is you! Because take a look around you: Look at the champ, and then take a look at that loser bleeding all over the ringside area, who’s getting your title shot. What do they have that you don’t? You’re a better wrestler than either of them. You’re not a jacked-up, country-fried piece of crap like Jezebel, and if nothing else, you’ve got much better hair than Becky. So what do they have? They’ve got backup. They’ve got an organization behind them. And when you join the Family, you’ve got it in spades. You’ve already worked with Dream and Virginia, and you had to have seen Nightshade retire that fugitive from 1993 earlier tonight. And that’s even before you add the knowledge, expertise, and career guidance of the greatest mind in pro wrestling history, which is me, Johnny San Diego! Think about it, Stormy, the days of the lone wolf are over! Factions, stables, that’s the wave of the future! And I’m giving you an opportunity to get in on the ground floor with the crew that’s going to be running this business soon!
(JOHNNY reaches into his jacket and produces a First Class Family t-shirt in a navy-and-yellow colorway that matches Stormy’s gear and holds it out to her)
JOHNNY: So what do you say?
(STORMY takes the shirt and eyes it for a moment, then looks around at DREAM, VIRGINIA, and NIGHTSHADE, before glancing back at the shirt. Without saying a word, she hands it back to JOHNNY and leaves the arena)
MATCH #9: Ivan Grozny Jr. defeated Skip Legday with a kamikaze powerbomb in 8:42 – 81% ⭐⭐⭐
This match’s card placement was kind of an oversight on our part. It was originally located firmly in mid-card territory, but then, after the confusion with Donita getting spiked and Belle getting burnt, everything went to hell. Anyway, I guess both guys thought this was getting bumped off the card, but while San Diego was blathering on in the ring, someone just kind of said “oh dang, there’s another match,” and we sent them out there. And you guys, this match was an afterthought. A quick little afterthought, so Skip could pound on a novice for a minute, and we could send the fans home happy. But the wildest thing ever went down, and people, I don’t know how to say this, but Ivan Junior absolutely whipped that man’s ass. Skip Legday is an established main event star, and I have no hesitation in saying he’d have been world’s champion by now, if we had a belt to give, and he rarely loses singles matches. And the big Russian kid completely stomped him out. This was over before it started, and it’ll take a while before we know if this was a fluke or if we’ve potentially got a (surprisingly young, especially with that Newports-for-breakfast voice he has) new alpha dog running around this place. Now, if we could only convince the rest of his family of this.
TALES OF THE INVISIBLE BACKSTAGE CAMERA!
(A victorious IVAN GROZNY JUNIOR returns to the backstage area, expecting a warm reception from his siblings, DIMITRI and LUDMILLA. As we join them in progess, it becomes apparent that ife does not always live up to expectations.)
LUDMILLA: Eh, it wasn’t that impressive.
IVAN: Come on! I beat Skip Legday! Hell, I squashed him!
DIMITIRI; In almost nine minutes.
IVAN JR.: What’s that supposed to mean?
DIMITRI: I’d have done it in five. Four, even.
IVAN JR.: Bullshit! It took you almost thirty to lose to Ace!
DIMITRI: (angrily) You should watch what you say to me, little brother.
(IVAN JR. bows up to DIMITRI, making it much more obvious how much larger he is than his older brother, who isn’t particularly small himself. LUDMILLA starts to look nervous, but DIMITRI doesn’t flinch.)
IVAN JR: Oh yeah? Or what!? What will you do, big brother!?
DIMITRI: (calmly) I’ll tell Dad.
(IVAN JR. looks furious for a moment, then just grunts, turns around, and walks off. On his way out, he punches a locker,absolutely caving it in, and startling everyone else in the backstage area. DIMITRI just chuckles as the camera fades out…)